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-- TOTA Joke Thread
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What should a man do to make an impression on a woman?
- Give her compliments
- Respect her
- Hug her
- Protect her
- Take her to restaurants and buy her expensive wines
- Buy her whatever she wants
- Support her
- Listen to her
- Be with her all the time
- Go to the end of the world for her
What should a woman do to make an impression on a man?
- Get naked and cook him food
ok.. here is one of my favourite jokes:
Spermatozoons are floating and talking:
One is saying - "If I grow up, I'll be a spaceman"
Another is saying - "If I grow up, I'll be a lawyer".
Yet Another is saying - "If I grow up, I'll be a doctor".
At the very back a weak, half-dead spermatozoon suddenly says
"Guys, we've been deceived. We are in the ass !!!"
The other spermatozoons are like "o no..." and they die from frustration.
Weak, half-dead spermatazoon then says - "HA! That's how geniuses are born !".
I'm sorry for the bad translation, it was originally a Russian joke, which are always hard to translate properly.
A young boy walks down the street holding a football only to see a young girl (about his age) on the other side...
The boy holds up his football while yelling to the girl "See this? Only guys can own footballs..." And keeps walking.
The girl starts to run to her mother, crying, while telling her about what just happened.
The next day the boy was riding a bicycle down the same street. He saw the girl with a football... He started to yell to the girl once again, "See this? ((pointing to his bike)) only guys can have a bike!" and continues to walk on his own path. The girl once again went to her mother, crying, telling her about what just had happened. And just as the football, the next day the boy saw the same girl down the same street with a bicycle. At this point, the boy had enough. With furious anger, the young boy pulls his pants down and yells out, "See this!? Only guys have these!" And sure enough, the young girl had ran to her mother once again discussing the story. And then came the next day, when the boy was walking down the street. He saw the girl, but this time he kept walking... Until the girl had pulled down her skirt while yelling to the boy, "See this!? My mom told me as long as I have one of these ((pointing down to herself)), I can have as many of those ((pointing to the boy's croch)) as I want!
Shit... I wrote that out
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Provitex A young boy walks down the street holding a football only to see a young girl (about his age) on the other side... The boy holds up his football while yelling to the girl "See this? Only guys can own footballs..." And keeps walking. The girl starts to run to her mother, crying, while telling her about what just happened. The next day the boy was riding a bicycle down the same street. He saw the girl with a football... He started to yell to the girl once again, "See this? ((pointing to his bike)) only guys can have a bike!" and continues to walk on his own path. The girl once again went to her mother, crying, telling her about what just had happened. And just as the football, the next day the boy saw the same girl down the same street with a bicycle. At this point, the boy had enough. With furious anger, the young boy pulls his pants down and yells out, "See this!? Only guys have these!" And sure enough, the young girl had ran to her mother once again discussing the story. And then came the next day, when the boy was walking down the street. He saw the girl, but this time he kept walking... Until the girl had pulled down her skirt while yelling to the boy, "See this!? My mom told me as long as I have one of these ((pointing down to herself)), I can have as many of those ((pointing to the boy's croch)) as I want! Shit... I wrote that out |
| quote: |
| A young boy walks down the street holding a football only to see a young girl (about his age) on the other side... |
Some yucks for the day...
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
| quote: |
| Originally posted by itikia Who Died the Worst Death? Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died. First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself." St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside. Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me." St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man. Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..." |
A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test.
The engineer went in first and was asked, ''''What is 2+2?'''' The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, ''''4.''''
Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied, ''''4.0''''
Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, ''''What do you want it to be?'''
| quote: |
| Originally posted by itikia Who Died the Worst Death? Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died. First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself." St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside. Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me." St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man. Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..." |
there were two fish in a frying pan.
one fish says, "boy, is it hot in here".
the other one looks at him and says, "oh my god! a talking fish!".
Why did the jumbo jet crash?
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread
Why did the boy fall off the bike?
Cos he had no legs
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