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Posted by ratz on Sep-19-2003 03:44:

trance inspired poetry

wrote this a last weak and thought id see if i can get some feed back on it... this is the first poem i wrote in about 6 months considering that i usally cant write unless im really depressed...
any feed back would be appreciated...

*poem removed to save what dignity i have left*

Posted by Orbax on Sep-19-2003 05:00:

k, as a reader, "losing my way forward" is hard to comprehend. If this poems for you its great, but your "public voice" needs work. Its a little unclear what you mean.

(yeah i take lots of poetry classes fuck yoU! heheh)

Posted by moncster on Sep-19-2003 05:03:

roses are red
i want trance
i hate poems that don't rhyme

Posted by ratz on Sep-19-2003 05:21:

quote:
Originally posted by Orbax
k, as a reader, "losing my way forward" is hard to comprehend. If this poems for you its great, but your "public voice" needs work. Its a little unclear what you mean.

well that speeks about how looking forward is getting me nowhere with out dealing with my past first... hense

losing my way forward,
i start to look back,
try to use the past to grow in happiness,
try to find myself...

Posted by bassaholix on Sep-19-2003 09:39:

quote:
Originally posted by moncster
roses are red
i want trance
i hate poems that don't rhyme

thats right there.. sorry..

Poetry needs to rhyme, you need to have that need to read that next line... if not.. your audience will bore... one other thing... your visual imagery is good, although it needs to be worked upon.

Posted by Boomer187 on Sep-19-2003 10:02:

quote:
Originally posted by bassaholix
thats right there.. sorry..

Poetry needs to rhyme, you need to have that need to read that next line... if not.. your audience will bore... one other thing... your visual imagery is good, although it needs to be worked upon.

eh there is tons of poetry out there that doesn't rhyme. Seems kinda restrictive to say that poetry HAS to rhyme, thought it was free to take any form.

I like the use of opposites in the first and second lines in the 2nd and 3rd part, I thought maybe you could also incorporate that into the first and fourth part.

as a side note now that I think of it, poetry used to always rhyme, but that was only because the language used was inflectional. So the ending of word modified the word, and since there were only so many endings they mostly rhymed. or so I was told.

Posted by ratz on Sep-19-2003 14:12:

thing is is that i dont write my poetry for any 1 else but me... so i can have it any way i want... i just thought id see how others thought... but im not gonna change it... what comes out comes out an its pretty much written in stone... but thanks for the constructive critisism... and on the note of it not rhyming... i hardly ever see any poetry that rhymes unless yer talking grade 6 shit... most famous poems of the 19th an 20th centery dont rhyme at all...

Posted by placebo on Sep-19-2003 14:21:

doo doo doo doo
dooee doo dooee doo
doo doo doo doo
dooee doo dooee doo
sunshine
sunshine
sunshine
happiness
doo doo doo doo
DOODOODOODOODOO
HAPPINESS
deedle dee dee deedle dee dee

repeat for 8 minutes

Posted by Lira on Sep-19-2003 15:18:

I still want to know who had the sig that said:

"Roses are red, violets are blue
All my bases are belong to you"

Posted by trancEyes22 on Sep-19-2003 15:45:

quote:
Originally posted by placebo
doo doo doo doo
dooee doo dooee doo
doo doo doo doo
dooee doo dooee doo
sunshine
sunshine
sunshine
happiness
doo doo doo doo
DOODOODOODOODOO
HAPPINESS
deedle dee dee deedle dee dee

repeat for 8 minutes

ahahhaha if thats not already a trance song, it could def be one!!!!

Posted by ratz on Sep-19-2003 16:44:

eh... whats the point in sharing artistic ability if its not even appreciated... all i get are crap comments of ppl mocking poetry... i thought there would be some ppl who appreciate it...
oh well

Posted by Orbax on Sep-19-2003 16:48:

its good, but one of the hardest things about writing poetry is responding to criticism. Most of the time poetry is written straight from deep emotions, and you get it out, and every word seems perfect because it totally reminds you of what you were feeling.

but like I said, sometimes other people dont get the same imagery at all. Like that stanza I mentioned still doesnt make sense...to me. Which is just 1 person. And after you hear the critical thought you can either choose to change it or not, but it shouldnt be a fast decision. One of the requirements for my final was to take 10 final drafts of poems I had submitted and make major changes to them. Some turned out worse, some a lot better. Experiment. Thats what its all about.

Posted by ratz on Sep-19-2003 16:55:

criticism i can take... but to go as far as to mock me is just un called for... i understand what you mean about ppl not seeing the same image as me... and thats why i posted it... but frankly to have me mocked... i just wont take that... specially something so pure and from my heart...

Posted by Orbax on Sep-19-2003 19:00:

Yeah that isnt cool. Basically, I think poetry makes a lot of guys uncomfortable in some way, so they laugh about it. I dunno. Im in a weird mood.

The falling rain created echoes of silence in the darkness of my mind
The tears of heaven streaked along the glass, matched by twin rivers coursing down the other side.
Red, bleary eyes stare blankly through the mist, the mind shrouded in a darkness more complete than a storm could ever create.
Fingernails split and rip back as splinters from the windowframe drive home the worthlessness of existence.
There was no pain in that overloaded mind, a glazed examination of the crimson flow yielded a birdlike twist of the neck.
As the blood clotted beneath the shrieking skies, a mind went silent for the last time, utter peace washed over, and those eyes would see no more pain.

yeah, that about sums up my mood. Im not depressed at all hehe, im actually about to go work out, but I dunno. Deep thoughts this morn.

Posted by Vivid Boy on Sep-19-2003 20:12:

strip club strip club for where are thy
strip club strip club shot jism in my eye

Posted by Vivid Boy on Sep-19-2003 20:19:

i wish i were a bird sooaring thru the sky
i wish i was a snake slithering into ur behind
i wish i was a dolphin swimming so free
but im nothing but a pimp so bitch get on ur knees
i wish i was batman no i wish i was robin
fuck them both cause im robbin with a bat man
ii wish i was a caped crusader
i wish i had a penis shaped like darth vader
but i guess im not that far off cause im a heavy breathing masterbater

Posted by You aint Ninja on Sep-19-2003 20:28:

Re: trance inspired poetry

quote:
Originally posted by ratz

*poem removed to save what dignity i have left*

Poor guy.