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-- The Email forward thread.
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| Originally posted by nusty Scientists have suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestr ogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 50 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men: talked excessively without making sense; became overly emotional; couldn't drive; failed to think rationally; argued over nothing; had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologize when obviously wrong. No further testing was considered necessary |
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Originally posted by srg:.  |
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| Originally posted by srg:. |
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of
His friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there
Was a big bra ss gong and a mallet.
"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at i t.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an
Ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one
Another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You
Asshole. It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits
Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where
to start with asking for help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million
replacement Mexicans.
God Bless America!
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -
Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -
Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play,
bring a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston
Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in reply
wow thanks for this thread...i havent laughed this much in a while...
there were some that i almost fell out of my chair laughing...
good stuff! 
Pickup Lines
Pickup Lines
I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
Nice legs...what time do they open?
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher,have you seen one?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell out of me.
I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Are those real?
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
(Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
F @# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public
Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I ???
Do you wash your pants in Windolene because I can see myself in them.
I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room
Re: Pickup Lines
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| Originally posted by devnull Pickup Lines |
In the spirt of US thanksgiving fast approaching.....
An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
The son can't believe his ears.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" he screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick and tired of each other and I'm sick of talking about this so you can call your sister is Chicago and tell her."
The old man hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at the old man.
"You are NOT getting divorced.! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing. Do you hear me?" and she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
On the day of the wedding, Camilla was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic! Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her Wedding so she lent them to Camilla for the day.
Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over her feet were in agony.
When she and Charles withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.
Eventually they heard Charles say 'God, that was tight.' 'There,' whispered The Queen. 'I told you with a face like that she had to be a virgin!.'
Then, to their surprise, they heard Charles say. 'Right. Now for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Charles said 'My God. That was even tighter!".
That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
Subject: Interesting Observation
If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in The Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total Of 2,112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 Soldiers.
The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. Is 80.6 per 100,000 for the Same period. That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun Control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq.
Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington.
A family is at the dinner table.The son asks his father, "Dad, how
many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds
of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round
and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a
bit.
After 50, they are like onions".
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum,
how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree,
mighty
and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but
reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for
decoration."
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened
by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00.
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference
for the politician?" The cook replied: "Have you ever tried to clean one?"
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
Three blondes died and found themselves standing Before St. Peter.
He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, They had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter shook his head, said, "Blondes!" And banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Booboo," and he banished her to hell.
The third blonde said she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast With His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans Arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder
St. Peter said, "Verrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted.
1850 Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 157 years ago? California became a state. The State had no electricity. The State had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically, it was just like California is today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.
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