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Posted by Ibiza Dreams on Oct-01-2001 11:47:

Relationships with Baggage....

Hey TA's,

Just wanted to hear some opinions is all, the more the better. Recently I have been having very bad luck with women, one I went out with was a former stripper and was very unstable, did very irrational things. Now the one I am together with recently told me she's been raped, she also lies to me ALOT, but apparently she really likes me. She's a good girl at heart, but hesitates VERY much before making any decisions, especially about me. The thing is that she's dumped her boyfriend of 1 and 1/2 years for me...
Now I should have learned not to deal with girls that have baggage, but apparently I haven't, I would like to forget that I shouldn't go for girls with lots of problems... but it seems like I like going on "rescue missions," which ultimately leave me hurt. Anyways, if anyone understands, an opinion is really appreciated thanks.

ID

Posted by Linx_da_cat on Oct-01-2001 11:59:

you know Ibiza, if she is hesitant, it's probably beacuse she got raped. i mean it must be pretty traumatic. i wouldn't be surprised if she has trouble putting trust into even the closest men in her life. so my advice is take it one step at a time, if you know she's lying or whatever, don't confront her about it or scream at her or threaten to dump her or something. just let it be and earn her trust slowly. first thing and foremost, trust is a big issue when it comes to relationships and it has to be mutual. but don't push it too quickly. get what i mean? hope you got it. it's too early in the morning right now...

p.s. i used to be like that. going on 'rescue missions' in relationships. you've got to deal with the 'mission' first while being the best boyfriend you can be.

Posted by SmackdowN on Oct-01-2001 18:49:

go for 16 yr olds cuz i have learnt that these youngins have very little if no baggage and can be trained like a dog to suit your needs

Posted by Lost on Oct-01-2001 19:45:

wrong! 16 year olds have way too much baggage already. i say go 14 and under.

lost

Posted by SmackdowN on Oct-01-2001 19:47:

but then you are looking at possible legal ramifications

Posted by Ibiza Dreams on Oct-01-2001 19:57:

quote:
Originally posted by Lynx
you know Ibiza, if she is hesitant... it's too early in the morning right now...

p.s. i used to be like that. going on 'rescue missions' in relationships. you've got to deal with the 'mission' first while being the best boyfriend you can be.

Hey thanks for the opinion Lynx. VERY true about not confronting her if she lies... lately she's been feeling that I've been pressuring her, which I can see how it might've seemed like that. Trust is hard to build though especially if you know someone is lying... I don't know if I should pursue a relationship though, it's risky, mostly for me. And by "rescue mission" I meant trying and "helping" her and kinda "rescuing" her from her troubles, which is a bad move as I've experienced a couple times before. Thanks.

And to Lost and Smackdown... 16-year olds might not have AS much baggage, but they're stupid, for the most part

ID

Posted by SmackdowN on Oct-01-2001 20:00:

quote:
Originally posted by Ibiza Dreams

And to Lost and Smackdown... 16-year olds might not have AS much baggage, but they're stupid, for the most part

ID

Is this a bad thing?

Posted by Coup on Oct-01-2001 20:01:

girls with baggage = stay away period. there more trouble than there worth, its unreal what can happen. doesnt matter how sweet pretty blah they are, it will always end in trouble, find some1 else, theres plenty

Posted by hypronix on Oct-01-2001 20:43:

where the hang to you hang at?

Posted by Linx_da_cat on Oct-01-2001 22:13:

quote:
Originally posted by Coup
girls with baggage = stay away period. there more trouble than there worth, its unreal what can happen. doesnt matter how sweet pretty blah they are, it will always end in trouble, find some1 else, theres plenty

all girls i find will have some emotional baggage that they bring into a relationship. personally, i think if you try avoiding it, you'll be missing out on some really good relationships. i mean not all relationships lean towards marriage or anything ya know? there's a difference between dating and a relationship. dating is casual, no real commitment, but there's some attraction there. having an actual relationship means to me, a serious one that does in fact lean towards marriage. anyway, i digress.

if you feel you don't want to risk it, then it's better to let her be. i can understand your perspective too, with the whole putting trust in her is hard due to the lying. again, i think you should stay around her if you really want to pursue something. by stay around, i mean, chill with her, spend time with her, just talk to her. she'll begin to open up once she sees that you are a nice guy and really care for her ya know? /rambling

peace and best of luck

Posted by Eugene on Oct-02-2001 01:48:

quote:
go for 16 yr olds cuz i have learnt that these youngins have very little if no baggage and can be trained like a dog to suit your needs

quote:
but then you are looking at legal ramifications

SmackdowN, yo one funny ****a

Posted by Ibiza Dreams on Oct-02-2001 02:25:

quote:
Originally posted by Lynx

if you feel you don't want to risk it, then it's better to let her be. i can understand your perspective too, with the whole putting trust in her is hard due to the lying. again, i think you should stay around her if you really want to pursue something. by stay around, i mean, chill with her, spend time with her, just talk to her. she'll begin to open up once she sees that you are a nice guy and really care for her ya know? /rambling

peace and best of luck

See bro, that's the thing, I don't know if I want anything serious... most likely I don't, but I still like her. Most peeps are gonna say to not try anything unless I really like the girl, but I am. The problem is, I have to be careful with what I say to her because she can get offended easily, and I can't be a hardass to her, but I'm feelin as if I'm being a pussy with her. Trying to comfort her all the time... not sure how much of a hardass I should/can be. Thanks for opinions.

Posted by BLUEGIRL on Oct-02-2001 02:32:

hey ID--i know EXACTLY what youre talking about! My last boyfriend was like that--fukked up past--lying all the time. i thought that if i was just patient and understanding he'd eventually realize that he didnt have to lie to me. DAMN WAS I WRONG. that never happened. only stick with this girl if youre REALLY committed cuz it'll probably take years to get her to relax.

(oh and as a side note--young people do have fukked up baggage--this guy was 5years! younger than me. VERY ILLEGAL )

Posted by Linx_da_cat on Oct-02-2001 02:34:

yeah, bluegirl was reading my thoughts after i read your response ID. it's really true. you can't change people by your own will. they have to be willing to do it themselves. best of luck to you bro.

Posted by hypronix on Oct-02-2001 06:47:

guys, I think it is mostly a problem of what kind of ppl U hang with. I mean, fuk it, I had these problems, but not with all the girl.

and the ones with baggage.. well, I have decided for a long time not to go for girls that I don't like or they don't like me. no matter how hard it would be to forget her.

but I guess, from what you say, that there is more to this relationship then you want to admit>>>

quote:
Originally posted by Ibiza Dreams
Trying to comfort her all the time... not sure how much of a hardass I should/can be.

but if U don't like her, try not to break her heart. think of the times U've been thru that...

emotional baggage... girls might be afraid in a relationship. U must make them feel safe, feel that U don't really mean anything bad. not to take advantage of their emotional problems, to confort them.

about that, I can say (from my late experiences) that age has nothing to do with it. it is about how much they've been through, their sufference...
and one thing I am starting to believe in is that our instincts react when we meet a person with which we not only have a chance in being with, but that is actually suitable for us (well, maybe not instincts, but something anyway). not at all times - but mostly. and I can say that when both get this.. well, it will be something big afterwards. a REALTIONSHIP (Links said it out quite right here... glad to have some strong-brains here)

quote:
go for 16 yr olds cuz i have learnt that these youngins have very little if no baggage and can be trained like a dog to suit your needs

I am still amazed of how much ignorance some of you still show! It is such a lame thing to do, so low to say! You are the kind that girls get so afraid of...
They are not animals, stupid asses, but humans like U (I think... I mean I haven't seen Ur face, but I "suposse" U are biologically a human) and me. It is so low to treat them like this...

and for the record, I've known girls that started screwing around at 11 and girls that haven't done it untill 19... so don't start your theories when U don't know what U R talking about!!!

it's all I had to say!( so little??? ) take it or leave it!

Posted by SmackdowN on Oct-02-2001 06:54:

quote:
Originally posted by hypronix

They are not animals, stupid asses,

Shit my parents really fucked up my upbringing then

Posted by BLUEGIRL on Oct-02-2001 19:08:

c'mon SmackdowN girls post here too ya know. have some respect.

Posted by Eugene on Oct-02-2001 22:12:

BLUEGIRL, a fellow American? and a female?
Nice to meet you

Posted by Ibiza Dreams on Oct-03-2001 04:03:

Thanks for the feedback guys, I had to settle it though, which is done now hopefully. Catch ya TA's lata!

ID

Posted by juzfugen on Oct-03-2001 05:33:

hey bro id be careful if i were you my last gf was raped before we started dating and it really screwed up her up which is understandable
but if have any hesitation about her drop it now before anymore damage will be done to her and you. if it was recent that she was raped (in the last 6 months) then most likely she is still in shock and very vunerable. with my ex i didnt find out about her till a few months into our relationship she was very hestant to tell me because she was embarrased about it. it happened her freshman year at college she was date raped by what she thought was a friend very sad that this happens just shows how pathetic we men can get but anyways when she told me my heart went out to her more then before i kinda got that rescue bug your talking about but i was also falling in love with her so i started going with her to her shrink and just being as supportive as i could and to make a long story short she began to act i guess normal we were young at the time i was 22 she was 19 and we went out and partied only to find out later she used the alcohol and drugs as an escape became an addict more an alcoholic and reverted into becomming a slut because of what was goin on in her head. like i said earlier i did talk to her shrink and we also talked about our relationship problems from this( her sleeping around) and that is a know reaction from being rapped so anyways i tried for 4 and half years with this girl we were even engaged but this just really messed her up in the head. now not all women will act the same way to this type of situation but just be cautious and make sure you really like this girl before becomming too close for both of your sakes.
good luck bro i hope this helped some and just remember learn from others mistakes before you make your own

JUZ

Posted by Linx_da_cat on Oct-03-2001 11:20:

wow juz..that's pretty intense. i dunno, the repercussions of something like a rape is just beyond comprehension pscyhologically. i know a few gals that have been and they don't even want to think about it or else they break down so i kinda know what you're talking about. just felt the need to respond to your post, bro. take care.

Posted by Ibiza Dreams on Oct-03-2001 11:48:

quote:
Originally posted by juzfugen
hey bro id be careful if i were you ... and just remember learn from others mistakes before you make your own

JUZ

Your post is very appreciated Juz. The bottom line of relationships with baggage is that they are unpredictable it seems. You can't expect to have a "normal" relationship. I dropped it with her last night, explained to her that it's better to us to be friends for a number of reasons. Better to hurt a little now than alot later on. Thanks again for pouring it all out like that, it's very tough shit to deal with, especially if you really like the girl, or in your case, love her. Thanks again, really gave some insight.

ID

Posted by StereoPrincess on Oct-03-2001 18:52:

It is very hard to find a relationship with out baggage at older ages. I mean I'm 22 now and already have a few things that could be considered baggage. The thing is that it depends on how much baggage a person can handle before its too much.