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Heartfelt Apology to Producers/ADHD Lifestory

L4C triggered this sadness inside of me...

I feel so bad about being a dick on these forums, especially shitting on others people tracks or other people's ideas. Please don't take it personally, it was never really personal; it was just a way for me get a little bit of humor out of my otherwise emotionally dull life. I am completely stupid in this regard: I could have making friends, but I chose to make enemies instead.

I recently got diagnosed ADHD/Social Anxiety and this was after 15 years old being told I had garbage pale depression/anxiety. THESE TWO DIAGNOSES ARE NOT THE SAME. I've been to countless psychologists, one specializing in Social Anxiety Disorders(WITH A SHITTY PHD TO BOOT), another one specializing in adult children of narcissists, several primary care physicians, one acupunturist(to her credit the first time made me feel euphoric), CBT therapist, tried a fuckton of antidepressants, and none of it helped. I finally got a psychi that gets it and now I'm on a drug trial so I'm a bit more hopeful, but man this whole process was depressing: living your whole life not knowing what the fuck is wrong with you and to add to the pressure everyone thinks your a fucking genius who should be able to reach whatever stupid standard they have in their head.

I thought ADHD had to do with hyperactivity, bouncing off the walls and touching everything, but most people don't deal with that type. My type ADHD-PI has to do with "inattention" and by that I mean you can't just focus on one thing because you are juggling 5-10 things in your head. Walk into a room and there are 10 things to worry about.

"Shit do I need to close the door all the way? When should I approach the counter to talk to the nurse? Which word should I use to correctly express X thought? Should I read that magazine, oh wait no, cause then I'll have to wash my hands, o wait, but I'll have to wash them anyways.ETC ETC ETC." I lose my wallet and phone all the time. Put down somewhere, "WHERE THE FUCK DID IT GO?" When I was walking out of the doctors office I thought I left my glasses back at his office, so I get there and tell him I forgot my glasses. I look down at my shirt, and there hanging off my shirt was the pair of glasses that went missing! I deal with shit like this all the time, but I hide it so well that most of the time I walk around with an angry bitch face and people think I'm a pompous asshole because I'm good looking. Sometimes I wish I could just be scarred or something so people would feel sorry for me if I felt angry or sad.

I could be wrong about this, but I think that there are some people are here with the same problem. I want to reach out to people here because its a fucking bitch to deal with. Maybe this is ignorant, but I think treatable cancer would be better because then you say, "I have cancer" and then you get free pussy(jk, maybe...) But ADHD is misunderstood by laypeople(which is understandable), ADHD meds are stigmatized via retarded college kids abusing it, but worst of all is that MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS DON'T DIAGNOSE AND TREAT IT PROPERLY.

Most people don't get diagnosed correctly, those who are will most likely not seek treatment. Those who do get meds, might not even receive the correct dosing. Meds have to be fined tuned for proper effect.

I'm not sure if I'll start producing anytime soon, but maybe in the future I will pick it up as a hobby again. I wish you guys the best of luck and get whatever it is you want out of your music.






TL DR: I'm sorry for being a dick. I had a ton of psych problems, and eventually got diagnosed for ADHD/Society Anxiety. If you think you may have it I highly suggest going in for treatment. If you have any questions feel free to ask.

Welcome to my world. It's like pressing play on a hundred different documentaries simultaneously inside the head.

If you try to stop it and clear your mind, it's like holding your breath - you can only do it for a few seconds before panicking.

All external functions such as socialising require massive amounts of concentration, which become uncomfortable and increasingly difficult, resulting in a strange form of introversion where you need to disappear to a quiet place to release all your mental energy.

It's not fun, and hardly anyone understands just what the fuck you're going through to try and look normal.

I thought I had adhd reaching my early 20s because I hadn't accomplished anything , and would give up or fail whenever I attempted to. I realized what it really was is addiction (the internet) and like other addictions it basically hindered my ability to follow through or complete a task. All I wanted was the reward and lost sight of the steps it took to accomplish them. Mindlessly browsing the Web day in and day out would do that to you I guess..


I have Seen some minor improvements though ever since I embarked on this quest of "having a life" I got my license , and went back to school.

I am still working on it , too me it's as hard as quitting a drug even though I may not suffer like a junkie physically or mentally, the time I have wasted can never be given back .. there's days that I take initiative and own up to my bs and other times mope with thoughts of suicide and blaming others .


(Ps I know they have rehab for all sorts of things now , but I gotta do this the old fashioned way as I'm broke and have pretty much been on my own since 17)

I will say that the depression or whatever is bothering isn't going to just go away one day , you need to seek help

quote:

Originally posted by aquila Welcome to my world. It's like pressing play on a hundred different documentaries simultaneously inside the head. If you try to stop it and clear your mind, it's like holding your breath - you can only do it for a few seconds before panicking. All external functions such as socialising require massive amounts of concentration, which become uncomfortable and increasingly difficult, resulting in a strange form of introversion where you need to disappear to a quiet place to release all your mental energy. It's not fun, and hardly anyone understands just what the fuck you're going through to try and look normal.

You act normal and you get nothing for it. Funny in a way.

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Originally posted by LoveHate I thought I had adhd reaching my early 20s because I hadn't accomplished anything , and would give up or fail whenever I attempted to. I realized what it really was is addiction (the internet) and like other addictions it basically hindered my ability to follow through or complete a task. All I wanted was the reward and lost sight of the steps it took to accomplish them. Mindlessly browsing the Web day in and day out would do that to you I guess.. I have Seen some minor improvements though ever since I embarked on this quest of "having a life" I got my license , and went back to school. I am still working on it , too me it's as hard as quitting a drug even though I may not suffer like a junkie physically or mentally, the time I have wasted can never be given back .. there's days that I take initiative and own up to my bs and other times mope with thoughts of suicide and blaming others . (Ps I know they have rehab for all sorts of things now , but I gotta do this the old fashioned way as I'm broke and have pretty much been on my own since 17) I will say that the depression or whatever is bothering isn't going to just go away one day , you need to seek help

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So here is where the certainty comes from. People with ADHD nervous systems ALWAYS use Interest, Challenge, Novelty, and Urgency and can NEVER use Importance rewards and consequences in daily life to get the tasks of their lives done. The second defining feature of ADHD is like the first. People with ADHD nervous systems ALWAYS have an intense, almost catastrophic emotional response to the perception that someone has withdrawn their love, approval, or respect and non-ADHD folks NEVER do (or at least not to the disruptive extent that ADHD people do). Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and an Interest-Based Nervous System together can explain virtually all of the manifestations of ADHD.

That's how you know if you have ADHD. If you don't have it, maybe think about getting on something.

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Originally posted by Robotrance What's up? whats with colours?

Figured it would be easier to read.

Is it just me or are mental disorders relatively common among artists?

I think they're more common among message boards.

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Originally posted by Beatflux But ADHD is misunderstood by laypeople(which is understandable), ADHD meds are stigmatized via retarded college kids abusing it, but worst of all is that MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS DON'T DIAGNOSE AND TREAT IT PROPERLY.

All mental illness is misunderstood by people who haven't experienced some sort of it themselves. Many doctors have difficulty diagnosing and treating people because the brain is very complex and every MI person suffers in his or her own way. Psychiatrists tread in darkness, as it's all basically trial and error with medications.

And whoever thinks considers the cliche that mental illness somehow enhances your creativity is seriously misinformed.

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Originally posted by AlphaStarred I think they're more common among message boards.

Sure, if you mean plain old insanity

It's just that I keep reading about actors, musicians etc. who are suffering from ADHD, depression, bipolar disorder and so on. And I'm one of them too.

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Originally posted by Mr.Mystery It's just that I keep reading about actors, musicians etc. who are suffering from ADHD, depression, bipolar disorder and so on. And I'm one of them too.

Mental illness happens to many people, unfortunately, it's just that you don't hear/read about it because they're not famous.

Welcome to the club broseph.

yup yup being mentally unwell sucks balls

I can sympathize OP, I have similar regrets from when I first got on message boards and didn't have a grip on it (ADHD/Social Anxiety).

I never really found any medication that didn't equally help and hurt me simultaneously, so I have been off of it for years now and learned to cope with it somewhat. Its still an ongoing battle and I often become recluse for long periods of time besides my job. Still, I see improvement in my life every year looking back at the previous. To think almost 5 years ago I was pretty much at rock bottom.

Good that you are getting your stuff sorted out and best of luck to you in the future

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Originally posted by Robotrance attention whores. so called extroverted sensitive, they feed on attention and only way to get it is to whine over their sensitivity and this is probably due to understimulation or misunderstanding early in life. deal with it. being sensitive is a gift if handled correctly, so handle it and shut up. use your gift for the great of the world instead, most people are unable to due to lack of perception of details while sensitive people are usually those who comes up with fantastic stuff, or theyll go under in dispear.

Wow, that is an incredibly insensitive thing to say. Actually, it's a total jerkwad thing to say.

Mental illness is a real thing, and we are not helped at all by jerks like you who just tell us to suck it up. Do you tell people to just 'deal with it' when they have cancer? Because trust me, there is no difference between mental and physical illness in that regard.

Grow the hell up.

ADHD is a real thing and difficult to deal with so I'm sorry it took so long to make progress Beatflux. I don't know if it make a adiffernce to you but I never thought you ever came off as a dick or being mean to people.

I don't think his comments fit this particular case, but Palm (robotrance) does actually tap in to something. Living in LA, I know a lot of wannabe "artists" and "actors" etc, who do little fucking more than obsess about how fucking sensitive and deep they are - some of it really is what he's getting at in terms of extroverted sensitive; apparently uber sensitive but has to make sure everyone knows about it.

Again not the case here but I know what Palm is getting at.

Also, there is a little bit of a strain of people spending waaaaaaay too much of their lives thinking about what is wrong with them, or what could be their problem.

Go visit some really poor countries or better still, ask your grandparents generation about mental illness. They just don't have time for it, and never did.

Even look at the PTSD rates among soldiers now and compare it to 80 years ago. Both my grandfathers fought in WW2, saw truly horrific things, most their friends died (often in front of them) yet it somehow didn't fuck them up for the rest of their lives or even define them.

Now you have soldiers who do one tour and come back and after a couple of years are non-functioning human vegetables. Sure there's other factors like the drugs they made them take etc but without sounding callous, some if it comes down to giving these disorders room and oxygen to thrive.

Same can be said for some people in society, and often they are white people problems if you know what I mean.

Again, none of this detracts from depression and true mental illness, but not everyone who struggles in life is mentally ill or has a disorder.

That's where the shit the fuck up, buck up and deal with it comes from, and in certain scenarios, I get it.

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Originally posted by DJ RANN Also, there is a little bit of a strain of people spending waaaaaaay too much of their lives thinking about what is wrong with them, or what could be their problem. Go visit some really poor countries or better still, ask your grandparents generation about mental illness. They just don't have time for it, and never did.

What exactly is the point you are making here? That those of us suffering from severe mental illnesses (want to see my hospital charts? Want to know what it's like to have your stomach pumped? Want to see my scars? Will that make it real for you?) should just ignore it? Doesn't work that way.

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Again, none of this detracts from depression and true mental illness, but not everyone who struggles in life is mentally ill or has a disorder. That's where the shit the fuck up, buck up and deal with it comes from, and in certain scenarios, I get it.

Unless you are someone's doctor, and are aware of and treating them for their mental illness, you have exactly no idea what you are talking about. You do not know that the person who you think is 'just struggling' is in fact suffering from a disorder.

Someone else I know said it better:

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Unless you serve this population by being their doctor, your knowledge of their conditions is limited and describing their mental conditions in terms like that is a shitty shitty thing to do

I'll say it again, those who never experienced a real mental illness can never put themselves in the shoes of those who have.

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Originally posted by DJ RANN Go visit some really poor countries or better still, ask your grandparents generation about mental illness. They just don't have time for it, and never did.

You do have somewhat of a point, but it's still likely coming from someone who doesn't know what serious mental illness really is.
My grandmother's sister had classic Bipolar, and her brother had classic Schizophrenia. Try telling them they "didn't have the time for it." Unfortunately serious mental illness severely hampers your ability to function in society and around people - certainly when you're in an "episode." Luckily remission is possible with the right medications and sometimes the "right lifestyle."

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Again, none of this detracts from depression and true mental illness, but not everyone who struggles in life is mentally ill or has a disorder.

Absolutely, life itself is a struggle, but unfortunately mental illness only adds to the struggle, often to a very large, if immeasurable, degree.

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Originally posted by AlphaStarred I'll say it again, those who never experienced a real mental illness can never put themselves in the shoes of those who have. You do have somewhat of a point, but it's still likely coming from someone who doesn't know what serious mental illness really is.

Thank you. Very much.

Some unbelieveably ignorant and idiotic things being said in this thread. Fucking hell.

Wow.

Edit:
Looks like the idiocy was removed.

You are right, but so is RANN, but there is a distinction between the 2.
To RANN's point, A LOT of people get diagnosed (or label themselves) as having some form of ADHD. For About 99% of them having these tendencies should not get in the way of life, or being abused as an excuse for their struggle in life.
Everyone is different right? His point is more to the attention whores who feel sorry for themselves and blame ADHD as their rootcause failing life. Everybody struggles in life. Thinking life is unfair because of your tween struggles, doesn't make you an ADHD patient. Talking about mental "scars" and comparing them with cancer doesn't resonate very well it's very selfimposed and egocentric. just not sure if taking meds is the best way to go to balance those emotions out.
I do know things in this category (tweeny ADHD) often get worse once labelled.
Get a mental coach and learn some NLP/Mindfullness techniques, these will help keep perspective.

quote:

Originally posted by AlphaStarred I'll say it again, those who never experienced a real mental illness can never put themselves in the shoes of those who have. You do have somewhat of a point, but it's still likely coming from someone who doesn't know what serious mental illness really is. My grandmother's sister had classic Bipolar, and her brother had classic Schizophrenia. Try telling them they "didn't have the time for it." Unfortunately serious mental illness severely hampers your ability to function in society and around people - certainly when you're in an "episode." Luckily remission is possible with the right medications and sometimes the "right lifestyle." Absolutely, life itself is a struggle, but unfortunately mental illness only adds to the struggle, often to a very large, if immeasurable, degree.

From my experience a lot of people get stamped ADHD way to quickly and easily. Especially food can influence behaviour a lot (also when you do have ADHD). I see a lot of kids (less than 12 years old) drinking cheap red bull replacements or eating loads of sugar before 13:00. Especially when their parents have little education. No wonder they're all over the place, but far from all of them have ADHD. Doctors just say: pump them full of Ritalin and they'll tone down. My gut says this goes for the majority of 'ADHD'-diagnosed people.

A few things that have helped for me is actually doing (very little) reading on practical problems one might have. In my case I get distracted by either something around me or by my mind within seconds.

- I write down things I need to remember. When I'm on a phone call for work or business I would otherwise have forgotten what is said 10-15 seconds after it was mentioned.
- I cut down on sugar/carbs (little to no bread for instance). It makes me a lot more relaxed. It also reduces certain tics (for lack of a better word) I have. They're not really apparent to anyone who isn't aware but it reduces a lot of distraction.
- Only drink coffee/caffeine when I really need to perform hard. Hardly ever happens, and otherwise a bit of stress is usually already sufficient.
- Sport regularly. Release some of your energy. I can't due to a foot injury for well over 6 months now and its frustrating as hell.

It does come with its advantages too. ADHD people are usually more creative for instance .

I edited out my post seeing you removed yours.

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Originally posted by Raphie just not sure if taking meds is the best way to go to balance those feelings out.

I do agree that the meds are being given way too easily whenever someone is being a little bit sad. A distinction needs to be made between real mental disorders and teen angst.

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