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Rules for crapping at work
Im sure some of you have seen this so if u have dont go ape shit
Its still funny
RULES FOR CRAPPING AT WORK
Memorize these definitions, and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
CRACK WHORE
A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
HAVANA OMELET
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.
POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
WATERMELON
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WAERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
ADDITIONS FROM -Todd
THE STALEMATE
Is when you and another guy are in the stall at the same time, and neither of you wants to crap first, which leads to the ICEBREAKER
THE ICEBREAKER
The first one to drop a bomb when there is an aforementioned STALEMATE... be careful how ever, you don't want to get caught up in a FALSE START
FALSE START
When you hear someone go into the stall next to you, and you perform an ICEBREAKER to get the hell outta there, but they were really just getting TP for blowing their nose.
THE WALLET-CHECKER
Aimilar to the LABEL-READER (reading labels of cleaners or air-fresheners located around the throne) at home, when you forget to bring something to read in the stall, you are limited to checking your wallet to see what needs to be thrown out, how much money you have (reading serial numbers on paper money optional), old pictures, etc...
THE PROMOTION-KILLER
After you drop a bomb, you come out of the stall to see your CEO, or boss, washing their hands or doing whatever in the bathroom, the smell of your exorcism still lingering in the air, you will go nowhere in this company, get another job
Bwahaha I love this. The escapee is the best description by far. I love the flash of embarassment as described as passing a cop! FUCKING RIGHT ON correct hehe.
My workmates at this place I worked at once got done because the cleaner found a phatt-ass turd in the waste paper bin!!!
EEEEUUWWWWWWW!!!!
Those are f$cking hilarious!
Re: Rules for crapping at work
| quote: |
| Originally posted by EliPsE ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. and identify SAFE HAVENS. |
i was all pissed today cause i had to drop one of my classes.....but this just totally made my day!!!
uncle teds are the worst, esp for men cause guys shouldn't be at the mirror for that long
crapping at work is sweet tho because you still get paid 
I appear to be an uncle ted... when i dump that is.
LMFAO @ Pooping Friends Network
LOL @ the stalemate!
I was caught in one at work, cuz in the bathroom there you can hear everything with crystal clarity, it almost amplifies the sound.. so on a real gassy day i was afraid of deafening the guy beside me by letting it out...
These are funny... sure I saw a list somewhere else a while ago, that had different definitions, it was really funny too
Ah well, I go to school so I don't really experience that kinda thing, here theres only one stall that nobody dares take a crap at, its really dark and horrible in there, and the lock doesn't work and there's hardly ever TP...
turd buglrs hahahahhaha classic...this has got to be the funniest fuckin thing ive read in a long time
Re: Re: Rules for crapping at work
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Mebot AHAHAAAHA no way man! if I ever hear someone in the john let one rip, i bust out laughing every time! and if its me I laugh even harder! haha good stuff! |
ROFL!!!!!! Walk of Shame! bwahahahahhahahahaha
FUCKING CLASSIC!!!
On campus here there are hundreds of bathrooms. There is this one particular tiny one that nobody uses, a real "Safe Haven" because who doesn't like a little peace and quiet whilst doing their business?
This reminds me of when I lived in rez... there was me and one other guy ("PFN" as you might say) who would always go all the way down to the basement of the building to use the bathroom there, because nobody ever went in there, it was a nice BIG stall and total peace and quiet! We hated the ones on our floors, nasty!
Editors note: both of us using it does NOT imply the use of it together.
Re: Rules for crapping at work
| quote: |
| Originally posted by EliPsE THE PROMOTION-KILLER After you drop a bomb, you come out of the stall to see your CEO, or boss, washing their hands or doing whatever in the bathroom, the smell of your exorcism still lingering in the air, you will go nowhere in this company, get another job |
Hillarious, I love how he ties togethor the watermellon with the camo cough.
brilliant
LMFAO!!! I had seen these a long time ago but forgot a lot of them. I like the additions! I think it would be funny if everyone started replying with their own additions. I'll go first. Here is mine:
ETERNAL FECAL SMEAR: When nearly a whole roll of toilet paper is used in vain to get your ass clean. You feel your different from the rest as you ask WTF is wrong with me that I'm about done with an entire roll and everytime I wipe I still keep seeing shit.
SULFURIC DEATH BOMB: A stench emitted from a protein shake\milk combo that would knock a Russian beer fart into next week. The shit produced from the death bomb does not float, rather it sinks straight to the bottom of the bowl. The stink will burn your throat and singe your nosehair.
I realized after writing these they don't really apply to the workplace but its the best I could come up with at the moment.
Ok now someone else add something...
hahahahaha! fukkin hilarious..this really cracked me up!
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I hate shittin in bowls other than my own.
omfg so true and so funny!
| quote: |
| Originally posted by X-Multiply LMFAO!!! I had seen these a long time ago but forgot a lot of them. I like the additions! I think it would be funny if everyone started replying with their own additions. I'll go first. Here is mine: ETERNAL FECAL SMEAR: When nearly a whole roll of toilet paper is used in vain to get your ass clean. You feel your different from the rest as you ask WTF is wrong with me that I'm about done with an entire roll and everytime I wipe I still keep seeing shit. SULFURIC DEATH BOMB: A stench emitted from a protein shake\milk combo that would knock a Russian beer fart into next week. The shit produced from the death bomb does not float, rather it sinks straight to the bottom of the bowl. The stink will burn your throat and singe your nosehair. I realized after writing these they don't really apply to the workplace but its the best I could come up with at the moment. Ok now someone else add something... |
Thought of another
RIM JOB - Taking a sh** at a crapper that is missing the toilet seat
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