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-- A Bit CORish But Subtle Sarcasm Is Over Their Heads. What's Your Favorite Onion

A Bit CORish But Subtle Sarcasm Is Over Their Heads. What's Your Favorite Onion

This commemorates the Onion opening up their complete archive from 1996-2006. Here are a few favorites of mine:

God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule

Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory

Christ Kills Two, Injures Seven In Abortion-Clinic Attack

Clinton Deploys Very Special Forces To Iraq

And my all time favorite is of course a point counterpoint...

quote:

Point U.S. Out Of My Uterus By Jessica Linden It comes down to one thing: It's my body. Not Uncle Sam's, not Trent Lott's, not Pat Robertson's. Mine. Congress can demand a portion of my income, it can tell me how fast to drive, it can kill killers and anyone else it thinks it must to preserve a free and civil society. But my body�the skin, bones and organs that comprise me�is where the line gets drawn. The decision to have or not have a child is mine and mine alone. I am not cattle for the government to order about, demanding that I bring an unwanted child to term. Stripping me of the right to control my own destiny dehumanizes me, period. Anything less than my choice, on my terms, reduces me to property. The right-wing anti-choice movement loves to preach its views from an idealistic, pie-in-the-sky universe where nothing uncomfortable ever has to happen to anyone, but that's not reality. Life is filled with pain and hard choices. Choices one may or may not regret later. But it's that individual's right to make the choice. You think America is the land of the free? The last country on Earth that would ever oppress women? My grandmother remembers when women could not vote in this country. And, boy, do we have a lot more progress left to make. One certainly has to wonder: How would things be different if men could get pregnant? It would certainly be fun to watch the patriarchal elite of Congress scramble to cover themselves if it all changed overnight. And one more thing: Who would care for all the children born into a world that prohibits abortion? Who would be there to raise all those unwanted, abandoned children? It would certainly be a different world, full of orphanages jammed with parentless children, robbed of a fair chance to grow up in a stable environment because of what some politician deemed moral in some oak-walled chamber on Capitol Hill. To say nothing of the women maimed or even killed by barbaric, back-alley abortions because a bunch of rich, white men made the safe alternative unavailable to her. Keep your laws off my body, America. Counterpoint We Must Deploy Troops To Jessica Linden's Uterus Immediately By Gen. William Patterson, U.S. Army To protect America's interests, it is sometimes necessary to mobilize and deploy a military force. We now stand on the brink of such a time. The tactical importance of Jessica Linden's uterus to national security is twofold: First, with its rich, fertile walls, this uterus is a vital source of future Americans. Second, the uterus is situated in an extremely strategic location, leaving it vulnerable to a hostile foreign power. This uterus must be given top priority by the Pentagon. Establishing a strong U.S. military presence in Jessica Linden's uterine region is by far the most sensible course of action. I propose that four U.S. Army divisions be deployed to Jessica Linden's uterus no later than midnight Friday. Once there, a reconnaissance force of 200 men will be stationed on her cervical perimeter, denying entrance to any unauthorized personnel or equipment. Another two battalions will be stationed inside the uterus itself, where they will set up camp and, if necessary, conduct armed patrols in force. Remaining personnel will conduct amphibious patrol in the forward vaginal canal and as far back as the fallopian entrances, scouting for cervical dilation or other such activity. The entire operation will receive air support from a wing of Blackhawk helicopters, which will rotate in pairs patrolling the greater vaginal area. Our forces will constitute a impenetrable iron diaphragm, preventing any and all foreign elements from compromising uterine security. Should we encounter a foreign power disputing our claim upon the Linden uterus and surrounding vagina, we will be prepared to engage its forces in armed conflict. We will consider the nation's safety our number one priority, regardless of Ms. Linden's unwillingness to cooperate. The Pentagon will consider a full-scale invasion of Jessica Linden's ovaries only as a last resort, after all other options have been exhausted. We recognize in principle Jessica Linden's sovereignty over the ovarian territory, but to prevent the loss of the reproductive system to a hostile power, we are prepared to do what we must, even if that means conducting a firebombing and strafing campaign that may result in full military hysterectomy. If we must destroy the uterus in order to save it, so be it. If U.S. uterine occupation extends into the second week of October, we will install an irrigation and drainage system in anticipation of Miss Linden's menstrual cycle. This will not only benefit her, but provide our troops with a cleaner, more navigable terrain on which to conduct their military maneuvers. I will further recommend that Congress establish a new Military Medal of Valor, to be called The Distinguished Cervix Cross For Courage In The Uterine Theatre. Naval soldiers may also request a burial within Miss Linden in the event of loss of life. The U.S. must and will defend its interests in Jessica Linden's uterus, no matter what the costs.

The intelligent falling one is one of my favorites But i fear that one dat it just might be true

I thought this one from a couple of weeks ago was the best article they've written for ages:

Your Offer Of Gum Seems Rather Disingenuous

Some more classic ones I can think of off the top of my head:

Alzheimer's Sufferers Demand Cure For Pancakes
Point / Counterpoint: Whoooooo! Bears! vs. Aaaaaggh! Bears!
Ping-Pong Somehow Elicits Macho Posturing - 'Boo-Ya! How You Like Me Now?' Says Ping-Pong Playing Man
You Hurt Me Just Now When You Hit Me With That Shovel
My Baby Don't Want No Medicine

Then there's the obligatory "Bush is dumb" ones:

Bush Finds Error In Fermilab Calculations
Bush Regales Dinner Guests With Impromptu Oratory On Virgil's Minor Works

And pretty much all the columns from Herbert Kornfeld (who you may recognise from someone's avatar ) and T. Herman Zweibal. Also, I can't find links to all the articles online, but the first issue after Septemeber 11th (I have the Ad Nauseum book) was pretty amazing under the circumstances.

On second though, all the articles are great really.

They've had some excellent opinion articles of late:

I Enjoy The Occasional Tranq Dart by Gongogo the Zoo Gorilla:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/44692

At least I Got My Ass Kicked By A Name-Brand Crowbar by Brent Waldie
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/43034

quote:

Originally posted by Renegade Bush Finds Error In Fermilab Calculations

awesome.

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