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TOTA Joke Thread
I'm sitting here at work and I need something to get me through the day so I thought I would start a thread where everybody could post their favourite jokes. I'll start
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He held her hand and said,
"Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then
..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
^^^^^^^^^^^ahahahhaahahah little stupid but hilarious....
Hahah, ya we need something to keep us office folk entertained....
I have no jokes as I can never remember them
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little BILLY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
LOL...good one liam
never heard that one before!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^hahahaha
I like that one, I've actually heard it before
Here is another
How is sex a lot like air???
It's not a big deal unless you're not getting any
Who Died the Worst Death?
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."
itikia...that was gold 
^^^ I so did not get that.
itikia
^^^^^^^^me neither
it means she was really alive or came back to life or watever
sorry...lack of sleep really gets to me, it was kinda hard to translate it...
| quote: |
| Originally posted by DJ El Kay Dee it means she was really alive or came back to life or watever |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by ryanm ^^^^^^^^^duh!!! Hey sherlock I figured that one out as well |
ah a funny guy I see 
| quote: |
| Originally posted by ryanm ah a funny guy I see |
Jokes, unless they are physical gags, are hard to translate.
If Resumes Told the Truth
OBJECTIVE
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.
EDUCATION
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don't Ask
EMPLOYMENT
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages.
DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.
RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.
COMPUTER SKILLS
*Solitaire *Minesweeper *On/Off Repair Method HONORS AND AWARDS
*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament *Said Toast at brother's wedding *High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine
For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you're considering me as a law school applicant.
A blonde walks into a doctors office and says "Doctor I hurt everywhere! I don't know whats wrong with me"
The doctor says "Ok, why don't you show me where it hurts"
First, the girl touches her cheek and cries out in pain. She touches her right arm and shouts out. Finally she touches her lega and screams in agony.
The doctor looks at her and says "You know whats wrong with you? Your finger is broken"
An old women loses her husband due to age. She can�t bear to live on anymore so she decides she wants to kill herself to end her misery. She calls the doctor�s office and asked the doctor which was the quickest and most effective way to kill herself. The doctor replies, �shoot yourself with a gun directly into the heart�. The women replies, �but doctor, where is the center of my heart, I want to be sure so I don�t miss.� The doctor replies, �your heart is located directly under your left breast� The women thanks the doctor and then hung up the phone.
The next day the old woman was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee
1)
A woman comes to a doctor and they have the following dialog:
Woman - Doctor, my husband is 300% impotent, what should we do?
Doctor - 300% How is that possible?
Woman - Well, not only is he an impotent, but a few days ago he got onto a ladder to fix a roof, but then fell down, broke all his fingers and bit his tongue off.
2)
A man comes to a doctor and they have the following dialog:
Man - Doctor, my wife doesn't want to give me a blow job, what should
I do to convince her?
Doctor - Hm.. Did you try to put some chocolate on your dick?
One week later a man comes back and they have the following dialog:
Doctor - So, how were the results?
Man - Well, my wife still doesn't want to give me blow job, but my kids sure like it.
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Durafei 1) A woman comes to a doctor and they have the following dialog: Woman - Doctor, my husband is 300% impotent, what should we do? Doctor - 300% How is that possible?Woman - Well, not only is he an impotent, but a few days ago he got onto a ladder to fix a roof, but then fell down, broke all his fingers and bit his tongue off. 2) A man comes to a doctor and they have the following dialog: Man - Doctor, my wife doesn't want to give me a blow job, what should I do to convince her? Doctor - Hm.. Did you try to put some chocolate on your dick? One week later a man comes back and they have the following dialog: Doctor - So, how were the results? Man - Well, my wife still doesn't want to give me blow job, but my kids sure like it. |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by ryanm that's disgusting, yet funny |
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. The pharmacist asks 'Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?' The lady say's 'To kill my husband.'
'I can't sell you any for that reason' says the pharmacist. The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. He looks at the photo and says 'Oh...........I didn't know you had a prescription!'
| quote: |
| Originally posted by infinity HiGH A lady walks into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. The pharmacist asks 'Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?' The lady say's 'To kill my husband.' 'I can't sell you any for that reason' says the pharmacist. The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. He looks at the photo and says 'Oh...........I didn't know you had a prescription!' |
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