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LOADS of old dd jokes (updated)

Randomly chosen from the archive:

Did you hear Micheal jackson has agreed to "split custody" of his kids with his ex-wife?
Yeah! He gets them from the waist down!
Did you here about the new Ultra-sensitive Condoms?
After you fuck her, they stay behind to cuddle and talk!
Did you here about the day-after pill for men?
It changes your blood-type!


A priest and a rabbi operate a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwine, they decide to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they park it on the street between both houses of worship.
Later on that same evening, the rabbi looks out and sees the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurries out and asks the priest what he's doing.
"I'm blessing it," the priest replies.
The rabbi considers this a moment, then goes back inside the synagogue. He reappears a moment later with a hacksaw, walks over to the back of the car and cuts off two inches of the tailpipe.
The priest asks: "What did you do that for?"
The Rabbi replies: "I'm circumcising it!"

That days worst jokes:

Q: What is a person called, who has no left eye, ear, hand and foot?
A: All right!!

Q: do you know how pinnochio found out he was made of wood?
A: his hand caught on fire.

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott.
Anyway, it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

*** *** ***

A doorman working at a brothel hears a knock at the door. He opens up, and two sailors are standing there. They ask: "What can we get for a five bucks?"
"For five bucks?!" the doorman says, outraged, "You can suck each other's dicks for five bucks!" He then slams the door in their faces.
Ten minutes latter, there's another knock at the door. It's the sailors again. "What do YOU guys want?" the doorman roars.
"Where do we pay up?" they ask.


Two young princes were walking down the road near a castle. All of the sudden they see a princess. They look at each other and go over to the princess and say, "We would do anything to marry you."
The princess says, "Well, Its not up to me to decide which one of you to marry."
The first prince says, "What can we do?"
The princess replies. "You must talk to my father first."
They head off to the castle to see the king. The king says, "OK, to marry my daughter, you both must accomplish a task."
The princes nod their heads.
The king leads them outside to the wall surrounding the town. The king says, "OK, you must jump the wall, swim across the lake, Go to the farm, have sex with the cow, and come back."
The first prince says, "That's easy!" and jumps the wall and drowns in the lake.
The second prince climbs the wall, swims the lake, goes to the farm, copulates with the cow and comes back.
The king says, "OK. Now you may pay me a hundred gold pieces to marry my daughter."
The prince thinks about it for a second and asks: "How much for the cow?"

That days worst jokes:

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?
A: a itchy cock!

Q: what do you call a gay dwarf?
A: a low blow!

Q: what is one thing that a spermcell and a man have in commom?
A: only one out of a billion will be the perfect one!

*** *** ***

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady say's "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist. The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"


On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer ... for a couple of months, and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered. "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"


That days worst joke:

Two fools walk on a railroadtrack. Said the one: "is it still faraway?". Said the other: "I don't think so, it must be there in the near distance where the rails join themselves".
After another hour of walking, said the one: "come on, this is not possible". The other looked back and said: "Gosh, we already passed it!"

*** *** ***

An old farmer went to town to see a movie.
The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster, Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the rooster down his pants.
He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater, sitting down next to two little old ladies named Patty and Marcy.
The movie started.
The rooster began to squirm.
The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marcy," whispered Patty.
"What?" answered Marcy.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marcy.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his cock out," whispered Patty.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marcy. "At our age we've seen 'em all."
"That's what I thought, too," said Patty, "but this one's eating my popcorn!"


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture, she figured that she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.


That days worst joke:

Saddam Hussein's son comes home from shopping with everything in a cardboard box......
His dad says: "Why have you brought the shopping home in a cardboard box, son?"
His son replies: "Because there's no Baghdad."

*** *** ***

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in Arkansas out on the farm up in the hills. Pa has found out that the hole for the outhouse is full. He goes in the house and tells Ma he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'un down the road? He must be smart because he's a college graduate."
So Pa drives down to the neighbors. He asks him "Mr. College Graduate, my hole for the outhouse is full and I don't know what to do to empty it."
The young'un tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Light them both under the outhouse. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. The second one will then go off and spread the shit all across your farm and fertilize your ground. The outhouse will then come back down to the same spot and you will have an empty hole for outhouse."
Pa thanks the neighbor and picks up two sticks of dynamite at the hardware store, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the corner of the outhouse. He lights them and then runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!
BOOM!!!
Off goes the first stick of dynamite and shoots the outhouse in the air.
BOOM!!!
Off goes the second stick of dynamite and spreads the shit all across the farm.
The outhouse comes crashing back down on the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you alright??!!"
As she tidies her dress she says, "Yeah, but boy howdy, I got here just in time, let me tell you!"


Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they came upon this harem with over 100 beautiful women.
They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will each die and in a way corres-ponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop," says the first man. "All right, shoot his penis off!", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a fireman," said the second man. "All right, burn his penis off!" said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a big smile on his face, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

That days worst joke:

what do you call the shit at the end of a fags dick? gay poopon. ha ha ha

*** *** ***

A Georgia woodpecker and a Kentucky woodpecker were arguing about which state had the toughest trees.
The Georgia woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Kentucky woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Georgia woodpecker was in awe. The Kentucky woodpecker then challenged the Georgia woodpecker to peck a tree in Kentucky that was absolutely un-peckable.
The Georgia woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Kentucky, the Georgia woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Kentucky woodpecker was able to peck the Georgia tree and the Georgia woodpecker was able to peck the Kentucky tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.


Doctor: "I'm afraid you've got SARS."
Patient: "Is there anything you can do?"
Doctor: "Well, first of all we're putting you on an all-pizza diet."
Patient: "Will that cure me?"
Doctor: "No... But we can slide them under the door!"

That days worst joke:

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam.
After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems.
I did notice one anomaly, however."
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
"That is amazing," said the doc. "I'd like to write this up for The New England Journal of Medicine if you don't mind."
She said, "OK."
"First of all" asked the doc, "how many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doc.
Running Doe replied....................
"We're called the Indian Nippleless Five Hundred."

*** *** ***

Q: What are the three two-letter words women use to describe a state of smallness?
A: "Is it in?"


A man walks into a whorehouse and asks to have the biggest, darkest-skinned black womam in the place. So the manager says: "Follow me."
The manager takes him to the second floor, opens the first door to his right and there is a beautiful 350 pound African American women. The man replies: "She's not big enough."
"Not big enough?!" the manager yells out.
"That is what I said. I need a women of at least 7oo pounds."
So the manager steps back, rubbing his chin, and says "Okay, come back in acouple of days and I'll see what I can do."
"Thank you," says the man.
A couple of days later the man comes back and the manager takes him to the second floor, opens the first door on his right and BOOM there she is, the exact kind of woman he wanted! The man tells the woman to get naked and lay on the bed spread eagle, so she does. The man stares at her pussy for ten solid minutes, then gets up and says "I'm done."
The manager hasn't even left the room by this point, so he says: "What do you mean you're done?"
"Well you see," came the reply, "I just painted my house black and I wanted to see what It would look like with pink shutters!"

That days worst joke:

Two queers are walking down the street when they see Tom Cruise go by in a limo.
"I've fucked him." Says one.
"No shit?" Asks the other.
"Well, not much."

*** *** ***

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said, "Where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "In Vietnam."


Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.
"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!"
"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.
"Where are you going?" Jane asked.
"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied.
Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep, with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.
"The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.
And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question. "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.
"Very good. Six seconds."
"Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

That days worst joke:

Q. What does a gay man call a dingal berry?
A. A crouton
You know tossing the salad, crouton... get it.

*** *** ***

Q: What's the best part about dating a homeless woman?
A: You can drop her off anywhere.


A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man. He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked: "Can you paint?"
"Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter."
"Well, here's a gallon of green paint and a brush. Go behind the house and you'll see a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you're done, I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth."
It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. "All finished!" he reported with a smile.
"Did you do a good job?" she asked.
"Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you. That's not a Porsche back there. That's a Mercedes!"

That days worst joke:

Two man were jailed for five years. One was Indian and
the other was an African. As they reached the prison
they were asked how they will spend their time in the
prison.
So the Indian said"I'll write a novel about Life In
Prison".
the African said"I 'll buy TAMPAX so i can be able to
go for horse riding and swimming while am in prison.

*** *** ***

God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."
God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect."
Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"
God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time."


A man goes to see the Rabbi.. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "yes", and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

That days worst joke:

At Jeffrey Dahmer's trial, the judge was so curious to what posessed Dahmer to consume his victims, that he asked him: "Mr. Dahmer, why did you eat your last lover?"
Dahmer replied: "Well your Honor... he was rottin in bed!"

*** *** ***

A guy and a girl are parked out in the sticks, making out. Just as things are getting really hot, she stops him and says, "I should have said something sooner, but I'm a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."
The guy pays her and they get back to buisness.After they finish,the guy leans back in the drivers seat and stares out the window. The girl says, "Why aren't we going anywhere?"
He says, "I should have said something sooner,but I'm a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is 25 bucks."


Harry answers the telephone, and it's an emergency room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news.
The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

That days worst jokes:

a sausage and an egg were being fried in a frying pan.
the egg said to the sausage "dont you think its hot in here?"
the sausage said "fuck me, a talking egg"

Q: whats the difference between a duck?
A: one of its legs are both the same!

Q: why are elephants large grey and wrinkly?
A: if they were small white and round, theyd be asprins

*** *** ***

God went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Germans asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the French asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
So He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Jews asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
So the Jews said, "How much are they?"
"They're free." the Lord replied.
"We'll take 10."


A pompous preacher was seated next to a Texas cowboy on a flight to Idaho. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would also like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely attacked by a brazen whore, than let liquor touch my lips."
"Hold on there, little lady," said the Texas cowboy as he handed his drink back to the flight attendant. "I didn't realize I had a choice!"

That days worst joke:

Three friends had been to camp. The tent was very small, therefore they had that to sleep well together, in the same mattress and with the same blanket. One happens, that one of the three had a famous insuport�vel and already bad breath, of the type "kill-vulture". Before that inevitable physical proximity, one of the friends made following the proposal:
- little breath, we go to combine thus: when you to need to say some thing, you beat palms than we we will hide ourselves underneath of the blanket to protect our nostrils
- little breath balanced the head agreeing. When already the three were duly covered and chemical preparations to sleep, little breath beats palms. The two friends, more than fast, underneath thread its heads of the blanket and, of there of the deep one, they cry out:
- It can speak, little breath!
- I snorted...


And a translation of that joke into english:

Three morons: Albert, Butch, and Charlie, were so poor they had to share a bed.
Worse, Charlie had chronic halitosis!
To protect themselves from Charlie's breath, Albert and Butch decreed that if he needed to say something in bed, Charlie had to give fair warning by clapping his hands twice to allow the others to duck under the covers.
All agreed and they settled down for sleep.
Suddenly Charlie clapped twice, and as arranged, Albert and Butch ducked under the covers.
Butch: (voice muffled): "Ok Charlie, you can talk now."
Charlie: "OK boys... I just farted!"


Thatll do for now

ROFL

I can't believe I just read through all of that. LoL Boredom at its finest! Most of them were pretty good, too!!

An elderly couple is sitting together watching television. During one of the commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial. "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year!"


A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a female patron. He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."
"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.

That days worst joke:

A fly was eating in a restaurant when he called the waiter over.
"My food tastes like shit!" he said to the waiter.
"Thank you sir! I'll pass your compliments on to the chef."

*** *** ***

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.
Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist puts down a fiver of his own, unzips his pants, slaps his dick on the counter, then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."


A man walks into a brothel and says to the Madame "I have heard about a girl who can give a blowjob and whistle at the same time, I want her." So the Madame calls over the girl and she takes him upstairs.
In the room, he asks "Can you really whistle while sucking dick?"
She says "Sure. Undo your pants while I turn out the light."
Not wanting to miss this he undoes his pants and waits. Suddenly, as he feels her mouth on his cock, he can hear her whistling. Oh, shit, the whistling is coming from her and she is sucking his dick! Out of sheer shock, he cums. Then he leaps off the bed to hit the lights (to make sure it was only them in the room), and as the lights turn on, the whore pops her glass eye back into her head.

That days worst joke:

Q. How many college fraternity boys does it take to screw in a light bulb??
A. College fraternity boys don't screw in light bulbs; they screw in puddles of vomit.

*** *** ***

A blonde calls United Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.


A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

That days worst joke:

Norman and his blonde wife live in Fargo. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park..", then the electricity goes out.
Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."
Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

*** *** ***

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lifestyles:
The one guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE.... ya know... Young, Urban Professional."
The second guy says, "I'm a DINK... ya know... Double Income, No Kids."
They asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE... ya know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."


Q: Name a wood that doesn't float.
A: Natalie Wood!
(i dont get it)
That days worst jokes:

Q: What were Jesus' last words on the cross?
A: This is a fucked-up way to spend Easter Vacation.
Q: What were the last words the centurion spoke to Jesus at the crucifixion?
A: Would you mind crossing your legs? I've only got three nails.

*** *** ***

One day a humped-back man was on his way home and he took a short cut through a graveyard. He passed an open grave and to his surprise Satan jumps out and says" give me your money!"
The man replies, " I have no money."
Satan says" give me your jewels!"
The man replies "I have no jewels."
"Well what do you have?" Satan asks.
"All I have," the man says, " is this hump on my back!"
"Give me that" Satan screams, and takes the hump off the mans back and the man straightens up and walked away cured. When he got home he told his friend, who had a pretty bad limp, about his experience with the devil. That next night his friend with the limp was walking home and took that same short cut through the cemetery and came across that open grave, and just like before Satan jumps out."Give me your money!"
"I have no money" the man says.
"Give me your jewels!" Satan screams.
"I have no jewels" the man simply replies.
"Well what do you have? Satan asks.
"All I have," the man answers, feeling pretty lucky" Is this limp."
"Oh," says Satan "Well, here's a hump to go with it!"


Two old men are sitting on a park bench.
One says to the other, "It sure is nice out tonight!"
To which the other replies "Yeah, but you better put it back in your pants, cuz here comes a policeman!"

That days worst joke:

a woman walks into a bar and says... i'll fuck the shit out of the man that has the biggest cock in this bar, and if you are good i'll bring my girlfriend next time. so one by one evryone stars to pull their cock out to see if she will take him home. finally after everyone is done showing what they have, a black dude wins her emotions. they get home ,have a couple of drinks.... finally she gets off the couch and tells him tie me up, tie me up, so the black dude ties her up in the bed. she then yells at him and tells him ok you big cock bastard do what you do best..... so he stole the tv set!

*** *** ***

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."


All evening long four cardplayers had been pestered by a busybody who commented on everyone's hand and style of play. When he went out of the room for a moment, they hit on a plan to silence him.
"Let's make up a game no one ever heard of," one of them said. "Then he'll have to shut up."
The busybody returned. The dealer tore two cards in half and gave them to the man on his left. He tore the corners off three cards and spread them out in front of the man opposite him. Then he tore five cards in quarters, gave 15 pieces to the man on his right and kept five himself.
"I have a mingle," he said. "I'll bet a dollar."
"I have a snazzle," the next man announced. "I'll raise you a dollar."
The third man folded without betting, and the fourth, after much deliberation, said, "I've got a farfle. I'll raise you two dollars."
The busybody shook his head vehemently. "You're crazy," he said. "You're never going to beat a mingle and a snazzle with a lousy farfle!"

That days worst joeks:

Q: How do you make a Cuban cry?
A: Show him a small raft and tell him its time to go back.
Q: How do you tell the difference between one Chinese person to another?
A: That's not a joke. I'm really asking. I don't know how to do it!
Q: When is the only time an irishman is sober?
A: At his funeral.
Q: What is the best part about living in Iraq?
A: You can beat your wife!

*** *** ***

For his 7th birthday little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bike.
His father said, "Son, we'd like to get you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door lugging a suitcase full of his toys and clothes. So he asked him, "Son, where are you going with that stuff?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell Mom you were pulling out. And then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And so I'll be darned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage, and no bike."


A man went to a whorehouse once a month and paid $200.00 for a girl. On one visit the madam told him she had something special for $500.00.
The man almost backed out when he saw the girl wasn't any better looking than the $200.00 whores. Then the girl opened her legs and the tune "Hello Dolly" came out.
The man was amazed and made arrangements to take the girl home for the night. He didn't fuck her - he just sat listening. At 5am he called his best friend in New York and told him to listen.
The girls legs opened and the song came out. When it was over the man asked his friend what he thought. His friend snapped "I can't believe you called me at this hour to hear some **** sing "Hello Dolly!"

That days worst joke:

A woman (prostitute) had sex with a man who was a lawyer. After committing sex, the lawyer doesn't pay her money which was agreed between them. She goes to the court and files a case against him.
JUDGE asks the lawyer, what is the matter ? The lawyer was ashamed and he didn't want to disclose the real story so he replies in code word that sir I took her room (pussy) on rent but I didn't pay her the rent due to these 3 reasons.
1. It was totally wet from inside.
2. It had the bathroom with the main door.
3. The room was too big for me.
The judge asks woman, that he has got the right reasons. You can't blame him to pay you the rent. What do you say ?
The woman replies, Sir, It was true that the room was wet, but when he entered, he made it more wet. Secondly he claims that the bathroom was with the main door. If it won't be here so will it be on the road. And the last objection was that the room was too big for him but when he entered into the room his two suitcases were outside.

*** *** ***

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies: "Because he's a fucking liar."


A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look on his face.
"Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again!"
"What dream?" asked the psychiatrist.
"You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I just beating a dead horse?"

That days worst joke:
(jerky says: Today's worst joke was sent in by Brian Smith, and yer old pal Jerky couldn't tell if it was supposed to be a joke or what. So he's sticking it here.)

Hey Jerky,
What is the difference between a Latino, Hispanic, Spanish or Mexican type person?
Have any idea?

*** *** ***

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and the other one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.
The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she isn't hearing anything from the blondes upstairs.She decides to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them.
The brunette says, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"


One morning on a cold winter day, President Bush arose and walked out to retrieve the morning paper. Outside, he noticed a yellow message in the snow that said "George Bush SUCKS!"
Disgusted, Dubya kicked snow over it, shrugged his shoulders and went along with his day.
The next day, Dubya arose to get the paper again and noticed the same message!
This time he was furious and called in the FBI for a thorough investigation. Three days later, the agent assigned to the case came in to give the President his findings.
"Mr. President, we have good news and bad news," the agent said. "Gimme the good news first," Dubya replied.
"The good news is we took a sample of the urine and the lab was able to determine that it belonged to Al Gore."
The President asked: "Well, what's the bad news?"
"Mr President sir, the bad news is that our handwriting experts have determined that your wife wrote the message."

That days worst joke:

Q: Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake the excorist?
A: Its about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son!

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