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Rave Wars

>> click for theme music <<


Not so long ago, in our galaxy...


Alright troopers, we are to capture Mandy. Do not let her escape. Do not fail me.

Yes, my lord.

[After learning of Vader's intentions to capture her...]

They'll never catch me. Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far far away from here. Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far far away from here.

[Her wish is granted]

...

...

... Er, I wanted you to turn me into a bird so I can fly far, far far away from here.

So sorry... God's busy right now. This is all I can manage, I am still a newbee.

Give me your wings bitch! Come here I say!

Bye!!!

Come back. Come back. [sob sob] I need wings! Come back! [sob sob]

I can give you wings. But you have to trade me your soul for it.

Let me have a think about it...

-------------------------

[Sound of footsteps approaching]


We have narrowed her location. Inspect the premises thoroughly!

O.K. Dammit!!! Give me my wings.

Your wish is my command. Heheee, heheee. I have Mandy's soul! Heheeheeheee.

Now, give me my wings. Give me my wings, I say!!!

.......

There she is! Quick men, grab her!

You didn't think wings magically appear do you? I've placed an order. Your wings will arrive in approx. two weeks. Bye.

Hey! What am I gonna do? The startroopers are closing in. Better hide... Dj QT's penguin fluffy toys! I'll hide amongst them!

1 ... [dumbfounded] That's funny. She was here a moment ago. Damn! Penguins are so smart. All I see here are fluffy penguin toys, crates of records, and one very drunk DJ lying in the corner over there.
Man, Vader is gonna be pissed! He'll kill us, nooooo.

2 We better not go back empty handed. We'll take that DJ over there. He must be a friend. He may know Mandy's whereabouts. Help me lift him, troopers.

What the fu�k? Where are you taking me? Hey!!! Let me loose. Who are you... Oh I see must be a rave on. Matt, is that you? Bet that one in the middle is Dale? Very funny guys. I can't go in these clothes, let me change first.

3 Be quiet. Or we will have to use force.

Hmmm... Doesn't sound like anybody I know. Who could it b[smack]? [unconscious]

4 These DJ's never listen. One time I requested my favourite song, William Orbit's "Adagio For Strings", the DJ nodded and said she would play it. I kept on getting hyped up thinking it is going to be the next track. But she never played it. The party finished and the DJ never played my song. I was so furious. That's why I joined the darkside.
Why did you join the darkside trooper?

1 I had the misfortune of not ever having drank Mother's milk. She couldn't bear the pain, so she gave me infant formula. And very cheap infant formula at that! When Vader's army came, she sold me to them.

2 I sorta understand. My ex-gf never let me suck on her titties. She was always so precious about them. "No, you will leave bitemarks." Or "No, I might get cancer!" Or "Is that all you think about? Is that all I am to you? A pair of breasts???" So I dumped her and joined Vader's elite troops.

3 Ooooh, that tops even mine. I joined the darkside simply because I needed the money. My hometown is a barren wasteland. When Vader's troopers came and destroyed what little there was of my town, I did nothing. I went up to Vader and said, "Let me join you." He said, "What use have I got for a bum like you?" And I said on bended knee, "I will serve and honour you, Master." and he laughed. He said, "Kill him!" But one of his high-ranking officials said, "Forgive me, my Lord. But I think he might prove to be useful." Vader said, "Very well!" And that's how I became one of Vader's troopers. Been a trooper for 20 glorious years. I have invaded hundreds of planets, killed millions of lives, and I think that very soon I too will have the power.

1 You'll never gain the power.

3 Wanna bet?!

[wakes up] Huh, what the? Why did you[smack]? [unconscious]

Good. They are gone. Safe!!! For now anyway. I wonder what they want from me? Damn that devil. He has my soul. And he didn't fulfill his end of the bargain. Why did I ever trade? What am I gonna do now? [sob, sob] I'm hungry...

What do penguins eat? Better do a search on the web... Ladiladila. Ah here we go. NOOOOOO!!! I DON'T like Sushi! Where the hell am I going to find fish?

Hello. I'll trade you some fish for your soul.

Hey you! I want my soul back. You never gave me my wings.

Huh??!!?? [checks his "Book Of Soul Records"] Oh, hahah! How forgetful of me. Seems I already own you Mandy, haha. You can't have any fish then. Bye.

Where are my wings???

They'll arrive in about two weeks. C-YA!!!

How rude!!! I guess I'll have to adjust to living the life of a penguin for a little while. It's not so bad. I can withstand extreme cold temperatures, look very smartly dressed - I can probably get into those yuppie clubs now, I can swim better now and I'm cute too. Still don't know how I'm going to eat raw fish though.... I can handle not being able to fly. But raw fish? It hurts to even think about it. Yuck!!!

------------------------------

[Aboard the startrooper transporter]

1 Been reading Vogue magazine. It says here that there is a lot of importance in where objects are placed, what direction they face, etc. These things can have a drastic effect on the karma that is generated.

2 Feng Shui. That's so old. What edition of Vogue magazine are you reading?

1 Er... August 2002. I stole this from that house. Had a really sexy looking girl on the cover. Reminds me of my mum. Oh how I long to taste mother's milk...

3 Spare us from your stories. We've heard it hundreds of times already. Feng Shui is just like Astrology. You are so darn stupid!

1 Feng Shui works if you believe in it. You know if you gave it a go, maybe you might even start gaining some of the Dark Force's powers.

2 What is it with women's magazines? Every other page you see some half-naked 16 year old advertising some kind of cosmetic product and underwear.

1 That's why I grabbed it! One day I am going to marry a beautiful 16 year old and exploit her body to the max.

3 I'm telling ya, Feng Shui is a sham. The only real magic out there is the Force.

1 Why is it that after 20 years serving the Imperial Army, you still have no powers? Aren't you getting tired of all this? How old are you now, exactly?

2 Yeah, how old are you exactly?

[Aboard the Star Destroyer MKII]

I have sent my very best troops to find Mandy. They will not fail you Master. We have known her whereabouts for quite some time now. We should hear of the results very soon. [huff puff, huff puff]

DO NOT FAIL ME. THE FUTURE OF THE EMPIRE DEPENDS ON HER CAPTURE. SHE MUST NOT ESCAPE! MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARRANGE FOR HER QUICK TRANSPORTATION TO ME. I AM GETTING VERY IMPATIENT!!!

Yes, Master. [huff puff, huff puff]

Now on more casual matters. Are you still shaving your arse next to the skin like I taught you?

Yes, Master. [huff puff, huff puff]

Very good. I've always insisted that everyone in my Imperial Army are hairless. We don't want people to think that we evolved from apes now do we? We are the greater species. So we must maintain our professional image.

Yes, Master. [huff puff, huff puff]

Well, that's all for today. I will speak to you soon. Tempus fugit!

Yes, Master. [huff puff, huff puff] [runs to the toilet]

[starts to take a shit] That man just never shuts up! I almost shit my pants. Arrrgh, I hate it when you are having a convo with someone important but you are really desperate to go, you know?

[plonk... plonk...]

I think he's getting crazier as he ages. He never used to care about hair so much. And this ape business? I genuinely think that we evolved over millions of years. But NOT according to our Master! No! Must I change all my beliefs and learning simply to please him?

[plonk... plonk...]

>> click for theme music <<

[Training floor on the Death Star MKII]





We only do what we've been told
[repeat]
We will serve till we get old
[repeat]

The Imperial Army is the best
[repeat]
We always past every test
[repeat]

1 2 3 4
1 2 3 4
1 2.....
3 4.....

When Vader tells us to lick our ass
[repeat]
We do it all in time, en mass
[repeat]

We are evil and we are cruel
[repeat]
All the galaxy, we will rule
[repeat]

1 2 3 4
1 2 3 4
1 2 . . . .
3 4 . . . .

[Back on Earth]

[Calls 0409 162 332] Hello. Yes my name is Mandy. I was just wondering if you would like to take me out to dinner? You would?! Great, I'll meet you outside The Terriyaki Terrace, say 7:00 pm. Great! O.K. Bye Mel!
That's how you get a date, girls!!!

I suppose I better get going and give meself a headstart. These little webbed feet of mine aren't exactly rocket engines. Off to Terriyaki Terrace then. Hey, I'm already dressed!!! What a bonus!!! Ladiladila...

-------------------------

[Aboard the Star Destroyer MKII]

Maybe it's the curry?

[plonk, plonk]

Or the way I eat in a hurry?

[plonk, plonk]

For sure, I know I'll never marry!

[plonk, plonk]

I'm just not your average Larry!

[plonk, plonk]

[Aboard the Startrooper's transporter]

1 Phoar! Take a look at this lads. The sealed middle section of Vogue has a tutorial on cunnilingus. This is so farkin' sweet. Stealin' this mag was the best idea that ever came into my head!

2 I couldn't agree more. Now give us a look see. [tries to grab the mag, but misses and accidently grabs the troopers balls] Sorry 'bout that mate. Come on!!! Just a tiny peak. I'll give you my Michael Jordan "In His Prime" poster, just for a peek.

1 Really? Alright. How about you? What will you give me for a peek?

3 Not really that interested. I'm pretty tired. I should be getting to my comatic chamber now.

2 Oh go on. Give him somethin' so we can have a look see. You know you want to see it. Give him your...

1 Just admit that Feng Shui is real and you can have a look see.

-------------------------

[Aboard the Star Destroyer MKII]

NOT!!! Average Joe, I am not.

[plonk, plonk]

Because I have achieved a lot.

[plonk, plonk]

Destroyed many stars and many planets

[plonk, plonk]

Didn't do it for any Janets.

[plonk, plonk]

I'm supreme. I am prime!

[plonk, plonk]

The absolute best at commiting crime. Ahhh!!! That was intense. What da fuc... Hey!!! SOMEBODY GET ME SOME TOILET PAPER!!!

-------------------------

[Back on Earth]

Here we are, the Terriyaki Terrace. Boy am I hungry. Eating sushi does not seem so bad now. Where the hell is Mel??? It's 7:00 pm. Why are boys always late??? Hmmph!!!

...

Excuse me? Are you Mel? (Man, this is stupid. They all look alike. Should have asked him what he was going to wear.) Are you Mel???

I'm hearing voices again??? I should maybe ease on my medication.

Mel! Down here!!! At your feet. Wah!!! Careful, don't tread on me!!!

Huh? Are you Mandy? Why, you are a penguin? I'm having dinner with a penguin? I'm afraid they don't let animals in the restaurant, Mandy. No dogs, and no penguins. Unless you are on the menu, of course. Come, let's go back to my place where I will make you dinner. I'll even carry you there. O.K. Let's go.

[Aboard the Starship Destroyer MKII]

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU NEED ANOTHER SHIPMENT OF TOILET PAPER?! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CARGO SHIP-FULL I SENT YOU A WEEK AGO? I AM NOT IMPRESSED! THIS IS NOT VERY PROFESSIONAL, VADER!

Yes, Master. The Rebel Alliance hijacked that cargo, master. It never reached us safely. We have been tiolet paper-free for two weeks now.

THIS JUST WON'T DO! I AM SORRY. BUT YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO FIND YOUR OWN SUPPLY OF TOILET PAPER YOURSELF. OUR FINANCES ARE BEING EATEN UP WITH WEAPONS RESEARCH AT THE MOMENT. TOILET PAPER IS JUST NOT ON THE AGENDA ANYMORE. TELL YOUR MEN TO JUST USE THEIR HANDS FOR THE MEANTIME.

As you wish. My Lord.

Now. If there is nothing else, I shall be getting my beauty sleep now. Being an Emperor is so tiring. Good night, Vader.

Good night. My Lord.

>> click for theme music <<

[Aboard the startrooper transporter]

1 To arouse your interest a little bit, let me quote some text from this "Idiot's Guide To Cunnilingus":

(1) First set the scene by dimming the lights and lighting a few candles. Some aromatic oils and incense can also help, but first ensure that your partner won't be allergic to these mood enhancers. There's nothing more off-putting than a nose irritation or itchy skin.

(2) The precursor to an awesome night of wild sex is the arousal stage, which we all know as foreplay.

definition: foreplay [fawrplay] n sexual stimulation preceding intercourse.

The guys reading this article should memorise the above definition because frankly, you really don't have a clue...

2 I'm getting horny already, hehe.

1 Foreplay is not just a few hugs and kisses here and there. In fact it includes the whole evening prior to sexual intercourse. The dinner, the conversations, the intimate moments, the prasies of admiration. These are all important and essential steps to getting your partner in the right mood. We don't have room in this article to go into too much detail, for extra information Vogue readers should order the following back issues...

3 That magazine is too commercial.

1 Will you guys stop interrupting! That is precisely the point that this article is saying. You should be patient. Be patient with your partner. Don't just hurry into lovemaking like...

2 Have you ever made love, trooper? Even your own mother wouldn't breastfeed you. In fact I don't even recall you ever having a girlfriend.

1 Must you always bring my mother up. Mention her again and I'll knock you silly!

2 O.K. O.K! Jeez. Lighten up! I was only making conversation. If there be somebody needing sex, then that would have to be you.

3 Both of you are farkin' idiots. I'm going to my comatic chamber now. If any of you interrupt my sleep, I'll box both your ears and write a letter of complaint to our supervisor. [leaves the room]

1 I think he be needin' sex more than I do!

2 I couldn't agree more. We still best friends?

1 You betcha!!!

-------------------------

[Back on Earth]

So Mel, how long till we get there? [Mandy is sitting on Mel's shoulder] This is ace! You see the whole world in a totally different perspective as a penguin. It's not as bad as I thought it would be. It's actually loadsa fun. But I do know how to make fun of any situation. That's me, yesiree, Ms. Fun Fun Fun!!! Say, you are pretty quiet, Mel. What's on your mind?

Not much.

I would have guessed. Haha. Seriously, I'm excited. What fun today has been. If only you knew what I've been through, Mel. But let's not spoil the night with my stories, aye? Tell me at least, what are we going to eat at your place? And then what are we going to do?

Not much...

I get it! You want to surprise me, right? O.K. I'll play along. I luv surprises. If there is anybody that likes surprises, then that anybody and everybody is me. Weeeeee, I'm having so much fun. I'm on top of the world!!! Weeeeeee.

Almost there.

>> click for theme music <<

[At the bottomless pits of Hell]

I am so marvelous. I am supreme.
I rule this whole farkin' planet. That's always been my dream.
Lucifer's the name. Causing havoc's my game.
There be no escaping my wrath, once you cross the path.
Hahahahaha!

[Studies his "Book OF Soul Records", turning to the last page which contains Mandy's soul]

This latest acquisition of mine is particularly odd. This soul bears no resemblance to the others. It's quite a rare find. The moment I contained it in my book, I felt a strange tremor around me. Could it have something to do with this soul? Or was it gastritis?

[Closes the book and floats to his portalvision to check the news]

What the f uck is wrong with you? Why won't you work now? I just had you serviced last week? Godamnit!!! I hate technology!!!

[runs the portalvision's self-diagnostic routine]

This software revision has expired. To continue the use of this service, you must upgrade to the latest version. AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

-------------------------

[Aboard the Star Destroyer MKII]

What do you mean she escaped? [huff puff, huff puff]

1 My Lord, I can't really explain it. We had her location narrowed down to DJ Dave PSI's house, but when we got there she vanished. There must be something wrong with our tracking devices.

2 My Lord, quite a few of our gadgets seem to have been malfunctioning. Our communications system wouldn't work, so we had to wait till we boarded the Star Destroyer before we could bring word of the bad news.

3 Even our portalvisions have ceased to function. Something about the software being out of date?! My Lord...

Yes, yes, I know about the portalvisions. I couldn't watch my favourite show last night. Regardless, the Emperor will have your heads! [huff puff, huff puff]

1 2 [swallows saliva in fear]

[Back on Earth]

Such a nice apartment, Mel. Small but quite comfy and cosy. I like your colour schemes too. Hues of grey and marble, gothic yet modern. Lovely, quite lovely, I say!

It was like that when I moved in.

Now, you said you were going to make me dinner, Mel. I'm starving. I am so hungry that I could eat a horse right about now. Now that would be such a funny sight wouldn't it? A penguin eating a horse?! Haha!

I said I was going to make you dinner. [steps towards Mandy]

No! [panick-stricken] You don't mean that you are going to eat me are you? I should have known! If you like eating raw fish, then raw penguins must be a culinary delight. No!!! Get away from me. Get away from me, I say! Help me, please! Somebody help me! Noooooo!!!

-------------------------

[Aboard the Star Destroyer MKII]

3 My Lord, if you'll forgive us, but we have captured one of Mandy's friends, a dj that goes by the name of Dave PSI. He is being interrogated this very second. We also traced Mandy's last phone call to a small city apartment, and have sent troops there to check it out.

Excellent. Make sure that she is captured this time. How hard could it be to capture a helpless little girl?

1 2 3 Yes, my Lord. [leaves the room]

I wonder if it's true? Could this girl really lead us to the oracle? She's a slippery little creature, how could she escape my troopers? I wonder who is helping her? Hmmm, very interesting... I better do some more research.

To do list:

1. Find more toilet paper.
2. Gather more information about Mandy.
3. Shave arse.

It pays to be organised!

>> click for theme music <<

[At the bottomless pits of hell]

Godamn, it is so boring down here. I can't watch my portalvision until I pay the software upgrade. But I can't pay for the upgrade because all of my credit cards are maxed out already.
[floats to one side of the room]

Torturing souls is gettin' a touch bit repetitive. Perhaps I should pay another visit to the above world? I'm dyin' to go to a rave party and pop some magic pills.
[floats to the other side of the room]

Did you know that the first rave party ever held was in my honour? That's right! By a group of Salem witches, dancing naked around the bonfire. Then they were spotted by some horny men who raped and ravaged them. Later on these witches fell pregnant and because they had no husbands, they were burned alive before their babies were even born.
[floats to the centre of the room]

Was I resposible for such evil, you ask? Well, OF COURSE NOT! I am evil and I am cruel! And there is nobody more cunning than I. That, I admit readily. But I only set the scene! Men are responsible for their own actions, and will be punished accordingly.
[floats across the room again]

I deserve a vacation don't I? But I need to justify the travel expenses. Hmmmm. [in deep thought]

[A light tremor shakes the foundations of Hell]

Huh? What the hell is causing that? [looks around and sees nothing]

[The "Book OF Soul Records" magically opens by itself]

Very strange. Very strange indeed. [floats to inspect the "Book OF Soul Records"]

[The "Book OF Soul Records" flicks to Mandy's page]

It must be something to do with the last soul I captured! What was her name again? Oh yes, Mandy.



My yearning for your soul increases the more you catch my eye. But I don't totally own you until the day you die. What makes you so special that you shake the foundations of Hell? There's only one way to find out, only one way to tell.


Wax lyrical, lyrical
Shout loud hystericals
Some people might die
This mission's so critical


I might go insane
If I don't enter the game
So watch me transform
Into human form!

Muahahahahahaha! Muahahahahahahaha!!!

[summons up all his magic powers]

To be continued...

dude you have got to get me that track it was awesome.

my god man you have too much time on your hands

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