Todays dd jokes (and yesterdays) - TranceAddict Forums

TranceAddict Forums (www.tranceaddict.com/forums)
- Humour / Funny Stuff / Cool Web Sites
-- Todays dd jokes (and yesterdays)

Posted by DJ-Fuq on Oct-09-2003 15:09:

Todays dd jokes (and yesterdays)

Missed a day..

A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify her request.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said: "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "You want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my nipples."

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Thomas Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?!"

Yesterdays worst joke:

Two Indians and a Texan Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave. the Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo!Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....
(Get ready - this will kill ya),
*
... NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN ...

*** *** ***

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a long white robe.
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man never answered but just kept staring ahead.
Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president.
Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?"
The secret service agent agreed with the President.
"Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!"
Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" And again the man stared ahead.
The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!"

A woman carrying her six month old baby in her arms and accompanied by her three year old son went into a public washroom in France.
The little boy pointed out the bidet and asked: "Mummy, is this to wash the baby in?"
"No Patrick," she replied, "this is to wash the baby out!"

Todays worst joke:

A young man meets the daughter of the Goldenberg rabbi and wants to marry her.
This needs the authorization of the father. He makes his official request to the girl's father. The rabbi explains to him: "We are Jewish and we have particular way of doing things. If you want to marry my girl you must initially pass a small test. Take this orange and return tomorrow."
"The guy leaves the place extremely surprised. The following day he returns to see the rabbi.
"Very well, what did you do with the orange?"
"I ate it, I was hungry."
The rabbi says: "Very bad! You see, with us it is different, we peel the orange and with the skin we make a delicious liquor. We cut then orange in two, we give half to the poor and other half to the family. Half of the pips let us sell at the market, other half let us keep we them to plant. You see how we are? I will give you another opportunity. Take this sausage and return tomorrow."
The guy leaves, in bad temper and returns the following day.
"What have you done with the sausage?"
"With the cord, I made laces for my shoes, with the small engraved metal I made a pendant for your daughter. I cut it sausage in two, I gave half to the poor and the other half I distributed in the family."
"Very well done!" The rabbi is overjoyed. "And what did you make with the skin?"
"With the skin I made a condom, I used it for FUCKING your daughter and I have brought you the SPERM to make your daily bowl of yoghourt."

Posted by victor on Oct-09-2003 15:17:

Re: Todays dd jokes (and yesterdays)

quote:
Originally posted by DJ-Fuq
Missed a day..

A young man meets the daughter of the Goldenberg rabbi and wants to marry her.
This needs the authorization of the father. He makes his official request to the girl's father. The rabbi explains to him: "We are Jewish and we have particular way of doing things. If you want to marry my girl you must initially pass a small test. Take this orange and return tomorrow."
"The guy leaves the place extremely surprised. The following day he returns to see the rabbi.
"Very well, what did you do with the orange?"
"I ate it, I was hungry."
The rabbi says: "Very bad! You see, with us it is different, we peel the orange and with the skin we make a delicious liquor. We cut then orange in two, we give half to the poor and other half to the family. Half of the pips let us sell at the market, other half let us keep we them to plant. You see how we are? I will give you another opportunity. Take this sausage and return tomorrow."
The guy leaves, in bad temper and returns the following day.
"What have you done with the sausage?"
"With the cord, I made laces for my shoes, with the small engraved metal I made a pendant for your daughter. I cut it sausage in two, I gave half to the poor and the other half I distributed in the family."
"Very well done!" The rabbi is overjoyed. "And what did you make with the skin?"
"With the skin I made a condom, I used it for FUCKING your daughter and I have brought you the SPERM to make your daily bowl of yoghourt."

mint!!!!!!

Posted by Bullet on Oct-09-2003 18:27:

lol good job. some r pretty cool !

Posted by Trazedict on Oct-10-2003 01:07:

those were good. but just a lil tip maybe. could you put the date of the jokes in the subject line? cuz i dont know if this was yesterday's jokes or what not cuz u use the same subject line.

Posted by Izzy on Oct-10-2003 01:12:

Re: Todays dd jokes (and yesterdays)

quote:
Originally posted by DJ-Fuq

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Thomas Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?!"

i dont get it

Posted by DJ-Fuq on Oct-10-2003 01:22:

quote:
Originally posted by Trazedict
those were good. but just a lil tip maybe. could you put the date of the jokes in the subject line? cuz i dont know if this was yesterday's jokes or what not cuz u use the same subject line.

Ok, ill change it a bit as well. Ill just do a straight copy/paste showing who sent the joke and jerkys comments

Posted by DJ-Fuq on Oct-10-2003 01:23:

Re: Re: Todays dd jokes (and yesterdays)

quote:
Originally posted by Izzy

i dont get it

He thought she was saying his balls werent hanging right

Posted by DJ-Fuq on Oct-10-2003 01:27:

quote:
Originally posted by DJ-Fuq
Ok, ill change it a bit as well. Ill just do a straight copy/paste showing who sent the joke and jerkys comments

So todays would look like this:

Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Jerry Moore.

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a long white robe.
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man never answered but just kept staring ahead.
Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president.
Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?"
The secret service agent agreed with the President.
"Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!"
Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" And again the man stared ahead.
The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!"

*** *** ***

Thanks to our old pal Gail for sending in today's second joke.

A woman carrying her six month old baby in her arms and accompanied by her three year old son went into a public washroom in France.
The little boy pointed out the bidet and asked: "Mummy, is this to wash the baby in?"
"No Patrick," she replied, "this is to wash the baby out!"

WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
Today's worst joke was sent in by Naveed Zafar.

A young man meets the daughter of the Goldenberg rabbi and wants to marry her.
This needs the authorization of the father. He makes his official request to the girl's father. The rabbi explains to him: "We are Jewish and we have particular way of doing things. If you want to marry my girl you must initially pass a small test. Take this orange and return tomorrow."
"The guy leaves the place extremely surprised. The following day he returns to see the rabbi.
"Very well, what did you do with the orange?"
"I ate it, I was hungry."
The rabbi says: "Very bad! You see, with us it is different, we peel the orange and with the skin we make a delicious liquor. We cut then orange in two, we give half to the poor and other half to the family. Half of the pips let us sell at the market, other half let us keep we them to plant. You see how we are? I will give you another opportunity. Take this sausage and return tomorrow."
The guy leaves, in bad temper and returns the following day.
"What have you done with the sausage?"
"With the cord, I made laces for my shoes, with the small engraved metal I made a pendant for your daughter. I cut it sausage in two, I gave half to the poor and the other half I distributed in the family."
"Very well done!" The rabbi is overjoyed. "And what did you make with the skin?"
"With the skin I made a condom, I used it for FUCKING your daughter and I have brought you the SPERM to make your daily bowl of yoghourt."

Posted by Izzy on Oct-10-2003 05:15:

Re: Re: Re: Todays dd jokes (and yesterdays)

quote:
Originally posted by DJ-Fuq
He thought she was saying his balls werent hanging right

thanks for clearing it up... eh, i still like the other jokes better.

Posted by magik_ss on Oct-10-2003 15:19:

I like the last one!!!!
Nice touch!!!

Posted by dj_mdma on Oct-13-2003 15:03:

hehe the last one is great