TranceAddict Forums (www.tranceaddict.com/forums)
- Canada - Toronto & Southern Ont.
-- TOTA's Jokes Thread
Pages (2): « 1 [2]
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Durafei so.. what was in there ? |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by DJ El Kay Dee NONE OF YOUR FUCKIN BUSINESS!! |
An old woman in Moscow asks some high dude:
- "Excuse me, how can I find the Lenin's square ?"
The high dude:
- "Easy. Multiply whe width of Lenin by the height of Lenin"
Dr. Watson comes to Sherlock Holmes and asks him:
- "Sherlock, do you think that blondie over there does blowjobs?"
Holmes thinks for a minute and then answers:
- "Yes."
Watson then asks:
- "Holmes, how did you determine that??"
Holmes answers:
- "Easy, Watson. If she has a mouth, she does blowjobs"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson smoked some opium. Watson went to the washroom. He comes back and asks Holmes:
- "Holmes, you have a very weird washroom. When I open the door, the light automatically turns on. When I close the door, the light automatically turns off"
Holmes thinks about it for a minute:
- "Hm.. It appears to me Watson that you just shit in my refrigerator"
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Durafei Dr. Watson comes to Sherlock Holmes and asks him: - "Sherlock, do you think that blondie over there does blowjobs?" Holmes thinks for a minute and then answers: - "Yes." Watson then asks: - "Holmes, how did you determine that??" Holmes answers: - "Easy, Watson. If she has a mouth, she does blowjobs" |
This one is great...
For twenty years, a couple have been having sex with the lights out. The husband always insisted that the lights be out when they make love.
So one night the wife wonders why her husband insists for the lights to be turned off during intercourse. So one night, halfway through one of their fucking session, she turns on the lights. She then sees her husband using a dildo to satisfy her. Enraged she screams "You've been using a dildo for the past 20 fucking years?!"
The husband replies, "Look, honey, I'll explain the dildo, if you can explain the kids"
What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
SINGLE.
Lame I know, but it's the only one I can think of.
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Chiclet What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . SINGLE. Lame I know, but it's the only one I can think of. |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Endo This one is great... For twenty years, a couple have been having sex with the lights out. The husband always insisted that the lights be out when they make love. So one night the wife wonders why her husband insists for the lights to be turned off during intercourse. So one night, halfway through one of their fucking session, she turns on the lights. She then sees her husband using a dildo to satisfy her. Enraged she screams "You've been using a dildo for the past 20 fucking years?!" The husband replies, "Look, honey, I'll explain the dildo, if you can explain the kids" |
When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle: "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"
LOL..Eso I liked that one!
A Blonde and a Brunette are falling off a CN tower... which one will hit the ground first, and why?!
Brunette, because Blonde will stop to ask which way is down! 
Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers test?
A: Because she sat inthe backseat
Two men are walking down the street and approach a building
The one guy turns aroud and says:
-"I bet you that the girl whose screwing that man right in that appartment has her period"
the other man replies"
-"your bet is on"
the one guy goes upstairs and knocks on the door. the boyfriend opens the door,half naked.
"Yes may I help you?"
the guy then replies
-"ahh ya, my friend and I were wondering if your girlfriend has her period?"
the half naked man rubs his mouth and says"What makes you say that?"
I got these in my e-mail, ok some of these are not as funny but some are.....just thought I'd share 
STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
Not sure if this one's been posted before my time, but I figured we could use a superhero joke:
One day, Superman is flying through the city when he sees Wonder Woman lying out in the sun, totally naked.
He thinks to himself, "Hmm, I move faster than the eye can see, I bet I could do her so fast that she won't even see me!"
So he flies down, has his way, then flies off completely satisfied, all in a split second.
Wonder Woman opens her eyes, looks around, and says "what was that?"
The Invisible Man says "I don't know, but my ass hurts like hell!"
| quote: |
| Originally posted by TranceKitten WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other. HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth. 12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?" One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand." |
A lady shows up at a doctors office. The lady has a frog sitting
and stuck on top of her head.
The doctors asks the lady: "How can I help you today?".
The frog replies: "Something got stuck to my ass".
Some more.....
Redneck Computer Lingo
"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns.
"Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip.
"Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions.
"ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
"Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
"LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
"Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
"bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
"digital control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
"packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip
Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers.
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it.
Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear... 
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees."
| quote: |
| Originally posted by djeso When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?" "Tarzan check for bees." |
A blonde walks onto a TTC bus, she says to the bus driver "Take me to Dundas".
The bus driver doesn't say anything and points at the box where you put the money or ticket.
The blonde bends down and puts her mouth near the money slot and says "Take me to Dundas."
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of
course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to
go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy
drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A
warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw
the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken
antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband
replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I ! want to thank you. You
see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three
wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep
the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out,
"I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No
problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd
like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country
in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And
your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural
disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, ! my wish is to have sex with
your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we
both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but
what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the
husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other.
After about three hours, the genie rolled over and looked
directly into her eyes and asked
"How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in
genies?"
Potential & Reality
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag.
1st blonde: "What have you got in that bag?"
2nd blonde: "Chickens."
1st blonde: "If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?"
2nd blonde: "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can have BOTH of them!!"
1st blonde: Well, I think you've got three."
A state trooper pulls a car over for speeding. In the car is an old lady who is hard of hearing and her husband.
When the trooper asks the lady for her driver's license the lady responds, ?Heh, what did he say??
The old man speaks up as he says, ?HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE.?
A few minutes later the trooper comes back to the car and says, ?Ma'am I see you're from Florida.?
The old lady comments, ?Heh, what did he say??
The old man speaks up as he says, ?HE SEES YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA.'? The old lady nods her head, ?Yup.?
The trooper mutters, ?Boy, one time, I got the worst piece of ass I ever had in Florida.?
The old lady replies, ?Heh, what did he say??
The old man yells, ?HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!?
Powered by: vBulletin
Copyright © 2000-2021, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.