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Enferno, my posts were deleted because apparently they were retarded (well yah they were not the most constructive posts) . Neo just did not see the point I was trying to make & he does not understand that humour can help lighten a situation up sometimes. My view was opposed to the other views; which is to not try & work it out with your wife. Why would I say such a shallow thing when you have a daughter to think about? In the short term you have time to grieve. You can make her feel bad for what she did. She cheated on you, this is not the behaviour you want to embrace. Yet you can forgive her, you can do both: make her feel bad, get that chip off your shoulder & then try for reconciliation.

Neo seems to think that our posts in the COR should be for moral support, but as this is a public forum I disagree. The Core doesn't know why she cheated on you in the first place, your relationship is more complicated that we will ever know. Will our answers be fitting to your circumstance if we generalise? Yes & no, though they may clear up some junk in your head. She says she wants to move on which brings up the question: Is she leaving you for another man? My extreme answer was to say "fuck her, take her to court, get full custudy of your child". An acceptable thing to say in a public forum. I also said to keep busy, get a hobby, get active to keep your mind off things. As they say, only time will tell, just be there for your daughter in the mean time.

yeah but what do you DO. forgiving, forgetting, not doing those things...thats mental and has an action...

but what about over the next 2 years. how is that playing out. what about the kid

Sometimes it's way better for the kid to be brought up by divorced parents, because a "fake" couple is a source of neurosis for the kid.

Where is the originator >:O

quote:

Originally posted by d-miurge Sometimes it's way better for the kid to be brought up by divorced parents, because a "fake" couple is a source of neurosis for the kid.

absolutely. kids aren't stupid. they know when their parents secretly want to strangle each other.

Im sorry this is happening to you. Ive also been cheated on by what I thought was a really great guy... I also couldnt eat for a long time. I kind of know what it feels like, but Im sure its on a much grander scale in your situation.

Just keep your head up. Eventually the feeling will pass. Itll be okay.

quote:

Originally posted by Orbax Where is the originator >:O

a) laughing at the joke he played on the CoR
b) not laughing at all

quote:

Originally posted by wienerschnitzel i have a hard time comprehending that she cheated on you once and now she feels so guilty that she wants out.. If i cheated on my husband, i would feel beyond worthless, but i would still love him and i would be honest with him, spend the rest of my life making it up to him, and do whatever it takes to get his trust and respect back, not to mention trying to keep our marriage together for my kids sake and ours. So i could be terribly wrong (and i hope i am) but like moral touched on, there could be something else going on that she isn't telling you about. I'm a firm believer in forgivness and working problems out, but when it comes to cheating i draw the line when they cheat with no intention to stop. I hope you figure things out, and get some REAL answers, because nobody deserves to be jerked around like that and in regards to coping, when things started getting tough in my relationship, i started to try new things and start new routines that didn't involve the other party. Good luck-

outstanding post.

oh and i agree- it's better to come from a broken home then to live in one.

quote:

Originally posted by Vivid Boy dude i have a few things i stand for. one i would never rat on someone. I once took a 1 month suspension from school for being falsely accused but i would not point a finger at who done what. #2 I would never ever ever disrespect myself by letting some chick fuck some other dude then me forgive her. I know god is all forgiving but i aint god, Im Eric. I have my flaws and pride is one of them. How do you move on? you take it day by day. you keep your mind and your body busy, and you improve yourself in every way you can think of. and when your ready you get back out there on the market and you fuck new chicks and meet new people and you get on with your life. Healing is a time for you to get stronger then you once were.

right with ya there...i say you should forgive but never forget. lets be honest how can you forget something like that

this thread got me thinking about my own situation and i hope it helps you or anyone else for that matter.

i got married last september. two years before i got married, i cheated on my then girfriend (i was at a club, i was drunk and i kissed some chick i didn't even know). i know i was stupid and disgusting for doing that. as it turned out, a friend of hers was there and recorded me with her cell phone.

the next day i went to her house as usual and she confronted me about it. i confessed and she became furious, but i convinced her to not end the relationship. as i mentioned above, we continued our relationship for two more years and during that time i never cheated or did anything else with anyone else (i get urges but don't act on them).

three tumultuous years on now and married, the topic came up again recently (i don't recall how). for some reason now she's either distrusting or disinterested about me and has set boundaries about what i can ask her about herself. for instance, today i asked her about her day and what she did (normal question right?) and she responded that she was not going to tell me and moreover, that i have no right to inquire because i cheated on her in the past. she also has told me that she has a right to cheat on me because i did and that she'd never tell me. maybe she's fucking someone. i doubt it, in truth i just don't know.

the thing that bothers me most is that she should have made this clear before we got married. had she,i wouldn't have married her. to be frank, i'm not going to tolerate a marriage like this. it's not good for her or me. unless she changes quickly, i'm filing for divorce. i don't need this shit.

i've learned that trust can't be rebuilt once it's destroyed. we can carry on a 'normal' life and the distrust may get small, but it's always somewhere around, lurking in some far off corner just sitting there. it's never the same as before.

S.O. thats fucked.

kissing a chick yeah is bad, but dont marry someone and then fuck them over by pulling it up forever. Marriage means you are marrying them and everything theve done.

you seem weird too though so who knows why she treats you like that :\

I think there is a big difference drunken kissing at a club and a full blown fuck that you willingly participate.

I'm going to agree with VividBoy for most part. Loyalty is something you don't mess with; trust is something that is so hard to truly earn and should be hard to break.

Yes, people make mistakes. But there are some mistakes that you just don't knowingly make. Cheating is something that you just don't do someone that you say you love.
Now if it was I got really fucked up and I had a random shag because I couldn't think properly, I'd be really pissed off at my gf for getting that stupid drunk/fucked up and letting things happen. Maybe. Just maybe I'd give her a second chance because she wasn't fully in control of herself when they happened.

But knowingly, and willingly cheat on me?
No one breaks my heart like that. Break up with me if you fancy an another guy. But don't cheat on me.

Having said that, I don't know the full information and it sounds like you don't know exactly what happened and why she did what she did.

So yes, I echo the advice that you two need a serious talk, with a counselor if you two must. Good luck.

quote:

Originally posted by Xenocreator_PG_ Enferno, my posts were deleted because apparently they were retarded (well yah they were not the most constructive posts) . Neo just did not see the point I was trying to make & he does not understand that humour can help lighten a situation up sometimes. My view was opposed to the other views; which is to not try & work it out with your wife. Why would I say such a shallow thing when you have a daughter to think about? In the short term you have time to grieve. You can make her feel bad for what she did. She cheated on you, this is not the behaviour you want to embrace. Yet you can forgive her, you can do both: make her feel bad, get that chip off your shoulder & then try for reconciliation. Neo seems to think that our posts in the COR should be for moral support, but as this is a public forum I disagree. The Core doesn't know why she cheated on you in the first place, your relationship is more complicated that we will ever know. Will our answers be fitting to your circumstance if we generalise? Yes & no, though they may clear up some junk in your head. She says she wants to move on which brings up the question: Is she leaving you for another man? My extreme answer was to say "fuck her, take her to court, get full custudy of your child". An acceptable thing to say in a public forum. I also said to keep busy, get a hobby, get active to keep your mind off things. As they say, only time will tell, just be there for your daughter in the mean time.

if anything, your posts helped the most of the rest. i understand where neo is coming from, but it's me for christ sake. i've caused more hell than a lot of TA's, so i don't really deserve the special treatment.


however, thank you all for your kind words.




p.s. anyone going to be in my neck of the woods (sacramento) for 4th of july? i'm having a huge get together . .

ah man....must resist must resist posting comment. he set it up. but must resist. resist

wtf @@

fingerpointing? i got a better one for you i stand for... take blame for your own actions.

you better act when you get blamed even if you didn't do it. you better ask somebody.

Re: coping

quote:

Originally posted by enferno how do you guys cope/move one/keep getting up in the morning after being so terribly betrayed?

How would I cope? I dunno I would probably just go on a fat drug binge and fuck some random chick to even the score. But after that is when things would get a lot harder.

If it was just a girlfriend or if you were married with no kids then I'd pretty much just kick the bitch to the curb and be done with it. When kids are involved I think I would at least look at the possibility of trying to work things out.

If you are thinking of staying with her the hard part for me would be the loss of trust. Every time she went out somewhere by herself I would be thinking in the back of my mind 'ok is she really at the store or is she off fucking her boyfriend again'.

If she is cheating on you then there is either something wrong with your relationship or there is something wrong with her. Only you really know the answer to that question. If the problem is with the relationship, maybe in time with help you can work out those problems, fix your relationship, and try to rebuild it and the lost trust. If the problem is with her, then you almost have no choice but to get rid of her or get hurt again because people don't change.

That being said, I would be highly suspect of her wanting a divorce because she just can't forgive herself or whatever crap she is saying. To me that sounds like an easy way for her to end her marriage so she can be with someone else.

quote:

Originally posted by Spike right with ya there...i say you should forgive but never forget.

you have a lot to learn about forgiveness

if you insist on forgive and never forget, you just want to keep them around so you can make them feel like shit about what they did for a while longer, which makes you no better than they are. maybe even worse...

^^^ agreed. As I stated in my lengthy post earlier in this thread... if one decides that salvaging the relationship is more important then the indiscression, you have to be willing to to let it go completely. Once you decide to work it out, to forgive, then that's it, you can't go back to the well with it... you cannot bring it up, you can't use it as leverage, you can't act based on it, you have to pretend it never happened. To do anything else dooms the attempt to salvage the marriage to failure.

forgiveness is an act , not a feeling. You never FEEL like they are forgiven or that you want to. You do it, wipe the slate clean, and stfu. Its like when guys get in a fight and afterwards they shake hands. That shaking of hands means everything is cool now. You dont get to bring it up again.

I think part of this is...and Slylee I know you will love this, is that women have MUCH less emphasis on things like honor, obligation, duty, etc... growing up. To men, its a death sentence in the business and interpersonal worlds to not be able to show honor, commitment, etc. Girls get away with a lot of stuff that men would be tarred and feathered for.

Its why guys tend to think women are bad drivers. They are oblivious that what they are doing is wrong half the time, and once you explain that courteous driving suggests you _______ they dont care. It is hard to blame them a lot for doing such things, but man when you have to do it all day long its hard not to get angry that they cant do it half the time you do.

Hows that sly?

Thank god I was raised by a man.

quote:

Originally posted by Orbax forgiveness is an act , not a feeling. You never FEEL like they are forgiven or that you want to. You do it, wipe the slate clean, and stfu. Its like when guys get in a fight and afterwards they shake hands. That shaking of hands means everything is cool now. You dont get to bring it up again. I think part of this is...and Slylee I know you will love this, is that women have MUCH less emphasis on things like honor, obligation, duty, etc... growing up. To men, its a death sentence in the business and interpersonal worlds to not be able to show honor, commitment, etc. Girls get away with a lot of stuff that men would be tarred and feathered for. Its why guys tend to think women are bad drivers. They are oblivious that what they are doing is wrong half the time, and once you explain that courteous driving suggests you _______ they dont care. It is hard to blame them a lot for doing such things, but man when you have to do it all day long its hard not to get angry that they cant do it half the time you do. Hows that sly?

was i supposed to be mad or disagree with this or something? lol

you just described my dad by the way, who played a huge role in my upbringing despite my parents being divorced so

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