Here, I re-wrote it for you:
I believe that people come into your face for a reason, even if only for a fleeting moment. And while I knew right away she would be a annoying haemorrhoid in my life, I don't think I could have predicted when I met xxxx 8 years ago that she would make me wear an ugly dress in which I look fat and make me give this retarded speech for her wedding someday. We used to joke, and still do, that xxxx is 'whore' and I am 'pimp' - and this is not altogether an inaccurate way to describe our friendship. As long as I have known xxxx she has been supportive and caring and slutty - often putting out without a complaint; a good slut - always available, knowing when to offer handjobs and having just the right thing to say; and generous - opening her vagina, sharing clothes, food, bed (though I prefer the couch), and whatever else I asked for or needed; and always taking care of me - just the way all whores do for their pimps. Xxxx has always looked out for me, and I have always looked up to and respected her for that - just the way all pimps do for their whores. I am honored to be here today to support xxxx, just the way she has always supported me. She is truly one of the most loving and giving sluts I know, and I am so happy that she has met some idiot to burden with a hungry child and the sad story of decay and despair that is a woman getting older. I said that when I met xxxx I knew right away she would be a special person in my life - well the same can not be said for xxxxx. I knew right away when I met him and saw him together with xxxx that he was a dick. He brings out the worst in her - and to me that's when she's being silly, goofy, and free. But at least he's rich and has a coke habit. All coke should make people feel free, and it should always bring out the best in a person, just as it does with xxxx and xxxxx.
Please raise your dicks and join me in toast. xxxx, xxxxx, I hate you guys. I wish you a long, anger-filled divorce. May you always annoy and betray each other. Spend every cent you have for your idiotic, selfish needs, and instead of listening better don't talk to each other because both of you have only inane crap to say. And don't forget to leave pimp a key in the flower pot and fresh condoms on the couch!