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Re: Re: Re: coping
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| Originally posted by Arbiter It appears she wants out of the marriage. She told you that she cheated on you (it may be true, or not) in the hopes that it would make you more amicable to terminating the marriage, and thus (perversely) she will feel less guilty about leaving. |
damn enferno!
i feel for you mate, be strong and keep moving forward. time will eventually heal everything so go slow and don't react right away. let yourself sort things out...and if anything you have the c0r to unleash any pent up anger you got inside...
hey i do it all the time hehe =)
This is definitely generalizing, but I would imagine it�s more true than not. But usually when women cheat, it�s due to the fact that they are feeling emotionally/mentally neglected. Men usually cheat for the sex part only. I think I�ve read that a few times in msn stories with psychologist interviews and stuff like that. Made sense to me.
i have a hard time comprehending that she cheated on you once and now she feels so guilty that she wants out.. If i cheated on my husband, i would feel beyond worthless, but i would still love him and i would be honest with him, spend the rest of my life making it up to him, and do whatever it takes to get his trust and respect back, not to mention trying to keep our marriage together for my kids sake and ours. So i could be terribly wrong (and i hope i am) but like moral touched on, there could be something else going on that she isn't telling you about. I'm a firm believer in forgivness and working problems out, but when it comes to cheating i draw the line when they cheat with no intention to stop. I hope you figure things out, and get some REAL answers, because nobody deserves to be jerked around like that and in regards to coping, when things started getting tough in my relationship, i started to try new things and start new routines that didn't involve the other party. Good luck-
options in a simple manner as I see it:
If she want to fix it you can forgive or breakup
if she doesnt not want to fix it there is nothing to do BUT cope.
After that its just the dirty work
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| Originally posted by Slylee This is definitely generalizing, but I would imagine it�s more true than not. But usually when women cheat, it�s due to the fact that they are feeling emotionally/mentally neglected. Men usually cheat for the sex part only. I think I�ve read that a few times in msn stories with psychologist interviews and stuff like that. Made sense to me. |
Wow, that really sucks. I too used to think that cheating was something you couldn't forgive, but it's really whether or not you think you could ever forgive. Once you get married and have children... breaking apart that life together is something really hard to do. You have to decide if you CAN forgive her.
Honestly you two need to sit down and have a chat [with a marriage counselor]. Figure out why she cheated in the first place. Was she feeling neglected, scared of how much her life has changed now that she's married, has a kid? Cheating isn't acceptable and I'm not saying any of those things are excuses but people do stupid things when they're terrified.
Recently we found out my uncle left my aunt after 23 years of marriage because he's been having an affair for the past 10 years of it! Imagine that! I don't know how you could live with yourself.
Best of luck.
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| Originally posted by squirrelly I don't know how you could live with yourself. |
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| Originally posted by Orbax You shouldnt if you get my drift. |
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| Originally posted by Slylee yea no shit. that brings a whole new meaning to "fucked up". and how can u not see the signs of an affair for ten years?? |
damn that's shitty.
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| Originally posted by squirrelly the affair chick. |
its called being a traitor or a spy. There are people who work places and talk to people and every day they are faking and then they turn around to betray the people the next day they shake hands with again and do it over and over.
I do not have the ability to be doing that to good people. People who trust you...thats a horrible horrible thing to tarnish as love and trust are some of the purer human instincts.
Men might bounce back but after 40 years old youre just cutting a woman who had identified herself as part of you for X years completely adrift and they are older, feeling worthless, hurt...
People doing the wrong thing for that long need a solid solid talking to. solid as in literally using something solid to talk to them.
Retarded posts removed (as well as posts quoting those retards)
Enferno, tough situation man, i feel for you having been through similar 10 years ago, there is no set time for 'moving on' it just happens, one day you wake up and its happened.
Having a Child complicates things no end, more so if you get to the divorce stage because of course you still have to see each other in regards to the child but whatever happens, always let the kid know that you love her and will do whatever you can for her no matter how the situation ends up.
cheer up enfernoooooooooooooooooooo
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| Originally posted by Wicked Neo Retarded posts removed (as well as posts quoting those retards) Enferno, tough situation man, i feel for you having been through similar 10 years ago, there is no set time for 'moving on' it just happens, one day you wake up and its happened. Having a Child complicates things no end, more so if you get to the divorce stage because of course you still have to see each other in regards to the child but whatever happens, always let the kid know that you love her and will do whatever you can for her no matter how the situation ends up. |
yeah apparently me saying divorcing older women is doubly underhanded because they have rougher lives was out of line.
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| Originally posted by Orbax yeah apparently me saying divorcing older women is doubly underhanded because they have rougher lives was out of line. |
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| Originally posted by RJT Your post wasn't deleted. |
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| Originally posted by Orbax oh...then me saying the guy needed a beating for deceiving her for 10 years was. theres gonna be rage in this thread from time to time! emotional subject! |
I can only speak about this from a point of view with no children. So my advice would most likely be negated. I can only say that I'm sorry you're going through this and hope that things get better over time no matter how things work out.
enferno: my deepest regards go out to you. most everyhing i would say has been said. the counseling, working it out etc. the ONE thing i have NOT seen said is, do NOT stay together because of your daughter. thats not saying you should or shouldnt dissolve the marriage. if that is whats best for everyone (yes that means it cant be good for just one of the 3) then so be it. just dont make the mistake of staying together for your child. its a stupid reason and just causes more problems in the future. i have seen it time and time again and it just ends up worse than if they divorced.
again my best regards in this horrible situation go out to you.
dude i have a few things i stand for.
one i would never rat on someone. I once took a 1 month suspension from school for being falsely accused but i would not point a finger at who done what.
#2 I would never ever ever disrespect myself by letting some chick fuck some other dude then me forgive her. I know god is all forgiving but i aint god, Im Eric. I have my flaws and pride is one of them. How do you move on? you take it day by day. you keep your mind and your body busy, and you improve yourself in every way you can think of. and when your ready you get back out there on the market and you fuck new chicks and meet new people and you get on with your life. Healing is a time for you to get stronger then you once were.
the problem for me is that I would break up with a girl no further questions asked ... but the wife and kid add so much more depth to that...
especially the kid. I think thats one of those questions where almost no one can help you, they can just support you.
i'm probably one of the most forgiving people i know, but i haven't been cheated on since high school (at least not that i know of lol). so who knows how i'd react now. i'm very forgiving, but more in a "don't cry over spilled milk" sort of way. and having a spouse cheat on you when you have kids is by no means "spilled milk".
i never sweat the small stuff and i can never stay mad about trivial every-day letdowns. but cheating is a hard blow to the heart and ego and trust and just about every crucial and fundamental aspect of a relationship.
i honestly don't think i could take someone back after finding out they cheated. i would forgive them, but not to the point of trying to work it out. hopefully that makes sense. i'm too sensitive when i'm in love and i always give 110% and being cheated on is like a kick in the face. it's worse than that. it fucking hurts. i would most likely end things on a very civil basis and might even remain friends after a while, but i don't know if i could work towards COMPLETELY putting it out of my mind, because, let's be honest, that's exactly what you'd need to do in order to move on with them. you can't bring it up later or let it sit and stir up resentment.
forgiving and forgetting go hand in hand. a lot of people seem to forget that.
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