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-- Dr. DAS' Free (Bad) Advice - Free!
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Originally posted by chinamon mine is. i dunno wtf is wrong with yours.

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Originally posted by Abercrombie Dear Dr. Das, Why are combs not shaped to our heads? AJ

Dear AJ,

Thank you for your letter.

The problem here is that you have a mishapen head, or so the liitle Taiwanese engineer that designed your combs thinks.

You see, our planet is populated my many people, of many races and creeds. Fortunately, our race and creed happens to run the fucking planet. Despite our total domination of the global economy, 'our' meaning white people, there are drawbacks. One of these drawbacks is that we tend to outsource our manufacturing to third-world loser countries because they will work for a tin of dog food to feed thier families. No self-respecting Western engineer would be caught dead designing combs on CAD, so that job was left to some foreigner. As a general rule, people from the orient have flat heads, much like the Germans, so while the comb doesn't match the contour of your head, it does offer some reason to that little yellow engineer not to kill himself and/or his family.

My suggestion is to repeatedly smash yourself over the head with a heavy, solid object until your comb rests in ful contact with your scalp. What's that you say? You're a big pussy and will likely bitch out once you realize how much it hurts? Have a friend do it for you, or stop wasting my time asking for advice you aren't going to follow.

Best,

Dr. DAS

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Originally posted by phlog Dr. DAS, can you suggest an ointment that might cure the ingrown hair problem i'm having with my pube-fro?

Dear phlog,

To be honest, with a retarded name like that, I'm really not compelled to help you...but I feel generous today.

What you need to do is go into Shoppers Drug Mart on King Street, just East of Spadina. In aisle 3 there are an assortment of creams that will help soften skin and reduce the inflammation of ingrown hairs. On the other side of that rack, in aisle 2, are beard and moustache trimmers. Buy one of those and join the 21st century by trimming your 'fro'. If you ever manage to take off your pants in front of a woman without being pepper-sprayed, this will pay off in spades. Don't hold your breath though.

Also, have you considered that you might just have herpes?

Thanks for your letter!

Dr. DAS

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Originally posted by Cribby What should I do about my itch?

Dear Cribby,

Thanks for your letter.

Unfortunately, you didn't specify what kind of itch you're talking about, so I have two general peices of advice.

The first it simple, scratch it.

The second may take a little extra work but will defenitely help in the long run. Stop banging skanks.

Best,

Dr. DAS

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Originally posted by EvilTree Why does it hurt when I pee?

Dear EvilTree,

As I recall, you are of Asian decsent, that's your problem right there.

You see, one of the rules of nature is that people from your part of the world have unnaturally small penises to begin with. In some cruel joke by that bitch Mother Nature, you do have a normal sized bladder. When you feel that little tingle telling you to find the nearest water-closet, your bladder is full. Where a normal person would just go and release the pressure, you, by virtue of your small penis, are experiencing trouble with your proportionally small urethra. As you squeeze to force the waste from your body, a 'log jam' develops creating friction and heat. My advice would be to take a really heavy object such as a cinder block or small child and tie it to the end of you dick. Stand up so the weight is off the ground to stretch your penis to a less jocular size.

If you are unusally well-hung for a slant-eye, whch is to say you pack a lower-end caucasian sized penis, that burning is probably an STI. Remember, misery loves company and everyone like suprises, so I would suggest you have unprotected sex with as many women, men, small children and assorted woodland creatures you can find to pass that buring sensation along. Once accomplished, stop banging skanks.

Thanks for your letter!

Dr. DAS

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Originally posted by eRRaTiK Dr. DAS, what's a good face and hand cream for men that needs hydration. Especially after this cold windy climate dries out the skin.

Dear eRRaTiK,

Thanks for writing in. This is a question I am frequently called on to answer.

There are a variety of creams, salves and butters available to alleviate the dryness precipitated by our Northern climate (see, I can use fancy words like hydration, too). Anything rich in aloe or lanolin would likely do the trick. However, only queers use moisturizer, which shouldn't be a problem here judging by the way you spelled your name, so you can skip all the hassle of deciding which product is best for you and go right to a more effective and cheaper alternative - bukakke.

Good Luck and don't open your eyes.

Dr. DAS

Dear Dr. DAS,

I finally stopped smoking after 7 years. It has been 4 days, but the urge to light a smoke is getting stronger and stronger. What should I do in order to stay on track with my quit smoking plan?

Sasha

P.S. How do I get rid of my love handles?

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Originally posted by SasH21 Dear Dr. DAS, I finally stopped smoking after 7 years. It has been 4 days, but the urge to light a smoke is getting stronger and stronger. What should I do in order to stay on track with my quit smoking plan? Sasha P.S. How do I get rid of my love handles?

Dear SasH21,

Through a little basic math I've deducted you started smoking at age 14. This is, on it's own, ridiculous.

The best way to quit smoking, and to deal with those pesky cravings, is to keep yourself occupied. I've had great success in the past with alcohol. I know what you're thinking, drinking just makes the pangs worse, right?

What you need to do is ingest VAST quantities of alcohol in a very short time frame and go to bed. What we're trying to do here is create such a vicious hangover that you are unable to open your eyes, let alone find and enjoy a cigarette. You may need to take some time away from work but don't worry, the cravings should pass in a few weeks - JUST KEEP DRINKING! If it seems your body is regecting the program, vomiting, chills, loose stool - that just means it's working. If you have access to some basic medical equipment, a grain alcohol IV will reduce the likelyhood of reflux and help keep the program on track in places where sipping off a 60oz is socially uncouth. If you find yourself craving alcohol instead of cigarettes, you're cured.

As an added bonus, the improvements in your skin tone, breath, odour and oral hygene (from the bacteria-killing everclear and absence of smoke), will cancel out the flab you've been too lazy to get rid of. You see, men are shallow creatures and will have sex with just about anyone as long as they can rationalize it to thier friends the next day.

Example:

Guy 1: Dude, I can't believe you went home with Shamu.
Guy 2: But she smelled sooooo good.

It paints a picture, no?

Also, have you considered putting down the fork?

Thanks for your letter,

Dr. DAS

Serious note: Curvy girls FTW

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Originally posted by Dr. DAS

Dear Doc,

This is the best advice I have received so far! My plan of action begins today with many attempts to consume as much alcohol as possible beginning at 6 pm at Sneaks and continuing on to the Hostel peferably till 3 am or later. I will keep you updated, and you could monitor my success!

Thank you!!!

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Originally posted by SasH21 Dear Doc, This is the best advice I have received so far! My plan of action begins today with many attempts to consume as much alcohol as possible beginning at 6 pm at Sneaks and continuing on to the Hostel peferably till 3 am or later. I will keep you updated, and you could monitor my success! Thank you!!!

Sasha,

I'm glad my advice was useful to you. If you are sober enough to get to the hostel, I'll contribute to the cause and buy you a drink.

Seriously though, congrats on quitting! (Positive support abounds)

Dear Dr. Das,



How do I become awesome?


Thank you


Yours Truly,


Jchung

Dear Dr das,
For the last eight years I have weighed the same weight(140), i stand 5,9. I have always wanted to gain more weight and i have tried many things such as weight gainer, 5 meals a day, and working out. I consider myself fit and healthy but i just can't break 150. My goal is weigh around 165-175. Is it just because i have an incredibly fast metabolism?

p.s. smoking weed makes me eat more just doesn't put on the pounds..

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Originally posted by Dr. DAS Sasha, I'm glad my advice was useful to you. If you are sober enough to get to the hostel, I'll contribute to the cause and buy you a drink. Seriously though, congrats on quitting! (Positive support abounds)

Haha, thanks it was long overdue. I am on a patch too, so even If I do have a smoke, I might have nicotine overdose. I am making you one of my confidantes to not let me have a cigarette no matter what happens...Even if it means tying or beating me up hahhahaa

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Originally posted by SasH21 Even if it means tying or beating me up hahhahaa

I like the sound of that !

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Originally posted by eRRaTiK I like the sound of that !

Hahaha..;-) ummm....yeah..I will pretend I didn't see that.

Btw, are you coming to Hostel tonight? Many TAs will be there, so it could be a good chance to introduce yourself in person and make some new Canadian friends lol

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Originally posted by SasH21 Btw, are you coming to Hostel tonight? Many TAs will be there, so it could be a good chance to introduce yourself in person and make some new Canadian friends lol

sounds fun. just sent you a pm.

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Originally posted by SasH21 Haha, thanks it was long overdue. I am on a patch too, so even If I do have a smoke, I might have nicotine overdose. I am making you one of my confidantes to not let me have a cigarette no matter what happens...Even if it means tying or beating me up hahhahaa

Trust me on this one - no joke - don't smoke on the patch...blacking out sucks. Are you using the 3mg?

I'll do my darndest to keep you in check, you'll just have to stay right here .

BTW, that's three bondage references in 3 days...dirty girl.

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Originally posted by Dr. DAS Trust me on this one - no joke - don't smoke on the patch...blacking out sucks. Are you using the 3mg? I'll do my darndest to keep you in check, you'll just have to stay right here . BTW, that's three bondage references in 3 days...dirty girl.

I am using nicoderm 14 mg...step 2 for people who smoke less than 10 smokes a day. I actually feel fine, even though I heard many people feel weak on it.

You are the one with the dirty mind lol hehe

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Originally posted by jchung52 Dear Dr. Das, How do I become awesome? Thank you Yours Truly, Jchung

Dear Jchung,

Awesomeness is not something you can become, it's something you are...or more accurately, are not.

However, if you're feeling motivated and want to try and break this paradigm, I would suggest adding 'Dr.' to your name. Don't worry if you haven't got the credentials to back it up, just tell everyone it's a PhD in something useless like psychology or one of the other black arts. All you need to do is start using pretentious and unnecessarily complex and obscure language in everyday conversation to make it believable.

Further to that, I would suggest 'blowing out' your hair and hitting the tanning booth daily. When coupled with a button-down shirt, some gaudy jewelry and lip gloss, you will be as close to awesome as possible. It helps to use 'street' language as well, especially if you grew up in the ghettoes of Richmond Hill.

You could also buy a Honda Civic and cover it with useless mods that have no effect on performance, like duct-taping a coffee can to your exhaust and slathering your fenders with stickers for performance products you don't have. Check the parking lot of your local Tim Hortons, most of the other people that have followed this advice hang out there listening to hip-hop on Friday and Saturday nights, and I'm sure they're all too eager to discuss thier awesomeness.

Good luck, and good ricing!

Best,

Dr. DAS

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Originally posted by Dr. DAS Dear Jchung, Awesomeness is not something you can become, it's something you are...or more accurately, are not. However, if you're feeling motivated and want to try and break this paradigm, I would suggest adding 'Dr.' to your name. Don't worry if you haven't got the credentials to back it up, just tell everyone it's a PhD in something useless like psychology or one of the other black arts. All you need to do is start using pretentious and unnecessarily complex and obscure language in everyday conversation to make it believable. Further to that, I would suggest 'blowing out' your hair and hitting the tanning booth daily. When coupled with a button-down shirt, some gaudy jewelry and lip gloss, you will be as close to awesome as possible. It helps to use 'street' language as well, especially if you grew up in the ghettoes of Richmond Hill. You could also buy a Honda Civic and cover it with useless mods that have no effect on performance, like duct-taping a coffee can to your exhaust and slathering your fenders with stickers for performance products you don't have. Check the parking lot of your local Tim Hortons, most of the other people that have followed this advice hang out there listening to hip-hop on Friday and Saturday nights, and I'm sure they're all too eager to discuss thier awesomeness. Good luck, and good ricing! Best, Dr. DAS

lol... thanks for the advice... let me get right to it... whats even better is i have friends who work at tanning salons... wooot discount tanning... even more awesome

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Originally posted by jsibilin Dear Dr das, For the last eight years I have weighed the same weight(140), i stand 5,9. I have always wanted to gain more weight and i have tried many things such as weight gainer, 5 meals a day, and working out. I consider myself fit and healthy but i just can't break 150. My goal is weigh around 165-175. Is it just because i have an incredibly fast metabolism? p.s. smoking weed makes me eat more just doesn't put on the pounds..

Dear jsibilin,

My name is in all caps for a reason, that reason being that I'm better than you. At everything. I digress...

So you want to be a fat bastard, eh? First things first, move to the USA...fatness just kind of happens there. Once you've found a place in the fast-food district of Kansas City, or whatever fat-ass district you've selected, you need to make some fat friends. Check the local bowling alley, there's usually a herd of them there, eager to talk to someone who isn't related to anyone in thier family bush.

The 5 meals you're eating, are any of the foods not deep-fried? That's a no-no. You need to be frying everything in oil that - and this is important - has never been changed. Start by frying up such delicacies as Snickers bars, sticks of butter or lard and slices of bread. Bread is especially effective because it will trap a lot of that grease and put it where you want it, on your ass.

You will also need to stop all forms of physical activity possible. Purchase a motor-scooter, or steal one from some other obese mother****** to avoid all that healty walking. Don't worry if fatty yells at you, he'll be too out of breath just standing up to chase your still-skinny ass. He may throw twinkies at you in protest, but this is actually your gain as they are delicious when deep-fried. Order food in at all times and drink lots of pop. To quote the great Dr. Nick Riviera, rub your foods on a piece of paper, if the paper turns clear it's your ticket to weight gain. Remember, bacon fat is great in coffee.

You'll be using a crane to take a shit in no time. Just watch that some other fat-jealous ectomorph doesn't try and steal the scooter you've rightfully stolen yourself.

In no time at all, you'll be just another amorphous blob blending into the crisco-stained tapestry that is the American public.

Good luck and good gravy!

Dr. DAS

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Originally posted by jchung52 wooot discount tanning... even more awesome

Being a cheap bitch is a good first step.

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Originally posted by Dr. DAS Dear jsibilin, My name is in all caps for a reason, that reason being that I'm better than you. At everything. I digress... So you want to be a fat bastard, eh? First things first, move to the USA...fatness just kind of happens there. Once you've found a place in the fast-food district of Kansas City, or whatever fat-ass district you've selected, you need to make some fat friends. Check the local bowling alley, there's usually a herd of them there, eager to talk to someone who isn't related to anyone in thier family bush. The 5 meals you're eating, are any of the foods not deep-fried? That's a no-no. You need to be frying everything in oil that - and this is important - has never been changed. Start by frying up such delicacies as Snickers bars, sticks of butter or lard and slices of bread. Bread is especially effective because it will trap a lot of that grease and put it where you want it, on your ass. You will also need to stop all forms of physical activity possible. Purchase a motor-scooter, or steal one from some other obese mother****** to avoid all that healty walking. Don't worry if fatty yells at you, he'll be too out of breath just standing up to chase your still-skinny ass. He may throw twinkies at you in protest, but this is actually your gain as they are delicious when deep-fried. Order food in at all times and drink lots of pop. To quote the great Dr. Nick Riviera, rub your foods on a piece of paper, if the paper turns clear it's your ticket to weight gain. Remember, bacon fat is great in coffee. You'll be using a crane to take a shit in no time. Just watch that some other fat-jealous ectomorph doesn't try and steal the scooter you've rightfully stolen yourself. In no time at all, you'll be just another amorphous blob blending into the crisco-stained tapestry that is the American public. Good luck and good gravy! Dr. DAS

thanks for the advice! I would only move to the states if bill clinton was still president. btw sorry for the smallcase, u are better then me! ... i love the quote by Dr. Nick Riviera ..thats totally from the simpsons episode where homer goes on a eating binge. The only thing i deepfry is shrimp! yummy,, i actually have a craving for poutine from harveys! it always gets my heart pounding !

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Originally posted by jsibilin poutine from harveys! it always gets my heart pounding !

That's cholesterol's way of telling you it's working.

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Originally posted by eRRaTiK sounds fun. just sent you a pm.

We'll be there too so you will recognize us at 7am when we get on that bus.....

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