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-- Friday crap jokes please
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Friday crap jokes please
what do you call a pile of c**ts?
a block of flaps
[possibly offensive]
whats blue and doesn't fit anymore?
a dead epileptic
[/possibly offensive]
lyrical styler with big nipples!!
what dya call a japanese car thief?
tommy tookamota
whats yellow and lives off dead beetles?
Yoko Ono 
What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Doug 
hahaha
What do you call a man with a wooden head?
Edward
good j/ks plz? 
IN PRISON ... you spend the majority of your time in an 8 x 10 cell
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in an 6 x 8 cubicle
IN PRISON ... you get three meals a day
AT WORK ... you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it
IN PRISON ... you get time off for good behaviour
AT WORK ... you get more work for good behaviour
IN PRISON ... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
AT WORK .. you must carry around a security card and open all the doors yourself
IN PRISON ... you can watch TV and play games
AT WORK ... you get fired for watching TV and playing games
IN PRISON ... you get your own toilet
AT WORK ... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat
IN PRISON ... they allow your family and friends to visit
AT WORK... you cant even speak to your family
IN PRISON ... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK ... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxed from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON ... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
AT WORK ... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
It's not difficult. To make a woman happy a man only needs to be :
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. galant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :
1. Shag him
2. Leave him in peace
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Jamie_ HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY : 1. Shag him 2. Leave him in peace |
yo mama
Here's a few 'yo mama' jokes. All very good.
Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"
Yo mamma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, skittles popped out.
Yo mamma's so fat, even God couldn't lift her spirits!
Yo mamma's so fat, she has her own zip code!
Yo mamma's so fat, it takes a train and two buses to get on her good side.
Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed five minutes of the show!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a room, someone said, "Woah! Was that a solar eclipse or did Free Willie just walk in?
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a hotel and asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean!
Yo mamma's so fat, she rents shade!
Yo mamma's so fat, she invented the lowrider!
Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over K-Mart, stumbled over Wal-Mart and landed on Target!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the afternoon they're flats.
Yo mamma's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds.
Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over a rock and fell asleep trying to get up!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said, "to be continued."
Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a yellow coat, people run after her yelling "taxi!"
Yo mamma's so fat, she's on both sides of the family.
Yo mamma's so fat, when she got lost (amazingly) they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job". The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.
You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is �200,000 a year".
The Scouser said "You're bullshitting me!"
The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"
What do you call a joke with no punchline?
...
Yo Momma is so fat that when she fell asleep on the beach Greenpeace tried to push her back in
I was told a very sick joke earlier that's very distasteful... needless to say if you want it, ask jamie or mike what it was cos i told them
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Ian^ I was told a very sick joke earlier that's very distasteful... needless to say if you want it, ask jamie or mike what it was cos i told them |
please
| quote: |
| Originally posted by mentalbarter just tell us man |
lol ok.... this didn't come from me tho its a bit early i think
Superman & Ken Bigley had a race..... Superman won by a heads length
shit i know, but it was funnier when i was told it
2 cows are standing in a feild, 1 says to the other
"So are you going anywhere nice on holiday?"
the other replies
"No. I couldnt get the wee calf!"
sorry, but u did say crap jokes.
haha rooney
A crap joke you say?
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to
make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after
all you're the guv".
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not
just a couple of decks ... I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I
fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well ... sort of right ... this time I want you to fill
it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?", queries Noah.
"Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp - wall to
wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you
want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?"
"Check".
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether ...
"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".
fankyoo
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Tranceman1982 Yo mamma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, skittles popped out. Yo mamma's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds. Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said, "to be continued." Yo mamma's so fat, she's on both sides of the family. |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Misty Kitty lyrical styler with big nipples!! |
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