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Make me Laugh!
Heard any good jokes lately? Here is one to start you off...
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. Wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
So the professor picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of
course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life.
The rocks are the important things -your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they
remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks.
The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your
partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first -the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then...A student took the jar, which the other students and the
professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
Which proves: - no matter how full your life is, there is always room for
one
more beer....
Should have wacked it in the Humour / Funny Stuff part of the forum matey! 
hmmm...i'm sure this one's been posted recently
...or maybe i got it in my email 
well...here's another one i got in my email today 
If you think life is bad...
How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes four minutes to get hard.
Only two minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys
But worst of all...
the only chick that ever sat on your face
was your mother!!!
So cheer up, your life isn't that bad!!!
Pass it around to someone who you feel can
use a good lay,
I mean day!!!
hehe!!
Aaaarrrgghhh...that's sick Fraggle! Funny though Don't know about the 4 minutes to get hard bit though! I'd be going to the doctors about that one...
I got a joke for you, how do you circumsize a redneck, kick his sister in the jaw
Another one
sorry,forgot there was a humor category.
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
Damn trying to move this one to the humour section
Hehe LOL. You aren't the mod here. Hehe. Nice jokes y'all
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Dj Lex Hehe LOL. You aren't the mod here. Hehe. Nice jokes y'all |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Henkie_henk Damn trying to move this one to the humour section |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Blik just push the MOVE button henkie....... |
Another one...
http://www.tranceaddict.com/forums/...?threadid=12216
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Henkie_henk * A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home |
What do you call a dog that has no legs and balls of steel?
-Sparky!
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says "Guys, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, in a very heavy french accent, "I take ze sword." When the chief gives him a sword the Frenchman takes it, exclaims "Vive la France," and runs himself through.
The Englishman is next. He looks the chief in the eye and says " a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him the pistol. The Englishman cocks the gun, points it at his head, yells "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The chief turns to the New Yorker. "Gimme a fork" the man says, with complete disdain. The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives the man a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over his body-the stomach, the sides, the chest, his arms, his legs, everywhere.Blood is gushing out of what seems like every inch of his body. It is horrible.
The chief is appalled, and asks "My God almighty, what are you doing?"
The New Yorker looks up at him from the ever expanding pool of blood and says "So much for your canoe, you stupid bastard!"
alright this is a good one i think...
A Guy gets a call from his blond girlfriend, she says "Chris, come over here quick, I bought this puzzle and none of the pieces fit, they ripped me off. According to the box it's suppose to be a tiger." so Chris say's "ok, i'm comin over."
Chris arrives at his girlfriends house and walks into the kitchen, she says "Help me!" he says, "Ok first, that's not a puzzle, second pick up those damn Frosted Flakes all over the table and put them back in the box."
ROFL
What's the last thing a redneck says before he dies?
"Hey guys watch this!"
that tiger one was Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!
Yeah great stories
heheh...always have to laugh at the blonde ones
Some more jokes....
Long ago there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo.
He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear
when facing his enemies.
One day, while sailing the Seven seas, his lookout spotted
a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic.
Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first
mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while
wearing the brightly coloured frock, the Captain led his
crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting
the day's triumph. One of the them asked the captain, "Sir,
why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the
shirt will not show my blood. Thus, you men will continue to
fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat in and marvelled at the courage of such
a manly man's man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not
one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew
stared in worshipful silence at the captain and
waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravo gazed with
steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship,
and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown
pants!"
----
(This one is sure to offend someone, so if that's you, don't read it. )
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS BLACK:
1 He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he
was God.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures.
But perhaps the most compelling evidence is that JESUS WAS A WOMAN:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who
JUST DIDN'T GET IT!
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more
work for him to do
----
hehehe!!
those were cool TranceNerd
...haven't heard them before!!
Re: Make me Laugh!
| quote: |
| Originally posted by igottaknow Heard any good jokes lately? Here is one to start you off... A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. Wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things -your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first -the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." But then...A student took the jar, which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. Which proves: - no matter how full your life is, there is always room for one more beer.... |
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