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-- Transformers: The Abridged Script

Transformers: The Abridged Script

Transformers: The Abridged Script

funny read, no cor version just read

original here:http://www.the-editing-room.com/transformers.html

quote:

FADE IN: EXT. MIDDLE EAST Some TOTALLY AWESOME AND BAD ASS MILITARY SHIT flies around ready to fucking kick some fucking ass! JOSH DUHAMEL, TYRESE GIBSON, AMAURY NOLASCO, and ZACK WARD act masculine and spit their lines through clenched teeth. TYRESE GIBSON Man, all of this military shit is starting to give me the creeps. JOSH DUHAMEL Because you know that one of these vehicles is going to turn into a murderous gigantic robot? TYRESE GIBSON No, because Michael Bay shoots military scenes the way other people shoot pornos. Is there even a name for a fetish where people get off on army gear? ZACK WARD I can�t wait to get out of this generic middle eastern war zone. (wistful) Getting back home, enjoying a baseball game and a beer� JOSH DUHAMEL �holding my newborn daughter for the first time� TYRESE GIBSON �wasting eight bucks on a Michael Bay noisefest� Eventually, MICHAEL BAY feels satisfied that he has given these characters enough personality that people will care about them, so it�s time for something LOUD! A HELICOPTER turns into a FUCKING GIANT FUCKING ROBOT and SHOOTS THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF EVERYTHING! Nobody important dies, but the robot, BLACKOUT, steals some files. BLACKOUT Roflcopter! I�m in ur networx, haxx0ring ur filez! INT. HIGH SCHOOL SHIA LABEOUF gives an oral report on his grandfather to a class of ADULTS pretending to be TEENAGERS. SHIA LABEOUF Yeah, so my great, great grandfather used to be a famous explorer. I�m selling his glasses on eBay. He went crazy, saying he discovered a giant robot buried in the ice. TEACHER Excellent expository report, Shia. You crammed in about as much plot-relevant information as possible so that the writers wouldn�t have to do anything clever with it. A-. SHIA LABEOUF Great, now I can go buy a car that�s actually a robotic alien sent to earth to protect me. It�s a good thing the evil robots waited to attack the planet until after I�m old enough to drive. SHIA finds a yellow �74 Camaro named BUMBLEBEE that he likes solely because there�s a black stripe on the car, indicating that SHIA is a moron. BERNIE MAC You should buy this car from me, because I�m slimy and fast-talking. Five thousand dollars. SHIA LABEOUF Four thousand - I figure you owe me a thousand from the time I accidentally watched an episode of The Bernie Mac show. BERNIE refuses to negotiate, but then BUMBLEBEE uses his stereo to completely destroy the windows of BERNIE�S other cars. SHIA LABEOUF Ha, now that�s a Camaro with attitude! I assume four thousand is enough now! BERNIE MAC My God. My entire inventory. Ruined. I�ll never be able to pay for the repairs to all of these vehicles. My business is ruined. You single-handedly just completely destroyed my life. All because I wanted another thousand dollars for the coolest car on the fucking planet. BERNIE probably goes home and kills himself, but we don�t care because we want to see more GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS. INT. GOVERNMENT AGENCY JON VOIGHT talks to a group of high school students. JON VOIGHT Someone hacked a bunch of our files. We need you high school computer whizzes to help us. RACHAEL TAYLOR Why high school students? JON VOIGHT They�re our target demographic. Look, we�re not even going to pretend the premise of this movie makes sense. Let it go, we�re just trying to sell toys and cars. A SMALL, TOTALLY OBNOXIOUS ROBOT hacks into the government again, this time from a moving airplane, because COMPUTER NETWORKS are MAGICAL. RACHAEL TAYLOR I think the obnoxious robot has somehow uploaded a computer virus to the network. JON VOIGHT It uploaded a destructive virus to a completely foreign network that is somehow compatible with the virus code? Only Michael Bay would think it was worth ripping off the stupidest part of Independence Day for his own movie. A GEORGE W. BUSH impersonator asks for some ding-dongs. DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY LOOK I�M TRYING POLITICAL HUMOR NOW HA HA OKAY LET�S BLOW SOMETHING UP! EXT. MIDDLE EAST The SOLDIERS are walking around in the DESERT when suddenly they are attacked by a GIANT FUCKING ROBOTIC SCORPION. JOSH DUHAMEL Oh no, a robotic scorpion! I wonder what kind of vehicle it turns into. ROBOTIC SCORPION Huh? No, this is all I am. I�m a robotic scorpion. I don�t transform. ZACK WARD We�re three robots into the movie and we�re already inconsistent with the title? ROBOTIC SCORPION Hey, didn�t you get cast as the star of the next Uwe Boll movie? I�ll just spare us all and kill you now. The SCORPION kills ZACK. The remaining soldiers blow up all kinds of stuff and call in planes to blow up more stuff. Eventually one of the things blown up is the ROBOTIC SCORPION. Also a MIDDLE EASTERN guy is unhelpful and picks his nose, because MICHAEL BAY doesn�t know the difference between COMEDY and RACISM. EXT. CALIFORNIA SHIA tries to get into MEGAN FOX�S PANTS. MEGAN FOX I�m hot, but I also know about car engines because Michael Bay thinks that the best way to give a character a personality is to have them know something technical. SHIA LABEOUF Guh, you�re soft. I�m so glad we have so many classes together. MEGAN FOX Classes? I�m supposed to be in high school? I could barely pass for a college student. Is Michael Bay blind? SHIA LABEOUF No, just unbelievably stupid. DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY MEGAN HAS NICE TITS LOOK AT THEM! ALRIGHT IT�S TIME FOR SOME FIGHTING NOW! SHIA discovers that his car turns into a GIANT FUCKING ROBOT. He is chased by a different GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, BARRICADE. BARRICADE ARE YOU EBAY USER LADIESMAN217? SHIA LABEOUF Holy shit, yes! BARRICADE I BOUGHT THIS LINKIN PARK CD FROM YOU AND IT�S SCRATCHED. I CAN�T PLAY MY FAVORITE SONG AND IF YOU DON�T GIVE ME A REFUND I�M LEAVING YOU NEGATIVE FEEDBACK! Suddenly, BUMBLEBEE rescues SHIA. There is a mess of incomprehensible, blurry metal on the screen. We assume robots are FIGHTING and that it KICKS ASS. Shitty buttrock blares as the GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS fight each other. SHIA LABEOUF God, the movie is so cheesy it almost seems like Michael Bay is satirizing his own style. Eventually, BARRICADE is destroyed, though not enough to prevent it from showing up later in the movie. Also, BUMBLEBEE converts itself into a modern CAMARO. SHIA LABEOUF Wait, transformers can just turn into a completely different machines whenever they want? That completely invalidates the premise. Why does Bumblebee retain aspects of the Camaro when in robot mode if he could just shapeshift into any kind of robot he wants at will? CHEVROLET So that we can sell cars, moron. What do you think the point of the movie is, to explore the human condition? Chevrolet: An American Revolution. INT. GOVERNMENT AGENCY RACHAEL TAYLOR visits ANTHONY ANDERSON. ANTHONY ANDERSON I�m fat! And black! That�s fucking comedy gold right there! RACHAEL TAYLOR Anonthy, I need your help. ANTHONY ANDERSON With figuring out what�s hacking into the government computers? RACHAEL TAYLOR No, I just need character that�s even more worthless than me so that I seem relevant to the story. They fail to figure out what is hacking the computers, then they are locked up in an interrogation room, thereby ensuring that they can�t accomplish anything in the movie at all. EXT. CALIFORNIA More TRANSFORMERS present themselves to SHIA. PETER CULLEN I am Peter Cullen, leader of the Autobots. We learned English using the internet. SHIA LABEOUF Didn�t you guys just arrive in comets? How did you have internet access? PETER CULLEN Umm� SHIA LABEOUF It�s a crime someone as breathtakingly stupid as Michael Bay gets to be so rich. The TRANSFORMERS and SHIA go to SHIA�S HOUSE. PETER CULLEN When your great, great grandfather found evil robot Hugo Weaving in the arctic, he accidentally activated him, which resulted in his location being imprinted on the glasses you tried to sell on eBay. And when I say location, I am referring to the location that Hugo would later be transported to by your government. SHIA LABEOUF � MEGAN FOX I can�t believe someone made a movie where the scenes in which gigantic toy robots fight each other are the LEAST ridiculous scenes in it. The GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS ruin the flower garden and try to avoid being seen by SHIA�S PARENTS. SHIA LABEOUF When did this movie turn into an episode of ALF? Can we get to the part of the movie where robots fight and Michael Bay bukkakes my childhood? All of the human characters met so far are transported to HOOVER DAM, secret location of HUGO WEAVING. INT. HOOVER DAM JOHN TURTURRO introduces himself to everyone. JOHN TUTURRO Hello one-dimensional human characters. I am the leader of an overused film cliche: a secret agency that knew about the giant robots all along. We�ve been hiding this huge cube, the MacGuffinSpark. It contains energy that turns ordinary electronic and mechanical devices into homicidal robots. RACHAEL TAYLOR But didn�t the MacGuffinSpark also make the autobots? How come they aren�t evil? DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY STOP ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS IT�S TIME TO BLOW SOMETHING UP! All of the DECEPTICONS and AUTOBOTS converge for a massive battle. HUGO WEAVING awakens from his robocoma. HUGO WEAVING Raowwwr! I�m going to kill you, Peter Cullen! PETER CULLEN You speak English, too? HUGO WEAVING Um� 19th century internet? All of the GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS fight each other as MICHAEL BAY spends his entire special effects budget. MICHAEL BAY NOTICE HOW ALL OF THE BAD ROBOTS ARE AUTHORITARIAN SYMBOLS LIKE MILITARY AND POLICE VEHICLES WHILE THE GOOD ROBOTS ARE SPORTS CARS AND AMBULANCES? I�M A SUBTLE POLITICAL COMMENTATOR NOW OKAY SO LET�S CRASH THROUGH SOME BUILDINGS! HUGO WEAVING Why do you protect these humans, Peter? Humans are too violent to live. PETER CULLEN This from a guy that used to transform into a pistol? HUGO WEAVING Look, the 80�s were a long time ago. I experimented, okay? I was in college and I thought maybe I could be a gun for a while. It�s cool, I�m 100% Alien Jet now. BUMBLEBEE makes the MacGuffinSpark small enough for SHIA to carry around. JOSH DUHAMEL Shia, you have to get to the roof of some building. A helicopter will pick you up and take you to safety. SHIA LABEOUF How? Two of the bad guys are jets and another is a military chopper. Can this helicopter teleport or something? JOSH DUHAMEL Michael Bay doesn�t know how to direct an action sequence without someone needing to get to run toward something, so you better get moving before the movie gets boring again. SHIA LABEOUF On my way. I don�t think I could endure another 20 minutes of robots breaking my lawn furniture. HUGO WEAVING chases SHIA toward a helicopter that he could easily shoot down once SHIA is on board. HUGO WEAVING Give me that MacGuffinSpark, boy! With it, I can turn thousands of household items into robots, all of which I could sell as toys! Mwa-ha-ha! SHIA turns around and points the MacGuffinSpark at HUGO, which kills him. MEGAN FOX What the hell? Did you just kill him using the very item he was trying to acquire? How did you know that would work? SHIA LABEOUF I tried to think of the most nonsensical ending the movie could have, and I knew that�s what Michael Bay would do. Everyone decides to sink HUGO rather than DESTROY him for some reason. PETER CULLEN (V.O.) We�ve now made Earth our home. We stay in lame-o vehicle mode all of the time now, watching over humanity, and waiting for the sequel. BUMBLEBEE Stay through the credits if you want to endure more godawful whiny rock music. END

the Camaro wasn't a lame-o vehicle

moar abridging plz

quote:

Originally posted by SuspicionVandit the Camaro wasn't a lame-o vehicle

+1 I wet my pants when the car changed, from old to new.

cameros have always been lame. if they shapeshift & kill people, maybe not, but the car, itself, sucks. I'm looking at you, Marc Summers.

holy fucking shit that was awesome

also a big fuckig LOL+1 to michael bay not being able to do an action sequence where someone isn't running towards something

quote:

Originally posted by josh4 normally the making-fun-of would be funny but in this case the movie actually was really well done

i mean...it was pretty entertaining, but if you stop to think, about any single element of the movie, it sucks
i let myself enjoy it when i watched it, and liked it. then stopped to think about it, and felt ashamed for enjoying it

quote:

Originally posted by josh4 normally the making-fun-of would be funny but in this case the movie actually was really well done

+1

i dont like cars, not a fan other than it getting me from point A to B but this movie blew me, and my mind too.
HATERSHATERSHATERS.

I enjoyed to so much. I was a Trasformers kids since day 1 so this movie to me was like, "OMG HUGE TRANSFORMERS" cheese factor was through the roof, yes.

Shia LaBeouf is adorable
Megan Fox is hot
Dude fuckin Jon Voight!!

Ace

quote:

Originally posted by josh4 its a summer blockbuster by michael bay, thats about all you can ask for and it doesn't promise anything more. as the genre goes, this one should be studied for being a prime example

what genre's that?
the blowing shit up every couple minutes to keep the movie going genre?

his movies, in a word, are hedonistic. if you want to not think before, during, or after the movie, then sure. go for it. but if you want any substance whatsoever, you leave feeling very very empty

quote:

Originally posted by josh4 its a summer blockbuster by michael bay, thats about all you can ask for and it doesn't promise anything more. as the genre goes, this one should be studied for being a prime example. i mean he did it, bay did it, pretty much every element of the movie was done to perfection, thats why so many people are coming back from the theater loving the movie even those that wouldn't normally be for something like transformers. its not perfection of a great movie its about as good as a big-budget commercial summer blockbuster can get

i disagree with u sir. Big blockbuster movies can (and should) have both story and eye-popping effects as far as I'm concerned. u say it should be studied(by whom?) lol. i think our expectations at the cinema have degraded so badly to the point where almost anything goes nowadays. things like a coherent plot, honesty in motivations...lol who needs those?

quote:

Originally posted by josh4 its a summer blockbuster by michael bay, thats about all you can ask for and it doesn't promise anything more. as the genre goes, this one should be studied for being a prime example. i mean he did it, bay did it, pretty much every element of the movie was done to perfection, thats why so many people are coming back from the theater loving the movie even those that wouldn't normally be for something like transformers. its not perfection of a great movie its about as good as a big-budget commercial summer blockbuster can get

damn you and your edits!

good blockbusters? yeah i'm thinking more along the lines of batman begins. hell, apocalypto was pretty fucking good. and some actual emotion in it too! ugh i'm crossing my fingers for the bourne ultimatum and sunshine (mostly the latter) because this year's been fucking awful so far

BUT and this is a big but,(insert disclaimer) but i am merely making a few observations and all peoples are entitled to their own opinion whehter or not they agree with my statements or the statements of that of the writer(s) of the abridged script.

quote:

Originally posted by mezzir i mean...it was pretty entertaining, but if you stop to think, about any single element of the movie, it sucks i let myself enjoy it when i watched it, and liked it. then stopped to think about it, and felt ashamed for enjoying it

I left the theatre giving it an 7.5 but since then it's dropped to "this movie just sucked" category. The more I think about it, the more it sucked.

quote:

ANTHONY ANDERSON I�m fat! And black! That�s fucking comedy gold right there!

quote:

Originally posted by Spike i disagree with u sir. Big blockbuster movies can (and should) have both story and eye-popping effects as far as I'm concerned. u say it should be studied(by whom?) lol. i think our expectations at the cinema have degraded so badly to the point where almost anything goes nowadays. things like a coherent plot, honesty in motivations...lol who needs those?

YES
one thing ANY genre should have is emotion
i felt no reason whatsoever to be rooting for anyone. hell i was kinda hoping megatron would just kick major ass. shia ledouche is an annoying little fuck who seems kinda like a better looking, but far more annoying version of justin long. OH GOD HE GETS FLUSTERED ALL THE TIME LOL! regardless of genre, a movie needs substance. if you were already a transformers fan, you'd be attached to the characters already, but since i wasn't i felt no pull towards them whatsoever.

oh and the fact that they had to specify that qatar was in the middle east was really fucking annoying, but also clued me in quite early as to the intelligence level of the average viewer this movie's aimed towards

First off, I hate all this hype on Michael Bay to begin with. It gets at the root of the twisted Hollywood system where it's just assumed a film belongs to the director and star faces. However, there are many many more people involved. Bay doesn't create many of the stories of the movies he is involved in. Hell, I would be shocked if he did any serious writing on the script. Take The Rock for example. Great blockbuster movie imo. It certainly didn't shy away from the explosions, but Ed Harris' storyline was certainly interesting and intelligent. Then again, I'm sure there was a team of writers behind that movie.

Point is, both sides of the Bay argument are wrong and as ignorant as they claim their opponents are. Bay isn't God. There are a hell of a lot more people responsible for his films being the way they are.

quote:

Originally posted by kush paintings First off, I hate all this hype on Michael Bay to begin with. It gets at the root of the twisted Hollywood system where it's just assumed a film belongs to the director and star faces. However, there are many many more people involved. Bay doesn't create many of the stories of the movies he is involved in. Hell, I would be shocked if he did any serious writing on the script. Take The Rock for example. Great blockbuster movie imo. It certainly didn't shy away from the explosions, but Ed Harris' storyline was certainly interesting and intelligent. Then again, I'm sure there was a team of writers behind that movie. Point is, both sides of the Bay argument are wrong and as ignorant as they claim their opponents are. Bay isn't God. There are a hell of a lot more people responsible for his films being the way they are.

ehhhh
i see what you're saying, but as director, he has creative control over the movie, hence why its such a big deal. so for the same reason i think uwe boll movies are fucking terrible and Scorsese films are generally awesome, michael bay films are cheesy over-the-top mindlessly shitty action movies

granted, its a team effort, but still. he's the common factor

Who are you trying to convince? That movie was almost as shitty as pearl harbour. The only thing that prevented it from sinking that low was giant robots smashing things.

quote:

Originally posted by mezzir what genre's that? the blowing shit up every couple minutes to keep the movie going genre? his movies, in a word, are hedonistic. if you want to not think before, during, or after the movie, then sure. go for it. but if you want any substance whatsoever, you leave feeling very very empty

Dude you are going to Transformers... not Hotel Rwanda.

Besides... it was all about Optimus transforming and then the voice.
Holy shyte i got frikken goosebumps and was like sweet jesus i've been waiting since i was 7 years old for this! All i needed was the voice with the proper CGI technology to show him. I was all set with the movie right then.


Much as I am obsessed with old camaro's... i nearly fell out of my seat laughing when he "boinked" into a new one. I keep trying to figure out how to turn my car into an M3... hasn't worked yet.

quote:

Originally posted by Project-K Who are you trying to convince? That movie was almost as shitty as pearl harbour. The only thing that prevented it from sinking that low was giant robots smashing things.

Very few movies could be as shitty at Pearl Harbor.

Besides. this had some actual comedy to it.
it was cheesy geek comedy, but it worked for me because i wasn't expecting more than that.

The one thing that fanboys like me hate about the movie is the lack of character for the robots in the movie. I mean I cant remember megatron saying a line that is worth mentioning.

Tooooo many humans rambling and telling cheesy jokes.I know this movie had to be an introduction to the masses, but still, bumblebee should have been given lines.

quote:

Originally posted by mezzir ehhhh i see what you're saying, but as director, he has creative control over the movie, hence why its such a big deal. so for the same reason i think uwe boll movies are fucking terrible and Scorsese films are generally awesome, michael bay films are cheesy over-the-top mindlessly shitty action movies granted, its a team effort, but still. he's the common factor

So you are admitting it's a team effort, but you're saying since Bay has creative control over his movies they will all be bad (or at least what you expect out of him). I think you totally ignored my example of The Rock, which is by far the best movie Bay has been involved with to date, in my opinion. The writers carried took a concept that could've just been silly and made it believable, even poignant.

Take Christopher Nolan for example. He is heavily involved in the writing process of all his movies, yet if you check out the dialogue in Batman Begins, you can't help but notice the plethora of one-liners, courtesy of David Goyer (Blade, Blade II). Nolan, nor his brother who is writing the Dark Knight, have any history of one-liners. Their dialogue is far more complex, even when it's funny (think Memento with Leonard and Teddy).

Their are very very few directors that deserve the hype that surrounds them, as hardly are as responsible for the end product as you seem to think. Shyamalan, Guillermo del Toro, and the Coen brothers, those are directors with true creative control over their movies.

quote:

Originally posted by kush paintings Their are very very few directors that deserve the hype that surrounds them, as hardly are as responsible for the end product as you seem to think. Shyamalan, Guillermo del Toro, and the Coen brothers, those are directors with true creative control over their movies.

Wes Anderson.
Quentin T.
Martin Scorsese.
Peter Jackson.

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