| Now I love the environment as much as anybody, and I definitely support any efforts to save the rainforest, but I'm also going to warn you not be fooled by all of this "woe is me" publicity surrounding the Amazon - don't start thinking that this is some kind of jungle full of frolicking animals and magical singing rainbows; this thing is a horrible, human-destroying demon bitch filled with some of the deadliest and most insane beasts this side of an out-of-control Greek myth about Hydra and Cerberus teaming up to eat Mount Olympus. The Amazonian Death-Jungle is over two million square miles of Piranha-infested rivers, head-shrinking cannibals, and dense tropical nightmare filled with jaguars ready to jump down out of trees and bite you in the damn brain with their razor-sharp fangs while you're taking a leak. This dank hellhole is home to electric eels, vampire bats, angry, eye-pecking Macaws, malaria-infected mosquitoes, and more bowel-clearing dysentery than you can shake a half-filled canteen at. Hell, even the cute little amphibians are malevolent beasts capable of wanton destruction at a moment's notice – a two-inch long Poison Dart Frog secretes venom from its pores powerful enough to kill ten men. It's one of the most highly-toxic creatures on the Earth's surface, and it's the size of a goddamned paper clip. |
