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-- Friday crap jokes please
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| quote: |
| Originally posted by DJ Mikey Mike A crap joke you say? One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the guv". But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks ... I want 20 decks one on top of the other". "20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?" "Yep, that's right, well ... sort of right ... this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers. "Fish?", queries Noah. "Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!" Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" "Check". "With 20 decks, one on top of the other?". "Check". "And you want it full of Carp?" "Check". "Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether ... "Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark". fankyoo  |
Liverpool Football Club are on the look out for some new talent and
send a scout to Iraq where they find a fantastic new player.
The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably
impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Man Utd with only 30 mins left.
The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 3 goals and wins the game for Liverpool.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her
about his first day in English football. "Hello mum, guess what - I played for half an hour today, scored 3 goals and won the game. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day... while you
were having a great time, your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the
first place"
Yesterday, a friend of mine was travelling on a Paris to London
flight. A man of Arabic appearance got off the plane and my friend noticed that he had left his bag behind. She grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the terminal and handed him back his bag.
He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag, which appeared to contain large bundles of money. He looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to.... with a word of advice for you: Stay away from Liverpool".
My friend was genuinely terrified, due to recent goings on. "Is there going to be an attack?" she asked him.
"No ... ", he whispered back......
"It's a shithole."
FHM joke but good none the less
a guy with no arms or legs is sunbathing on a beach when 3 fit birds go by and feeling sorry for him, approach the guy. the first asks him: have you ever been hugged before and he replies no, so she gives him a big hug.
the second asks: have you ever been kissed before, and again he replies no, so she gives him a full on no holds barred tongue twister.
the third asks: have you ever been fucked before, and again he replies no, so she says, well you are now cos the tides coming in.
| quote: |
| Originally posted by svens_bath FHM joke but good none the less a guy with no arms or legs is sunbathing on a beach when 3 fit birds go by and feeling sorry for him, approach the guy. the first asks him: have you ever been hugged before and he replies no, so she gives him a big hug. the second asks: have you ever been kissed before, and again he replies no, so she gives him a full on no holds barred tongue twister. the third asks: have you ever been fucked before, and again he replies no, so she says, well you are now cos the tides coming in. |
Not a joke, but fuckin funny.
^^ i don't get it, but i suppose it involves football
| quote: |
| Originally posted by DannyO Not a joke, but fuckin funny. |
Half man... Half frog...
Yes, it's the guy at the bottom left.
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Misty Kitty ^^ i don't get it, but i suppose it involves football |
ahhh its rung a bell, kinda.
i got a thursday joke.
did you hear about the man who got run down by a train?
he was chuffed to bits!
| quote: |
| Originally posted by tu_face never seen harry enfield? calm down calm down de doo doh dont de doh!? |
this is sick and you will hate me but i have to tell it. this stand up commedian told it the other night and it has stayed with me.
God says to Ken Bigley: "I have some good news and some band news for you. The good news is that I have found you a body for your head. The bad news is that it is Christopher Reeve's body"
Sorry 
What do u call a donkey with one leg?
A wonkey donkey.
What do u call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonkey donkey.
Waht do u call a donkey with one leg, one eye and makin' love?
A bonky winky wonky donkey.
What do u call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love while farting?
A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.
What do u call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting and wearing blue suede shoes?
A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.
What do u call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting wearing blue suede shoes and playing the piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.
What do u call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting wearing blue suede shoes, playing the piano and driving a bus?
Fucking talented
Heres some of the best from the Edinburgh fringe comedy festivals
> The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be
> sh*tting herself.
> Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
>
>
> My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
> was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me
> to sleep at night.
> Susan Murray at the Underbelly
>
>
> Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
> people were given pointed sticks?
> Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
>
>
> My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when
> I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
> Susan Murray at the Underbelly
>
>
> A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She
> said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All
> right, but we're not going to get much done."
> Jimmy Carr at the ICC
>
>
> I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
> Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
>
>
> My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help
> thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
> Jimmy Carr at the ICC
>
>
> You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
> because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
> flower?"
> And
> you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"
> Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
>
>
> The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
> punched someone in the face.
> Jeremy Limb, at the Trap
>
>
> Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
> Jimmy Carr
>
>
> I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought
> the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
> Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
>
>
> I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the
> Girl out of Cork ...
> Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco
>
>
> Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
> Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
> Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
>
>
> Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
> winner and a loser at the same time.
> Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms
>
>
> The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to
> arm bears.
> Chris Addison at the Pleasance
>
> My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most
> of our family holidays in Customs.
> Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon
>
> Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on
> its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself
> that they're enjoying it as well.
> Scott Capurro at the Pleasance
>
> A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
> The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go
> join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a
> plumber".
> Steven Alan Green at C34
>
> Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
> Brendon Burns at the Pleasance
>
> I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've
> already got one!"
> Norman Lovett at The Stand
>
> It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
> Chris Addison at the Pleasance
>
> I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not
> very good at it.
> Arnold Brown at The Stand
>
> If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a
> tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
> They're trained for that.
> Milton Jones at the Underbelly
>
> I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign:
> "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
> Arnold Brown at The Stand
| quote: |
| Originally posted by dj_mdma Heres some of the best from the Edinburgh fringe comedy festivals > My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I > was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me > to sleep at night. > Susan Murray at the Underbelly > > > Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind > people were given pointed sticks? > Adam Bloom at the Pleasance > > > My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when > I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t. > Susan Murray at the Underbelly > |
more facts than jokes, but this seems the best place...
International Marketing Flops - Actual Accounts
Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "Whensmoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for"tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."
Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.
Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.
In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."
What do you call a chav with 2 braincells?
Pregnant.
There was a little girl and her mother walking through
the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex
on a bench.
The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The
mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm..... they
are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother
"What are they are doing?" And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you
and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last
night, weren't you?"
Shocked, the Mother says, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa.
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Ste There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm..... they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother "What are they are doing?" And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes." The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, weren't you?" Shocked, the Mother says, "How do you know?" She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa. |
that's mint mate
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Ste There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm..... they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother "What are they are doing?" And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes." The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, weren't you?" Shocked, the Mother says, "How do you know?" She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa. |
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