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Posted by Slylee on Jun-20-2005 15:20:

What would you do?

WARNING: long post, but if u have the time to read and respond, i appreciate it!

ok so recently i met this girl who cocktail waitresses at a local sports bar and we really hit it off. we've only hung out 2 times, but we seem really comfortable with each other already and i can tell we're gonna be good friends. i went to this BBQ at their apt. complex (she lives with her boyfriend) 2 weekends ago and her boyfriend was there with his family and stuff (it was his sister's sweet 16 party), and everyone seemed cool and nice.

so anyway, i got a voicemail from her on Saturday and she sounded horrible and sad and she was like, "hey it's me, call me back please i have to tell you something"

well it turns out that she and her boyfriend got in a fight around 4 in the morning Saturday morning and he beat her up. she took a cab or bus or something back to georgia (her family lives there) and so now she's in georgia.

she doesn't want to stay there and she doesn't have a car or anything either, so basically she's a wreck. i felt really bad for her, and i talked to her for a while on Saturday just basically lecturing her and telling her that there is absolutely no excuse for him to lay a finger on her. i guess he turns into a nasty drunk and he has a drinking problem...

so i told her that i would talk to my future roommate to see if he is cool with having another roommate. i mean, if there's 3 of us, we can rent like a house and afford a nicer place, and plus she is really cool and tomboyish, so even though he'd have 2 female roommates, we're not like your typical bitchy, whiny females. i told her we were thinking september as our move in date and she was like, "oh man, that would be awesome, i could save money for the next couple of months, and i have a big screen tv that we can use" bla bla bla so she was totally stoked about it and really grateful that i was offering this.

anyway, i talked to my roommate, and didn't give him details, but i was honest about what happened with her (i just said her bf is an asshole and beat her up and she wants to leave him and move out, but she can't afford her own place). he wasn't opposed to it, but he said he'd want to meet her first and stuff obviously.

but now that i'm thinking about it, i don't know if it was a good idea. i mean i really want to help her out, but at the same time, i don't want to like go out of my way to get my roommate to agree to this, and then help her get a job (i told her i could hook her up with a job with one of the bf's attorney friends) and then have her go back to him, u know? i know how this shit works, and she's very vulnerable right now because she has no car, and the apt. she lived in was his, etc...so the easy way for her would be to make up with him, you know?

i already told her that when she flies back into town (should be soon) to get her clothes and her dog and everything, that i would pick her up from the airport and take her to his place. i doubt he'll pull any shit if i'm there, and i'd like to see him try anyway! hahah

anyway, what should i do? i want to help her out, but i don't know. i mean even my roommate was cool with it, but he was like, "man i don't want her psycho ex showing up at our place with drama and i'm gonna have to beat his ass" which is true. it wouldn't be fair to us.

i was thinking of just straight up talking to her and just tell her that she needs to make a choice, meaning, she's gonna dump his ass, move on and have her own place with us, and become independant, or she can go back to him.

i know i don't have the right to tell her what to do with her life and him, but at the same time, i do have the right to tell her that i'm not going to have some wife beating fucking asshole coming over to our place all the time if she's going to stay in contact with him. it WILL happen again, that's a given...especially if he continues to drink. and i just don't want the drama in my house of her coming home crying to us because he beat her up again u know?

it's a tough call for me. input please..

Posted by h0tsweetbabyd0l on Jun-20-2005 15:29:

i think its really nice to u to offer her the oportunity to stay with you and her roommate but u have to be honest with her and tell her the things that is to say that u don't want her ex comes back which is totally normal
but i think it's a good idea u found and not some many people would be ready to do the same thing than u but u should definately talk about your plans with her and give her the conditions
good luck slylee

Posted by jonSun on Jun-20-2005 15:31:

I would tell her strait up, if the girl beating pussy is around then she cant stay with you. I would expect her to go back to him. Most guys that hit girls are insecure. He's probably gonna cry & plead for her to take him back & she will. She seems like she is dependent on others, since she has no car. You gotta have a car when your on your own. So if you care that much let her stay with you, but make she the pusssy ex bf is 100% out of the picture.

Posted by DJ-Kreing^^ on Jun-20-2005 15:33:

U gonna have to trust her on this, I mean what if she decides to move in with you and acouple of weeks later she makes up with her boyfriend? You cant be sure she wont just leave u with that nicer place you were planing on renting and move in back with her boy�
Love is a tricky thing you know? You cant really control how you feel at times�so now she maybe confused but who knows how she's gonna feel about him in a month or two.

Posted by Arbiter on Jun-20-2005 15:38:

Re: What would you do?

quote:
Originally posted by Slylee
i was thinking of just straight up talking to her and just tell her that she needs to make a choice, meaning, she's gonna dump his ass, move on and have her own place with us, and become independant, or she can go back to him.

Is there a big problem with this? If not, it seems like a reasonable idea.

But really, you should just go with your first instinct. No one here can judge the situation properly because our knowledge of the people involved is very limited and second-hand. I can tell you that situations like this often lead to prolonged drama, but you already know that. You either take what steps you can to prevent it and/or deal with it, or you decide that it's too much of a potential burden for you and your roommate to bear. If that depends on just how likely you think it is that the situation will become a continuous problem, then you're going to just have to trust your own judgment, because no one here has enough information to form a reliable opinion on that matter.

Posted by Streakfury on Jun-20-2005 15:41:

quote:
Originally posted by DJ-Kreing^^
You cant be sure she wont just leave u with that nicer place you were planing on renting and move in back with her boy...

That's what contracts are for. If she does move out after a short while, make sure that the contracts you all sign say that should one of you move out, the other two are NOT responsible for their share of the rent. That way, if she does move out, you wont be left having to try and pay for a house you cant afford.

As for letting her stay, I think it's a good idea. Sure she's gonna be a bit undecided over the next few weeks about whether she wants him back or not, but just make sure she knows where she stands. Tell her that if she moves in, then she cant be bringing home the drama. She's got a couple of months to decide, so it's not like you're giving her an ultimatum.

Posted by DjConfessions on Jun-20-2005 15:44:

Whether you feed her with a golden spoon or not, the choice with what to do with her life is hers. You have a respectable generosity and she BETTER damn well take this breather to collect her thoughts and do something for her life, like end the abusive relationship. As my counselors say, you can't change another persons life, but u can influence the decisions they make

Posted by Estella on Jun-20-2005 15:52:

I think there would be more advantages to have another room mate.

1) Better quality living
2) Lower rent pay
3) The more the merrier
4) That is almost so Will and Grace

but she doesn't have a car? I think that might be a problem. I've had friends who didn't have a car and I'd always think but "It's Megan! I can pick her up and swing her back home, no big deal" but after a while, despite how good of friends you are, it gets old, well for me it did anyway, especially when she wasn't even saving for a car.

Other than that, if the girl is stable, I don't see a problem. Just make sure you let her know the expectations, as everyone has already said.

Plus, what harm is a little 4AM bawling session turned into 5AM boyfriend pounding at the door?

Posted by Slylee on Jun-20-2005 15:55:

well everything i just told you guys, is all I know too, so we (meaning me and all u TA's) are in the same boat when forming an opinion about what i should do.

i always enjoy helping and motivating people and in my heart, i really want to help her get back on her feet again, she's a really cook chick and very pretty and any guy would be lucky to have her. she's only been w/ that asshole for a year and a half...that's not that long.

i mean i would even let her use my car until she can afford one, like if she helped w/ my insurance payment or something. i dunno.

All I know is that I�ve been in her situation before so I know how she feels, and there is a side to me that wants to help her, but I don�t want to be the asshole in the end. I�m also very confident in my power of persuasion. I really have an effect on about 90% of the people I talk to about stuff. Meaning, everyone who comes to me with a problem, usually listens to me because I have a way with how I present situations and stuff (I should be a therapist, I swear). So I dunno, I think if I get her alone and take her for some coffee and just lay everything out for her, I can trust that she won�t screw me over.

Also, we�re not moving into a place until Sept. 1, so we have all of July & August to figure stuff out. We�re not going to start looking for places until August. So she�ll have some time to think about stuff.

Posted by euphoria on Jun-20-2005 15:56:

Very nice of you to help her but I think you should sit down and discuss it with her and tell her to make her choice, you are putting yourself out there by helping her so be blunt and let her know you are going through alot for her and you dont want it to all be in vain. Dont let her be alone with him either because he will probably convince her to come back to him if she is a weak minded person.

Make sure she wont go back to him before you make all these arrangements for her.

Posted by Arbiter on Jun-20-2005 15:58:

quote:
Originally posted by Slylee
Also, we�re not moving into a place until Sept. 1, so we have all of July & August to figure stuff out. We�re not going to start looking for places until August. So she�ll have some time to think about stuff.

That should be plenty of time to get a good feel for how things are going to end up. Just keep your options open until you're more confident one way or another.

Posted by Slylee on Jun-20-2005 16:33:

quote:
Originally posted by Estella

but she doesn't have a car? I think that might be a problem. I've had friends who didn't have a car and I'd always think but "It's Megan! I can pick her up and swing her back home, no big deal" but after a while, despite how good of friends you are, it gets old, well for me it did anyway, especially when she wasn't even saving for a car.

yea true...i guess i shouldn't offer to share my car, but i also know what it's like to not have a car. lol well we'd have to wait and see where she gets a job and stuff, and she can just deal with getting rides from co-workers until she can go finance a car.

and of course i would whip up a contract, duh...but it would still be a real pain in the ass if she split and we had to like bring the contract out and bla bla bla...

i just have a feeling that she'll only want to go back to him cuz it's the easy way out...but if i movtivate her and comfort her and tell her how awesome it's gonna be with the 3 of us in a house and her new job and she can get a car soon, yada yada...i think she'll realize that's what she needs...and once it starts happening, she'll feel that sense of independance and be like, "fuck that asshole i don't need him".

at least that's what i hope

thanks btw everyone

Posted by NiteMer on Jun-20-2005 16:33:

I know the feeling, when wanting to help someone. You definitely have to be honest with her, as a friend, and tell her your concerns. Make it clear that she can't tell him she's living there and such. If she tries to make a clean cut, she'll be alright, but things will get shitty, if she lets him talk to her. Guys like that are always apologizing and promising change, but they're repetitive in their actions. I would try to help her, but be up front about your concerns.

Men hitting women is completely unacceptable, and he deserves an ass beating. Hopefully he'll end up getting rocked in a fight soon.

Posted by Slylee on Jun-20-2005 16:46:

yea I know. when she told me everything on Saturday, I SO wanted to call up some guy friends and send them over to jump his ass�but that would be silly and I really should stay out of it.

she told me he called his PARENTS when they were fighting and they came over and his mother slapped her and was like, �ur a slut� bla bla bla

I was like WHAAAT! I told her, �dude, they sound like trash from Jerry Springer� and she was like, �I know they all ganged up on me�

Posted by jonSun on Jun-20-2005 16:49:

quote:
Originally posted by Slylee
yea I know. when she told me everything on Saturday, I SO wanted to call up some guy friends and send them over to jump his ass�but that would be silly and I really should stay out of it.

she told me he called his PARENTS when they were fighting and they came over and his mother slapped her and was like, �ur a slut� bla bla bla

I was like WHAAAT! I told her, �dude, they sound like trash from Jerry Springer� and she was like, �I know they all ganged up on me�

Wow his family is fucked too. Thats probably where he gets it from. If I ever hit a girlfriend my parents would kick the shit outa me & even now when im 27. My parents always took my girlfriends side even if my girilfriend hit me. They would be like "you must of done something to make her hit you". I was like WTF.

Posted by DjConfessions on Jun-20-2005 16:49:

the first time i heard this guy slapped this really close friend of mine, i felt absolutely enraged. i just wanted to head over there and kill the guy.
BUT...
after breaking up, she gave me the shit about "well, he said he loved me, it was only one time." being an abuser is fucking stupid. but going trying to get BACK with an abuser is fucking retarded

people will make stupid decisions when they are in this predicament. Make sure you try and make her think rationally

Posted by Gravgon on Jun-20-2005 16:51:

imo it's all about how the girl is and you're at the best place to judge that

if you have good feelings about her, i'd say go for it because she seems to really need that help.

Posted by NiteMer on Jun-20-2005 16:52:

Posted by Estella on Jun-20-2005 16:53:

quote:
Originally posted by jonSun
Wow his family is fucked too. Thats probably where he gets it from. If I ever hit a girlfriend my parents would kick the shit outa me & even now when im 27. My parents always took my girlfriends side even if my girilfriend hit me. They would be like "you must of done something to make her hit you". I was like WTF.

Posted by Thierry on Jun-20-2005 16:53:

I think it's really nice that you are doing this for this girl, even though you haven't known her for that long. You are a really good person for it. I've beaten up 3 of my friends' boyfriends when they've hit them and I told them if they ever go back to them, I wouldn't be friends with them but would still beat their boyfriends' asses everytime I saw them out. They never went back Don't know if it was bc of my threat or they were smart enough, doesn't matter to me as long as they didn't go back.

Anyway... I think you have to lay down the situation and ultimatum. You are going out of your way, your roommate too, to help this girl and she has to appreciate that. But you have to let her know that if she accepts, she's kissing her boyfriend and his psycho-ass family goodbye (his mom came and hit her?? fuckin trash). And if she goes back to him, she's out. Bottom line. You don't need that extra-crap if she goes with you and then back to him.

Cheers,
Terry

P.S. I'm guessing this is the second girl you met at a restaurant/bar, after the girl you wrote the number on the receipt for eh?

Posted by jonSun on Jun-20-2005 16:56:

Posted by NiteMer on Jun-20-2005 16:57:

quote:
Originally posted by jonSun
Send some hard core homies & bitches to beat the shit outa him & his mom . The both need a beating.

+1

Posted by M@t on Jun-20-2005 16:58:

woah oct 2000 ^^^
old school man

does this girl not have any family over here? do they know whats going on?
clearly its commendable that you would wanna help but i think you should definitely find out more about her and the situation before letting her and the related problems into your life completely.
you may well be a good judge of character, but i still think you need to get to know her better before letting someone move in on your private life.

Posted by Slylee on Jun-20-2005 17:07:

yea they all seemed kinda cool at the bbq, but I could tell they were kinda on the trashy side�and her bf is like this skinny little shit w/ tatooes everywhere and nipple rings and the dad looked like he was WASTED�he had that �loaded� look on his face, and I could have sworn I saw him take a pill at one point�wouldn�t be surprised if it was a pain killer.

Anyway, yea his family totally stands by him and she said the dad has been abusive to the mom..so they�re all a bunch of losers.

I�m gonna feel her out some more, and try to introduce her to some nice guys. Seriously, she is a total hottie and guys are gonna be lining up to date her�I dunno what the hell she�s doing with that loser.

Her family is in Georgia and her dad is �sick� that�s all I know�she didn�t tell me details. I think I�m going to sort of demand that she level with me and tell me everything if I�m going to help her out�I think she will.

Posted by Carriegsxr6 on Jun-20-2005 17:07:

Eh I am so sorry that this girl turned out like this. She sounded so cool. I am amazed how she even let herself get into a situation like that. Sounds to me like you are about to take on a charity case though. I wouldn�t invite her in just yet hun. Sounds like this girl doesn�t quit know how to make good decisions.

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