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Divorce

Well it's basically been my worst nightmare the last few days. I feel like my stomach has fallen out of my body. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I tried to do everything to save the marriage, way past what most would do. My poor young children aren't going to understand.

I know Weiner went through it. She is doing great now if I recall. Anyone else here?

Damn dude that sucks. If you did all you could though and the relationship just isn't working and/or can't be salvaged, you really are doing the best thing for your kids.

My parents divorced and because of it they were each able to give us all the emotional availability, stability, guidance, time, and validation we needed.... something there's no way in hell they'd have been capable of doing had they stayed together. Had they done the old "stay together for the kids," we'd surely have grown up in a toxic home.

Kids understand more than adults give them credit for. I wouldn't stress on that too much. I was 6/7 when my parents split and I knew even at that age it was necessary. I'm grateful for it, truly. Kids don't need much more than a safe and stable home, and that's what you'll be giving them.

Anyway, really sorry to hear. The end of a marriage is a huge loss to grieve.

That stinks man sorry you are going through this. My parents split when I was around 12 and it is different then. We really blamed ourselves at first but it was easier to explain it wasn't our fault.

There will be better times later. Stay busy and good luck.

Sorry to hear, man. That's tough. As soon as I read the thread title, my heart sank a bit.

My parents split when I was 4 before I started school. Growing up, I didn't think much of it. I always just said, "They're so different and weren't meant for each other. That's obvious. I understand why it happened."

What affected me most from their split was their choice in partners afterward, especially my mom. She cheated on my dad with a guy who became my "stepdad" for five years while I lived with them. He abused me physically and mentally. She left him a few years after having my sister only to meet another asshole who she's still with today. No one in the family likes the guy. I don't even see him anymore. Fuck that.

A few years ago, I was up late on Facebook -- drunk. The name of the first guy popped up in my people you may know list. I decided to message him. He took about a year to respond; it was a few weeks before my son was born. He wrote that he could never forgive himself, he never expected me to and he was deeply sorry. It was the first time someone acknowledged my perspective and pain stemming from that situation. I was hoping it would be my mom to do so, but it was him. Who knows if it was a genuine response, but I appreciated it nonetheless. I felt lighter for it, for sure, even though my mom is still in denial and can't discuss it.

I wonder what kind of tension was in the household in the months or even years leading to my parents' split. From stories, I gather it was quite a fucked up environment in which to raise kids. That and their choice of partners has definitely had a lasting impact on my psyche. Although having my own kid has allowed me to refocus my energy on my own family and free myself from the grudges I once held, it also boggles my mind even more that my parents could've done some of the things they did.

Hope you pull through OK. Don't stop being a good dad just because you aren't their mother's husband.

It seems like there are so many "COD"'s (Children of Divorce) not just on this forum, but everywhere. Half the people I've spoken to about this are from divorced parents. My kids are definitely my #1 priority, and I have confidence that I can raise them well.

What I'm having most trouble with is why my wife did what she did. I'm not sure if I'm ready to type the details out here yet, because, no offense, some of you fuckers are savages and I'm afraid that I will be labeled as weak for not putting my foot down and ending things sooner. Our marriage has been on the rocks for the last 2.5 years. I loved her so very deeply and that just made things hurt worse.

I've been passing all of her transgressions on as a reflection of my own self. Perhaps it's illogical, because they were all her own choice. I just wanted her to recommit and she couldn't. I was willing to forgive it all if she could just lock it back in with me. I guess she is just seeking a different path in life. None of that realization makes it hurt any less though. I'm working on tanking the pain that comes in waves. Sometimes I feel absolutely empty inside and other times I feel the acceptance. But shrouded over it all is immense sadness. Why did she fall out of love with me? Makes me feel worthless.

Thanks for all your comments. I'm in a dark place right now and I have dangerous thoughts cross my mind regularly. I'll be seeing my therapist on Friday and hopefully can get some help.

I'm pretty sure most of that sort are gone from this place lol.

Huzzah for therapy! Be well dude.

We weren't married but I'd been with my ex for eight years when we split in 2021. Mortgage, engagement, all in the bin. In that case I was the one who ended things after many years of trying to overlook things I wasn't happy with and which she refused to work on. All I can say is that even if you're the instigator it still doesn't make things easy. The overriding things I felt were intense guilt and a sense of failure, that I'd been a fool and that everything was wasted.

There's not much anyone can say to console you that isn't a clich�, but as that great cultural commentator Max Payne once said, "Everything is a clich� until it happens to you." What I will say is that you have a successful career, you've been a good father, you're a stand up guy and you have your shit together. When you re-enter the dating pool in your 30s you'll find that people value those things very highly. Women in particular are tired of deadbeats and time wasters. They want people of substance. You have substance, so as rejected and worthless as you feel now, when that rawness finally subsides you'll find you very much are not worthless at all.

Triathlon therapy is fairly effective!

quote:

Originally posted by ziptnf Why did she fall out of love with me? Makes me feel worthless.

I think we all fall out of love at some point, man. Some just keep going, knowing they'd eventually reach that same point with their next partner anyway, and somehow make the current thing work instead. Not always the best approach, of course. If she isn't the type to put in work in a marriage, you'll probably be happier with someone who is.

If you've been trying to fix things for a long time now, and especially if the compromises have been a bit one-sided, you might have become blind to just how much you've sacrificed and what kind of compromises you've been willing to make. I think in a year or so a very different type of person will be looking back at all of that's happened to you now.

I've always been keen on trying to fix a relationship when it's falling apart. Probably because it's never me who sees something wrong with how things are, so I just panic and try to change myself since I don't want to throw it all away. A girl I was with about a decade ago ended things by cheating on me. I think she had figured out I'm willing to work many things out, so she resorted to infidelity to make it more probable things would come to an end without me trying to negotiate. The girl after that, I forgave cheating and lots of lies, went to the moon and back to get us back together. She kept stringing me along even after leaving me, so I ended up doing her all kinds of favors in hopes of rekindling it all. You could say both of them knew my weak spot, but only the latter one knowingly let me suffer for months, falsely making me believe there's some sort of hope.

When the other one just decides they don't want to be together anymore, and you try to work things out, it can be impossible to get back to a place where you feel, and are, equal again. You'll end up in a dysfunctional relationship, waiting for the last big or small thing to finally break it all, and it's likely there's resentment building in you all that time.

I guess what I mean is, that in your shoes, and with the experience I have now, I would rather choose what you're going through now immediately than after the added pain that comes from trying to salvage something unsalvageable.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out in this thread and via PM. It's nice to know that others know what the pain feels like. A friend sent me a pretty good motivational video yesterday detailing that the pain lets you know that you can still feel. And if you can still feel it, then you can push it, and use it as fuel. As a competitive athlete, it's a good way to approach dealing with it. There is a series of emotions cycling through me. Sadness, disbelief, sucidial thoughts, depression, anger, acceptance, and then all of them back through the car wash over and over again, dozens of times a day. Last year I was on Zoloft to help with the trauma of the first discovery, and after experiencing the effects of antidepressants I'd rather feel all those feelings than suppress them entirely.

My coach hopped off the bike on Saturday to talk to me, because I was so distraught that it was clear my brain wasn't in the same galaxy. I very plainly wear my emotions on my sleeve. He told me about compartmentalization, and not letting all that hurt bleed out into the rest of my life, whether it's at my job, dealing with my kids, or during training. That's something I'll have to continue working on. Despite everyone's family situations, ultimately we are left to face life alone, and the people around us can only play supporting roles. When something this traumatic happens, however, it feels like all the power I received internally from her has dissipated. Thus the overwhelming feeling of emptiness.

Looking over the marriage as a whole, there was definitely a lot of one-sided work being done. I frequently adapted to necessary changes with what she needed regarding "me time" and taking care of the children, and did so whenever she asked me to do them. Unfortunately, she wouldn't talk to me about something until it was starting to become a big problem, and rather than having a level headed discussion like adults, it always spilled out from her in the form of accusatory frustration. Like I somehow wasn't reading her mind properly and didn't adjust accordingly.

I could probably write a lot of stuff about what went wrong in the marriage, but it could start getting really personal. I'll eventually share what she did, but I'm still kinda processing all of it. Despite taking my name, having children with me, buying a house together and everything that comes with being a nuclear family, she felt a sense of identity loss that was so strong that she completely departed from her role entirely.

Sometimes I don't know if it hurts more to lose her, or lose the idea of her. The person she was 5 years ago is not who she is today, and the same goes with me. I just didn't think the changes would be in such drastically different directions. Maybe I went too far into the deep end with triathlon, but when she asked for my time and availability, I gave it to her. I tried over and over after each new revelation to accept her for being human and try to connect with her but she was so cold and closed off. She acknowledged my efforts, and gave me the classic "it's not you, it's me", which that definitely didn't help. Still just makes it feel like who I was wasn't good enough.

I'm glad that we are all old enough to be somewhat vulnerable on this forum, life can be a bitch and I'm glad I have some people in my life that are there for me. I'm still hurting but at least the dark thoughts and immediate traumatic response has started to scab over. The hard part now is going to be waiting for the attorneys/legal processes while I have to remain in the house because of the minors. It's awkward not setting her plate at dinner and sleeping in different rooms while I still have all these feelings for her. It's torture.

It may be hard at the moment but you must realize your self worth. What made you a good partner, what you do better than others, what you did for your family. There would be many people that would be happy to have you. It sounds like you did everything possible to make it work but you shouldn�t have to go that far. There�s nothing that could change the outcome but none of it is because of you. Every week you will feel a little bit better

Wow, actually remembered the PW on the second try...

Anyway, I was trying to check if this website was blocked by my work server earlier today. It wasn't.

Divorce can be difficult, specially when kids are involved. I know of many who have gone through the process, are going through it--amicably and not, might probably go for it eventually, and it is all hard in different levels. I truly feel, when I hear stories about it, when there are children involved, moreso if they are used to weaponize the process itself. It can get nasty.

As overused as it sounds, time will bring in healing. All I can say is stay strong and do what is best for the children. They will grow up understanding who put more into it and who didn't. It seems like you were carrying the relationship a significant amount of time. So just give yourself as much strength to get through the process, seek support, and once this is all over, seek happiness again.

I met my wife online in 2013, where we chatted back and forth every day for months getting to know each other. Just before the holiday season, she revealed to me that her roommate was actually her husband, and she was currently still married. That was hard to hear, and I felt like I had gotten punched in the gut. I was falling for this girl, and she was still married. We continued talking and she revealed that her husband was emotionally abusive and gaslighting her constantly, and she wanted out. I encouraged her to follow her heart, and she divorced him and moved back in with her mother in Tennessee. About 6 months later she decided to get her own apartment in Kentucky and moved up here.

She mostly stayed with me, and rarely at her own apartment. It was a fun relationship and we liked to go to shows and restaurants. I moved into her apartment, and later we would get engaged, buy a house, get married, and have two beautiful children. Our growing family and my improving career meant that we could afford a larger house, albeit slightly outside the city limits, which we purchased in 2021.

In 2018, I was having a bit of an existential crisis. I wasn't happy with myself. I had a family and successful career, but my weight was out of control and I had no hobbies to speak of. I was also rather introverted and only had a few friends I kept in touch with. So I bought a bike after my son was born and started training for a triathlon. 3 years later, I had lost 50lbs(22.6kg), qualified for USAT National Championships, Ironman 70.3 World Championship, and the Global Triathlon Final for Team USA. My wife approached me and told me she was feeling a similar identity crisis and that she was only a mother and nothing else. We argued because it seemed like she wanted me to stop, but ultimately she just wanted some time to herself where she could also exercise and meet new friends. Immediately, I adjusted my training schedule to ensure that she had whatever time she needed.

A few months later, the night before my first Ironman 70.3 event, during our nightly ritual where our son would come to our bed and want to sleep in it, I asked my wife to go and sleep in his bed with him so I could get some rest. I noticed she had left her phone, and my suspicions of her had grown lately such that she was spending all night out in the living room and hiding her phone screen around me. I discovered a long text thread with a guy named Scott where she had clearly been in an emotional affair with him, sending nudes and videos for several months. Our youngest daughter was only 9 months old when it had started.

I confronted her in the middle of the night and we argued and had a huge breach of trust. She had been having an affair for 4 months with this guy. She met him on some chat app and he lived across the country. With maybe 2 hours of sleep total, all night vomiting, and zero calories in my body, I completed my first Ironman event and eventually would earn a rolldown slot for World's. She and I agreed to go to marriage counseling.

Over the next 9 months, I would discover more nudes and more men that she was meeting and talking to on different apps. Last summer, we had agreed to divorce, even though I still loved her and wanted the marriage to work. One afternoon, she had a breakdown and told me that she didn't want the family to fall apart and she wanted to be evaluated by a psychologist and get her medicine changed. I pumped the brakes on the divorce proceedings and gave her my patience and another chance. She refused to go back to counseling.

Despite a somewhat strained relationship, we continued trying to rebuild things. We would hang out, go to restaurants, take care of the kids, have fairly regular sex, and do basic married couple things. Lurking underneath, there was still an element of distrust as I didn't know her new phone password and I knew she actively used Snapchat and Telegram. A few months ago, I asked her to recommit to me by writing new vows together. She said she wasn't in the headspace for that, and pressure to write them would simply turn her off of the concept. I told her I'd give her some time but that eventually it would expire.

About 10 days ago, I found her secret Reddit account (by guessing, actually) and confronted her about it. She had been posting nudes and flirting with dozens, if not hundreds of other men, for well over a year. Since only a few weeks after she had changed her medicine in 2022, even. She told me she kept asking her therapist why she wasn't happy, and that her feelings had changed. In a last ditch effort, I offered her a polyamorous marriage, which she inevitably declined after a day of consideration. So now we are in the process of waiting for each other's attorneys to start working out terms, while I remain in the house with her and the children due to abandonment clauses.

I was not a perfect husband, and I'm sure there are many things I could have done differently. I had a single photo sharing session with an ex-gf in 2018 when I was at my lowest point, and admitted that fact to her during our initial reconciliation. In my case, however, I had blocked this girl afterwards and had not had contact with her since. After my transgression, I felt so guilty that I wanted to die, and I had only wanted her and my own family in my life. Considering how often I was repeatedly cheated on in favor of random internet strangers though, I am having a hard time truly feeling like the end of this marriage was primarily because of my actions. It seems like she just changed, perhaps due to a loss of identity, Covid, and resentment towards me picking up a time consuming hobby. I suppose there were more red flags than I gave it credit for, and ending things may ultimately be for the best. Despite having to confront a lot of harsh truths with my therapist, I still grieve our relationship, as it lasted nearly 1/3rd of my life. I miss the person she used to be, and wish we could just go back and do things differently.

tl;dr: we both had identity crises and drifted in opposite directions, with her cheating on me repeatedly over a span of 2.5 years

Hey, that sounds like an awful time.
So sorry to hear it.

I was with my ex partner for 11 years and we had a young daughter together.
We separated in 2011 and it was painful at the time.

But dude, once the dust settles you in essence have a second chance at fulfilling happiness.

I truly hope your kids are ok. Being away from my little girl was so tough... But in ways I worked so much harder to be a better Dad (I was already a great Dad)
Spending time with your kids on your own is truly one of the most rewarding experiences I can reflect upon (Not that her Mum is nothing other that incredible)

So yeah, trust me when I say that one day you'll look back and take comfort and solace from what right now seems like a never ending shit storm.

Hang tough dude!!

Dont be hard on yourself. Marriage and monogamy isn't for everyone and from what you've written, it doesn't seem like your soon-to-be ex is really wife material. She's wild at heart. That's who she is, and it's better that you found out now than 10 or or more years down the line. You'll get through this. All the best.

I know hindsight is 20/20, but I hope you had found someone who wasn't previously married. At the end of the day, it's not your fault because even Joseph from the Bible had a right to divorce Mary for bearing a child that wasn't his own, which meant she could've been entertaining other men. Hopefully your wife becomes a better person whether if she is meant for you or not.

Sliding smoothly into complete insanity in the space of three posts. Good work team.

quote:

Originally posted by Zak McKracken (...) this has borderline written all over

Impossible to tell from your semi-conscious post if you actually meant BPD, but ziptnf's story did make me think of BPD and, definitely, of my own absurd experience with someone.

Don't know if I'm being more cynical than I should, and you may be drowning in bad advice already, but all I can say is I would keep my guard up around her now, which you may already be doing, but you seem like a person who will go a bit further than the extra mile for someone you have feelings for, so just.. Don't fall for something that seems too good to be true now.

quote:

Originally posted by Zak McKracken

Well, that's certainly an interesting take on this situation. As it turns out, reasonably amicable adults do indeed exist in this world, and as much as I am hurt by our failed marriage and impending divorce, I am not anticipating a custody trial. Not only because KY is a no-fault state, but that we have already discussed an uncontested divorce. We are expecting the most common outcome in KY, 50/50 custody, a term we have both already agreed to. My attorney can help fill in the gaps if something turns.

She changed. Not in a psycho bitch from Hell way, but in a "I don't think I want to be married with a nuclear family" way. I try to rationalize with myself what I could have done better to keep her interested in me and staying married, but I come up empty every time. Ultimately, it was her choice to do all of these things, and her choice to hide it and lie about it. I can envision literally the same thing happening to any other man, and quite frequently read the same story (with the same fallout) on divorce-support forums. You can't force someone to love you, and I'm still shattered that things turned out this way. My relationship with her is going to be one of shared love of our children, ensuring that she and I raise them effectively, if separately.

I have a long road to walk in healing. I don't know if the real healing will even start until the divorce is finalized and we have gotten new places. I just hope I can get through the days ahead without coming apart at the seams. I've been relying on my training and my career to hold my focus while I wait for the process to take its course.

You have a really good head on your shoulders, dude. And clearly a great heart, too.

quote:

Originally posted by Silky Johnson You have a really good head on your shoulders, dude. And clearly a great heart, too.

Thanks, Jenny. You single?

Wifed and fammed up!


I will say, just the kid factor alone is challenging for even the healthiest marriages.

I can see how having kids ends marriages - when couples forget to put the marriage first and/or the kid(s) become the centre of the home. More generally if couples dont have a game plan about how to raise their kids or their parenting goals aren't aligned.

You definitely have to be rowing in the same direction especially with kids. There is a lot more that you can/cannot do that can anger the other. Which still applies when the parents are split, so hope you can stay amicable and communicative. Especially when you get to the older years.

Heh, "rowing in the same direction." I like that!

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