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Posted by DjDarling on Feb-05-2004 23:03:

Confusion 101

Alright, I just want to get some input on a situation I've got myself into. I really am in love with this guy that I used to date, me and him are perfect for each other and get along wicked. When we are together, it seems like nothing could ever be wrong. However we have a bad past of lies, cheating, and many late night pyshcho fights...which causes my friends to not be so supportive when it comes to me going back to him. In fact, they all hate him, as well as my family, for everything that's happened between us. When I am not with him now, I am always tripping out that my friends are going to be mad at me, and that they will all be talking about how I totally shouldn't be with him. We are different now though it feels like, and I don't think that those painful things would happen again. I was just wondering what some of you think the right road would be to take...

Posted by Mebot on Feb-05-2004 23:06:

i dunno it seems to me if you can't sort out your fights or lies or cheatings by now, than it seems you shouldn't be in the relationship.

If you go out with him again, it seems to me that you will again probably start cheating or having fights with him again.

Posted by igottaknow on Feb-05-2004 23:09:

I find it humorous you start out with

quote:
...are perfect for each other and get along wicked.

and then follow up with a bunch of examples of how bad you for each other, fighting cheating, lieing, all your friends telling you its a bad match.

just curious is ur ex bf speedracer?

Posted by DjDarling on Feb-05-2004 23:41:

just curious is ur ex bf speedracer? [/QUOTE]

nope he sure isn't. and the thing about us being perfect together and wicked, is now, when we spend time together.

Posted by Salem on Feb-18-2004 23:16:

Re: Confusion 101

Posted by jonSun on Feb-18-2004 23:44:

I have been in many relationships & have had similar problems with girls. Ive learned that all of the time it will go back to the way it was & be shitty. I had a 3year relationship & we had ups & downs finally we broke up a month & took a break. Then we felt similar to how you guys feel now. When we got back together it was around Christmas time & things were great but after 3-4 months it went to shit again. Im happy I made the move to break up with her & totally move on. There are tons of girls & guys out there. That girl was not for me & this guy aint for you.

Posted by Salem on Feb-19-2004 01:36:

quote:
Originally posted by Mebot
i dunno it seems to me if you can't sort out your fights or lies or cheatings by now, than it seems you shouldn't be in the relationship.

If you go out with him again, it seems to me that you will again probably start cheating or having fights with him again.

that was one hell of a prediction, regarding the cheating anyway....

Posted by smokeape on Feb-19-2004 02:06:

Some couples are just meant for each other, but don't fall into the trap of thinking you'll never meet another one like him. Don't chastise your friends and family if they have a legitmate reason to be concerned for you. At least be a little discreet in your relationship. The bottom line is that both of you have to come to some agreement of sorts where you want the relationship to lead and the positive measures both of you will take to avoid falling into old habits.

[[[smoke]]]

Posted by Arbiter on Feb-19-2004 02:15:

Re: Confusion 101

quote:
Originally posted by DjDarling
Alright, I just want to get some input on a situation I've got myself into. I really am in love with this guy that I used to date, me and him are perfect for each other and get along wicked. When we are together, it seems like nothing could ever be wrong. However we have a bad past of lies, cheating, and many late night pyshcho fights...which causes my friends to not be so supportive when it comes to me going back to him. In fact, they all hate him, as well as my family, for everything that's happened between us. When I am not with him now, I am always tripping out that my friends are going to be mad at me, and that they will all be talking about how I totally shouldn't be with him. We are different now though it feels like, and I don't think that those painful things would happen again. I was just wondering what some of you think the right road would be to take...

In my less-than-humble opinion, you are in an extremely bad position.

I am strongly inclined to agree with Mebot's prediction that, quote "If you go out with him again, it seems to me that you will probably start cheating or having fights with him again."

The reason for this is that a romantic relationship is entirely different from a simple friendship because both sides will change their behavior and expectations. Since, in the past, you experienced a broad spectrum of problems when dating this individual, but get along great with him now that you are no longer romantically entangled, the most likely cause of this change is the change in each of your respective behaviors and expectations based upon the different state of your present relationship. If you try to go back to dating him, each of your behaviors and expectations will change once again - most likely back to just about what they were last time, which obviously didn't work.

However, I'm afraid it's not that simple.

If, as you state, you are "really in love with this guy," then I assume that making your feelings go away is not as easy as simply coming to the realization that, if you renew your relationship with him, most of the same problems are likely to ensue. This is because, most likely, there will always be a part of you which wants to cling to the hope that it could still work (and I'm not telling you it's impossible, just that it's improbable). This conflict of feelings would be an unpleasant one, just like what you are probably already experiencing to a degree now which prompted you to create this thread. It's also a feeling which, unfortunately, may be difficult to leave behind.

So, it seems to me that you have two choices:

1. You can try to renew your relationship with him.
*If you do, it will probably fail. If you are not prepared to accept that failure, along with facing the reality that your friends and family will not like this decision, then do not choose this option.

or

2. You can elect not to try to renew your relationship with him.
*If you do this, you may be haunted by persistent thoughts of regret, and find yourself constantly asking "what if?"

If I were you (and I'm not), I would be inclined to choose option number one because of two beliefs I hold:

1. I don't care what anyone else thinks about my personal choices.
and
2. It's better to fight and die than to run away a coward and live with the shame.

But I cannot tell you what to do, because, as I stated, you and I are obviously different people. You need to look within yourself and decide what is most important to you, and then make your own decision.

Best Wishes,

Arbiter

Posted by DjDarling on Feb-19-2004 03:36:

HEARTBREAK

Arbiter - you are a sweetie, thanks so much for the advice, however I have a little update on this situation...Well we were kinda hanging out again except that it felt different, not as good for some reason. Anyways, I was an idiot and I let my boy down bigtime. BIGTIME. I stayed at another guys house when I was drunk. yah, so everyone who's going to reply to this with "you dirty nasty bitch" thanks but I already feel that way. Anyways, all of a sudden I can't eat or breathe or function properly. For the longest time I was telling myself I would be fine without this guy, but now that he's cut off all the connections, I can't live without him. I'm the type of girl that you might say is "coldhearted." I live for the chase and when I don't have one's attention (guy or girl) I want it. My boy used to call me a "people pleaser" which is exactly it, I want to please everyone. Now, what I want to know is, will this excruiciating heartbreak go away after awhile??? Is it just becaue now that I don't have his attention that I want it? Or is this guy really the one for me...and now that I've realized how badly I've screwed up, I need to work to get him back. I'm so confused... Baby if you are reading this...I love you. so god damn much (and you know it's not like me to say something like that either.) I'm not asking for another chance, I'm asking to have 1 minute to talk to you, just to hear your voice again...and NO you ARE NOT meeting "her" at Love Parade

Posted by Arbiter on Feb-19-2004 03:56:

Re: HEARTBREAK

It's nothing, you asked for advice, and it gave me an excuse to put off doing work. You'll feel better, it's just going to take a while.

quote:
Originally posted by DjDarling
I'm the type of girl that you might say is "coldhearted."

That's probably because you live in Edmonton.

Posted by mndeg on Feb-19-2004 03:58:

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Posted by DjDarling on Feb-19-2004 04:12:

quote:
Originally posted by mndeg
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Why thank you so much for that inspirational insight into this problem.

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