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coping

as some of you know, my wife wants a divorce.

she wouldn't tell me why, until 4 days ago.

she called me and told me that she cheated on me, only once, and couldn't live with herself for doing that to me. she said she still loves me, but can't go on, that i would never trust her again, etc. etc.


now, i've never been cheated on before.



i'm crushed. i can't sleep more than an hour or two a night. when i eat food i feel sick to the stomach. i can't do anything without relating it to her, to us. i want to forgive her, i want to take her back, but it's not up to me.

how do you guys cope/move one/keep getting up in the morning after being so terribly betrayed?

If she loves you so much why did she cheat on you?

What was lacking that caused her to cheat or what was the incentive for her cheating?

If she can't forgive herself how can you forgive her?

COMPLICATED! Im sorry for what happened. I hope you two work something out.

quote:

Originally posted by FuzzyChicken If she loves you so much why did she cheat on you? What was lacking that caused her to cheat or what was the incentive for her cheating? If she can't forgive herself how can you forgive her? COMPLICATED! Im sorry for what happened. I hope you two work something out.

those are the exact questions that keep running through my head . .

talk to her
seriously bro
this is a problem that involves and relies on your relationship with her. any resolution you reach by yourself is incomplete, same goes for her. it hurt, and it sucks, but if there's a chance of actually moving on, this is your best chance

best of luck man, seriously

relationship ninja edit: just to make a point more clear, its likely that the more time you spend without talking about it, the more time you'll have to make assumptions which may not be true, and therefore let feelings fester that arent based on fact. again, it sucks, but get it out in the open. can't heal a cut until you open it a little to heal the infection first, then it can actually heal

again, best of luck

sorry to hear the shitty news man

when my gf and i broke up she decided to just not talk to me anymore. she didnt even call me, tell me, email...nothin...just cold turkey stopped.
after somethin like that ya you feel like shit for a while, but the best thing to do is focus on something that makes you happy, like a hobby for instance, and just take it day by day, until the day by day stuff turns into weeks, and months, ect.
give it a while, and although you'll never feel the same, you'll feel better...
its all in time man

best of luck

quote:

Originally posted by mezzir talk to her seriously bro this is a problem that involves and relies on your relationship with her. any resolution you reach by yourself is incomplete, same goes for her. it hurt, and it sucks, but if there's a chance of actually moving on, this is your best chance best of luck man, seriously relationship ninja edit: just to make a point more clear, its likely that the more time you spend without talking about it, the more time you'll have to make assumptions which may not be true, and therefore let feelings fester that arent based on fact. again, it sucks, but get it out in the open. can't heal a cut until you open it a little to heal the infection first, then it can actually heal again, best of luck

I agree. You should have a nice long conversation with her about the underlying problems of the relationship that ultimately led to the incident. The more you talk about it the more you can determine the next steps, in terms of where the relationship will go. Best of luck.

i'm EXTREMELY sorry to hear that's the reason why. I would highly recommend that you to some kind of therapy/counseling.

i know that seems awful strange/"mental" or whatever - but you need someone to talk to [face-to-face]. and that's what counseling is there for.

even if it's just once a week, it lets you actually talk about your problems to someone that 1) won't judge you or anyone else; 2) you won't hang around with later (i.e. friends); or 3) has a great privacy policy.

I recommend it, if you feel that you don't want to "bother" friends/family with your problems, which is normal.

other advice (and i only really know this stuff, because my ma is going through kind of the same thing):

1) read the book "Divorce for Dummies" (yes, they have it). it's got a lot of information in there on the legal stuff.

2) check out other divorce/seperation books from the library/amazon/barnes and noble... a lot of them deal w/ the psychology of the spouse wanting to file for divorce.

3) TALK TO SOMEONE. depression loves isolation. again, a counselor is a great way to get out even for just a few hours.

above all, don't blame yourself...and try (even tho its hard) not to think about the past in the sense of "now i wonder when she said she was going to do this, if she was going w/ someone else" or "how long has this EXACTLY been going on?" lies sometimes build into bigger lies...and if you aren't really ready to prepare for the worst (as if things couldn't really get any worse, i'm sure you're thinking), don't pursue it.

best of luck to you.

are you the father ?

Ok, a good number of the replies in this thread are forgetting that they have a baby daughter together.

Without that factor, things are far more clear cut.

Gah...

Fuck.

I hate asking you this on an open forum, but do you know the 'timing' of the cheating. It's a horrible question to ask, but I know you have your own music studio, and are probably quite well-off and financially independent... And I'm going to leave it there.

Aside from that, feeling the way you do, you need to BOTH go see a QUALIFIED relationship councilor. And, if you decide to go to a councilor, you BOTH need to be completely honest with the councilor and yourselves.

Easier said than done, but without proper communication...

You'll get over it.

Sounds like she has let go already, so it's probably time for you to do so as well. Easier said that done, I fucking know that all to well, but if things go the way they should and in a healthy and speedy manner, you will have moved past this whole shitstorm in just a few months. Time will heal all of this, you just need to keep your absolute priorities in mind: your well-being and maybe even more importantly, your daughter's well-being. See, you're no good to your daughter if you're an emotional and financial wreck and being as young as she is, her first memories are going to be on the way anytime. Just do your best and you'll move past all of the hurt.

As sushi says, the childs welfare is the main importance here, and I hope that you manage to sort things out for her sake. she's obviously in guilt, beit post natal depression or you're not giving her enough love & security (money does not = security in this case) I'm unsure of the specifics of US law, but over here both sides need to be in agreement for divorce except in odd circumstances, which I think yours don't really fit since it's her cheating on you, not you on her. Try to talk to her about it, shes probably just feeling major guilt.

Divorce, push for full custody, when you achieve it (given that the divorce is happening because she cheated, you could probably paint her as a pretty bad moral example fairly easily) offer her custody in return for having to pay no child support, go out, drink a ton, send lots of interesting powders up your nose and go home with some random.

Remember, when you're depressed and in pain, the best way to deal with it is to suppress it as much as possible and bury it under a haze of mind-altering substances. Sure you'll feel like crap in the morning, but that doesn't matter because you feel good 'now'.

Or will once you start hitting the drugs and booze.

Keep yourself busy. This sort of isolation and depression will feed itself if you allow it to and the best way to fight it is keep busy. Exercise, or go for a drive. Hit the bars with your pals. Spend some time with your daughter if it's not too painful to do so. Make sure that you're communicating with your woman; if you're married, it's likely you'll find a way to make it work. People in marriages do face these problems, and I'll bet that you can find a way to salvage. And even if you can't, again, keep busy and find a way to move forward.

And try not to get too trashed on a frequent basis. When you're depressed your hangovers will be a thousand times worse, as a warning..

Re: coping

quote:

Originally posted by enferno as some of you know, my wife wants a divorce. she wouldn't tell me why, until 4 days ago. she called me and told me that she cheated on me, only once, and couldn't live with herself for doing that to me. she said she still loves me, but can't go on, that i would never trust her again, etc. etc.

My guess, either she's looking for you to forgive her and allieviate her guilt or she doesn't actually want to remain married under any circumstances. Sorry, the latter option is harsh but it is a probability.

I'm not sure how I would react in your situation, as I've never suspected my wife of cheating. Generally, I think what you both need to ask is whether or not one sexual indiscression is worth dissolving your marriage. This is not an easy task. It is a highly personal decision you two need to make. You need to take stock of your relationship and figure out exactly what it means to you. Then you need to assess how your view of your wife has changed as a result of this change in your reality. Next, you need to decide whether or not you can move past this... whether or not your view of your wife can ever return to what it was. Finally, you need to determine whether this betrayal is sever enough to warrant giving up all that you have together.

I see a number of responses encouraging the dissolution of the marriage... I will not be one of them. This is not an easy decision, it cannot be made lightly, and certainly should not be made with undue consideration of what other people feel. Myself, I think I would try like hell to forgive my wife and move on. I doubt it would be very easy to do so, however, what Mrs. Hazard and I have is worth far more to me then sexual exclusivity. That may or may not be the case for you, some people care more about the manogomy aspect of marriage then I do.... only you can judge that.

I suppose my advice is this: be very judicious in making your decisions regarding what to do next. Furthermore, if you decide (together) you cannot move past this then try to be as amicable as possible through the dissolution process... don't let the hurt and other emotions overshadow good judgment and civility. Alternatively, if you decide to try to work things out, you need to be willing to move past this, you cannot use it as leverage in the future, you cannot allow it to govern your actions, and you cannot allow it to remain as a barrier to trust... if you want things to work you have to try to get back to normal as quickly as possible (this will not be easy, however, if you hold on to this it will never work).

I'm very sorry, man. I wish you the best of luck in whatever the two of you decide, I wish you peace with your decision, and I hope you can recover from this be it together or apart.

Re: coping

quote:

Originally posted by enferno how do you guys cope/move one/keep getting up in the morning after being so terribly betrayed?

I honestly don't know, I've got nothing for you and unlike a lot of other people here I won't BS trying to look useful, giving you any dodgy suggestions about something I don't know anything about. I mean I've got my own ways of dealing with things but they probably aren't applicable to you or anyone else, if you've got any close friends and family about, go hang out with them and get some ideas from them.
Until then, I just wish you the best, take care and hope it ends up how you want it to end up.

You know, I used to say that cheating, even ONCE, was unforgivable. But now I disagree with that.

People make mistakes, and in situations like this you have to look at past behavior and see that it's not a pattern...that it IS just a once in a lifetime mistake.

I don't think something like this is worth ending what is otherwise an honest, loving, and caring relationship.

Forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts you can give another person. It doesn't justify the behaviour, but it lets them know that their mistakes make them human and that they can move on.

Talk to your wife, try to understand why this happened and help her to deal with it....I'm sure she's hurting as much as you are too. You're still married, and that's what marriage is - a partnership - you're going through this TOGETHER, so you should talk about it together.

quote:

Originally posted by jennypie You know, I used to say that cheating, even ONCE, was unforgivable. But now I disagree with that. People make mistakes, and in situations like this you have to look at past behavior and see that it's not a pattern...that it IS just a once in a lifetime mistake. I don't think something like this is worth ending what is otherwise an honest, loving, and caring relationship. Forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts you can give another person. It doesn't justify the behaviour, but it lets them know that their mistakes make them human and that they can move on. Talk to your wife, try to understand why this happened and help her to deal with it....I'm sure she's hurting as much as you are too. You're still married, and that's what marriage is - a partnership - you're going through this TOGETHER, so you should talk about it together.

i like this post.

Re: Re: coping

quote:

Originally posted by Moral Hazard My guess, either she's looking for you to forgive her and allieviate her guilt or she doesn't actually want to remain married under any circumstances. Sorry, the latter option is harsh but it is a probability.

yea i was thinking the same thing. i find it strange that she is just like insisting that it's over due to HER deciding for you that you won't be able to forgive her. it might be a cop out, but you never know.

and yea, pretty much everything else moral hazard posted, and i too am extremely sorry to hear this. being cheated on is no fun. i had to go on anti-deprssants when i got cheated on by my first love, i can't imagine being cheated on in marriage with kids in the equation. i would rather go through physical pain than emotional pain like that.

just know that whatever the outcome, this will pass eventually and make you stronger. it could take years though.

Re: coping

quote:

Originally posted by enferno as some of you know, my wife wants a divorce. she wouldn't tell me why, until 4 days ago. she called me and told me that she cheated on me, only once, and couldn't live with herself for doing that to me. she said she still loves me, but can't go on, that i would never trust her again, etc. etc. now, i've never been cheated on before. i'm crushed. i can't sleep more than an hour or two a night. when i eat food i feel sick to the stomach. i can't do anything without relating it to her, to us. i want to forgive her, i want to take her back, but it's not up to me. how do you guys cope/move one/keep getting up in the morning after being so terribly betrayed?

how long have you guys been together ?

my biggest concern would be focusing on maintaining healthy relationships of any kind. Betrayal makes you go through a "I was too trusting" etc phase. You cannot let someone else abusing trust make you think that trust is the bad guy.

This whole story sounds weird and I didn't even know you had a kid?

It also depends on your view of marriage and what marriage means and therefore what divorce means. One body one soul all that and they have hurt themselves as much as you in doing so and healing the wound would be best for the both/one of you.

but marriage is scary like that. You cant say you arent going to be in a position to let that person betray you again if you stay married. You have hope the left hand stays as honest as the right.

Again, this all sounds very odd. I dont know what to think.

quote:

Originally posted by Orbax You cannot let someone else abusing trust make you think that trust is the bad guy.

Yup. Agreed 100%.

for someone who is appealing to a higher moral code of what people should and shouldnt do, you really arent painting a picture of how people would want to be treated if they were on the other end.

Forgiving is harder than being an asshole.

quote:

Originally posted by Spike Has she expressed any remorse to the guy? NO

quote:

Originally posted by enferno only once, and couldn't live with herself for doing that to me. she said she still loves me, but can't go on,

sounds like it to me.

Re: Re: coping

It appears she wants out of the marriage. She told you that she cheated on you (it may be true, or not) in the hopes that it would make you more amicable to terminating the marriage, and thus (perversely) she will feel less guilty about leaving.

There's probably nothing you can do to feel significantly better about the whole situation, so just try to distract yourself as much as possible and in time you will gradually think about it less often and therefore it will bother you less and it will be easier to move on.

yea find out if she was emotionally unfaithful or just sexually unfaithful to you. That makes a difference. I can see the sexually unfaithful happening in a forgivable situation, but the other, not so much.


To me, knowing the entire truth...or as much of the truth as I can get is very calming. Its the unknown that would keep me up at night.

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