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Posted by Spin Laden on Sep-24-2008 15:52:

Joke of the day thread?

naggers, please.


Anyways, since we've all become non-edm fans apparently (into hockey and other stuff), throw some jokes in here if you feel like making someone smile. Keep it 'fairly' clean and not too offensive


A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really us e that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him
in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
dad. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?'
The boy replied, 'Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but Realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo.


Posted by malek on Sep-24-2008 16:08:

hahahaha good one


Posted by RayRayy on Sep-24-2008 16:29:

haha


Posted by zeKsg on Sep-24-2008 16:43:

lol


Posted by Neo Hacker on Sep-24-2008 16:58:

nice one !


Posted by Spin Laden on Sep-24-2008 18:24:

all Bal en Blanc-related promos go in here too


Posted by Intellekshual on Sep-24-2008 19:58:

quote:
Originally posted by Spin Laden
all Bal en Blanc-related promos go in here too



Here is one I heard a couple days ago.

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

'Breast-fed' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist' the doctor ordered. She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk'

'I know' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came "


Posted by malek on Sep-24-2008 20:07:

ghey?


Posted by Neo Hacker on Sep-24-2008 20:13:

quote:
Originally posted by Enigmatik


Here is one I heard a couple days ago.

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

'Breast-fed' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist' the doctor ordered. She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk'

'I know' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came "


yuk !


Posted by elFreak on Sep-24-2008 20:31:

penis goes where?

an oldie but a goodie.


Posted by Nekya on Sep-26-2008 20:42:

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say,
'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

'Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard . He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out,
But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'


Posted by Dj Nacht on Sep-26-2008 22:15:

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"


Posted by Spin Laden on Sep-30-2008 15:14:

Q: The Stanley Cup was recently on tour in my town, and I kissed it. Do I have to worry about being infected by listeria?

A: You are safe. The Stanley Cup has not been in contact with a Maple
Leaf product in over 40 years.


Posted by Spin Laden on Sep-30-2008 15:17:

quote:
Originally posted by Dj Nacht
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"



Posted by DK Man on Oct-02-2008 14:05:

A man at the BAR!

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.' So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish - each person is only allowed one!'
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'
'Tell me about it!!'says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

Dom K.


Posted by malek on Oct-02-2008 14:44:

hahahahahha


Posted by Nekya on Oct-02-2008 18:05:

Rofl


Posted by Spin Laden on Oct-02-2008 19:25:

pick up lines..

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree an I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room...

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.


AND... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up


Posted by Paulr on Oct-02-2008 19:39:

LMAO DK !!!!!


Posted by malek on Oct-02-2008 19:39:

hahahaha keep them coming


Posted by ostrich on Oct-06-2008 07:50:

I was standing in a queue at a supermarket checkout with
my young son and in front of us is a huge fat woman.

Suddenly she gets a text message and her mobile phone starts bleeping.

"Look out" shouts my son, "she's reversing"


Posted by ostrich on Oct-06-2008 07:56:

There's a old guy in his 80's sitting in a bar
when a little old lady of around the same age
sits next to him & asks,
"you don't mind if I sit here"?
"Of course not" he says.
He offers her a drink & she has a glass of white wine.
"You look a little sad" she says.
"Well" he says "I lost my wife a few years ago".
"Oh, sorry to hear that but you should be over that by
now if it was a few years ago"?
"I am" he says "but I haven't had a woman hold my willie in ages".
"Oh I'll do that for you" she says.

"Really"? he says "lets finish up & go back to mine, I
only live around the corner"?
"Great" she says so they finish up & go to his
where she holds his penis.

"That was great" he said with a huge smile.
"Do you want to do the same tomorrow"? she says.
"I'd love to" says the old man "I'll meet you in
the pub at the same time tomorrow afternoon.
The next afternoon they meet up & go through the
whole thing again & again they both enjoy themselves with
the little old lady holding the little old mans willie.
"Same again tomorrow" she asks?
"Sure" says the guy.

The next day the old lady goes to the pub & he's not there. She waits
for half hour & then decides to go knock on his door, no answer so she
goes back to the pub & he's still not there. Now the old lady is
getting worried that he may have fallen or something & goes back to
his house & knocks again, still with no answer, so she decides to
check if he's in 1 of the other local pubs.

She goes into 1 pub & & sees the old man hugging another little old
lady. She goes up to him & says "hey, what happened to you? I was
really getting worried"
"Oh, I was just here with this other lady" he says.
The old lady replies "well what's she got that I haven't got"
& he replies "Parkinsons".


Posted by JeremyZF on Oct-06-2008 11:54:

quote:
Originally posted by DK Man
A man at the BAR!

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.' So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish - each person is only allowed one!'
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'
'Tell me about it!!'says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

Dom K.

ROFLMAO you made my day even though it's the morning!!


Posted by Spin Laden on Oct-06-2008 14:41:

quote:
Originally posted by Cosmic Fur
How's it any more of spam than Sarah's video? It's the same damn thing, different person. It's kind of funny (see: hypocritical) to see you guys jump all over this guy while feverishly defending Sarah's video. Good work on keeping this fair for everyone.


quote:
Originally posted by luvofhouse
Thank you for defending me cosmic fur hugs


quote:
Originally posted by Cosmic Fur
no homo


Posted by ostrich on Oct-06-2008 23:44:

A huge drugs scandal has just hit the Paralympics!
2 Athletes have tested positive for the banned substance WD-40.


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