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VI. How To Impress A Chick
Manners
� Always thank a woman who buys you something, no matter how trivial
� Never thank a woman for sex
� Always open the car door for the woman on the first few dates, then forget about it. Any chick who expects you to open her door is a bitch..dump her.
� Farting & burping. Don�t� ever do it: it�s a real chick turnoff. Hold it until it comes out slowly and silently. If you�re really gonna drop ass�go outside or walk at least 20 feet away first.
Impress Her With Your Culinary Skills. A sure fire way to impress a chick is to make her dinner. She will think you are the greatest and talk of you incessantly to her girlfriends.
Atmosphere.
Lighting. Place candles strategically throughout the house to provide romantic lighting. Chicks dig candles.
Music. Soft rock, jazz are best. I love Metallica and White Zombie, but when I�m mac�n on some babe I always go for the Cat Stevens, David Sanborn, or Simply Red. Always put the CD player on repeat. There is nothing worse than the music ending in the middle of a makeout session.
Food. Always prepare the meal beforehand. The more time you have to spend in the kitchen, the less love you�ll get. Go with a nice salad and something you can bake that will last a while if you flip it on warm. Steaks are bad..they�ll just burn if you�re successfully making out on the couch or preferably in the bedroom.
I also like to put out some brie and crackers and/or shrimp and cocktail sauce. She�ll think you�re classy and you can both sit on the couch and drink and eat something immediately. Chicks get grouchy if they�re really hungry, and its probably after 7:30 by now. By snacking, you also put something into your stomach so that you�re set for a couple of hours if you successfully negotiate the tour of the apartment/bed tackle discussed in the next section.
Warning: Try not to look like a player. If she thinks you do this on a regular basis, then you�re done. Tell her �I love to cook, but never get a chance.�
Tour of the Apartment/Bed Tackle
After you�ve settled everything in the kitchen and had two or three glasses of wine you can attempt the Tour Move. This is a simple move�you simply say �dinner won�t be ready for a little bit, let me give you a tour of my mammoth estate.� Once you get to your room you start a surprise makeout session followed by a sudden loss of balance which somehow results in both of you ending up falling on the bed. The rest is up to you, but before you try this move be sure of the following:
� CD player must be on repeat
� Food should be on warm or it will burn
� Oven timer should be off or it will undoubtedly go off right in the middle of your game.
lameeeee.
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| Originally posted by Trancey Ash OMG Reliving the Goa Mix experience! This has to be the best Essential Mix of all time! Why can;t DJs be creative like this anymore! Fookin amazin! |
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| Originally posted by Jah batman |
VII. Sex Tips
A wise man once said �Sex is like Pizza. Even when its bad, its still pretty good.�
Condom Use. The use of condoms is highly recommended. I know it�s a drag, but..well you know all that.
Where to Keep Them. I recommend that you keep condoms EVERYWHERE. And always keep at least 4 together. What the hell good is one condom�.you�re gonna need at least two for the night, and one for the morning and you�ll probably wreck at least one trying to get it on!
I highly recommend that you keep some on you at all times. I prefer to wear baggy pants with side pockets for storage. You might be saying �But Dude..what if she finds them in my pocket?� If a girl has her hand in your pocket, that means she�s already decided she wants you. That will just convince her even more. I also keep some in the car. This might be tough in warm climates, but I try to be mobile with my condoms. There is nothing worse than a surprise attack and not being prepared!
You should also put lots of condoms under your mattress. I separate them and place them strategically separated at approximately 4 �5 inches along the border. This makes for very easy access�.just lean, grab, peel and you�re golden. You don�t ever want to have to say �wait here a minute.�
Cunnilingus. My motto is: Eat It All & They�ll Always Come Back For More.
Some things to remember:
1. Take your time. Explore and find our what she likes then make a mental note and practice, practice, practice.
2. Keep going till she gives you the tap or finishes writhing on the bed angrily shouting your name or that of her favorite deity.
If she�s had an orgasm then she�s exhausted. Now is the time to have it your way. Climb aboard and take care of business, boy!
Contrary to popular belief, the tap on the shoulder doesn�t necessarily mean you are doing something wrong. Most times she is just worried about taking too long to come or else she can�t ordinarily come that way. If you get the tap then I suggest you ask her to climb on top of you�9 out of 10 times she�ll make herself come fairly quickly. Then you can do the roll and end up on top of her to finish up.
Toys in the Bedroom. I highly recommend keeping lots of them around for diversity. Fur handcuffs are ok, but they tend to scratch up your bed frame. Instead I recommend plain old straps. If you�re in a pinch, neck ties work well. Always remember to recycle. By this I mean that if you plan ahead carefully you can use the same equipment with different women without looking like a player. What you do is carefully open the packaging (razor blade is best) by putting a thin slit in back and across. That way you can put them back in the packaging and show your next girl like you just went out and bought them for her.
What To Do If She Won�t Have Intercourse But Will Give You A Blowjob. This is what I call the Bill Clinton rationale�some woman have a totally warped view of sex; they see intercourse as more intimate than oral sex! I know this is totally whacked, but you will run across it every once in a while. If a woman won�t have intercourse with you but will give you either a handjob or a blowjob then 90% of the time she has a boyfriend. The other 10% are just freaks. If she�s part of the 90% that has a boyfriend, then play it cool and enjoy it! She�ll be having sex with you within 1-2 weeks. If she is part of the other 10% that thinks that somehow she is saving herself for that special someone�dump her.
Math Equations vs. Dead Puppies. Don�t forget: Hold Out, Hold Out, Hold Out!
Sometimes the only way to keep from blowin your load is to think of something less exciting than the gorgeous chick on top of you. I prefer to do multiplication tables in my head, but some guys like to think of dead animals. Do whatever works for you and never enjoy yourself until she is finished!
Winter Bush: If she doesn�t trim then offer to do it for her. If she won�t let you�dump her.
Anal Sex Most women won�t, but they still fantasize about it. I�ve yet to meet a woman who didn�t like a little action in and around the area. This is an especially useful technique if you use a little wet finger action during cunnilingus. You can also try the old �It Slipped� routine, but this requires you bust out some KY and do a little prep work. Often times they won�t stop you. I do suggest you have a vibrator handy to finish her off�the reach around is a very tricky move in these instances.
The Dude Fake Orgasm. Drugs and alcohol can often cause your Johnson to have more stamina then you. When this happens, don�t be afraid to pull the old fake orgasm. Be sure to make lots of noise�shouting, �I�m gonna come,� works well, but I�d also suggest lifting them off the bed and slowly coming to a stop.
By faking one, you give yourself the option of giving up for good or else resting for a few minutes and looking like a SuperStud! Just don�t pull out, and keep kissing her neck etc. After a few minutes of collecting your energy you can start (very, very slowly) to give the impression that you are getting aroused again. No woman will ever stop you unless its like the 3rd or 4th time of the night. If they do..dump em!
ive gotta be getting close to philby!
VIII. How To Dump Chicks
If you have to think about it, end it. If you are trying to figure it out, or if you�re having a tough time etc., then end it. Hanging with chicks should be fun, not work. Life is too short to hang out with chicks that bring you down.
Do it on the phone if possible. I know this sounds lame, and it probably is, but it is a hellova lot easier. Don'� call them for two days, then they�ll call you once, then one day later they�ll call you again and give you the old �We Gotta Talk� line. We gotta talk really means we gotta breakup. Now its their idea, and you have an easy way out.
I also recommend you let her down easy by telling her �I really you, but I�m not in love with you, I know what love is and it�ll be best for both of us if we continue to look for it. Life is too short etc.� This works well, cause she has to agree with this�she�s a chick after all. Sometimes you will even get the old �Come over here one last time.� This is rare and spooky, but fun. Just make sure you tell someone where you are in case she�s really pissed off and chains you to the bed for a week.
How To Know If She�s Blowing You Off. The following are telltale signs:
� You�ve left two or more messages and she hasn�t returned a call.
� Her cell phone gets to the third ring. (everyone has Caller ID on their cell, she knows it�s you calling.)
� She says things like �I�m watching a movie/show, can I call you back?�
� She�s vague when you talk about what you did last night. She�ll say things like �I was out with a friend(s).�
� She cancels dates regularly with excuses like �I didn�t sleep well last night.� �I�m Tired,� or �I have to work late.�
lol
"residence."
"i will find him. i will track him down. with all my hatred"
"oooohah"
IX. How To Get Em Back Again
My advice is Don�t Bother. There are plenty of fish in the sea! If, however, you find it necessary to travel this road then it is quite easy.
How To Call The Girl You�ve Blown Off. If you run into her then this is easy. Just go where you think she might be and �happen to run into her.� This will give you an excuse to talk briefly and then call her. If you don�t run into her, then try calling her from a payphone. If you call from your home then she�ll see your name on Caller ID and won�t pick it up. Just call her from a strange number once every couple of days until she picks up. I recommend using different payphones though if you choose this route.
How Long Should You Wait. I recommend you never get back with a chick until you�ve been apart for at least a month or two. Otherwise you are crawling�screw that.
Play it cool and don�t talk about it. If you get back with her, the worst thing you can do is tell her you were dating someone else or didn�t want her etc.
How To Dump A Chick You�ve Dumped Before. This one is next to impossible. I recommend moving away.
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X. General Dating Tips
Juggling More Than One Chick You can successfully juggle up to five different chicks (more if they are in different cities) provided they are in different stages of the relationship. Some things to remember:
� Gated community apartments Rule!. You don�t want a girl to be able to easily drop by without calling.
� Always hide your car when you go out. Park it away from the bar or restaurant you�re in.
� Go to different parts of town. Never take women to the same place as your other bitches.
Also essential to juggling multiple women is the proper use of telephony:
� Only give them you cell phone number. Nothing worse than hanging out with a new chick and your home phone rings and you have to get it. Also, then they have to try you on your cell phone and you can tell if they�re getting jealous or not. If they are, you can call them from the men�s room.
� If phone rings when you are with another chick, simply hit end and say it was your sister and you don�t want to deal with her. You could take this to the next level if you want: an advanced technique is to hit end but then hold the phone up to your ear and have an imaginary conversation with your sister. Then you can return the call from the men�s room or later on.
� Throw away your answering machine and get an answering service. If you come home and a girl can see that you have a call, she will always say �aren�t you going to listen to your messages?� Then you�re busted if its one of your other ponies. What you can do is to play the message low and then quickly delete it and say �Oh yeah, I already called her back.� If the chicks says �who.� You say �Oh, it was some lady who wanted me to paint her house, but I told her I don�t do that anymore.�
� Keep your cell phone with you always, and never let a woman play with it. Never let it out of your sight either. Chicks are devious. Tell them that you use it a lot for work , so if they do happen to see a Caller ID name, you can play it off.
� Delete inbound and outbound calls regularly from both your cell phone and your home Caller ID. Ideally, you should put in a password on your cell phone to prevent use while you are out, sleeping etc. A friend of mine was busted by one of his chicks who scanned his calls received and then called the other chick. Then one of them invited him out to breakfast one day and they both showed up and laid into him. It was ugly..avoid this by taking proper precautionary measures.
What To Do If You Are Out With One Chick And Run Into Another. Don�t� panic! Play it cool and you�ll probably get away with it. Never ditch the chick you are with (chick #1) for Chick #2. Chick #2 is pissed off already, and if you go talk to her, then chick #1 is going to get pissed off also. Chick #1 is with you, so she�s probably cool with it. Just tell Chick #1 that Chick #2 is a rabbit boiler ex girlfriend of yours etc. If you play it cool, then you can even call Chick #2 the next day and patch it up with her too.
How To Repel The Early I Love You. If she says things like �I could really fall for you,� or �I think I�m falling in love with you,� then you are in a tough spot my friend! This is tough. I recommend blowing it off completely and changing the subject. You could also try something like �Whatever you do, don�t fall in love with me�I�m bad news.� This, however, only works if she is hinting at it..once she says it then you�re done.
Drunk Dialing. Never drunk dial an ex girlfriend, but feel free to try the booty call on girls you are currently sleeping with. Call her when you are with your boys out. Tell her where you are and ask if she�d mind if you picked up a bottle of wine and came over. More often than not, she�ll go for it.
How To Increase Your Desirability Using Email. Always get a girls email address. You can then drop them a quick �Hi� etc without looking like you are too interested.
Research Too often, guys make the mistake of being too cool to watch �chick shows.� Shows like Allie McBeal, Sex and the City, and Melrose Place can be excellent bullshit ammo. You can use this as filler when the conversation dies when you�re out hunting in the local bars. Try it: just mention last week�s episode of Funny Chick Show X and watch her face light up. They will find you fascinating in that you actually watch the show. You might also pick up some useful insights into chick behavior.
Everyone Wants What They Can�t Have. When in doubt, play it cool. Chicks will want you if they think they can�t have you. If they think you are too easy, too nice, too sweet..they�ll dump you.
Tough Questions & Answers:
How many women have you slept with? Always say � I don�t know, definitely less than 20, do you want an exact count?� Then she�ll back off and change the subject. Never tell her the truth.
Complimenting Women. Do it often, and pick the features they are less likely to have heard before. For example, if she has beautiful eyes then tell her she has an amazing smile. Describe the way it opens sensuously when she�s concentrating or about to speak etc. Never ever tell a cute girl that she�s cute! Tell her she�s beautiful and she�ll be putty in your hands.
Never Use Her Name. Always pick a pet name for a chick like Sweetie, or Sweet Tits, or Jelly Roll. If you use their first name then eventually you will slip and call them by the wrong name. For example if her name is Stacy, then eventually you will be calling her Stace. Unfortunately, one day you�ll accidentally call her Steph (short for Stephanie�one of your old babes). You can save this though, but only if you�re quick. Mumble and stutter quickly like �uhhh, steph, stuff is totally out of control. This stuff sucks.� Most times she�ll miss the fact that you just called her another name.
Long Term Relationships. Try to avoid them. They totally interfere in you ability to get lots of chicks. If however, you decide to do it, she must have two out of three of the following: Pretty, Funny, or Great Body. Don�t settle for less, and never ever get married unless she has all three.
Falling In Love. If you think you�re in love then you probably are. It happens about once every seven or eight years. It can totally fuck up your relationship though if you tell her, so always wait for her to say it first. If you�re not in love with her and she is leading you to believe she is by saying shit like, �Billy, I could really fall for you,� or �Spanky, I think I�m falling in love with you.� Then you need to tell her �Whatever you do, don�t fall in love with me babe�I�m trouble.� Then laugh it off. She�ll read so much shit into that one little line, that she won�t bring it up again for months.
Naked Pictures. This can be a fun hobby, but is one that requires some setup work on your part. Work your way into it by getting her drunk and then asking to take a breast only shot. Next roll, get a whole body shot. Soon you�ll be worked up to total body and face naked shots. Photo labs will process any naked picture that is not pornographic; meaning there can�t be any contact with the genitals. This means that they probably won�t give you back the prints of her having fun with the fruitbowl, but if she�s naked on a bed, they have to print them. In any case, they won�t arrest you for it.
Sex in the Workplace. Go ahead, shit where you eat. I do it all the time. However, if you do decide to get a little worktang then be sure its clandestine from the start. � When you ask her out you should say �I like you, and I know we shouldn�t date people we work with, but would you like to have a beer with me? We can keep it a secret so we don�t have to deal with anyone in the office.� This is key because you can sleep with the girl in the next cube also, and they won�t ever find out about each other.
Keeping Records. I am a firm believer in keeping some sort of record for posterity. You should always memorize their first and last names also. I know it�s a hassle, but it will come in handy later in life. When you hit the 100 chick benchmark, they all start running together in you memory. You should consider keeping an electronic journal. Use a small tape recorder to put it all down. It will be fun to listen to later in life. Always lock this up in a safe deposit box or label it something else like �Statistic Notes From College.�
this advice is whack
i think anyone who followed it would not end up with a bird.
XI. Is She A Freak?
How To Spot A Rabbit Boiler. For those of you who have never seen the movie Fatal Attraction, let me explain. Dude dumps chick, chick gets pissed, chick stalks dude, chick boils dude�s pet. Now, this could have been avoided, had the dude been observant enough to spot the telltale signs early on. Rabbit Boilers (AKA RB�s) are quite unpredictable, but tend to exhibit some or all of the following behavior. Watch out if she:
1. Tries to answer your cell phone when it rings
2. Checks your Hotmail account (Note: Never use your nickname as your password in any internet application)
3. Calls your home more than thrice without leaving a message.
4. Starts fights because she thinks you are looking at other chicks
5. Shows up at your place unexpectedly
6. Calls late at night or early in the morning just to say hi
7. Says cheesy egocentric things when angry such as �when you�re with me, I�m #1).
8. Finds stuff accidentally around the house and asks about them. For example, �Sweetie, I just found this matchbook with a phone number in it, whose is it?� or �I picked up your pants and these condoms fell out.� Etc
Its easy to spot a rabbit boiler once you have broken up with her. She�s the one who:
� Calls and hangs up
� Keys your car
� Breaks into your house and hides, all the while listening to your phone conversations.
� Leaves long melodramatic messages on your answering machine
� Emails you incessantly with dumbass chain emails captioned �this is really funny.�
What to do if you think you might have a rabbit boiler on your hands:
1. Dump her early on..it�ll only get worse.
2. Always check the Caller ID before you answer the phone
3. Don�t delete her number from your cell phone . If you delete her, then your Caller ID won�t have her name associated with it). I recommend that you rename her in your cell phone. Try calling them Do Not Answer #1, DNA #2 etc. That way you will avoid the drunk dial urge as well.
4. Don�t EVER drunk dial her�see #3 above.
5. Hide your car. Park it in a garage or several blocks away.
6. Keep your eye out for her car. If it�s in or around your driveway, keep driving past and hide out at a friends house.
7. Change your locks �even if you don�t know if she has a key!
8. Avoid your usual hangouts, especially on new dates.
9. Setup your email options/properties so that it responds automatically to her with �Sorry, but there is no such person at this address.�
Codependent Chicks. Codependent babes are everywhere. Be wary. A codependent girl is the one who is needy and jealous. She will also monopolize your time and you won�t have any dude friends left within 3 months. Often times they have family issues and/or sexual abuse in their past. Chicks who cry after sex often fall into this category. I know its hard, but get rid of this one.
Chicks Who Are the First to Suggest the Skinny Dip. Usually codependent, always dangerous�.proceed with caution. Could be a rabbit boiler in denial.
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| Originally posted by Trancey Ash Ok Im going to bed now peeps. Thanks for another fantastic night of Post Whring! This gets better every night! |
Shes such a psycho girl
She needs help!
hahaha yeah, it's pretty messed up LOL
..but funny how people even think of all those things
haha this advice rocks
How To Spot A Rabbit Boiler. For those of you who have never seen the movie Fatal Attraction, let me explain. Dude dumps chick, chick gets pissed, chick stalks dude, chick boils dude�s pet
ahahah
classic
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| Originally posted by Philby ahaha weak and you call yourself a post whore |
hey di dyou know this!
credit to jp who posted this on some paul van dyk board!
Secret info about Paul van Dyk
� Thread started on: Nov 19th, 2002, 9:20pm �
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Real name: Matthias Paul
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Philby ahaha weak and you call yourself a post whore |
kapow
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| Originally posted by escee dude hes been asleep for 3 hours at least! |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Jah hey di dyou know this! credit to jp who posted this on some paul van dyk board! Secret info about Paul van Dyk � Thread started on: Nov 19th, 2002, 9:20pm � -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Real name: Matthias Paul |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by escee whats everyone listening to? |
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