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man thats tough, sorry to hear that. all i can really do is echo what others have said and add on some things unsaid.

it gets easier man. it's shitty right now but you dodged a bullet from the sounds of it, kids will understand in time and it's honestly better for them in the long run. kids pick up on unhappy marriages and i think it fucks them up, they'll be better off seeing you happy.

my best friend went through a divorce, he was completely blindsided by it. long story short is that in the end he's much better, he's found someone that fits with him way better than his ex and i'll likely end up being his best man (again).

so sorry to hear this nick

u did everything u could to put things right and keep the show going but ultimately its a toxic relationship. unhealthy for kids to be mixed up in all of this adult bullshit. better to truncate the relationship for emotions sake and remain amicable than to try to save something thats beyond economical repair.

its quite common it seems to get with someone and with time find out that u are both indeed very different. the hardest part is the end. its always the end. every single time. its much like a sunk cost fallacy.

i wont slag her off in this post as it yields no real benefit to anyone but im sure she had her reasons. some people are fucked up and have deeply rooted problems. some of which are beyond ur reach. sometimes u actually drive them deeper into the hole if u try to interfere. almost like magnets repelling.

just take the time to reflect and work on urself and make time for the kids. u dont want them to be all fucked up from this.

heartbreak and trust issues will eventually subside when u meet the right person. give it time and dont try too hard to look for a substitute of what u lost. u stand to actually gain from this chapter. a lot to learn and digest but that does add to ur wealth of knowledge and wisdom!

hope u feel better sooner rather than later

quote:

Originally posted by SYSTEM-J There's not much anyone can say to console you that isn't a clich�, but as that great cultural commentator Max Payne once said, "Everything is a clich� until it happens to you."

Man, so true... love this quote.

quote:

Originally posted by Silky Johnson I will say, just the kid factor alone is challenging for even the healthiest marriages.

Yup. I've emphasized this to a few friends before they recently married when they questioned whether it was the right thing to do. That alone is a red flag imo. But everyone and every journey is different. Don't do it because you feel lonely otherwise or pressured by external sources to follow the traditional path. Or simply because you're attracted to her or him and the freshness of your relationship is how you think it'll feel like forever. The euphoric experience of new love you enjoy will wane, especially when you have a kid. The chemistry you truly share will either help you overcome the obstacles you'll face or the lack of it will result in the eventual break, or worse, a life of misery. I really envy young people who have the maturity to know this (among many other life lessons) without enduring the suffering it takes for most to gain that wisdom. That said, I feel so fortunate to be with my wife and have her in my life. She's fabulous. I bust my ass as a husband and father, too, but it's because I know she deserves it and is 100% by my side. No doubts whatsoever. Polar opposite of what I dealt with before, so never lose hope.

quote:

Originally posted by KilldaDJ its quite common it seems to get with someone and with time find out that u are both indeed very different. the hardest part is the end. its always the end. every single time. its much like a sunk cost fallacy.

People these days jump into relationships so fast. I mean, I remember Londoners doing it because they couldn't pay rent on their own.

For me, it took a shitty relationship, traveling and meeting different woman around the world to find whom I feel I can drive this long road with until the wheels fall off. I know I'm lucky.

Anyway, I'm a bit tipsy on the rose. Didn't mean to make this about moi.

Hope you're staying positive for your kids and continuing to share your love with them without too much distraction to the vibe.

Yup went through my own divorce from my wife in 2018. It sucks.


You don't ask her be with you for the rest of your life if you don't mean it. I still think about her every day.

Mentally preparing myself for all of the "firsts" to come. And I think there will be lots. For instance, I have already experienced the first holiday apart, and now recently the first time my soon to be ex-wife has stayed at her new boyfriend's house for the weekend. It's excruciating, all of it. The feeling of loss is something I regularly grieve, and still wonder if it was something wrong with me. Constantly being around her during this time has been such a challenge. It's like I want things to be as they were but they never will be. It's been hard to start the healing process when the physical separation hasn't fully happened yet.

The legal process has been unfolding, with financial disclosures and the division of assets looming. We will be selling the house in the spring. She's going to come out of this marriage with half of my retirement savings and more. It has soured me on the idea of ever being remarried, especially without a prenuptial agreement. It's almost like marriage is a gamble of your net worth on a relationship, which seems insane thinking about it. Or perhaps it's just an observation through my jaded lens.

It's painful for me, and will remain painful, but I'm doing my best to move on. Sorry if I'm using this board as group therapy, but the cor whores could use a bit of heavy life shit to read here and there.

The good news is that I'm currently in the best shape of my life, and barring injury I'm set up for a solid racing season next year. Using this stretch of time between now and my 40's to be really fit before age catches up with me.

That is fucking brutal dude. Stay focused on the bright spots! Keep us in the loop, yo!



My sister once said some shit like she'd take her husband to the cleaners when they get divorced, and I found that so fucking evil and gross. Like she was so hard done by this wonderful man. 🙄

Gotta marry up next time, then you get half of hers

This is all a learning experience that changes you into who you will be, through painful, through fun, through challenging times. It all shapes you and your future decisions. Those might lead you to a new relationship where you go into it with new experienced eyes. Or it may not, either way you are growing and getting better.

Sorry to hear about all this, Zip. You too,Jack.

quote:

Originally posted by ziptnf Mentally preparing myself for all of the "firsts" to come. And I think there will be lots. For instance, I have already experienced the first holiday apart, and now recently the first time my soon to be ex-wife has stayed at her new boyfriend's house for the weekend. It's excruciating, all of it. The feeling of loss is something I regularly grieve, and still wonder if it was something wrong with me. Constantly being around her during this time has been such a challenge. It's like I want things to be as they were but they never will be. It's been hard to start the healing process when the physical separation hasn't fully happened yet. The legal process has been unfolding, with financial disclosures and the division of assets looming. We will be selling the house in the spring. She's going to come out of this marriage with half of my retirement savings and more. It has soured me on the idea of ever being remarried, especially without a prenuptial agreement. It's almost like marriage is a gamble of your net worth on a relationship, which seems insane thinking about it. Or perhaps it's just an observation through my jaded lens. It's painful for me, and will remain painful, but I'm doing my best to move on. Sorry if I'm using this board as group therapy, but the cor whores could use a bit of heavy life shit to read here and there. The good news is that I'm currently in the best shape of my life, and barring injury I'm set up for a solid racing season next year. Using this stretch of time between now and my 40's to be really fit before age catches up with me.

I�m sure you�ve done your due diligence and things are probably different to AU, but over here it�s generally a better idea to buy out the spouse and keep the house. Our market is nuts though i guess.

My best mate lost $2-300K from his super (401k) during his second divorce. That shit makes a person bitter, especially when there hasnt been an equal contribution to finances. She still begs him for money.

I'd like to believe I'd never be so scummy and money grubbing. I do realize that people divorcing are in a much different place emotionally...bitterness, resentment, etc. But as it stands right now, I could not, in good conscience, walk away from marriage with anything more than what I earned myself and fairly contributed. All that would matter is ensuring minimal disruptions to my kid's life. Only a fucking selfish dickhead weaponizes this.

I understand the child support. I make 3x her salary, so it makes sense that I would help keep our standard of living (to what she can afford) for the sake of the children. Slashing my 401k and IRA is insane though and kinda fucked up. I hope she doesn't go after my annual bonus as well. The shitty thing is that she's legally entitled to half of it. Blood sucking vampire.

quote:

Originally posted by ziptnf I understand the child support. I make 3x her salary, so it makes sense that I would help keep our standard of living (to what she can afford) for the sake of the children.

Exactly.

quote:

Originally posted by ziptnf Slashing my 401k and IRA is insane though and kinda fucked up. I hope she doesn't go after my annual bonus as well. The shitty thing is that she's legally entitled to half of it. Blood sucking vampire.

Exactly.





lol

quote:

Originally posted by ziptnf Mentally preparing myself for all of the "firsts" to come. And I think there will be lots. For instance, I have already experienced the first holiday apart, and now recently the first time my soon to be ex-wife has stayed at her new boyfriend's house for the weekend. It's excruciating, all of it. The feeling of loss is something I regularly grieve, and still wonder if it was something wrong with me. Constantly being around her during this time has been such a challenge. It's like I want things to be as they were but they never will be. It's been hard to start the healing process when the physical separation hasn't fully happened yet. The legal process has been unfolding, with financial disclosures and the division of assets looming. We will be selling the house in the spring. She's going to come out of this marriage with half of my retirement savings and more. It has soured me on the idea of ever being remarried, especially without a prenuptial agreement. It's almost like marriage is a gamble of your net worth on a relationship, which seems insane thinking about it. Or perhaps it's just an observation through my jaded lens. It's painful for me, and will remain painful, but I'm doing my best to move on. Sorry if I'm using this board as group therapy, but the cor whores could use a bit of heavy life shit to read here and there. The good news is that I'm currently in the best shape of my life, and barring injury I'm set up for a solid racing season next year. Using this stretch of time between now and my 40's to be really fit before age catches up with me.

Damn, so sorry to hear about all this man. But I'm glad you are trying to stay positive -- and your fitness journey over the years has been amazing! keep at it!

My parents split after 25 years of marriage when I was 23. It's just as shitty in my opinion to see divorce as an adult because you understand more and have more angst towards one party over the other --- maybe kids get that, I dunno...but I would think kids get over parental divorce easier than adults do? Either way man, chin up!

JEO deleted a post that I actually want to address real quick. Basically he outlined a similar period for him where the end of a relationship had him nearly drink himself to death.

My brother is an alcoholic. He claims to be able to stop now when he wants, but I wouldn't bet money on that being a guarantee if it came down to it. His wife also somewhat enables him by drinking around him and playing off his problem as a series of unrelated mistakes.

The other night I was in a good mood and didn't really care what my ex-wife was up to that evening. I ended up drinking way more than I was anticipating and actually got drunk. Miraculously woke up without a headache and still had a solid swim session a few hours later. But the feeling I had of being drunk was miserable. I can see how people turn to the bottle. It numbs you and makes things not matter as much anymore. I refuse to let alcohol impact my life. I would rather drink non-alcoholic beer and flavored seltzers than get involved in drinking alcohol. I just don't even want to go down that road at all. It's not that I think I'll have a problem with it, but I'd rather disengage with it entirely.

quote:

Originally posted by ziptnf JEO deleted a post that I actually want to address real quick. Basically he outlined a similar period for him where the end of a relationship had him nearly drink himself to death. My brother is an alcoholic. He claims to be able to stop now when he wants, but I wouldn't bet money on that being a guarantee if it came down to it. His wife also somewhat enables him by drinking around him and playing off his problem as a series of unrelated mistakes. The other night I was in a good mood and didn't really care what my ex-wife was up to that evening. I ended up drinking way more than I was anticipating and actually got drunk. Miraculously woke up without a headache and still had a solid swim session a few hours later. But the feeling I had of being drunk was miserable. I can see how people turn to the bottle. It numbs you and makes things not matter as much anymore. I refuse to let alcohol impact my life. I would rather drink non-alcoholic beer and flavored seltzers than get involved in drinking alcohol. I just don't even want to go down that road at all. It's not that I think I'll have a problem with it, but I'd rather disengage with it entirely.

Have you ever used Whoop? I used it for like a year while working out and while not working out. It is pretty great at measuring impact of sleep and sleep quality. Alcohol tanks it, even if you feel ok and workout, you just get this dead sleep. That helped me really choose, do I want to take tomorrow's energy by drinking? I did find having one or two earlier (like 3 hours before bed) didn't really impact me. So there is something to day drinking

quote:

Originally posted by ziptnf I just don't want to go down that road at all. It's not that I think I'll have a problem with it, but I'd rather disengage with it entirely.

You know, Nick, you've always come across as someone who is much more likely to put up a fight and excel during hardship than engage in any kind of destructive behaviour, such as alcoholism, or wallow in self-pity. From your coca-coding days programming for soft drink behemoths to your aubergine-rocking Ironman achievements and psy-trancestep mixes, I've always found it inspiring how you seem to have a drive to just go and - bam! - do something unique and great.

Now, I'm not writing this just to hype you up, although it's probably always nice to be reminded that you're the N to the freaking K, and there are people wishing you all the best despite not having ever met them, but rather because I don't think you really need to worry about addressing this since we'd have figured as much. If anything, I'm sure most of us would expect you to do something unexpectedly awesome instead and inspire your kids. I mean, you've always seemed to look out for your brother, so it's only natural for us to imagine you'd do your best to be a good father figure for them as well.

And that brings me to the main reason I came out of the shadows:

quote:

Originally posted by ziptnf I understand the child support. I make 3x her salary, so it makes sense that I would help keep our standard of living (to what she can afford) for the sake of the children. Slashing my 401k and IRA is insane though and kind of messed up. I hope she doesn't go after my annual bonus as well. The crappy thing is that she's legally entitled to half of it. Blood-sucking vampire.

If there's one thing I've learned dealing with hundreds of people up close every year, it's that people with questionable morals tend, over time, to display the emotional intelligence of a lobotomised bonobo. Depending on what she does, wouldn't you be able to revert this decision? I don't mean you going out of your way to get revenge or anything, but sit back and wait for her to screw up on her own so bad that she'd lose the right to her half in the split and/or custody of the kids (which I suspect is part of the reason she's getting half of everything she can lay her eyes on).

Of course, the following depends on whether you'd want to deprive your children of contact with their mother, but if you can prove your former wife cheated on you, for example, or if she keeps making bad decisions and proves to be an unreliable parent, can't you have full custody and ease the dent in your finances? I read about it all the time on the internet, so I wonder if it applies to your case.

quote:

Originally posted by Lira

All of this was really nice of you to say. I can hardly believe I had people resetting their passwords and trying to log back in just to offer their moral support during this time. I hope everyone knows that their words have been greatly appreciated from my end.

quote:

Depending on what she does, wouldn't you be able to revert this decision? ... but if you can prove your former wife cheated on you, for example, or if she keeps making bad decisions and proves to be an unreliable parent, can't you have full custody and ease the dent in your finances?

I addressed this earlier already. It'll be 50/50 all the way down.

I have continued to work on myself, my career, and my training. I am working to finalize the legal side of things and sell my house. Ultimately as I reflect on many parts of the marriage between my ex wife and I, it appears to have been an inevitable outcome. If you really zoom out, nearly everyone on the planet went through a covid "portal", existing as one person before they went in and transforming into a different person (ranging from slightly different to completely different) coming out. We both seem to have exited the portal with new identities. I went in as a slightly overweight hobbyist and came out as a full fledged endurance athlete. Her motherly, family oriented persona dissolved into an independent, exploratory individual seeking an entirely different life experience. It's an interesting case study, and probably not even particularly unique, as many people have changed over the last 4 years.

Anyway, the love and support from all of you has been really wonderful. It's a good thing one of those spammy judgemental dickheads like Nou or whatever aren't here. I can't imagine his or srussell's reaction to this thread. They probably would have derailed the whole thing.

It's been a series of back and forth communication between our attorneys over the last couple months. Primarily she was going after as much child support as possible, which to be fair was not much. My attorney argued that since I'm paying $1,200 per month as the sole contributor to my daughter's daycare as well as paying both children's insurance premiums, maintenance is not necessary. So her child support numbers came out to $130/mo per his calculations. Her attorney argued that I make way more money than her and requested $600/mo in child support. My attorney said fuck that and we offered a compromise with $100/mo in child support and maintenance payments of $200/mo for 2 years. She accepted and we intend to sign this week or next. Then the courts will make it official.

I also got the keys to my new apartment today. It's pretty small compared to this large house I own, and I'm going to have to sell or put a lot of stuff in storage. I've already gotten rid of my lawnmower and hedge trimmer. Once we sign, I'm going to start moving small things out first and then start moving big things. My parents have been extremely helpful, watching the kids and helping me prepare my house for the market.

I'm still training my ass off lately, with the season just around the corner and spring weather beginning to arrive. I've been cranking 40mi (64km) rides at >23mph (>37kmph) and my bike fitness is top notch. Need some more work on the run and then I'll be ready for the season. Two 70.3's, a 3 day National Multisport event, and 2 Olympic races from May-Sept. I'm glad that my new place is in my old stomping grounds, providing great areas to ride and run.

I'm considering crafting a letter to deliver to my ex. Partly out of a desire for closure, as I often am able to better shape my understanding of my own feelings about something when I write them down. I get the sense that she is still quite confused how she ended up in this position and why she made the decisions she made. The house money will run out eventually, leaving her with a meagre salary and fairly minimal child support. Depending on how quickly she remarries (will she tell him it's her third marriage?) I can see her blowing through the money in under 5 years. Reality is starting to set in, and it's all almost over. I hope her grass is greener on the other side.

quote:

Originally posted by ziptnf I'm considering crafting a letter to deliver to my ex. Partly out of a desire for closure, as I often am able to better shape my understanding of my own feelings about something when I write them down. I get the sense that she is still quite confused how she ended up in this position and why she made the decisions she made.

Now, of course I'm saying this based solely on your posts, and I'm all for saying you should let others know how you feel... But, unless you write this letter and then proceed to incinerate it in some sort of ritualistic cleansing or simply throw it away, what good would possibly come out of it?

It's only natural you feel hurt after all that's happened and you want her to know how you feel, but what if you still feel misunderstood by her response to your letter and you want to add something to your final say? See how this can end in a doom loop?

If anything, the ball is in her court. If she ever offers an olive branch and decides to get something off her chest, then you do it. Otherwise, it doesn't seem she's ready (or willing) to hear.

DON'T SEND TEH LETTAR
































(really Lira, how did you miss this opportunity??)

Yeah. More than likely I'll just write it and keep it to myself. I'm working on stopping myself from feeling any type of feelings about her at all. They are truly correct when they say divorce is like a death. Still trying to process that the person I married isn't here anymore.

I've actually gone ahead and started moving stuff over. Anything that is "mine" and is largely non-essential is a candidate. Most big pieces of furniture are going to have to wait until she inks the paper.

I can't even begin to imagine how gut-wrenching the whole thing must be, but you handling it like a pro is a such a boss move

quote:

Originally posted by Silky Johnson (really Lira, how did you miss this opportunity??)

Dammit, can't believe I missed it! Oh, well, glad someone took the assist and saved it

She sent back the agreement with a few redlines. Most notably:

1. In the event of extraordinary medical circumstances regarding the children, I would be responsible proportional to my income instead of 50-50.

2. She struck the portion on maintenance payments where they would no longer be required if she moved in with an unrelated adult. Basically if she moves in with her boyfriend she wants to keep getting paid.

It's reasonable to request proportional responsibility for my children's extraordinary medical expenses. But I'm not fucking paying maintenance if she moves in with her boyfriend. Fuck that. I sent that back to her (through my attorney).

What a stunned and greedy cunt.

I had an inkling that you're dealing with an actual sociopath here, and this, unless proposed by her lawyer without asking her first or something, just reinforces my belief. I recommend finding some sort of help for recognizing signs in your kids of her trying to isolate you from them or her trying to change their perception of you. As I understand it, you started your relationship with her by her talking shit about her ex. Who knows if any of that was true? She's probably done the same to her new boyfriend regarding you, and I wouldn't rule out her badmouthing you to your kids on a level you'll find unbelievable once you uncover what she's been saying. She's already shown you she's an especially unreliable person.

I just decided to check how is the forum going after so many years and I am very sad to see this thread.

This sounds terrible, Nick, and I know there is hardly any quick remedy. We've never met but I know you are a great guy who deserves much better than what this woman has made you go through.

I second the advice not to go into the dark path of alcohol/ self-depression and similar as it will never be a solution. If there weren't any kids, what I would've also recommend, based on what you have shared, to communicate only via your lawyer and cut off any contact with her, but that would be nearly impossible. I think you should try though to make the case that she is not stable and therefore not reliable as a mother. Consult with your lawyer if there is any chance to win full custody?

Anyway, stay strong and a new light will come soon enough, I am sure!

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