|Originally posted by squirrelly |
I don't really have a specific reason for my move. I suppose it's just the hope that I will move forward. Although I'm okay with living here in Orlando, I just feel as though as a whole, I'll never move forward with my life, and after all, that IS what we're supposed to do, no? Move forward, make new goals, be sucessful, not just sit in the same spot for the rest of our lives.
Well when you put it that way, it sounds much more promising. It's natural to feel a sense of decadence, when one's life falls into a repeating pattern rather than showing signs of progression, and this sense can have quite a strong depressing influence. It happens to me quite frequently regrettably, and it seems to be doing so again these past few weeks. Last time, I quit my job and decided I wasn't going to work anymore. I decided that I would live on $750 a month and never make plans, living day-to-day and moment-to-moment to the extreme. It was exciting and new for a while, but now I grow weary of it once more and must find some new, yet unexplored path.
Moving forward, hell, moving backward - it's better than standing still.
|He stayed here with me last night and I fell asleep before he joined me in bed and it was strange, because it was a feeling of utomost comfort that I had while laying in bed while he was doing networking on my computer. I think leaving him behind will be the hardest thing for me to do. |
This morning we had breakfast and sat down and drank our mugs of coffee while we talked and he just looked over at me and asked my reason for leaving, and I couldn't really give him one. Sometimes I think living in Orlando is simply unhealthy because it's nearly impossible for me to let things go while I'm here.
In all honesty, what do we look for when we look at another individual? What is it that sparks our interest in the beginning? Nothing but looks, for all you have to go off of are really looks, you don't know them yet. What makes an individual actually like someone else? Having the same morals, having different morals, looking for the same things in life? And then when you find that someone, or you think you have, why do we hesitate to say something?
We can see through the games, the facades, the insincerity but we choose not to. And then when you decide to start paying attention to the signals that things are headed in a wrong direction with that individual, all you are left with is disgust. Then when you start paying attention to your surroundings, all the beauty you thought you saw is nothing other than bitter and ugly. People say they want one thing and then attach themselves to something completely different. If you're frequenting downtown a lot, chances are there's something wrong with that picture. A girl that frequents downtown a lot loves the attention she gets, likes the feeling of being wanted, is turned on by people wanting to fuck her. A girl that wears barely any clothes is probably not the type who's going to stick around.
I was talking to him today about all of this and we had a long discussion about it, and I said that basically there are two types of people when it comes to relationships, those that choose to wait for something special to come along, and those that bounce from person to person hoping that eventually one of them will be something that they want. Some of them will even wait, no matter how painful it might be, once they found that one person, for an eternity hoping that one day they will gather up the courage to express how they really feel (like myself).
There are those who are somewhat ashamed that they are in a relationship so they stress to others how the relationship really isn't THAT serious, basically saying that even though they are dating someone, you still have a chance. Who wants that kind of a person? If they did it with them, they'll do it with you as well. Then there are those who are so happy to be with the person they really want, they'll have nothing other than a smile when they talk about their SO, and make sure everyone knows they AREN'T available. There are those that cheat, and then there are those that are so happy with the person they're with, they would never dream about leaving them for someone else. There are those who will wait forever for someone, and there are those that look for quick fixes in the mean time.
Which are you?
Most people seem incapable of acting on anything but impulse, and their impulses usually deceive them. When I was younger, I tried desperately to find the "right one," and I went through relationships extremely fast. It seemed like the thing to do, but it was too simplistic and thus the relationships never went anywhere. As I grew more pessimistic about the search, I only grew more impatient and more impossible to satisfy.
It was not until I had all but given up completely that love found me, and suddenly I found a satisfaction I could never have imagined. But just as abruptly, and just as senselessly, it was annihilated. And just like that, I seek love no longer. There is nothing left for me in the world of romance.