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Posted by Shakka on Apr-20-2005 19:15:

More papal stuff

I have to share this b/c it cracked me up today. Long story as to where it came from. Not written by me, though I wish it were!

quote:
Sit back, relax and strap on your seat belt. Here is how it really went down.

Much has been made of the recent conclave of cardinals to select the 265th pope of the Catholic church. While the church wants the public and the press to believe that this election process is steeped in ritualistic tradition, this is decidedly not the case. In point of fact, as I witnessed 9th hand, the selection process is one part fraternity initiation, one part survivor and one part, well read on.....

As the conclave gathered the top 4 contestants waited with nervous anticipation. Ratzinger knew he had the inside track because he and JP Toozie were boys, but he worried that the conniving little Tettamanzi may have formed some sort of alliance with either Bergoglio or that damn progressive Maradiaga to try and kick him off.

Soon Jorge Estevez (6th cousin to Emilio) called the proceedings to order and, after the announcement of the first challenge, Ratzinger's nervousness eased. Estevez announced, in Latin, French, Greek, English and Quenya, that the first challenge would be a keg stand of Chianti. Ratzinger's eyes lit up with excitement. (Anybody who has seen this man can tell he enjoys more than the occasional glass of Chianti with some wafers and a side of fava beans...note to Starling, I think we found Lector.) Indeed, Ratzinger was first on this challenge. With the help of his hometown cardinals from back in the day he managed a 2:30 stand accentuated by the loudest belch ever recorded in the Sistine chapel (onlookers thought it was the start of the bells ringing in the new Pope.) Next closest to Ratzi's time was Bergoglio at 35 seconds. Maradiaga was worst at 10 seconds and was eliminated from the Papacy.

Challenge Numero Dos.
Estevez then announced that the second challenge for the candidates was a rock climb up the Michelangelo fresco. Having not used his upper body muscles since the crazy dead-lifting days in the 40's, Ratzinger immediately said a Hail Mary in thanks for his immunity to this challenge. Meanwhile, Bergoglio's began pacing with excitement, thinking to himself "these weak 1st worlders don't stand a chance. I am rugged, a man's cardinal....I could break them with my pinky-toe." Indeed Bergs was correct. With the grace of a three legged dog he made it to the top of the fresco in 35 minutes flat. (Ratz and Tattamanzi only made it 3 feet off the ground before their backs went into spasm...T-Dawg pulled his groin as well.) Unfortunately for Bergs, his success was his downfall for when he reached the top of the fresco, the conclave received the answer to the eternal question.....boxers or briefs? You guessed it, Bergs is a boxers man and, regrettably, the horse was out of the barn, shocked by the disgrace of the sight the conclave immediately voted him out of the running.

(Editors note: I'm starting to get chest pains as a write this.)

Fordern Sie Zahl drei heraus (uhhhhh...yeah)
Since JP's passing, Estevez brain-stormed on how to freshen up the selection process. His decision on the third and final challenge, a move that will go down in the annals of the conclave as one of the most daring and progressive in history, was pure genius. For the 3rd challenge, Estevez brought in Ryan, Randy, Paula and Simon...there would be a one song contest.

Ratzi knew what he would sing, Tett was less sure. Ratz went first. From what I hear, Ratzi brought the house down with his rousing rendition of "I'm Too Sexy" and polished the performance off by throwing his hat into the crowd and nailing a full split after holding his last note for 30 seconds.
Randy immediately welcomed him into the dawgpound saying "Yo, dawg, that was hot. You're keeping it real today baby, conclave yah hear me?"
Ratz replied "God bless you, hail Mary full of grace."
Paula, tripped out on ex, heroin, cocaine, et al, said "Ratz, the women love you, you LOOK great in that robe...your amazing. Simply amazing."
Ratz replied "God bless you, hail Mary full of grace."
Simon was less enthusiastic, "First off, you sound like your 70, you look like you haven't slept in months and you did not hit one note in tune. If I'm being honest that was hideous."
Ratz replied "Burn in hell neophyte!"
Tettamanzi, having finally picked his song, came out dropping it like it was hot! "She put that SUGAAAAAA. ON my tongue. She's gonnaaaaa, give me give me some, she put it right there on MY TONGUE!!"
Unfortunately for T-Dawg, the audience was less than enthused. They booed his performance and he was forced to flee the stage after the cardinals began throwing paper-bound hymnals.
Randy said "Diongi, man, yo have to know your crowd dawg. You were kickin it but they just weren't into it. It was alite for me man. Just alite."
T-Dawg replied "Thnak you Randy. God bless you."
Paula, sick with lust, said "Celibacy be damned, the girls love you Tettamanzi!"
T-Dawg replied "Thank you Paula. God bless you."
Simon said, "That sounded like something I would hear on a $100 cruise ship in Mississippi. Just horribly dreadful."
T-Dawg replied "May St. Peter banish your lineage for generations. INFIDEL!"

With that, the challenge ended. Estevez left it up to Seacrest to announce the winner...

"Cardinals, the time has come to announce the winner of the 265th Papacy of the Catholic church. It should be know that we received a record number of votes this year...Without further adieu, I will announce the winners." Tettamanzi was shaking with nerves, while Ratzi looking cool as a cucumber, thought "What shall my pope name be?"

"Ladies and errr, sorry, just Gentleman, the 265th Pope is.......Scott Savol!!! And his Papal name will be Pope Beataho 1.