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-- Your Wife's Been in an Accident

Posted by Opti on Apr-25-2002 09:04:

Your Wife's Been in an Accident

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident.

He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident.

They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"

The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"

"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."

Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as he'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincter. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fucking with you. She's dead."

Damnitt, it's Friday. Fuck!

Funny

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down
here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till
we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already
dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker,
slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.

You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of
crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the
drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never
realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays

Posted by dj_mdma on Apr-25-2002 11:55:

WAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!

Posted by Zayatz on Apr-25-2002 13:42:

Great jokes, optimus

Posted by Gucio on Apr-25-2002 14:39:

BUAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Posted by QuickStep on Apr-25-2002 15:09:

hahahahahahahhahahahaa

Fridays! hahaha, that was too funny!

hahahahahaha

Posted by DJ Teknique on May-01-2002 17:55:

hahahahah thats some funny shit

Posted by Kevin on May-01-2002 19:51:

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!

Thats the funniest shit i've read in a long time.

Thanks

Posted by OrZonE on May-02-2002 02:30:

Ohhhh man, that made me laugh hard.........the 2nd one is GOLDD!!!!

Posted by Drifter on May-02-2002 02:36:

lol

Posted by dospunk on May-02-2002 02:46:

i'd heard the first one but damn that second one was some funny ass shit

Posted by Dj Dovla on May-02-2002 02:51:

HAHAHA , we all hate fridays now

Posted by OtakuCat on May-02-2002 05:33:

Posted by tc-fan on May-02-2002 05:55:

o shit fucking funny

Posted by eXeTik on May-02-2002 06:30:

LOL, that's some funny shit!

Posted by drizzt81 on May-02-2002 08:21:

quote:
Originally posted by QuickStep
hahahahahahahhahahahaa

Fridays! hahaha, that was too funny!

hahahahahaha

bahahahahahhahaa FRIDAYS hahahah

rotfl

omg

Posted by Raptor on May-02-2002 10:21:

hahahaha.