what would YOU do...need some serious advice

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-- what would YOU do...need some serious advice
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Posted by capo tutti di on Mar-07-2008 05:34:

quote:
Originally posted by TO guy
Man, this sucks ass, but you had to have known this _could_ have happened. That being said, this is so not your fault. You tell him what happened, he's going to find out eventually anyhow, and then move on. If he's in too deep, maybe try to be the good friend that brings him back.

Definately a tough sitch to be in though.

I agree

also if they call the police, they have to indicate who he is with, how they now etc...likely if a formal statement isn't made, a phone call or notes would have been taken.

You could have saw this coming, but what do you do? you take a shot...you love your friend, and you were mislead.

Posted by Irishaddict on Mar-07-2008 05:35:

quote:
Originally posted by Gypsy
their behaviour of lying to their kid. they're suppose to inspire confidence, honesty and responsibility in their kid, and it's not very believable if they can't even own up to their own involvement in the situation.

Yes - in a perfect world (that doesn't exist).

Someone as far gone as schizophrenia, dropping out of school and going missing - is beyond the boundaries of conventional help. Put them back in the boundaries, and then yes, I would agree with you.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Posted by Irishaddict on Mar-07-2008 05:37:

Anyways, I'm sure you'll get a lot more self-righteousness in this thread so I will just say this:

Do you want him to get better?

If so, please don't make this about you. Please keep the focus on him. The truth has a way of finding itself in situations like this anyways. You don't need to exploit the process in the name of self-interest. I'm sorry this happened, but I'm just asking you to look at the bigger picture. Good luck.

Posted by I_Am_Vince on Mar-07-2008 05:38:

quote:
Originally posted by Irishaddict
Desperate times call for desperate measures.

BIGGGGGG +11111

Posted by capo tutti di on Mar-07-2008 05:39:

quote:
Originally posted by 1dawoman
agreed. in the big picture....telling him the truth right now isn't going help solve his problems....it'll only add to them.

The problem ultimately is addiction. So get him in rehab, obviously trigged the addiction so he needs counseling, perhaps the mental illness has always been there.

Whether he likes the truth or not he's likely in custody of some sort and is going to have to face the facts whether they add to the problem or not...sugarcoating a problem with a synthetic truth(lie) is like making things better through taking a drug. no?

Posted by Gypsy on Mar-07-2008 05:48:

quote:
Originally posted by Irishaddict
Yes - in a perfect world (that doesn't exist).

Someone as far gone as schizophrenia, dropping out of school and going missing - is beyond the boundaries of conventional help. Put them back in the boundaries, and then yes, I would agree with you.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

i don't think it's fair to say that this option would only exist in a perfect world. i'm aware there is no such thing. however that doesn't mean that we should write off its merit in the one were in. imagine what could be accomplished by not making excuses for dishonesty based on the world's apparent imperfection.

Posted by Porky on Mar-07-2008 05:51:

Re: what would YOU do...need some serious advice

quote:
Originally posted by evil_cookie
THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO. But the family is like begging me not to.

If your friend's mom has the balls to call the cops to protect her son, she should take full responsibility instead of letting you take all the blame.

first she lied to you, then she's asking you to lie again? it's not only your friend who is fucked up.

Posted by Vivid Boy on Mar-07-2008 05:54:

Re: what would YOU do...need some serious advice

quote:
Originally posted by evil_cookie
I�m in need of some serious advice, and I can�t seem to make up my mind�and the people I�ve talked to all say different things. So any sensible response/advice here would be appreciated�

Yesterday a brother of a friend of mine who I have not talked to in five years shows up at my door saying his brother has been missing for over a week (whom I also have no talked to for at least a year). It turns out he�s gotten himself kicked out of university and he�s caught up in drugs and shit. Anyway, half way through our talk their mom comes in�and immediately starts crying asking me to tell her where her son is, or if I know anyone that might. Turns out he ran away because of a court medical order � due to the excess drugs he�s been taking, he has developed a growing case of schizophrenia. So obviously I�m sad to hear this, but I have no clue where this guy is, or who his friends are for that fact. Truth be told, his drug use was the reason I disconnected myself from him. So I tell them that I would call if I heard anything.

So as my luck would have it�this afternoon he comes on msn, messages me saying that he is around my house and he�d like to see me. So I immediately call his brother and say look he�s at this place, what do you want me to do? He says: �meet up with him, we�re going to call the cops� at which point I say, no fuck that, that is retarded, that would do more bad than good, I figure he just needs his family. Anyway, so I tell him to meet me at my restaurant since I was heading over there, and his mom calls me saying �please keep him there I�m on my way with my husband and my son, I promise I wont call the police�. So I take her word, and we chill at my restaurant for an hour or so waiting for his family (of course he does not suspect a thing)�and I�m getting nervous, cause I�m like where the fuck are they�

Then guess what, I see two fucking cop cars pull up outside (his back was turned so he couldn�t see) and his mother with them. Then his mother runs to the other side of the street with the husband and brother and hides�

Cops come in, ask him for his name, tell him that he�s under arrest and that they have a warrant for his arrest, he resists a little, they throw him to the ground, knee him a couple of times, push him against the wall till they got the cuffs on him�and I�m just standing there fucking speechless, I mean what do I say? And my customers are all standing still as well�anyway not having said a word to him the whole time since the cops come, I�m just starring at him, and as they�re taking him he just says �thanks for the food�. And the cops take him.

After they leave�the family comes in, starts thanking me and shit, I�m like wtf guys, you said no cops, then they go on to explain that they had no option blah blah. Then I�m like okay great, but now he�s going to think I called the fucking cops, cause nobody else knew he was at my restaurant beside me. So the mom cries a little bit, so does the dad, and they�re like, �we can�t let him know that we had anything to do with this, he will hate us forever��so we have to play it out as pure happenstance � you two were sitting here, there was a warrant for him, and the cops just came�. I�m like yeah great, that makes a lot of sense, cops randomly fucking come to north York to my place looking for him�yeah�

So the family�s suggestion is that we act as if we never talked, he was just there, he got arrested for a warrant then I called an informed them�

But I don�t really like this fucking plan, I want to tell him, look man, your parents called the cops on you, that�s it. Your mom came crying, I felt bad for her, so I wanted her to see you, then she showed up with cops, I had no idea about all the fucked up shit that was going on in any of your lives.

THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO. But the family is like begging me not to.
If he�s mentally unstable, and he is, and the family denies calling the cops, he�s going to rightfully assume I was out to get him.

What a fucking day�

What do you guys think? =/

sounds like the family is a little mentally unstable. they got no balls fuck em and do whats right for you not whats right for them. they didnt give a fuck about your wishes you shouldnt give a fuck about theirs

Posted by Yohan on Mar-07-2008 05:56:

quote:
Originally posted by Gypsy
i don't think it's fair to say that this option would only exist in a perfect world. i'm aware there is no such thing. however that doesn't mean that we should write off its merit in the one were in. imagine what could be accomplished by not making excuses for dishonesty based on the worlds apparent imprefection.

+1

How do you know that the truth being found out later is going to make the situation even more worse?

We know this dude has some mental problems, but we don't know the full extent, as in whether this dude has capability to make rational choices or not.

I may live in an imperfect world, but I don't run away from consequences of my actions, nor do I screw over other people without their consent, no matter how good my intentions are.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, or something like that.

Posted by Gypsy on Mar-07-2008 05:59:

quote:
Originally posted by Irishaddict
Anyways, I'm sure you'll get a lot more self-righteousness in this thread

what you call self-righteous, i call responsible.

but whatever. to each their own.

Posted by Porky on Mar-07-2008 05:59:

one more point.

i agree with the mother for arresting her son. but she should have some integrity and own up to what she did instead of concocting some fucked up excuse and avoiding full responsibility.

Posted by Vivid Boy on Mar-07-2008 06:02:

you can only be you. if your heart says come clean to this guy and tell him the truth then do just that.

tho this story sounds a little fishy. i dont know why the family would have came to you so quickly...

Posted by Porky on Mar-07-2008 06:02:

quote:
Originally posted by Irishaddict
Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Desperate times demand integrity and responsibility. not desperate measures such as lying. his mom is basically somewhat spineless.

if i was his parents i'd do the same, call the cops, but i would also take full responsibility for doing so, instead of trying to blame some friend of his.

Posted by Vivid Boy on Mar-07-2008 06:02:

oh one more thing, just a question. How much do you tip after something like that?

Posted by Shade on Mar-07-2008 06:04:

If you must confront someone, at the worst, confront the family (guilt trip etc), not him directly, and give them time for that too.

This isn't about you, it's about helping him get stable. If he can't trust his family (more than one person), he won't trust the world.

If it's one person he can't trust, and that person happens to be you... it sucks, but he's better off for it.

Posted by Yohan on Mar-07-2008 06:05:

Michael, was your restaurant open at this time? Any patrons?

Cops busting into your restaurant does no good for your PR

Posted by slingshot on Mar-07-2008 06:05:

reading between the lines would tell me that the family might be a bit crazy and may have even contributed significantly to these problems in the first place....

there is usually a high level of consistency in the way in which people handle/deal with things throughout the course of their life.

tough situation....you probably know the family and the individual a lot better and i'm sure there is more to the story that is impossible to convey with what you've written....I would maybe attempt to talk to the family first and than base my reaction on my judgment of what they've told me. there is ALWAYS more to the story than what meets the eye....if it's something that really bothers you that you feel you need to "right" or come to some sort of peace of mind....dig a bit deeper into the situation....albeit as politely and non-intrusively as you can.

Posted by Ania_xox on Mar-07-2008 06:06:

quote:
Originally posted by Irishaddict
Lol, everyone is so bloody jaded. All I'm asking is that you look beyond your immediate self in this situation.

I'm totally with Laura
If (hopefully when) things get cleared up and he returns to a relatively healthy mental state THEN let him know.
His family sounds so selfish and useless in this situation... but I'm such a firm believer that NO ONE but the members of a family can ever understand its interior dynamics... if they think this was necessary, then it probably was.

It's a hard thing to do... but I definitely think that you need to let him trust his family right now and bite your tongue for a while. Telling him the truth will help no one but you. And to me you sound pretty mentally stable... do the unselfish thing darlin.
The truth can come out later on down the road, when he can handle it.

Posted by Porky on Mar-07-2008 06:06:

quote:
Originally posted by Irishaddict
Even if they were perfectly honest with him it would serve no purpose as the issues are internalized in him. He needs the help first, worry about picking up the pieces when at least everyone is back on the same (mental) playing field.

His mother should set an example. Being perfectly honest with her son would be a great start. Maybe there's a reason why her son did drugs in the first place, b/c his mother is not the epitome of integrity.

Posted by evil_cookie on Mar-07-2008 06:07:

Thank you for the feedback guys, much appreciated.

Irishaddict: I agree with you on everything you have said, but I don�t think my interests in this case are purely self-interested. By that I mean, after talking to the parents, they made it absolutely one hundred percent clear that they will never consider telling the truth. This bother me a little yes, but not as much as the fact that they are in the process of trying to keep him in prison as long as they can, cause they think rehab is a waste of time and he needs to be isolated from the public. Not only that, they want to force immediate medicinal drugs on him. Granted my familiarity with schizophrenia is limited, but I do not like the idea of the parents playing puppet master here, pulling the strings behind the curtains while others take the responsibility - and responsibility not just in the sense of �justice�, but in the sense that god forbid something worse happened to him, and I didn�t say a word...
seriously that would stay with me.

I don't need FUTURE burdens on me, I can turn the other cheek here, but this family has proven to be incompetent, and it's almost inevitable that the situation will escalade and I�ll remain speechless�

Posted by Vivid Boy on Mar-07-2008 06:09:

if it were my parents theyd be right in there with the cops throwing knees and punches knocking stability back into me. billy clubs, mace, K-9 unit and all. my parents would be getting arressted with me yelling "ITS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!!" as theyre gettin throwin into a cop car.

Posted by I_Am_Vince on Mar-07-2008 06:10:

quote:
Originally posted by Yohan
Michael, was your restaurant open at this time? Any patrons?

Cops busting into your restaurant does no good for your PR

It actually makes me wanna go to the restaurant :P What kind of food it is?

(sorry a bit off topic) :S

Posted by Yohan on Mar-07-2008 06:10:

quote:
Originally posted by evil_cookie
Thank you for the feedback guys, much appreciated.

Irishaddict: I agree with you on everything you have said, but I don�t think my interests in this case are purely self-interested. By that I mean, after talking to the parents, they made it absolutely one hundred percent clear that they will never consider telling the truth. This bother me a little yes, but not as much as the fact that they are in the process of trying to keep him in prison as long as they can, cause they think rehab is a waste of time and he needs to be isolated from the public. Not only that, they want to force immediate medicinal drugs on him. Granted my familiarity with schizophrenia is limited, but I do not like the idea of the parents playing puppet master here, pulling the strings behind the curtains while others take the responsibility - and responsibility not just in the sense of �justice�, but in the sense that god forbid something worse happened to him, and I didn�t say a word...
seriously that would stay with me.

what a bunch of dishonourable fucks

Posted by Vivid Boy on Mar-07-2008 06:12:

Posted by Ania_xox on Mar-07-2008 06:12:

quote:
Originally posted by Invasionmix
It actually makes me wanna go to the restaurant :P What kind of food is it?

(sorry a bit off topic) :S

LOL
I was thinking that too b/c I'm going to be in the general area next week ... and cuz I'm a tank lol

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