Jokes part 139 - TranceAddict Forums

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Posted by jp on Nov-03-2003 08:12:

Jokes part 139

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard, or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was actually quite desirable. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she said. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Love me hard and long or climb the ladder to success" she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello," the ugly fat man said. "My name's Cess!"

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It seems that a man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed.

"Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

The waiter replies: "I don't know about the other guys but I use the spoon"

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The Queen and Princess Di were driving down the road in their Range Rover when they were stopped and accosted by a modern day highway man.

"Hand over all your cash", he demanded of the Queen.

"My dear man" replied the Queen, "I am the Queen of all England, and therefore do not need to carry any money."

"OK, OK" he said, turning to Princess Di. "In that case you can hand over all of your jewels".

"I have no need for Jewels" she boasted, "for I am the most beautiful woman in England".

By this time the highway man was getting a bit pissed off. "Right then" he said. "Get out of the car and I'll take that instead".

And shortly he was driving off into the sunset. Left sitting on the grass verge, Princess Di turned to the Queen and asked, "Where on earth did you hide all that money you were carrying?"

"I stuffed it up my snatch laughed the Queen. "But what about you. Where did you manage to stash all your jewels."

"I stuffed them up my snatch as well", tittered Di.

"It's a shame Fergie wasn't with us" mused the Queen. "We might have been able to save the Range Rover".

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An Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer were sitting together in a carriage in a train. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carraiges and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking, "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."

Claudia Schiffer was thinking, "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."

And the Irishman was thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again."

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Three Canadian guys, a Newfie, a Quebecer and an Albertan are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total", says the genie.

The Newfie says, "I'm a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."

With a blink of the genie's eye, the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Quebecer was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Quebec, so that nothing will get in for all eternity."

Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around Quebec.

The Albertan asks, "I'm curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

The Albertan says, "Fill it up with water."

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Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet in Saddam's Palace for a round of talks in a new peace process.

When Bill Clinton sits down he notices that on the arm of Saddam's armchair there are three buttons. They begin talking, and five minutes into the discussion Saddam presses the first button and a boxing glove springs out from nowhere and punches Bill in the face.

Saddam finds this very amusing and begins to chuckle. Mr Clinton ignores this in a hope to find peace.

Five minutes later Saddam presses the second button, which causes a boot to come out from under the table and kick Clinton in the shin.

At this point Saddam is in fits of laughter nearly falling out of his seat. Clinton is a tad pissed off but says to himself, "What the hell, if we can make peace then it will all be worthwhile."

They continue their discussions and not five minutes later Saddam presses the third button which causes a boot to come out from under the table and repeatedly kick Clinton in the balls.

Clinton turns round to Saddam, who has finally fallen from his chair and is rolling around the floor in fits of laughter, and Clinton says, "I've had enough of this. I'm going back to Washington. We'll talk about this in a couple of weeks," and he storms out of the palace.

Two weeks later Saddam has come to the White House to finish off the talks. When he sits down he notices that there are three similar buttons on Bill Clinton's chair to the one he has.

Saddam thinks to himself, "Clinton is obviously looking for revenge since he visited my palace, but I'm prepared."

They begin talking and Bill Clinton presses the first button. Saddam ducks, expecting to be hit, and Clinton bursts into laughter, but nothing happens to Saddam. A few seconds pass and the talk restarts, then Clinton presses the second button. Saddam jumps out of his chair to dodge any oncoming attack and Clinton starts laughing again, but still nothing happens to Saddam.

Saddam sits back down, and as soon as he's sitting, Clinton presses the third button. Saddam dives to the floor, Clinton is laughing hysterically, but still nothing happens.

Saddam decides that he's had enough of this game and says, "Fuck this, I'm going back to Baghdad."

Through tears of laughter Clinton says, "What Baghdad?"

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It's a troubled day in heaven.

God summons St.Peter and said, "St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a number of high profile candidates waiting at the gates, and we are suffering from falling popularity. So, I'm going to throw out Mother Teresa and let in one of the celebrities at the gate. You'll have to go and decide who is most suitable".

St. Peter goes down to the pearly gates and finds Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and Princess Di waiting for him. He says, "I'm afraid I can only let one of you in, so each of you must come up with a reason for admission into heaven."

Freddie says, "I've been gifted with one of the most beautiful voices to ever grace the earth. I'll spend my time in heaven singing praises to God with the choirs of angels. Heaven will never have sounded better."

Gianni says, "I was earth's greatest designer. I will outfit the cherubs and angels in all the latest fashions - long silky gowns, satin cloaks and nightwear spun from the very clouds we stand on. Heaven will never have looked better."

Diana blushes a little, looks around nervously and seems unable to find something suitable to say. Suddenly, she strips off her skirt and panties, whips out a bottle of Perrier, shakes it up and douches with it.

St. Peter says, "Ok, Diana, you may enter. Have a nice day!" Freddie and Gianni are mortified. "What's going on here??

We could make heaven look and sound better than ever before, and she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, but she gets in and we don't!!!"

St. Peter just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Sorry guys, but a royal flush beats a pair of queens any day."

Posted by monoxide on Nov-03-2003 09:51:

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAH....
i almost cried when i was reading the 1rst one....
more jp, more.... these are amazing jokes!