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-- do you write? (as a hobby)
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are any of you into screenplay writing or have experience with it?

Nope. I will critique the writing and story of your screenplay if you have one, though.

I think you do well in terms of sentiment. Your prose varies sentence structures nicely, which is something that I don't think can be learned effectively. It has a fluid feel to it, drawing the reader in. My biggest criticism of literature (and Hemingway in particular) is that some authors feel the need to use one type of sentence ad infinitum. The variation is important, and you seem to have that down.

I do think your awareness of an audience could potentially become constricting to your prose, so I agree with your teacher there. By second-guessing word choice or adding in things like "I rant again, but" it shows that the way you perceive your audience (and your evident need to apologize for your subject), makes you a bit uneasy about writing truly uninhibited.

As for JBJ's critique, I agree that there may be a word choice issue or two - that's what drafting is for, after all. But the transitive verb seemed clear ("we" is the direct object, and "adventure" is the indirect, no?).

quote:

Originally posted by Lebezniatnikov As for JBJ's critique, I agree that there may be a word choice issue or two - that's what drafting is for, after all. But the transitive verb seemed clear ("we" is the direct object, and "adventure" is the indirect, no?).

"We" is the subject. "Ourselves" would probably be the expected direct object, but like I said, the meaning is clear enough so the minor grammar slip is passable.

quote:

Originally posted by MrJiveBoJingles Nope. I will critique the writing and story of your screenplay if you have one, though.

yea right. i'm really insecure about it

quote:

Originally posted by MrJiveBoJingles "We" is the subject. "Ourselves" would probably be the expected direct object, but like I said, the meaning is clear enough so the minor grammar slip is passable.

Ah, good call. There's an implied omission there.

quote:

Originally posted by Slylee yea right. i'm really insecure about it

Do you have specific things you think you need to work on, or are you just kind of vaguely insecure? Critique might help with the former.

well it's mostly with the scene descriptions. i dunno i just feel like an amateur, which i am lol

it's based on real events that happened during wmc years ago. lots of random shit happening with different people and drugs and partying, etc...

i'm having a hard time delevoping the plot. can't decide if i want everythig to cleverly fall together at the end or if it should be more about 1 character in particular experiencing/narrating the events. i've just been blindly writing the events in a story-like format as best as i can remember that weekend. well, it's been a while since i busted it out and added to it.

quote:

Originally posted by Slylee same but i wouldn't say i'm too busy now...more like intimidated to get back into it (writers block). i have so many books about writing and grammar and how to write a screenplay, etc... wish i could get motivated to get back into my screenplay. i need some inspiration.

*sigh*


drama queen.

quote:

Originally posted by woscar

What's so funny?

quote:

Originally posted by MrJiveBoJingles I did read it, actually.

So where's my red ink?

quote:

Originally posted by MrJiveBoJingles Your command of written English is better than that of most native speakers. I would like to read some excerpts in English.

All right then. I hope I can send you something (and post that thread I promised) sometime next month

I write all the time. Mostly, stuff like this...

CLICK

People have made money off me.

quote:

Originally posted by MrJiveBoJingles What's so funny?

This

quote:

Originally posted by Slylee ...more like intimidated to get back into it (writers block) i have so many books about writing and grammar and how to write a screenplay, etc...

Is hilarious. Reading psychology books makes her a psychologist and reading books about "writing and grammar" makes her a writer, apparently. So much, as to already experience "writer's block".

What will you want to be tommorrow Jamie? Maybe if you drive a couple of miles to Kennedy Space Center they can give you some bitchin' books on rocket science.

quote:

Originally posted by woscar This Is hilarious. Reading psychology books makes her a psychologist and reading books about "writing and grammar" makes her a writer, apparently. So much, as to already experience "writer's block". What will you want to be tommorrow Jamie? Maybe if you drive a couple of miles to Kennedy Space Center they can give you some bitchin' books on rocket science.

lol you still have some sand in your vagina, drama queen.

quote:

Originally posted by Slylee wish i could get motivated to get back into my screenplay. i need some inspiration.

Try millions and millions of dollars that you will get for selling your screen play. Hows that for motivation.

This is getting kind of old already. Besides, if you look it up on Amazon, there are some books published by the Slyest of the Lee:

Oh, hey:



Brandão is not my second surname, but it's close enough

quote:

Originally posted by Slylee lol you still have some sand in your vagina, drama queen.

You're having writer's block right now, aren't you?

No, you guys don't pick on/attack people/start shit with anyone AT ALL. Goddamn hypocrites. Lol.

at the first dawn to the ending dusks,
even the alleys are filled with life.
yet , all of them lack that specific glow.
without a spark to ignite the flame ,
all goodness is mournfully withered.
though there may only be four corners ,
the key to bliss is carried by the winds ,
never to rest for too long.
and as it goes unfound with aging time ,
it sipons the will in the sword ,
and reduces the ivory cloak to mere scraps.
the contents of the chest it belongs ,
weeps with sorrow during the midnight moon.

as a spark slowly melts away the sacred nylon,
the man seeks the one ,
who may free him from despair's grip ,
and quench the land of the melted wax.
every single lively streets ,
and even the faraway suburbans ,
he scans them with eagles eyes ,
though many are seen , none is familar.
in a sandy white beach ,
sunlight reflects upon the million grains.
he places his feet lightly into them ,
while his eyes hangs down to seek.
maybe the light may have shined into his eyes,
and cause his sight to wander away.
perhaps his feet may have walked too quickly ,
and that single grain remain unfound.
as the stars are blocked by the clouds ,
he wanders aimlessly in foreign lands.
and with the lack of divine grace ,
the angels refuse to play their harp.
fate mocks him cruely ,
as he places his rugged boots away.
it seems to be an endless seek ,
without a river to make the rock flow.

trillion drops of water come from the heavenly skies ,
perhaps that specific one never was meant to fall on his eyes.
even if that specific is crystal clear ,
it may never reach his grip.
but the skies have not shut its doors ,
and drops of water continues to flow out.
maybe as time goes by ,
that specific drop of water ,
may finally reach his eyes,
to remove that invisible barrier to a greater vision.
thus the man stands in the open fields ,
as the heavens pours countless blessing from its cup.
but he will lay his hands ,
on only that specific one.
hundreds of colours fills the fruitful garden.
should he take out his umbrella ,
or stand in the blistering cold?


meh..

Yes. I'm currently in the process of writing a screenplay.

quote:

Originally posted by Renzo Yes. I'm currently in the process of writing a screenplay.

Which actor will you have playing my role?

quote:

Originally posted by jennypie No, you guys don't pick on/attack people/start shit with anyone AT ALL. Goddamn fags. Lol.

fixed

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