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please help...or don't

i am starting this thread to spare my boyfriend, because i'm sure he is really sick of hearing about all this shit and he doesn't really give good advice anyway, he's too much of a "guy". lol

i am having a difficult time with something that i'm constantly second guessing myself about, and i would like some advice about my mother. it's kind of long, so if you don't feel like reading it, that's fine, but i would appreciate some serious advice for those who are willing to read this and form an opinion.

ok, so some background info to start..

i consider myself to be a very strong person, but at the same, time i'm very sensitive about certain issues...my mother being one of them. she can make or break my day without even saying a word. she has this control over me and it has really taken its tole on me. she's very negative and never agrees with any decisions i make or supports me. she's the type of parent who will say, "oh well that's great and all honey, but you should really do THIS instead, bla bla bla", and just completely crush my motivation about whatever it was i just told her, you know? i guess i really care about her acceptance and i really want to please her, but it seems like i never do. nothing is good enough for her....how cliche'.

she doesn't like my boyfriend or me living with him either, and i really think it's because she has no control over me right now and i'm not depending on her. i could be wrong though. i think she really does want what's best for me, but the only difference is that she is trying to push what she wants for me for her own selfish reasons..if that makes sense.

so here's my issue...

she recently wrote me this long email out of nowhere a couple weeks ago, and was lecturing me about school and all this shit that just really threw me off. she was saying stuff like she "can sense that i'm not into school like i was in the beginning", bla bla bla. but i know she just assumed that because when she would call me 3 and 4 times a night (that's literally folks, i'm not exaggerating) and would want to know every fucking detail about school and this and that, i would always dismiss the convo and get annoyed. so she was very wrong in her assumption. i actually think i've been kicking ass lately going to school and managing a full time job that i hate, and so on...so i got really pissed that she was second guessing me. i wrote her back and brought up a lot of stuff in a respectful way, but definitely got my point across. i just told her that i'm really sick of her dragging me down and putting in her 2 cents where it isn't needed nor wanted. and i told her that if she continues to not accept my decisions in life and my boyfriend, that she simply won't be a part of it. i told her that she is pushing me further and further away and smothering me. i was just really honest, i wasn't like, "oh fuck u leave me alone!" every point i brought up, i justified with examples. i thought it was a great letter and it was very clear in how i felt.

so of course she writes back and only writes, "ok."
lol

so we haven't spoken since, but my sister has called me twice and was like, "oh my god PLEASE call her, she's driving me nuts"

my mom has been calling her now every night asking, "so have you talked to jamie? what did she say? did she sign up for school? did she call your dad?"

i mean, am i the only one who thinks this is all ridiculous??! i dont like to write people off...especially family members, but i really think that my mother needs counseling. she will never admit this though and she will never change, so until then i refuse to sit there and be phony with her and be worried about what she'll think about every move i make. i'm 23 years old for crying out loud. do you guys think i'm being immature and selfish? i feel like i have really done all that i can do by spilling my guts in that email. she didn't even take it for what it's worth, she instantly got defensive and is mad.

she even emailed me the other day because i had to get my own car insurance (i was on her plan still) and she starts her email off with, "sorry to bug the shit out of you, but can you please let me know when you are"... bla bla bla i mean how immature is that!? she said that because in my email, i told her that it really annoys me that she calls me 3-4 times in a 2 hour period at night when i'm home trying to relax.


ok i guess that's enough for now. should i just give in and call her and sweep shit under the rug?

I've been having serious issues with my mom for quite some time and just recently I finally decided to call her and deal with it and move forward. I strongly suggest you do the same.

Sorry to hear you're goin thru that shit. Yeah, I would say to relieve some of the stress give her a call and ride it out from there.


Not sure what else to say...Best of luck.

It looks like you're at that point in your life when you're moving away from your family (meaning not being dependent on them) and doing stuff on your own. This usually freaks any parent out especially mothers. It's a tough thing for her to do but she has to accept that you're 23 and can run your own life and do it right. You have to explain to her that you are doing positive things with your life and that you will keep in touch with her but it's not necessary for her to contact you all the time and judge what you are doing/tell you what to do. For her to give you advice is one thing but from what you said it sounds more like she's telling what you should be doing with your life.

yea but since we stopped talking, i'm kind of happier. the only time i get stressed now is when my sister calls and tells me how obsessed my mom is with me.

u guys realize that i am like sacrificing my mental health by continuing to let her stomp all over me right?

As we get older, we start to realize just how humans our parents are. It's sort of a difficult thing to accept, but they start to become very much like regular people. It's easy to say that you realized this at an early age, but when you start to recognize habits you have formed that are remarkably parallel to those of each of your parents, that feeling sets in. You start to realize that the people you looked up to (deny it if you wish) for so long are absolutely human and absolutely weird, just like you.

I think you have already made up your decision about this situation, Slylee. You are looking for recognition in us to confirm what you hope to be true because, ultimately, you just want to get along with your mother, and you want to talk to her, despite how human she is.

Not that I'm implying that you are too snobbish to speak to her because of this, not at all - but there's weirdness once you start to look at your parents from a mature perspective.

That being said, you will be fine. You have a good, full-time job, you are going to College, and you have a boyfriend that, from all reports, loves you just as much as you love him. From anyone else's perspective, your life would seem very good.

So be honest with her - be open. She is your mother, and she obviously cares about you, so there is absolutely no justifiable reason to hold some sort of ground against her. Even if you think of it as though she's trying to "win" some sort of make-believe "battle of the wills" between you two - who really "wins" when two people are no longer equal? In the long run, you are beginning to realize she is just as human as you are, and vice-versa - and nothing shall ever change that.

sweeping the shit under the rug?

solve the problem, yes it takes time, yes it hurts but it helps in the long run. I hated my dad for years, finally one day last year, we sat down and solved it, took about 4 months to do so but my life is much easier with it dealt with. Some people go thru life never solving an issue, then regreting it when that person is gone.

Blood is thicker than water. When it comes down to it, your family will be there no matter what. Friends will come and go, but you're stuck with family. I had the same problems with my mother (and still do to some degree... I've been away from home for 14 years and she still tries to shove religion down my throat).

Get call display. Call her and talk to her, but live your life for yourself and live independently. She's not going to be there forever.

id call her and say 'you took what i typed in the email too seriously/negatively... its not that i didnt mean what i write, i just didnt mean it the way you thought i did...blablabla' (and if you're the kind of family who expresses love often, dont forget to finish with an "i still love you, nothing changed".

my two cents

This is a very bad situation. I am going through the same situation but not as intense though. Just ride it out.

quote:

Originally posted by Slylee yea but since we stopped talking, i'm kind of happier. the only time i get stressed now is when my sister calls and tells me how obsessed my mom is with me. u guys realize that i am like sacrificing my mental health by continuing to let her stomp all over me right?

You have to also consider that, although she might bug the living shit out of you, your mother loves you and worries about you. Those of us who don't have children of our own won't understand the care that our parents have for us until we are in the same situation. I really had little regard for my parents feelings for quite some time and, as I've matured, I've tried to look at situations from their perspective and how they are feeling about things.

Trust me Jamie, you'll feel better after you do it.

see this really sucks because there is like so much that i'm leaving out because i really dont have time to type it all out.


ok, here's an example. when my bf and i split up last year for a little while and i was miserable, i went out to this bar with my mom to try and clear my mind. we got all dressed up nice and we just wanted to get out of the house and go have some fun.

so we go out, and i got hit on by this fairly attracitve guy who seemed really cool. he looked a little older though, but i didn't ask how old he was. my mom thought he was really sexy. she wouldn't shut up about him and was asking me every 2 seconds if i was going to call him after that night. she was being really pushy about it.

long story short...the guy was 38! umm way too old for me, and i wasn't interested anyway. my boyfriend (well technically EX bf at the time) called me at work a couple days later and said he wanted to take me to dinner and tell me something. he told me he was stupid to break it off and that he really loved me and wanted to be with me, bla bla. i was thrilled and we decided to give it another go.

on my way home from that dinner w/ my boyfriend, my stomach was in knots because i knew my mom would get annoyed that i was getting back with him. of course i get home and she's being all quiet and weird and she's like, "so what happened?" and i was like, "he wants to get back with me."

her next question was, "well what about luis? are you going to call him?"

i just looked at her, an di was like, "NO MOM! i'm NOT" and she fucking rolls her eyes at me and like walks away.

yea, that's a real nice mother there. i swear i think SHE wanted to date him...it was weird.

I think it's called the "tuff love" shit or whatever.

Mothers in alot of way's are just incompatible when it comes to relationships.. I mean.. They know what they're doing pisses you off and they proceed to do the same thing.. I don't think they can change... And if they do change, it's only for a bit.. temporary. It's when your sister or someone else tells them "you know, your really pissing so and so off" and then there like "ok, let me change for a day or so and then go back to how I am". Is she different around her own friends than she is with you?

Being that in life, your supposed to get rid of the people who are dragging you down even if it is family, the only advice I can give is to really strain it to the point where relationship with eachother is limited.. Don't let it get to the point where you end up disrespecting her or there is that much strain on your relationship. Nobody want's to dislike their own family to that point.

She means best I'm sure and she really does care.. Just some people have a different way of showing affection (most mothers don't show it at all). In the end you have to kind of understand that she probably loves you the most, and worrys about you I guess. And you do know that or else you wouldn't really give a fuck =p.

But you do, and in the end you'll do what's right.

JaY

Ive had an ex who had a similar parents. Your mother needs couseling. The last email did not seem it was written by an adult. I say get your sister involved & suggest counseling. GROUP COUSELING. Theres nothing wrong with it either. Many many people go & many more should. Its a forum that will get alot of thing off each others chests. Plus it kinda has a proffesional mediator seeing things out of the box. Your mother needs to stop trying to control you & let go. She needs to accept you as an adult & trust your own decisions on your own life. So I suggest family counseling.

sounds exactly like what is happening to my girlfriend right now as she is finishing up her honors thesis and wants to take a year off after graduation before getting back to law school, et al.

freaking pisses her parents off that she is going without a plan in place. its funny - because not having a plan is not a good thing, but she has been so regimented in every aspect of her life through schooling for so long it might be good to let her chill for a year or whatever.

(thats MY opinion tho, and im just the boyfriend) so of course her mom especially is freaked out|

wow i guess today is advice day. not bad.

quote:

Originally posted by Slylee her next question was, "well what about luis? are you going to call him?" i just looked at her, an di was like, "NO MOM! i'm NOT" and she fucking rolls her eyes at me and like walks away. yea, that's a real nice mother there. i swear i think SHE wanted to date him...it was weird.

eh... chicks problems

quote:

Originally posted by Slylee yea but since we stopped talking, i'm kind of happier. the only time i get stressed now is when my sister calls and tells me how obsessed my mom is with me. u guys realize that i am like sacrificing my mental health by continuing to let her stomp all over me right?

Maybe your mom doesn't trust you because of your drug use in high school.

quote:

Originally posted by Halcyon+On+On As we get older, we start to realize just how humans our parents are. It's sort of a difficult thing to accept, but they start to become very much like regular people. It's easy to say that you realized this at an early age, but when you start to recognize habits you have formed that are remarkably parallel to those of each of your parents, that feeling sets in. You start to realize that the people you looked up to (deny it if you wish) for so long are absolutely human and absolutely weird, just like you.

you are 100% right...growing up i thought my mom was wonderwoman and i can't even begin to describe all the shit that i was exposed to when i was little with her. the sad truth is, that i have actually matured more than she has as an individual. i am really in touch with myself and my feelings, but i dont think she is. she's like in the denial phase. it's very strange how i have figured things out and how i am able to look at her now and think, "wow, she really is messed up." i'm not saying im perfect, i know i'm nowhere near it. i would love to go to a family therapist about this, but i can't afford $40 a week for my insurance copay. so you guys are my shrink.

If you were an artist you could really use this shit to your advantage =p.

Seriously, I think everyone thinks there is a certain way that parents are supposed to treat you.. Like in the end the one person your supposed to be able to go to is your mother or father.. But I guess they are human too and some of them are fucked up in the head just like us lol.

Most of them become psychologist.

JaY

Hi Slylee.
May i ask you a questions first?

Why does your mom dislike your boyfriend, did you ever ask her that?

And last, did you ever do something in the past, that made your mom care so much?

To me it sounds your mom cares allot about you, and there must be some reasons. Maybe some came recently, maybe she experienced something or witnessed something that made her afraid.

I think you should be very happy with that, at least someone cares about you, it does sound annoying to you, and i am sure if i had a mom and if she acted like yours i would be going crazy my self. But it's a good thing, i saw so many people getting fights with their parents, especially close friends of mine, they never ended up well..no school, went to jail some. I don't think that will be the case with you, but am just saying, having good parents is essenstial.

But you know in the end, when things won't go your way, your family will be your fallback. Try to keep that advantage. You are maybe a strong person, and very independent but there can always be something that breaks you so hard, that you need someone to bring you back. And even friends, boyfriends etc can fail you on that.

First things first, don't let your sister get involved in this, if she goes nutz, your mom mite have 2 problems then.

Talk it out with your moms, and prepare your self with some good arguments.

Also try to play her game, instead of she calling you, call her.
But don't make it to obvious, play it tricky, like..just "Hi mom 1 fast question, i wanne do this, what you think? ok thats it bye!"

something like that.

It is VERY IMPOTANT to make your parents feel important. So they know they didn't fail .


Talk it out, and try to convince her. Don't avoid, makes things worse IMO

quote:

Originally posted by placebo Maybe your mom doesn't trust you because of your drug use in high school.

yea that has been an issue too. i know for a fact that when my mom was my age, she partied...she said she did coke and acid and all that...she's a baby boomer.

i'm not saying that's ok, but my argument with that is...i'm in college (finally), and getting good grades, and i'm working and paying bills and i'm overall pretty fucking content with myself and boyfriend. so what if i love to go to south beach and do coke. i dont get wasted on alcohol, i don't smoke cigarettes...that's the only thing i do. that's my vice. it just happens to be illegal.



she drove my sister away too. my sister hated her when she was my age. she's older and married w/ a baby, so that has chilled out. my sister is in Indiana though, so she wouldn't be able to go to counseling.


my dad is like the mediator. he never takes sides. i respect him so much more as a parent. he's so chill and always just let me find my way. he gives me advice but doesn't force me to take it or judge me. my mom would always tell me that he didn't care about me as much as she does and that's why he was like that.

quote:

Originally posted by Slylee my dad is like the mediator. he never takes sides. i respect him so much more as a parent. he's so chill and always just let me find my way. he gives me advice but doesn't force me to take it or judge me. my mom would always tell me that he didn't care about me as much as she does and that's why he was like that.

Unless your Mom has a damn good reason she should never say that about your Dad. It seems like he's a great father & use him more to mediate the problem & maybe the 3 of you can go to family couseling. Does your Mom maybe have a sister(your aunt) that can help.? Its not always good to get the whole family involved but if she has a sis that shes close with she can probably help to chill your mom out.

quote:

Originally posted by Massive84 Hi Slylee. May i ask you a questions first? Why does your mom dislike your boyfriend, did you ever ask her that? And last, did you ever do something in the past, that made your mom care so much? To me it sounds your mom cares allot about you, and there must be some reasons. Maybe some came recently, maybe she experienced something or witnessed something that made her afraid. I think you should be very happy with that, at least someone cares about you, it does sound annoying to you, and i am sure if i had a mom and if she acted like yours i would be going crazy my self. But it's a good thing, i saw so many people getting fights with their parents, especially close friends of mine, they never ended up well..no school, went to jail some. I don't think that will be the case with you, but am just saying, having good parents is essenstial. But you know in the end, when things won't go your way, your family will be your fallback. Try to keep that advantage. You are maybe a strong person, and very independent but there can always be something that breaks you so hard, that you need someone to bring you back. And even friends, boyfriends etc can fail you on that. First things first, don't let your sister get involved in this, if she goes nutz, your mom mite have 2 problems then. Talk it out with your moms, and prepare your self with some good arguments. Also try to play her game, instead of she calling you, call her. But don't make it to obvious, play it tricky, like..just "Hi mom 1 fast question, i wanne do this, what you think? ok thats it bye!" something like that. It is VERY IMPOTANT to make your parents feel important. So they know they didn't fail . Talk it out, and try to convince her. Don't avoid, makes things worse IMO

i wont get into the details but i had a very fucked up childhood due to a manipulating, drug addicted physically abusive stepdad that my mother stayed with despite all that. i was exposed to a lot of very negative horrible things starting at age 5. i think she depended on me too much. i was 5 and felt like i needed to protect my mom. it was very weird.

about the boyfriend. i think she doesn't like him for me. she sees me with someone HER type. that's all that is about. and plus i have a bad habit of telling her too much info too, because we've been like that since the begining...hard to break old habits.

Re: please help...or don't

quote:

Originally posted by Slylee i am starting this thread to spare my boyfriend, because i'm sure he is really sick of hearing about all this shit and he doesn't really give good advice anyway, he's too much of a "guy". lol i am having a difficult time with something that i'm constantly second guessing myself about, and i would like some advice about my mother. it's kind of long, so if you don't feel like reading it, that's fine, but i would appreciate some serious advice for those who are willing to read this and form an opinion. ok, so some background info to start.. i consider myself to be a very strong person, but at the same, time i'm very sensitive about certain issues...my mother being one of them. she can make or break my day without even saying a word. she has this control over me and it has really taken its tole on me. she's very negative and never agrees with any decisions i make or supports me. she's the type of parent who will say, "oh well that's great and all honey, but you should really do THIS instead, bla bla bla", and just completely crush my motivation about whatever it was i just told her, you know? i guess i really care about her acceptance and i really want to please her, but it seems like i never do. nothing is good enough for her....how cliche'. she doesn't like my boyfriend or me living with him either, and i really think it's because she has no control over me right now and i'm not depending on her. i could be wrong though. i think she really does want what's best for me, but the only difference is that she is trying to push what she wants for me for her own selfish reasons..if that makes sense. so here's my issue... she recently wrote me this long email out of nowhere a couple weeks ago, and was lecturing me about school and all this shit that just really threw me off. she was saying stuff like she "can sense that i'm not into school like i was in the beginning", bla bla bla. but i know she just assumed that because when she would call me 3 and 4 times a night (that's literally folks, i'm not exaggerating) and would want to know every fucking detail about school and this and that, i would always dismiss the convo and get annoyed. so she was very wrong in her assumption. i actually think i've been kicking ass lately going to school and managing a full time job that i hate, and so on...so i got really pissed that she was second guessing me. i wrote her back and brought up a lot of stuff in a respectful way, but definitely got my point across. i just told her that i'm really sick of her dragging me down and putting in her 2 cents where it isn't needed nor wanted. and i told her that if she continues to not accept my decisions in life and my boyfriend, that she simply won't be a part of it. i told her that she is pushing me further and further away and smothering me. i was just really honest, i wasn't like, "oh fuck u leave me alone!" every point i brought up, i justified with examples. i thought it was a great letter and it was very clear in how i felt. so of course she writes back and only writes, "ok." lol so we haven't spoken since, but my sister has called me twice and was like, "oh my god PLEASE call her, she's driving me nuts" my mom has been calling her now every night asking, "so have you talked to jamie? what did she say? did she sign up for school? did she call your dad?" i mean, am i the only one who thinks this is all ridiculous??! i dont like to write people off...especially family members, but i really think that my mother needs counseling. she will never admit this though and she will never change, so until then i refuse to sit there and be phony with her and be worried about what she'll think about every move i make. i'm 23 years old for crying out loud. do you guys think i'm being immature and selfish? i feel like i have really done all that i can do by spilling my guts in that email. she didn't even take it for what it's worth, she instantly got defensive and is mad. she even emailed me the other day because i had to get my own car insurance (i was on her plan still) and she starts her email off with, "sorry to bug the shit out of you, but can you please let me know when you are"... bla bla bla i mean how immature is that!? she said that because in my email, i told her that it really annoys me that she calls me 3-4 times in a 2 hour period at night when i'm home trying to relax. ok i guess that's enough for now. should i just give in and call her and sweep shit under the rug?

Holy crap! Your mom needs a boyfriend!!!

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