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Trubble With gf/friends, help a fellow TA out

heres the story, my gf broke up with me last week after a 14 month relationship that everything was going great in, the next day my best friend, takes her out to get coffee. i ask him not to date her because i still care and she still really means a lot to me, which it true now still. i still love her and i am pretty sure that she still loves me, but he then goes off and tells me that i am being irrational that he can do whatever the fuck that he wants. and for the whole week the only times that i have seen or talked him is when i call him, or make a point to see him. it seems to me that he is more conserned with getting in my ex-gf's pants, he calls her all the time and takes her out every day since we broke up, than trying to help me, his friend of over 6 years. what am i supost to think, or do for that matter. i am really lost and i don't know where i can find the answers, and i think that i still want to get back with my ex-gf, what do i do, and if going to get back, how do i go about it? i want them both as friends and her maybe more than a friend but how do i go about doing that without looking like an ass? any help would be greatly appriceated. thanks alot guys.

confused TA,
Johnny :-)

First off, I really feel for you, man.

The thing is, in your post you haven't mentioned how the GIRL feels about all this. Is the girl so stupid, so shallow, that she can go out with someone else (who also happens to be your friend!) the next day, without really having a good discussion of your relationship with you..?

If she's so shallow and stupid then FUCK her. She doesn't deserve you anyway.

On the other hand, if she understands how you feel (and you could tell her about it) then she should be more caring and empathetic towards you.

Did she have strong feelings for you in the first place? If she's going out with your best friend the next day, doesn't seem that way to me...

Just forget both of them and move on. I know it sounds hard, but thats what it'll end up as anyway, so you may aswell save yourself some more grief and get on with your life.

Barry

The thing is that she said that she has "feeling" for him, but i don't know if that is just her being insecure and scared about what is comming up in her life, she is going to leave for college in the fall and she wanted to live her life to the fullest before she left, but i don't know if this sudden "falling" for my best friend is her way of living or if it is just something to get over me so that she never wants or needs me back, she is a very careing, smart and loving person i think that she is also confused in her life and is looking for an escape. so i really don't know what to do, i really want her back, but i don't know how to go about doing that, and i want my "best friend" to stop moving in on my ex-gf.

Confused TA,
Johnny :-)

i feel for you bro. i've been there myself. i'm sure a lot of us have. but let me start with this. you can't make anyone love you. either they will or they won't and what you do has almost nothing to do with it. i say if she says she has feelings for your friend then there's really nothing you can do. she's gone. and i'm only being blunt with you so i can get the point across. i've seen too many peeps enter this masochistic cycle cuz they want someone that they can't have. like the others have said, it's just easier to let her go now then to try to salvage something that isn't there. and as for your friend, you should cut him loose too cuz what kind of friend would date his best friend's girl the day after they break up. all my real friends know that once one of us goes after a girl then she is now off limits to everyone else. it's this underlying code between us all and that's what makes us friends. we would rather deny ourselves things then cut each other. and i'm sure what he's doing to you cuts deep. i really wouldn't pursue anything further with either of them. but i'm not you and i don't have all the emotions tied up in it like you do. but i once did when i was in your position so i know you can't just let it go. so i don't know if you'll follow the advice that everyone is saying. from an objective perspective it's the way to go. just don't beat yourself up over the whole thing man. keep in mind that there's always something better out there. take care my brutha and i hope you get your answers. God bless.

lost

Maybe you missed something. If your girlfriend just broke up with you and dates your best friend every day (not only he`s dating her, but she`s also dating him) then maybe the two have planned coming together before she broke up with you? Just a tought...

quote:

Is the girl so stupid, so shallow, that she can go out with someone else (who also happens to be your friend!) the next day, without really having a good discussion of your relationship with you..?

i feel this comment deserves valid female input

you know, we dont know the whole story. maybe laun19 (i dont know you, and i know this probably isnt true but im trying to make a point) didnt treat her well and so she has her reasons for being attracted to the friend. maybe he gives her something emotionally or otherwise that he couldnt give her. and like someone else said, perhaps they have been liking each other for a long time.

as far as being so shallow to have a good discussion of the relationship, id just like to say that that type of behavior is definitely general to all people, not just women. i know i have personally grown weary of relationships with guys because *they* refuse to communicate with me on any level, telling me when they are upset, etc. i dont feel it is my job to then tell them why im leaving, if they dont give me the common courtesy. maybe that could be a reason shes acting that way too? its a very, very normal thing that guys feel they communicate, when really, they arent. women and men work on totally different levels (obviously).

so i guess what im trying to say, is its pretty hard for people other than laun19 to know what the girl's dilemma is... so its probably bad to judge her as an evil person. just playing devils advocate here. (plus heh like i said, theres never any female input on any of these threads).

now just a few advice comments from me:

1) ex partners are ex partners for a reason. you broke up for a reason. so it seems like you are setting yourself up to fail by wanting to get back together with her. its hard to let people go, but its the best thing you can do for yourself and your feelings.

2) if your best friend isnt respecting your direct request, he isnt your best friend, and you need to let him go. friendships are far more important than relationships.. and most people who are truly best friends, would never do something like that to the other person.

honestly, it sounds like you are trying to make excuses for why she is doing the things she is doing, that its still tied to you. maybe she honestly just really likes your best friend. it happens. people grow in and out of love all the time. it also sounds like you cant let go of either of them, even tho they are both walking all over you. if you had your best interest at heart, you would let them both go. loss does suck, but co-dependency is even worse.

heres what u do...call the girl up and say "you want a piece of my best friend? well go ahead and get it i wont stop you...but i want a piece too!" then go out and break his legs the same day....fuck this best friend bullshit...I have a best friend and let me tell you something we're so close we consider eachother brothers and we would never in our right minds do anything to hurt one another because we have been thru soo much shit...
fyuckin kill this mother****** he aint no friend hes really ur enemy....go kick his ass do it for me...do it for everyone out there that was ever used by some fake ass bastard who had other plans then to just being a plain old friend...ill kick his ass myself for you if u want....just make this kid bleed and make him bleed in front of that bitch...end of story...then go on with ur life make cash make real friends and when they come crawling back kick them down once more

quote:

Originally posted by Vivid Boy heres what u do...call the girl up and say "you want a piece of my best friend? well go ahead and get it i wont stop you...but i want a piece too!" then go out and break his legs the same day....fuck this best friend bullshit...I have a best friend and let me tell you something we're so close we consider eachother brothers and we would never in our right minds do anything to hurt one another because we have been thru soo much shit... fyuckin kill this mother****** he aint no friend hes really ur enemy....go kick his ass do it for me...do it for everyone out there that was ever used by some fake ass bastard who had other plans then to just being a plain old friend...ill kick his ass myself for you if u want....just make this kid bleed and make him bleed in front of that bitch...end of story...then go on with ur life make cash make real friends and when they come crawling back kick them down once more

whoa there, silver. you say that your friend wouldn't do that, but wouldn't our friend Laun19 have said the same thing not two weeks ago. guys do stupid, stupid shit over girls. i almost lost my best friend over a girl about a year ago, and with that experience in mind, Laun19, mark my words: they ain't worth it.
if your friend is as good a friend as you think he is (or was), let him have the chick, transfer all of your resentment toward her, thereby making your friend eventually resent her as well and dump her twofacin' ass like a load of stinky laundry. worked for me.

or drop em both, i don't care. do what you gotta do.

**edit: clearly sothis' advice is better than mine.

Sothis, interesting post!

I just wanna say that it happened to me too. A girl I was trying to date fell for my best friend. The irony was that the truth came out on my birthday, at a party, no less.

That was a pretty bad experience. But, the good part is that we didn't really have feelings for each other, so it wasn't as painful.

err bse u dont know how me and my best friend are...we dont consider eachother best friends we consider eachother brothers....we go back all the way to the beginning...hes one of the only constants in my life....we shared the same crib when we were kids...his parents consider me one of their own...and my parents visa versa....i swear if it wasnt for him i would be lost in this world...and i the same to him....we have never been in one fight and we see eachother everyday and we have never gone to the same school as eachother....even if its just for a quick smoke he'll come by or ill come by his house...and let me tell you one thing i would never ever backstab him and if i was ever to choose between him and some girl that i wont to bone he will always come first hes one of my first priorties right in the same line as family....he would never do something like that to me.....he told me once when we were on e that whenever he goes out and im not there he feels like shit... he said once he went out with everyone and forgot to call me and the whole night he felt like total shit and everyone thought something had happened at home...but the next day when he found out i went out with some broad he felt totally better that i didnt chill at home because he forgot to call...now thats what i call a fuckin friend....the one kid i can rely on...if u dont feel u can rely on ur best friend i think hes not ur best friend...so once again the fuck with this kid the fuck with this girl go out and live and forget it all

edit*** did i mention i have known the kid since i was born...the day i came back from the hospital i pretty much met him

Leave yer exes alone ppl........they are EXES......meaning past tenses. Dating is a bitch........i will give you that. But hell.....they are many many ppl out there.

I hate to say it but it sounds like to me that your so called Boy has been getting laid by your girl well before the brake up and she finally felt bad and broke it off with you. SORRY TA!

P.S. I would Knock out Your so called best Boy!

here's what you do

i tend to agree with everyone else BUT, here's a way to satisfy your peace of mind
call girl "girl, i miss you, i'd like to get together and talk, i know you have some insecurities in your life right now, and i want to be there with you through them, perhaps you feel like there's other things you have to do before you go off to college, but the truth is i can't imagine anything i could do that would be better then spending time with you. i'm really confused that you and friend have been spending so much time together and i'm not sure what to think about it, i value your friendships, and i'm worried that i'm losing both of you, i'm concerned that breaking up may have been a big mistake, no matter how you feel, i'd really like to get together and chat so this can be resolved, perhaps for you and i to get back together, or perhpas just for closure, but i need to make sure everything is out in the open"
if she talks to you, maybe things will work out, maybe she's confused, maybe she misses you, maybe your friend is merely trying to comfort her through this time of confusion (she would ordinarily be comming to you, but since you've broken up who's left?) maybe your friend is taking advantage of her confusion and your breakup to paint himself as a knight in shinning armor and steal your girl, maybe the two of them have strong feelings for each other and are sick of denying themselves for your benefit
my gut tells me you're not going to get her back, anything between her and your "friend" won't last long either because it was started under such shady circumstances, it seems pretty clear your friend has betrayed you, but before anything else happens, make sure you talk to girl and you know how she feels, also consider sitting down with your friend and asking him how he sees the situation
if you think these people are going to hurt you, cut them loose, don't torture yourself, despite what you may have done wrong in the relationship you're clearly a caring, forgiving, and loyal guy, there will be others!

quote:

if she talks to you, maybe things will work out,

i think what my point is.. is that he shouldnt WANT her back. i think being forgiving is an admirable quality, but also a fatal flaw. i dont know about any of you, but i have been royally fucked over a few times, by guys who cheat on me, lie through their teeth about how they are sorry and wont do it again, and ive taken them back. only for the cycle to repeat.

what did this teach me?

that if you are dumb enough to invite someone back in your life, you are going to pay those consequences. ever hear the saying "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me"? that applies in these kinds of situations i think.

i dunno, i guess its hard to just let someone go in a relationship, especially when you love them so much and you WANT to give them another chance, but i dont get how someone who's partner has just blatantly started being with their best friend, can then turn around and want to forget it ever happened and welcome them both back into their lives?

again, that sounds to me like codependency, being too afraid to dispose of the diseased portion of your life.

so yea. i guess im just having a hard time understanding why he would want to get back with her at all after that shit she pulled. thats asking for her to walk all over him again, and she'll know she can.

no one, guy OR girl in any relationship, deserves that. if she wanted a second chance, she should have thought about that before she got with your best friend. period. dont degrade yourself by running back to her now. you deserve more than that.

Re: Trubble With gf/friends, help a fellow TA out

quote:

Originally posted by Laun19 heres the story, my gf broke up with me last week after a 14 month relationship that everything was going great in, the next day my best friend, takes her out to get coffee. i ask him not to date her because i still care and she still really means a lot to me, which it true now still. i still love her and i am pretty sure that she still loves me, but he then goes off and tells me that i am being irrational that he can do whatever the fuck that he wants. and for the whole week the only times that i have seen or talked him is when i call him, or make a point to see him. it seems to me that he is more conserned with getting in my ex-gf's pants, he calls her all the time and takes her out every day since we broke up, than trying to help me, his friend of over 6 years. what am i supost to think, or do for that matter. i am really lost and i don't know where i can find the answers, and i think that i still want to get back with my ex-gf, what do i do, and if going to get back, how do i go about it? i want them both as friends and her maybe more than a friend but how do i go about doing that without looking like an ass? any help would be greatly appriceated. thanks alot guys. confused TA, Johnny :-)

Well I've always followed one rule, Friends first... If your best friend dates your ex, especially right after he's not a true friend.

My advice, ditch them both.

You think now that she's the love of your life and that he's a good friend.. Wait 2 yrs and I bet you'll be glad that you are no longer with her, and that you treated your supposed friend with the respect he deserves..... NONE.

Damn it makes me mad to see friends fucking each other over for a girl.... Friends are forever, girlfriends are not....

Thankx guys, you all have godd insight, i think that is why i asked some advice, i just want to know what is going to happen, you know like, asking mrs. cleo, or some other kina pysic just to know, i just want to patch this whole mess up so that i can have closure, and get some rest, which i haven't gotten all week, but some things are for the better, and me and her are going to get togather and talk because i really care about her, and i think that she also really cares about me. thanx to you guys i have made my decision, i think that i am going to give her some space to make her decisions, and if she fucks up, and wants me back i will take her, but if not, then i can find someone else, it has taken me all week to figure that shit out, she is one of my best friend, and i don't totally want to loose her, she ment so much to me over the past 14 months, and without her as at least a friend then i don't know what i would do, tell me what you all think of this and once again thankx for helping me through all of this, you guys are the best.

Much Love,

one fu*king confused TA,
Johnny :-)

quote:

and if she fucks up, and wants me back i will take her

codependency.

quote:

and i don't totally want to loose her, she ment so much to me over the past 14 months, and without her as at least a friend then i don't know what i would do

codependency.

seriously man, i dont get why you are gonna take her back after she fucked you over.

if you choose to do that, as far as im concerned, you deserve everything she has done to you, and will do in the future. how many more times will you let her go off and fuck some other guy, and then come crying back to you and youll take her back?

no one likes losing a best friend, or a boy/girlfriend, but you cant just bend over backwards for them after they fuck you over because you are scared to lose them.

tho yanno, thats a lesson everyone needs to learn... and maybe this is your time to learn that.

anyways, if you are set in your decision to do that, i have nothing left to say. you are digging your own grave here, and are gonna have to learn the hard way i guess.

From what I've read, it seems your friend isn't really a friend after all. This breakup has been really hard on you. At these difficult experiences of life your friends should be there supporting you.

quote:

Originally posted by barry_sheen Just forget both of them and move on. I know it sounds hard, but thats what it'll end up as anyway, so you may aswell save yourself some more grief and get on with your life. Barry

exactly right!

well lets just say i had a similar story to yours happen to me....a while back....

move on, you're better than both of them....and as for your friend, man...what kind of a friend that dont respect you or your feelings???? ....i wouldnt call him a friend.....

take some advise from ppl here, seems like nowadays a similar thread to yours pops up in here every month or so, and there's always ppl giving out some good advice,...might as well follow some of that advice adn you'll be all right!

take care,

>JM<

quote:

Originally posted by Laun19 Thankx guys, you all have godd insight, i think that is why i asked some advice, i just want to know what is going to happen, you know like, asking mrs. cleo, or some other kina pysic just to know, i just want to patch this whole mess up so that i can have closure, and get some rest, which i haven't gotten all week, but some things are for the better, and me and her are going to get togather and talk because i really care about her, and i think that she also really cares about me. thanx to you guys i have made my decision, i think that i am going to give her some space to make her decisions, and if she fucks up, and wants me back i will take her, but if not, then i can find someone else, it has taken me all week to figure that shit out, she is one of my best friend, and i don't totally want to loose her, she ment so much to me over the past 14 months, and without her as at least a friend then i don't know what i would do, tell me what you all think of this and once again thankx for helping me through all of this, you guys are the best. Much Love, one fu*king confused TA, Johnny :-)

here i go again....i just read sothis's post and she's right on the point with what she said....

dont be a fool, U just got SCREWED OVER MAN, now dont allow it to happen again. NEVER! move on, learn one of the lessons of life

>JM<

dude
logic + experience = result
result is :
Go get laid
Get over it trust me , dont waiste ur time, once its over , its over! no turning back.

not all girls are manipulative like that.

and if they are, fuck that. be strong and dont take them back. i know i wouldnt if the situation was reversed, and it was my boyfriend giving me "tests". you can certainly find someone better who wont play games with you and will communicate.

sothis, you are scary and evil

give the guy a chance to find out what the situation is and make his own decisions, stop giving commands and acting like you know everything. if he talks to her, our man here will soon realize if she's being a wench, if she's manipulating his mind, or if she's scared and confused like he is.

quote:

you are scary and evil

you do realize, using such random and non-valid words to try to insult me does nothing more than make me laugh.

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