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Posted by Groundhog Boy on Apr-02-2010 00:29:

quote:
Originally posted by sweetcaroline
I appreciate the responses. I know I'm being a protective girlfriend, but I can't help it. I love my friend. And I spent 5 months of him talking about the pain of the breakup. Right when he was healing, his ex boyfriend breezes back in town and chases after him. Oh, did I mention that my friend is gay? Anyway, it doesn't matter...

I think his ex is evil because he saw that my friend was happy and dating someone new and chased after him. And his ex is leaving town to go overseas in August. So basically, the ex is going fuck around with my friend for a few months and then good bye. I met the new boyfriend and he was pretty amazing, not the tormented closet case the ex is.

Do we have a self destructive gene that makes us go back to people who have hurt us time and time again?

Why do exes have more pull than the world of new experiences that are out there?

There was obviously something about the ex that your friend finds special. It's not always a rational decision from an outsider perspective, mostly because outsiders aren't privy to all the information. In my experiences, the friends, especially in a break-up, hear all of the bad stuff and as a result make a more critical opinion rather than a more balanced one that includes the positive aspects.

I mean, really, when the relationship is going well, most people don't going running to their friends to discuss what nice thing their significant other did, how great their conversations are, how great the sex is, etc. But when it's over or ending, they run and tell all the bad stuff, trying to justify their decision to end it or trying to gain comfort from being dumped by having their friends tell them what a scumbag/bitch the ex is. The only way to achieve that is let loose all the bad stuff.

And yes, obviously, I've had some experience on both sides of this one.

Posted by igottaknow on Apr-02-2010 02:32:

Posted by tubularbills on Apr-02-2010 02:55:

maybe it has to do with what was going thru their mind the very first time they met the ex? those first few encounters sometimes can make the rest of the shit/hell you go thru seem "not as bad".

think of your first time encountering with the person you're with now....if it was a bad one; chanjces are you wouldn't stay with them , right?

kinda like that frog boiling itself to death, but if you threw it in a pot of boiling water, it'd jump out

or maybe just the sex.

Posted by Palladium on Apr-02-2010 03:06:

jay, is that you?

Posted by theterran on Apr-02-2010 03:16:

EX's are evil.

It's the main reason I won't be friends with my ex. Some people think that there's a difference between being friends and actually being in the relationship or whatnot, but the relationship still didn't work out, so take it as a hint.

I think the other thing is that it's easier to sleep with someone you've already been with...It's that whole comfort zone thing...Also, if he wasn't getting any play from his current boyfriend...

Also :

Posted by Spam on Apr-02-2010 08:44:

quote:
Originally posted by Magadansky
Lol. Do you know what friendship is? What do you think a friend must do, drinking with you all night and not giving you advices about your life, advices that can help you? Do you have friends actually for whom you care about or you truly believe this is the universal case (your quoted phrases above)?

quote:
Originally posted by igottaknow
You are free to tell someone what you think.

Also known as "advice".

quote:
What's unreasonable is expecting them to do what you want and getting angry when they don't.

This is the part you don't seem to get.

Posted by RandomGirl on Apr-02-2010 08:47:

- familiarity
- memories
- love
- attraction
- residual attachment
- comfort
- etc. etc. etc.

It is no surprise that people run back to their ex's. Personally, I have never been one to do that, but I can understand it.

Posted by Magadansky on Apr-02-2010 09:28:

quote:
Originally posted by Groundhog Boy
There was obviously something about the ex that your friend finds special. It's not always a rational decision from an outsider perspective, mostly because outsiders aren't privy to all the information. In my experiences, the friends, especially in a break-up, hear all of the bad stuff and as a result make a more critical opinion rather than a more balanced one that includes the positive aspects.

I mean, really, when the relationship is going well, most people don't going running to their friends to discuss what nice thing their significant other did, how great their conversations are, how great the sex is, etc. But when it's over or ending, they run and tell all the bad stuff, trying to justify their decision to end it or trying to gain comfort from being dumped by having their friends tell them what a scumbag/bitch the ex is. The only way to achieve that is let loose all the bad stuff.

And yes, obviously, I've had some experience on both sides of this one.

True but to some extent. Best friends usually share everything (hence the label "best" friend). I am currently in a similar situation, I broke-up with my gf a month ago and most of my friends usually are talking me out from making any effort in having her back (atm I dont have such intentions anyway). Yet, my best friend who knows almost everything, good and bad, still says that the thing she has done is so bad and nasty (and she deserved a nice portion of hurtful words thrown at her) that I shouldn't go back even if she tries to restore the relationship. The memory of you being hurt will fade but the memory of your best friends seeing you being hurt and wanting to avoid that in the future is something different.

Posted by Ash Parajuli on Apr-02-2010 09:29:

quote:
Originally posted by theterran

Posted by igottaknow on Apr-02-2010 14:19:

quote:
Originally posted by Magadansky
The memory of you being hurt will fade but the memory of your best friends seeing you being hurt and wanting to avoid that in the future is something different.
You're probably not ready to hear this. Not any person or anything can cause you hurt, only you can cause yourself hurt. Like I said before no one can protect you from yourself not even your best friends.

Posted by Banora on Apr-02-2010 14:53:

I dunno, I feel if they are an ex then they are an ex for a reason.

Posted by tubularbills on Apr-03-2010 02:31:

quote:
Originally posted by Banora
I dunno, I feel if they are an ex then they are an ex for a reason.

haha i used to say that exact thing for years. contrary to that statement, however, they were your significant other for a reason too

Posted by bas on Apr-03-2010 02:36:

Posted by Groundhog Boy on Apr-03-2010 02:46:

quote:
Originally posted by bas
t-bills dropping KNOWLEDGE

I have a feeling that most people not getting this have never been in that serious of a relationship. Live with someone for a few years, or date them for like 4-5, or be married & divorced, then you'll get it. Life at 21-22 is a lot different than life at 28-30.

Posted by Banora on Apr-03-2010 02:52:

quote:
Originally posted by tubularbills
haha i used to say that exact thing for years. contrary to that statement, however, they were your significant other for a reason too

True, but it just seems a waste of time (and hurtful feelings wise) to go back to someone whom you've failed with relationship-wise. I never talk to my exes, even if we ended on friendly terms, because it just seems like a waste of time.

Posted by Lira on Apr-03-2010 02:54:

quote:
Originally posted by Banora
True, but it just seems a waste of time (and hurtful feelings wise) to go back to someone whom you've failed with relationship-wise. I never talk to my exes, even if we ended on friendly terms, because it just seems like a waste of time.

I've seen these re-encounters lead to successful marriages (so far) quite a few times.

Posted by Banora on Apr-03-2010 02:57:

quote:
Originally posted by Lira
I've seen these re-encounters lead to successful marriages (so far) quite a few times.

I don't want marriage! Now I'll never talk to them again... thanks Lira.

Posted by Arbiter on Apr-03-2010 03:03:

Posted by Lira on Apr-03-2010 03:05:

quote:
Originally posted by Banora
I don't want marriage! Now I'll never talk to them again... thanks Lira.

Don't mention it!

Posted by tubularbills on Apr-03-2010 03:12:

quote:
Originally posted by bas
t-bills dropping KNOWLEDGE

lol was just saying.

and i agree w/ groundhog boy; life in your younger 20s is much diff than older 20s.

Posted by igottaknow on Apr-03-2010 03:39:

quote:
Originally posted by Arbiter
Then decide which reason is more important and fucking stick with it. Don't give me this wishy-washy bullshit.

Unfortunately life is not made entirely of 1's and 0's

Posted by tubularbills on Apr-03-2010 03:41:

quote:
Originally posted by Arbiter
Then decide which reason is more important and fucking stick with it. Don't give me this wishy-washy bullshit.

i'd be willing to say that the ex portion is more important. but there are a few rare cases when the original reason you were with them is more important.

Posted by Banora on Apr-03-2010 03:42:

quote:
Originally posted by igottaknow
Unfortunately life is not made entirely of 1's and 0's

If Binary is wrong then I don't want it to be right

Posted by Lira on Apr-03-2010 03:56:

quote:
Originally posted by Banora
If Binary is wrong then I don't want it to be right

Genius

Posted by tubularbills on Apr-03-2010 04:42:

quote:
Originally posted by Banora
If Banoray is wrong then I don't want it to be right

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