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-- The Email forward thread.
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"I Miss Bill Clinton"
It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious.
From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he
misses
Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!
He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as
President. Number 1 - He played the sax. Number 2 - He smoked
weed. Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women. Even now? Look at
him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a
check from the government every month."
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's
shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the
nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in
hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I
don't know, I never had one."
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth
as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and
nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky
Panky between Bushes."
Scientists have suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestr ogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 50 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one-hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the men: talked excessively without making sense; became overly emotional; couldn't drive; failed to think rationally; argued over nothing; had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
No further testing was considered necessary
| quote: |
| Originally posted by nusty Scientists have suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestr ogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 50 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men: talked excessively without making sense; became overly emotional; couldn't drive; failed to think rationally; argued over nothing; had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologize when obviously wrong. |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by nusty Scientists have suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestr ogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 50 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men: talked excessively without making sense; became overly emotional; couldn't drive; failed to think rationally; argued over nothing; had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologize when obviously wrong. No further testing was considered necessary |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by VERTiG0 Fucking perfect. |
hahah
*To: My Loving Wife....** *
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in
his room, So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally Typed wrong e-mail address,
and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile...
somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home
from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check
her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and
friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his
mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which
read:
====================================================
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 9 June 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have
computers here now, and you are allowed to send
e-mails to your loved ones. I've just reached and have
been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward
to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful
as mine was.
Regards,
Your Loving Husband
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Cosmic Fur End of thread. Nothing can top this. |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by VERTiG0 Fucking perfect. |
An engineer dies and reports to hell.
Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and lifts, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and lifts, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there; send him up here."
Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Thanks to Miss Julia for posting this on myspace...
Dave it seems like you're the only one having fun in this thread! hahaha
| quote: |
| Originally posted by nusty An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and lifts, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies: "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and lifts, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there; send him up here." Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?" |
A woman walks into a Ferrari dealership.
She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams and walks over
to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a small fart escapes
her.
Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone
has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop
up right now.
But, as she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.
"Good day, Madam, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?
He answers, "Madam, I'm afraid I can't say....If you farted just
touching it
... you're going to shit yourself when you hear the price."
| quote: |
| Originally posted by *~LiSa-LoO~* Dave it seems like you're the only one having fun in this thread! hahaha |
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a
University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A
| quote: |
| Originally posted by nusty Scientists have suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestr ogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 50 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men: talked excessively without making sense; became overly emotional; couldn't drive; failed to think rationally; argued over nothing; had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologize when obviously wrong. No further testing was considered necessary |
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.
| quote: |
| Originally posted by nusty If just one person laughs or smiles because of these then I'm happy. It says there are over 500 views of this thread and only 37 posts or so... so I'm guessing that others must be reading at least some of this thread from time to time even if they aren't posting in it. Hell, I just re-read some of the older ones I had forgotten about and smiled. Even if it's just you laughing at me and how I'm the only one posting these emails, then that still works for me. Some of these are notably horrible as far as jokes go, but some seem to have some redeaming humour. Hope you're doing well lisa. |
I hope you're doing well too. Hopefully we'll get to meet up again eventually!
| quote: |
| Originally posted by nusty You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by *~LiSa-LoO~* Awwww you're so sweet Dave! I haven't heard from you forever. Well you definatly made me smile I hope you're doing well too. Hopefully we'll get to meet up again eventually! |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by nusty I'll back in NYC right following labourday weekend. So at least that puts me back a hell of a lot closer to Toronto than I've been in the last 8 months living between New Orleans and Los Angeles. Hopefully either you guys/gals can come down again for a weekend or I'll come up. I'm doing pretty well, lots of work right now but the crunch ends tomorrow at midnight, and after that its clear sailing for a few weeks. |
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it a gas station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up.
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.!
He sees him banging his head! against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the "R" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was 'celebrate'."
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.
> After his talk he offers question time.
> One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
> Stanley," responds the little boy.
> And what is your question, Stanley?"
> I have 4 questions:
> First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
> Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
> Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
> Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all
> Americans don't have health insurance?
> Just then, the bell rings for recess.
> George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
> When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's
> right: question time. Who has a question?"
> Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and
> asks him his name.
> Steve," he responds.
> And what is your question, Steve?"
> "Actually, I have 6 questions.
> First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
> Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
> Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
> Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all
> Americans don't have health insurance?
> Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
> And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"
LOL....oh wow, seriouslythis thread gets me through my day!!
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Frenchie LOL....oh wow, seriouslythis thread gets me through my day!! |
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