Jokes part 136 (18+) - TranceAddict Forums

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-- Jokes part 136 (18+)

Posted by jp on Nov-02-2003 14:42:

Jokes part 136 (18+)

There was a farmer who owned a bull and a female cow and was trying desperately to mate the two. No matter what he did the bull didn't want any.

Finally he went to a friend who claimed to have had the same problem. So he asked him what could he do. The friend told him that he had to stick his arm up the cows pussy and rub it on the bull's nose. After doing so the bull went crazy and started humping the cow over and over.

With the success of the bull the farmer starts to wonder if this will work for him. So that night he gets in bed and starts playing with his wife. He rubs his nose with his hand and gets the biggest boner he has ever gotten.

He wakes his wife and tells her to look. She looks, and with a mean look on her face says, "You woke me up to show me that you have a bloody nose."

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A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."

He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."

The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

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Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

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Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

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Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers. The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.

The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."

The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."

The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "fuck me then!" The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.

The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the gentlman and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.

The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

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Brent has been in jail for 10 long years.

The only thought that gets him through the day is women's bellybuttons. He loves 'em. When he's in the shower, eating a meal, making license plates, sleeping, avoiding anal rape in the bathroom, that's all he can think about.

So finally, he is released. They give hime sixty-five dollars, a cheap suit, and send him on his way. He makes an immediate bee-line for the nearest whorehouse.

Brent walks in and right up to the sleazy-looking guy behind the desk. "I need to lick a woman's navel!" he shouts.

"Sorry, sir," the owner says. "We don't serve perverts here."

Brent grabs the guy by the throat. "Listen!" he screams. "I just did ten years hard time, and if I don't get to lick some bellybuttons, I might just kill some-motherfuckin'-body!!!"

The owner directs him to a run-down wooden door. He walks through and sees an ugly, fat woman. That doesn't bother Brent, though, because not only does she have huge breasts, she has the deepest navel he's ever seen.

Brent dives in immediately. He licks, and licks, and licks.....and after a while, gets a piece of potato stuck in his teeth. 'Hmmm, I don't remember having potatoes for breakfast,' he thinks, but he keeps on goin'.

He licks, and licks, and licks.....and after a while, he gets a piece of meat stuck in his teeth. 'I know I haven't eaten meat for a while,' he thinks, but keeps right on goin'.

He licks, and licks, and licks.....and after a while, he gets a piece of corn in his teeth. That was the last straw. "I think I'm going to be sick, he moans."

"That's funny," says the whore. "That's what the last guy said."

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A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach. On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.

The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.

The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon. Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"

The wife again refuses.

This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her, and each morning the wife would refuse. However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"

The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" she asks, hesitantly.

"I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon."

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This guy is really horny, but all he has is two dollars. He goes to the nearest whore house and says to the man working there,

"Look, I`m really horny, but all I have is two dollars. What can I get?"

"Well, the cheapest we have is one hundred dollars. But I`ll cut you a deal on two conditions. For two dollars, I`ll let you go down two doors on the right, but you have to wear a black condom, and leave the lights out!"

The horny man agrees and goes two doors down on the right with the black condom on and the lights out. A while later he comes back out and says to the man working there, "Man, that was the best sex I`ve ever had, but why did I have to wear the black condom?"

"Well, you gotta show some respect for the dead!"