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| quote: |
| Originally posted by webmeister Note: may not work if you're a pommy, you'll probably just nick the baby  |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by InAcoma What was the centerpiece of the annual Anorexia and Bulimnia sufferers convention? A cake jumping out of a girl. |
Stupid jokes eh?
How did the telephones get married ?
In a double ring ceremony !
Why did the child study in the aeroplane ?
He wanted a higher education !
Why was the broom late ?
It over swept !
Do you know the time ?
No, we haven't met yet !
What kind of hair do oceans have ?
Wavy !
What runs but never walks ?
Water !
How do you make milk shake ?
Give it a good scare !
Whats red and flies and wobbles at the same time ?
A jelly copter !
Waiter, this soup tastes funny ?
Then why aren't you laughing !
Why did the clock get sick ?
It was run down !
What do you call a woman with a sinking ship on her head?
Mandy Lifeboats!
What do you call a woman with a pint of beer on her head playing snooker?
Beatrix Potter!
What do you call a lion with toothache?
Rory!
What do you call a man with a big truck on his head?
Laurie!
What do you call a man with turf on his head?
Pete!
What do you call the ghost who haunts TV shows?
Phantom of the Oprah!
What kind of illness does Bruce Lee get?
Kung Flu!
What do you call a man who doesn't sink?
Bob!
What do you call a Rodent that has a sword?
A Mouseketeer!
What do you call the bad lion tamer?
Claude Bottom!
What do monsters make with cars?
Traffic Jam
What do you call the elephant witch doctor?
Mumbo Jumbo
Why did the pony cough?
He was a little hoarse!
What do sheep do on sunny days?
Have a baa - baa - cue!
How do you know when a dog has been naughty?
It leaves a little poodle on the carpet!
Where do Aliens keep their sandwiches?
In a Launch box
What do you call the pub on Mars?
A Mars Bar!
Why did the spaceship land outside your bedroom?
I must have left the landing light on
What do you call a vampire that lives in the kitchen?
Spatula!
Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance?
He had no body to go with! .
If the red house is on the right side and if the blue house is on the left side where's the white house?
Washington DC
What do you get if Batman and Robin get smashed by a steam roller?
Flatman and ribbon.
When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a garage.
And the longer ones:
Saturday morning... Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realises that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" Says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob. "Is Mummy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh my god... And what about Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." There is a long pause then Bob says, "Swimming pool?....... Is this 8547039?
*
Two snakes side by side, one turns to the other and asks: "Are we poisonous?" "Yes I think so," says the other "Oh shit, I've just bitten my tongue"
*
A sandwich goes into a bar and says "I'll have a pint of Guinness, please" and the barman says "sorry, we don't serve sandwiches".
*
A baby owl says "what! what!" and his mother says "no, it's hoo! hoo!" and the baby owl says "what! what!" and his mother says "no, it's hoo! hoo!" and the baby owl says "what! what!" and his mother says "how many times do I have to tell you, it's hoo, you know, not what, you know".
*
A man is on trial for forging a stamp collection and he pleads innocent on the grounds that imitation is the most sincere form of philately.
*
When golf first started, one under par was a birdie and two under par was an eagle and three under par was a partridge. Then they had to change the rules because you couldn't get a partridge on a par three.
*
A man is walking downtown in Dublin and it starts to rain, so he goes into the Irish Times offices, grabs a few newspapers and starts to wipe his feet with them. The editor sees him and asks him what he is doing and he says "these are the Times that dry men's soles".
*
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
*
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
*
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....
*
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
*
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my underpants."
*
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
*
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well........It's not unusual........."
*
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
*
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
*
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
*
Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
*
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's cross-eyed, is >there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
*
Two elephants walk off a cliff ...... boom boom!
*
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
*
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right" he said, "the steaks are too high."
*
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
*
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
*
I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a mussel.
*
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
*
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
*
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
police were notified earlier this morning when a number of chickens were stolen from a nearby farm. foul play is suspected....
LOL
like a glove!!!
lol!!!!!
thank u renegade hehehehe
| quote: |
| Originally posted by DJ Fundamental That one is pure class.... |
POST WHORE
must not let thread diee!!
on second thoughts
still going strong..
my word..
!
hmm...one day i may read through this thread to see what's going on
...for now, think i'll just whore another one
i'm so sexy, yes i am!
where are my fellow ninja's from australia!!!
N I N J A - P O W A H !
Oh well, who am I to reseest eet?
whorin' it up! Nearly 2000 replies....
can i be a ninja?
Re: i'm so sexy, yes i am!
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Porky where are my fellow ninja's from australia!!! N I N J A - P O W A H ! |
| quote: |
| when u make a mask u can call yourself a ninja! until then, take a hike! |
lol
i think we actually have a digital camera here, ill have to have a go sometime
hey
we have over 15000 posts in this forum now
nearly 2000 in this thread
ok we have had lame jokes
now lame pick up lines
Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you knew...
Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist
Hey baby, wanna go halves on a bastard?
I wanna put my thingy into your thingy.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under...
BANKSTOWN HIGH SCHOOL
CITY OF BANKSTOWN
HSC
MATHEMATICS EXAM
NAME�������
GANG�������
1. If Mohamed lowers his WRX 2 inches front and back and puts on stolen 18-inch Zepter Wheels, how
many inches has he originally lost from the stock suspension
2. If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how many razors will he need before he goes
gym at 8.00pm?
3. If Mustuffa runs 10 kms from the police in Lakemba to Punchbowl then steals a car and drives another
5 kms to Bankstown, how many kilometers has he traveled if he ends up hiding in Wiley Park
4. Omar has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an �8 ball� to hamil for $320.00 and 2 grams to Akhmed
for $85.00 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
5. If Ahmed receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from centerlink and works for his brother
as a builder and receives a further $400.00 per week and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his
11 children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a smashed tarago from the auctions
6. If the average spray can covers 22 square meters and the average letter is 8 square centimeters, how
many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint
7. if Soula needs 25 mls of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair and Soula is only 19 years old, how
many mls will her mother need if she is 47?
8. Mohamed has a AK-47 with 2 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at
each drive-by shooting how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
9. If Jim changes the oil in his Fish & Chips shop deep fryer every 18 months and this costs him
$400.00, how often should he change the oil if he wants to spend only $180.00 per annum on new oil
10. If Abdo runs a Donor Kebab shop and works as a taxi driver on weekends and earns $1,200.00 per
week, how much does Centerlink give him for his job search allowance?
11. If Bankstown`s ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5% per month, the overall population
increasing at 2.1% per month, at what rate are the Aussies leaving?
12. Nabil wants to cut his 8 ounces of heroin to make a 20% profit, how many ounces of cut will he need
13. Chang gets $200.00 for stealing a BMW, $150.00 for a Commodore and $100.00 for a Falcon. If he
has stolen two BMW`s and Three Falcon�s, how many Commodores will he have to steal to make
1,800.00?
14. If Bilal gets a haircut and gets a number 2 on the sides and a number 3 on top, then he goes back 3
weeks later and gets a number 1 all round, how much has his hair grown in 3 weeks: (Assume that
his hair grows evenly at a rate of 2 mm per day)
15. Quang is pimping for three girls. If the price is $75.00 for a trick, how many tricks will each girl
have to turn so that Quang can pay for his $200 per day crack habit?
16. If Greg Smith hears the word �yullah� approximately 55 times per hour in Bankstown Square, How
many times will he hear the word �mate� in Penrith Plaza, if Bankstown has a population of 85,000
and Penrith has a population of 10,000?
17. If Luigi drives his family and cousins all in one car from Leichardt to Stanmore, how many round
Trips will he need to make if 40 of his relatives need a lift and he can put 12 people in his Valiant
Any one given time?
18. If Ahmed uses 1 kg of �bog� to fix his smashed car, how many cans of spray paint will he need if
Hardware House is selling them for $9.00 each and each can has 85 mls and the ambient air
Temperature averages at 22.5 degrees Celsius?
19. Trinh is in prison for six years for murder. He has received $10,000 for the hit. His common law wife
is spending $100.00 per month. How much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how
many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
20. If Mario's dad has his top 3 buttons of his shirt open and he reveals 1 x golden cross and 2 other golden
ornaments, and has approximately 17 sq cm of hair coming from his chest with an average length of
2 cm, what is the probability that the ornaments will be visible from:
a) 2 feet away �..%
b) 5 feet away �..%
c) 100 feet away �..%
21. If Effie's mum sells her galaktoboureko for $2.oo per slice and she wants to make make an extra 10%
profit on each slice, how many sheets of filo pastry will she leave out if the filo pastry costs 62c a sheet
and she normally uses 17 sheets on each tray which she cuts it into 16 slices?
22. Hamul has knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What percentage of the girls
in the gang has Hamul knocked up?
23. If George has $12,000.00 and buys 2 smashed cars from the auctions, how much will it cost him to
fix them if his friend from school Ahmed is a panel beater and charges him Habib rates of $40.00
per hour?
24. If Layla has to move her eyes 50 degrees to the right when doing her math�s HSC exam to see Julie
Wilson's answers, how many degrees will she have to move her head if Michelle, Linda and Lisa are
Sitting 1 meter apart from Julie?
END OF EXAM
heheheh
-"Excuse me, Can I borrow a quarter to go call my mother. I got to let her know I found the women of my dreams."
-Hey, Baby. Have sex with me and I won't bother you again!
-Is your dad a terrorist? Cause your the bomb!
-I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE A VIRGIN BUT COULD I HAVE THE BOX IT CAME IN?
-man: are you jamaican?
woman: why?
man: cause jamaican me horny.
MAN: HEY ARE YOU FROM TENNESSE?
GIRL: NO, WHY?
MAN: CAUSE YOUR THE ONLY TEN I SEE!
-
all those work well
| quote: |
| Originally posted by TranceBunnY -man: are you jamaican? woman: why? man: cause jamaican me horny. |
Damn people.....130 pages on this thread alone...
Let's keep it going and let this thread be the longest thread in like the whole TA forum heheheheh
| quote: |
| Originally posted by InAcoma ok we have had lame jokes now lame pick up lines Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you knew... Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist Hey baby, wanna go halves on a bastard? I wanna put my thingy into your thingy. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me. Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under... |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by InAcoma ok we have had lame jokes now lame pick up lines |
.
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Starfox . |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Az NO FUCKING DOTTING |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Starfox LOL! hi Az!! |
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