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-- jokes :))
jokes :))
Placing his ladder against the bedroom window of a burning house, a young fireman rushed up the ladder and looked through the window. Inside was a beautiful brunette in a transparent nightgown. He grinned and told her, "You're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!"
"But I'm not pregnant!" the woman exclaimed.
"You're also not rescued yet."
A man in his 40�s goes in for a physical. The doctor says, �I have good news and I have bad news.� The man replies, �Give me the bad news first.� Doc explains, �There is a problem with your penis. You can only get a few more erections, and then you won�t have any more for the rest of your life.� The man asks, �What in the world is the good news?� Doc responds, �We know that the number is exactly 25, so you can plan your use of them accordingly.� The man leaves and drives around for a couple of hours pondering his situation, and how to confront his wife.
When he gets home he tells her, �Honey, I have good news, and I have bad news.� She says, �Give me the good news.� He answers, �I can only have 25 more erections, and then I can�t have any more, ever.� She replies, �We can work around that. We'll just make a list and only use them when it is absolutely necessary to fulfill our desires, and make the most out of each one. What in the world is the bad news?� He says, �I already made a list, and you aren�t on it.�
In the beginning God created Eve. And she had 3 breasts. After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. "How are things, Eve?" He asked. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful. But I have one problem. It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain," reported Eve. "That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that right away!" God reached down and took the middle breast right off, tossing it into the bushes. Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden.
"Well, Eve, how's my favorite creation?" He asked. "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. you see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this?! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let's see... where is that useless boob?"
A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without stuttering. The first man stood up and said, "B-b-b-b-b-b-Boston." Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down. The next guy stood and said, "Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-Cleveland." He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down. The third guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami." The student fell to her knees and began performing oral sex on the man. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you have to say now?" He replied, "B-b-b-b-b-Beach."
An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract a very beautiful blonde woman. So they go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while he climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her: "Did you finish?" After a slight pause she replies: "No." Surprised, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, "Did you finish?" And again, after a short pause, she simply says: "No." Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he mounts her again. This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does. Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and asks with a sigh: "So... did you finish or what?!" "No," comes her reply. "Me am Swedish!"
Ahhh good ones... thanks, keep them coming
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| Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now." "Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit." |
lololololol!!!!!11
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| The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist. Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!" |
OMGILMAO
ROFL... 
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