RANDOM FACTS ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS
*Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
*There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
*There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
*Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
*When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
*When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
*Chuck Norris once beat Terry Schiavo in a staring contest.
*Andacondas can grow up to over 30 feet long, and dislocate their jaws so they can open thier mouths exeptionaly wide. But they still cant deep throat Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
*There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
*Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
*It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris's favorite vegetable is Terri Schiavo.
*Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
*Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
*When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
*Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius went deaf.
*Chuck Norris can impregnate women by simply raising his right eyebrown. He can impregnate men by raising his left eyebrow but he doesn't bother because he doesn't want a world like that crap Ahnuld film "Junior".
*Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.
*Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. (Chuck always wins)
*Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
*If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
*A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
*Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
*Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pyjamas.
*In 1959 Stephen Hawking became the first and only person to outsmart Chuck Norris. He learned his lesson.
*On 9/11 Chuck Norris didn't say anything. Instead he hopped into the Norriscoptor, flew to Afghanistan, captured Osama bin Laden and keeps him locked in his basement. He has promised president Bush he'll turn him over once he's done beating the shit out of him.
*Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship
*They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
*Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
*Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
*Chuck Norris cán touch MC Hammer.
*When he is in England, Chuck Norris drives on the right. That is why people drive on the left there.
RANDOM FACTS ABOUT MR. T
*On the 0th day, Mr. T created God. Then made God do the rest of the work while Mr. T pitied him.
*Kylie Minogue once tried to pity Mr. T. Now she has cancer.
*Mr. T never takes showers. Instead, whenevr he's dirty, he points to himself and shouts, "CLEAN!"
*Mr. T originally was casted as Neo in the Martix. When he was offered the blue and red pill Mr. T said he pitied the matrix, and ate both pills causing Keanu Reeves testicles to implode
*When Chuck Norris interrupted Mr. T's breakfast of diesel fuel and shovels, Mr. T stood up and Chuck Norris shit himself, knowing a roundhouse kick to the face was useless to Mr. T's pity.
*The truth hurts, but significantly more when told to you by Mr. T.
*In Soviet Russia, the fools pitied Mr. T! This explains why there is no longer a Soviet Russia.
*Mr. T was taken out of the Mortal Kombat series because none of the other character's attacks could hurt him. There was also the problem that he kept having sex with the 3 ninja girls, at the same time.
*In 2005, the College of Cardinals actually chose Mr. T to become pope. When they informed him that he could not become Pope Pitius I, he expressed his pity for them, and declared that the Bible was just "jibba-jabba".
*Mr. T captured all 150 Pokemon. He keeps them in cages in his van.
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Last edited by Jasperovitsj on Jan-25-2006 at 01:02
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