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-- Real Quotes from the Courtroom

Posted by ChemEnhanced on Sep-12-2007 12:51:

Real Quotes from the Courtroom

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it
until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

A ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Posted by devnull on Sep-12-2007 13:16:

this is gold, gimme more!

Posted by I_Am_Vince on Sep-12-2007 14:03:

MORE!!!!

Posted by djbruuen on Sep-12-2007 14:28:

omg, some of these are so funny, its almost hard to believe it could of actually taken place in a court room

Posted by CAKE on Sep-12-2007 14:41:

Bwahahahhahahahhaha this is Gold !

Posted by DigitalMP on Sep-12-2007 14:55:

Re: Real Quotes from the Courtroom

quote:
Originally posted by ChemEnhanced

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

hahahahahaha

Posted by me@t k@tie on Sep-12-2007 15:05:

Hahahaha, wikkid thread.

Posted by exstasie on Sep-12-2007 15:08:

Nice...Love this stuff.

Might give it a buy:

http://www.amazon.com/Disorder-Cour...m/dp/0393319288

Posted by UmmiE on Sep-12-2007 15:09:

LOL hahaha more plz

Posted by Yohan on Sep-12-2007 16:20:

Re: Real Quotes from the Courtroom

quote:
Originally posted by ChemEnhanced
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________

LMAO

Posted by TO guy on Sep-12-2007 16:30:

This shit is funny and all, but you really need to make the witnesses say very particular things on the court record, and sometimes the questions have to be stupid. You can't just say that "she had three kids and no boys." You actually have to make the witness say "she had three kids, no boys and three girls."

Posted by rabbitjoker on Sep-12-2007 17:42:

This was a great laugh!

Posted by teufel-man on Sep-12-2007 17:45:

quote:
Originally posted by TO guy
This shit is funny and all, but you really need to make the witnesses say very particular things on the court record, and sometimes the questions have to be stupid. You can't just say that "she had three kids and no boys." You actually have to make the witness say "she had three kids, no boys and three girls."

yeah i forgot about that, good point

p.s. a lot of the last lines were just added in for comedic effect, i saw this thing before and it didnt contain the lines such as "can i get a new attourney because mine is an idiot...", obviously those things werent actually said

Posted by exstasie on Sep-12-2007 18:18:

Posted by ChemEnhanced on Sep-12-2007 18:33:

quote:
Originally posted by teufel-man
yeah i forgot about that, good point

p.s. a lot of the last lines were just added in for comedic effect, i saw this thing before and it didnt contain the lines such as "can i get a new attourney because mine is an idiot...", obviously those things werent actually said

Actually, you would be surprised at some of the things said in court....I have read many court transcripts and some of the answers you get are just stupid.....its definately not like Law and Order court rooms. I know when I testified in court I was asked if it was my signature on a statement I took and I replied "It looks like my signature but I can't read what it says."

Posted by Endlesswave on Sep-12-2007 22:04:

LOL these are awesome.
Thanks for bringing the laughs on my bday, being stuck at work is shitty

Posted by Endgame on Sep-12-2007 23:00:

quote:
Originally posted by exstasie
You never know!

One of my favourite segments is Headlines on Jay Leno and you wouldn't believe some of the stupidity that people post in print haha.

Always gotta be home from work by 11:30 on Mondays to catch headlines. Its turned into a household event at my place lol.

Posted by exstasie on Sep-13-2007 00:37:

quote:
Originally posted by Endgame
Always gotta be home from work by 11:30 on Mondays to catch headlines. Its turned into a household event at my place lol.

haha nice.

It was a rutual for me and my GF to watch it every monday when we were in res...even if we had to study for a huge exam!

Were trying to get tickets to see him as were going to be LA sometime next year. Would love to be there on a monday!