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- Australia
-- The Aussie Humour thread
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For hundreds of years we have been led to believe that it was the crafty serpent (as stated in Genesis) who deceived Eve into eating the apple from the tree of good and evil.
A few days ago I received a poster tube in the mail with a color photocopy of the picture to the left and an anonymous letter which read:
"2 weeks ago a rare one-of-a-kind painting was stolen from a vault in the Vatican. No reports have been filed and no one outside of a small circle of people in the Vatican know about the painting because it would 'Tear the world apart!'. Share the painting with the world though your page! The truth must be told!"
Has all that we have been taught a total lie? Is the Church trying to cover-up the truth about how we "came to be"? Is Bert more EVIL then anyone could have ever imagined!?!
more more more!!! 
lol @ the jihad joe!!!!
hehe can you get camel accessories for them to ride into battle??
*makes sure tiesto14 isnt looking* and maybe a new york playset with deformable buildings....
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| Originally posted by DJ Mikey Mike my input:  |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by dj_nomiz i swear i saw that same joke in the movie 'Sum of all fears'... except it was in russian i think? |
u lot are all nuts 
good pics, I like 
Attention Refugees
If you are currently suffering religious, racial or ethnic persecution or even financial hardships and are considering Australia as your destination, please consider the following:
1. Although Australia is a large continent, only small parts of it is actually worth living in and believe it or not these areas are already full of people.
2.The vast majority of the country is uninhabitable due to the large number of poisonous snakes,spiders and man eating crocodiles.
3.Due to the hole in the Ozone layer, you cannot live in the sun unprotected for more than 15 mins and sunscreen costs exceed 40% of the average Australian wage.
4.Australia is in the process of beefing up their defence forces, F111 fighter bombers, Orion coastal patrol aircraft and F/A 18 aircraft all scour our oceans looking for your ships, while the world renowned and feared Collins class submarines are the invisible death lurking undetectable beneath our seas.
NEW ZEALAND WOULD BE A MUCH MORE SUITABLE PLACE TO GO
1.The land mass is virtually devoid of any population, most came to Australia years ago, unlike Australia, there's plenty of room!
2.During the last 1000 years or so any dangerous animal larger than a Pea has gone extinct from the Island, the Friendly Native Maoris have eaten them all.
3.The wonderful climate of New Zealand ensures clouds preserve you from the effects of dangerous UV radiation.
4.The New Zealand Defence force is currently in the process of selling its remaining Tiger Moth biplane, Bill and Wazza of the New Zealand Navy have taken their tin Dinghy and quit. Sailing into New Zealand is simplicity itself!
The beautiful scenery, The Maoris peaceful and friendly nature, promiscuous sheep and the Joys of living in a first world country where water and power is available almost 80% of the time!
Any currency you bring with you will instantly boost you to levels of wealth you never expected as New Zealand's exchange rate with your county of origin is bound to be favourable!
Read some testimonials:
Amatoli Hizradda: "At first I had my heart set on Australia, but with the 50 Drachmas change I had in my pocket, I've purchased a large farmhouse and 2000 sheep!"
Pong pen VNeue: " I'd never heard of New Zealand and when I got here I found no Triads or gangs to hold me ransom, so I started one!"
Slobodan Milosovich:" I was suffering great hardships in my country due to United Nations persecution, I'm safe here in New Zealand as the UN doesn't even know it exists.
WE, the people of the broad brown land of Oz, wish to be recognised as a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional boong.
We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.
WE are One Nation but we're divided into many States. First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "liveable." At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world, and is proud of it. It's mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation, where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowton, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts, and many of them still work there in the government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet, and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
Oh yes, and there's Canberra. The nation's capital. The least said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament while Brian bloody Harradine can get 24,000 votes and run the whole country.
Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.
We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude, and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).
We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning in the same breath. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing.
We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe. We don't know much about art but we know we hate the poofs who make it.
We shoot, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we're better than the Kiwis.
Aussie: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong
to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of
themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and
basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate," and a heavy accent to everything they say
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Wollow on about how some of their past citizens were once outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!
Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because they don't understand subtle humor.
bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!
I thought that was posted by philby lol!
Winbros is awesome, I absolutely love the "winamp is fully pumping bro!"
Fucking classic!!!
Good one renegade!! Fully sick habibs! 
Escargot
Queen mum found alive!
Queen mum found alive!!
Catching the bouquet...
You are at the wedding...
You are a total Diva...
The best dress, a perfect hairdo, and you fall in love with an Invited guest.....
Secret looks the entire night, On the dance floor,he's by your side constantly, he dances like a God....
You are the couple of the evening......
The anticipated moment has arrived for all single women.......
The bride is about to throw the bouquet....
You are first in line, in a strategic position......
Once there, you wait for the right moment.....
You look at him sensually, and with your eyes you tell him........
if I catch the bouquet�
I WILL MARRY YOU...
And then, the moment you've been waiting for....
The bride throws the bouquet........
He doesn't stop looking at you....
You jump like never before to catch the bouquet...
Your arms stretched out...
Your hands open....
And suddenly............
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Can you guys see the pictures in my posts above? If not, what am I doing wrong?
| quote: |
| Originally posted by mad_atta Can you guys see the pictures in my posts above? If not, what am I doing wrong? |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by mad_atta Can you guys see the pictures in my posts above? If not, what am I doing wrong? |
Re: Queen mum found alive!
| quote: |
| Originally posted by mad_atta Queen mum found alive!! |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Technaut i can see da pics |
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| Originally posted by DJ Mikey Mike in that case... i guess the pics just timeout for people with slow connections like me :\ |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Technaut gay! that used to happen to me too |
HAHAHAHAHAHAH
i would do that to my old modem but its built in
so take it out tech!!
all u need is some screwdrivers
then *whap*
FORE!!
and good job on the pics .. bewbies rule
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