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Falling OUT of love... How do you know?

How do you know you're falling out of love? Could constant bickering and fighting and spite be just something temporary, a phase? Or is it the beginning of the end? I think after 6 very happy and 1.5 quite miserable years with my wife (not my kids) I think I'm just about ready to check out. I realized that there's no cure for religion and its like poison, eating away at our relationship. It obviously carries more significance for her than it does for me and these skirmishes are killing me. I hate coming home lately, yesterday I just crashed at the office couch and stayed at work...

dunno. obviously I'll get my share of "buttsexx fixes everything" or "your whaaaaambulance has arrived" comments, but hoping to find some peer advise amidst the usual CORe callousness.

thoughts?

Obviously, none of us can really tell you what to do, despite us not knowing the full situation; and even if we knew all of the facts, it would be quite wrong for anyone to tell you what your decision should be...

That said, have you considered marriage counseling? I am quite skeptical of most methods of psychology/therapy, myself, but it certainly seems to put a lot of people at ease - perhaps your wife would benefit from it if you had the right attitude and it would help arise some very repressed feelings in the matter. Dunno if this will be good or bad, but the truth is the truth and the sooner you get it out, the sooner you can move on.

If that doesn't seem an option, try speaking with her about how you really feel? Try finding yourself a little more? It's really super common for married males at middle-age to say "I just don't know who I am anymore" and in this not be able to communicate with their partner effectively. Relationships are very much based on constant communication... which some people just aren't meant for in the long run.

It would be a convenient thing to blame her religion on your marital problems, as I am sure it is a source of staunch disagreement, but you could try being more accepting of her ways, as could she. It's perfectly normal for married couples to find separate activities to direct their lives while still maintaining good communication skills and it's quite healthy - after all, it's the things you have and keep in common that will allow you to still be attracted to one another, but it's the things you do without one another that will allow you to put up with the other person.

Like I said, nobody here knows all of the details of your relationship, just generalizing given common knowledge about marital relationships.

/better than Dr. Phil

//Oh, have you tried crying on her yet? That works sometimes.

when in doubt...do what she wants.


seems to work.

Re: Falling OUT of love... How do you know?

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Originally posted by emc^2 How do you know you're falling out of love? Could constant bickering and fighting and spite be just something temporary, a phase? Or is it the beginning of the end? I think after 6 very happy and 1.5 quite miserable years with my wife (not my kids) I think I'm just about ready to check out. I realized that there's no cure for religion and its like poison, eating away at our relationship. It obviously carries more significance for her than it does for me and these skirmishes are killing me. I hate coming home lately, yesterday I just crashed at the office couch and stayed at work... dunno. obviously I'll get my share of "buttsexx fixes everything" or "your whaaaaambulance has arrived" comments, but hoping to find some peer advise amidst the usual CORe callousness. thoughts?

SKirmishes over what? Is she trying to convert you?

quote:

Originally posted by Halcyon+On+On That said, have you considered marriage counseling? I am quite skeptical of most methods of psychology/therapy, myself, but it certainly seems to put a lot of people at ease - perhaps your wife would benefit from it if you had the right attitude and it would help arise some very repressed feelings in the matter. Dunno if this will be good or bad, but the truth is the truth and the sooner you get it out, the sooner you can move on.

not an option. I suggested it many times, she says "I don't need help, you do". Her own parents (whom she always revered) have 0 influence. Doubt shrink will be able to even make a hairline scratch on that inpenetrable surface. Everyone is totally shut out.

quote:

If that doesn't seem an option, try speaking with her about how you really feel? Try finding yourself a little more? It's really super common for married males at middle-age to say "I just don't know who I am anymore" and in this not be able to communicate with their partner effectively. Relationships are very much based on constant communication... which some people just aren't meant for in the long run.

Just in case you were wondering - it is possible to get blisters on tongue from all the talking. I know I had it. We had entire family intervention-style discussion which resulted in nothing. And it ain't just about the problems. See, now that she's found religion she feels the need to convert everyone and convince everyone in the fact that they need Jesus in their life. Bad day - find Jesus. Problems at home - find Jesus. Bad credit - find Jesus. You know, at certain point it just becomes tooo predictable and hardly worthwhile.

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It would be a convenient thing to blame her religion on your marital problems, as I am sure it is a source of staunch disagreement, but you could try being more accepting of her ways, as could she.

Oh, I've accepted it. I just have a problem with trying to get everyone else to follow in her footsteps, including our kids - whom I don't want falling into the same trap. Right now, most of our battles are fought over her need to drag our kids to church, against my will and repeated promisses not to disrespect my views.

quote:

It's perfectly normal for married couples to find separate activities to direct their lives while still maintaining good communication skills and it's quite healthy - after all, it's the things you have and keep in common that will allow you to still be attracted to one another, but it's the things you do without one another that will allow you to put up with the other person.

this certainly has a potential, as the area where I notice most impact is that our activities have seized being common. She no longer wishes to go out to clubs, doesn't go to casino, wouldn't watch any comedy that even remotely pokes fun at religion, etc. Not to mention gives me shit about fucking cursing around her.

quote:

//Oh, have you tried crying on her yet? That works sometimes.

I don't have that capacity, even if I had an onion taped to my eyelids. just one harsh bastaid.

Re: Re: Falling OUT of love... How do you know?

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Originally posted by Krypton SKirmishes over what? Is she trying to convert you?

yup. me, my family, even her own mom. Tells her own mother that she shouldn't watch tv, gossip, and all her health problems are because she does not read bible and pray.

Re: Re: Re: Falling OUT of love... How do you know?

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Originally posted by emc^2 yup. me, my family, even her own mom. Tells her own mother that she shouldn't watch tv, gossip, and all her health problems are because she does not read bible and pray.

That's fundamentalist Christianity for ya...

I think a Christian should show their faith by how they lead their lives; and not by how many they convert...

Love is tough, man. I've been with my bf for 9 years, and we've had our share of down times. The thing that keeps us together is remembering that we deeply care for each other.

I will tell you, that whenever we fight, it stems from boredom and nothing more. Whenever I have doubts, I just think to myself that my bf is a person that is worth fighting through the bullshit for. That brings me back to a place where I don't get short fused and am more tolerant, etc.

I dunno if that helps...every relationship is different, so I don't usually like to give advice.

quote:

Originally posted by jennypie Love is tough, man. I've been with my bf for 9 years, and we've had our share of down times. The thing that keeps us together is remembering that we deeply care for each other. I will tell you, that whenever we fight, it stems from boredom and nothing more. Whenever I have doubts, I just think to myself that my bf is a person that is worth fighting through the bullshit for. That brings me back to a place where I don't get short fused and am more tolerant, etc. I dunno if that helps...every relationship is different, so I don't usually like to give advice.

Good post.

I remember you writing that you're staying in the marriage mostly because of the kids. From what you wrote here it seems that the environment they're in right now is definitely not good for them. Witnessing their parents constantly fighting makes children join emo-corner. But I'm not even going to attempt to give you advice on raising kids, just something I wanted to point out.

If we go by your account then it seems as everything is up to you. She's not willing to change her point of view or at least accept yours and somehow find a suitable compromise that works for everyone. That leaves you with a choice of either succumbing to her ways or taking off.

As per your title. unless you believe in unconditional love (and it doesn't seem that you do) it's entirely possible to fall out of love. Throughout your time together its very plausible that either one of you may change as a person and the after effect of that may very well be losing romantic interest in your partner or vice versa.

Ultimately, the best solution is to talk it out with her in such a way that she realizes the gravity of your concern and that your marriage is at stake.

Buttsexx fixes everything.

































In case that fails, try finding Jesus.

This is how you know

Re: Re: Re: Re: Falling OUT of love... How do you know?

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Originally posted by Krypton I think a Christian should show their faith by how they lead their lives; and not by how many they convert...

lol, i have that same point of view. i recently moved and right across the street is a church. i was out raking leaves one day and someone from the church came over and invited me to come to his church for one of their services, i politely declined and just said "its not my sort of thing, i'm just not really into it" and he spent the next 10 - 15 minutes trying to sell me on how going to church and being saved is so great and so wonderful, and he just wouldn't take anything as an excuse. i really didn't want to be a dick to him since i live right across the street and all. so he finally just gave up and went away, and ever since he doesn't wave to me when i drive up, or say hello when he sees me walking. its like just because i didn't want to be a follower of his religion he has no respect for me. wtf?


and to the original poster: i think we all ask our self the same question sometimes. if its gotten to the point of where you don't even want to go home, i would try counseling or something. im not sure how much you have vocalized yourself to her, but if youve just let it eat at you and keep your mouth closed, that might be a problem as well.

How long has the religion thing been going on for? Cos it might just be a phase, perhaps stemming from her own little mid-life crisis or something. She might calm down a bit if you're willing to wait it out.

Re: Falling OUT of love... How do you know?

quote:

Originally posted by emc^2 thoughts?

Maybe take a weekend off, just you and her to a remote place (desert, beach, etc) to chill, talk, and work out your differences.
My parents have been together for about 25 years and my mother is starting to go through menopause and acting very irate from time to time. But every couple of months they take the RV and spend the weekend into the desert away from the world and everything goes back to happytown.

Try your best for the kids and good luck

Though it's hardly an endearing activity to point out someone you love's hypocrisy, why don't you just say/do whatever you like and when she questions you about whether it would be something Jesus would approve of, just say to her "well why don't you and him go ahead and forgive me?"

/Bill Hicks btw

I am a child of several divorces, so perhaps my motive to help is an emotional one, but in this sort of situation, peace-making and concessions seem to be paramount. I am sure that she would agree, given the good Xtian woman that she is.

A situation where you are afraid to go home though is a bad one. I don't know if you have realized just how much of a problem it is, sleeping at work, but not being at home both for her and for your children is a grim state of affairs. It seems important to accept this as a major problem, first and foremost - which you have probably done already, I just thought I would throw it out there.

I guess to address the original thread topic - is it possible to fall out of love? Well, several ancient philosophers deify love as some sort of eternal presence, and not that I disagree with them, as I still feel for every woman I have loved in some way (yet I don't...it's complicated), but I realize this mentality is one not necessarily shared nor designed for everyone. Love and relationships simply aren't for everybody. We are animals, and there are far greater forces than love that exist out there. It's utter foolishness, to be in love. Not that this would ever effectively deter us from feeling its pangs - or fangs, as it would be.

That said, being in a marriage is more than just love. There's an effect of communication as I said, but there are several other committments that must be abided if it is to last - and even then, nothing, as usual, is ensured in this world. Not a thing. If you don't feel you love her anymore, evaluate your situation. Look back on your past with her, your children, the great times, the bad, etc... this is all very redundant-seeming advice, but it seems to me that if you are to salvage what you have left, these are what should be done first and foremost. Maybe do it with her. Get some wine in her, talk about things, I dunno.

If all this fails, accept it, be rational about things, and be completely honest with her about how you feel. Perhaps contemplate staying together for your children - they are what should affect your decision the most, if you ask me.

I dunno, you probably went through this already, so what I have to say doesn't really help, but I just felt like expunging a bunch of worthless tripe on someone with a problem.

Preface: I haven't read any of the other responses in the thread.

My belief is that love is not some constant factor that you can gauge. How do you know when you are in love? Man, I dunno! You just KNOW! It's more of a feeling than a checklist. "Well our relationship has this, this, this and this. That settles it, it's love." Same thing for falling out of love. I know it's different for everyone but that is how I feel about it.

My thoughts are that, by posing this question, you are looking for some justification for the way you feel. It's your emotional side trying to tell your analytical side to rationalize the next step.

Just my .02. I wish you the best though.

And Ygrene hits it outta the park.

Ok, now being serious:

quote:

Originally posted by emc^2 Oh, I've accepted it. I just have a problem with trying to get everyone else to follow in her footsteps, including our kids - whom I don't want falling into the same trap. Right now, most of our battles are fought over her need to drag our kids to church, against my will and repeated promisses not to disrespect my views.

So, if I understand right, the biggest recurring issue is that she wants to take the kids to the church and you don't want it to happen? Why don't you concede on it?

In my personal case, I was raised as a christian kid going to church every weekend, attending "catequese" (don't know the translation) which is an 1-hour-class-per-week on religion and how Jesus rocks. That went on for about 10 years. Nowadays that I am an adult responsible for his actions, it seems that I didn't turn out to be a religious nutter. To be honest, if I had a choice I'd rather not have had that bit of my education. I feel a little angry and deceived whenever I enter a church - it remembers me of 10 years of brainwashing about beliefs and restrictions that I see as unrealistic and overblown on the name of an abstract, useless "morality". But I try to put things into perspective - it did teach me certain things that were indeed of value to my education. It gave me the wrong motives, but it did teach me in a very effective way to try not to hurt other people, to give a chance to everyone, etc etc. There are positive aspects in a religious education.

But, as someone said before, it is up to you (preferentially in agreement with your wife...) to decide on how to raise your kids. These are very very personal matters, that also depend a lot on many subtle factors that random idiots in a message board cannot possibly guess.

if any of you are wondering about a timeline, this has been going on for months. iirc he mentioned this back in like july or august. i cant remember. its nothing new to us c0r whores.

I'll be honest. the moment you hate coming home and actually stay out, and nothing seems to even work is the moment every effort becomes a wasted one. she obviously has no respect for you anymore since she continues to just walk right over you with respect to the religion part and your kids. she passes blame onto you for not being religious yet refuses to see the real problems. there isnt much you can really do at this point. sucks but its true.

Easy there with the blame game.

Relationships go both ways, and we have only heard his perspective on the matter. I am not saying he is wrong, but don't give advice villifying her. It's not what he needs to hear right now.

quote:

Originally posted by Halcyon+On+On Perhaps contemplate staying together for your children - they are what should affect your decision the most, if you ask me.

i generally agree with most things you say in good arguments and what not. this is one area i vehemently disagree. i cant tell you how many times that i have seen people have horrible relationships as a result of the way their parents treated each other. or as a result of how their parents treated them. this is one of those decisions that is one that is THOUGHT to help the kids but in actuality is horrible for them. it just makes them have bad assumptions about relationships and how they should or may be.

quote:

Originally posted by Halcyon+On+On Easy there with the blame game. Relationships go both ways, and we have only heard his perspective on the matter. I am not saying he is wrong, but don't give advice villifying her. It's not what he needs to hear right now.

agreed.

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Originally posted by gehzumteufel i generally agree with most things you say in good arguments and what not. this is one area i vehemently disagree. i cant tell you how many times that i have seen people have horrible relationships as a result of the way their parents treated each other. or as a result of how their parents treated them. this is one of those decisions that is one that is THOUGHT to help the kids but in actuality is horrible for them. it just makes them have bad assumptions about relationships and how they should or may be.

And what will they turn out like with parents who end up having a lengthy and tumultuous divorce or custody battle? Any better than if their parents stayed together under a quiet roof with little love for one another? Both situations can elicit problems later on in life, but how people deal with their problems is what shapes who we are. I would not be the same person had my parents stayed together - they did not argue, there was no abuse, they just decided to split somewhat peacefully and found other spouses who created even worse situations. I think my parents actually sort of regret forfeiting what they had together 20+ years ago, but that is neither here nor there.

I don't disagree with you, but I also hold that neither of us is truly in a position to judge this situation fairly. I merely threw out the idea of keeping the family unit together, as it is an option that would prvoide some shred of security for his kids. Maybe there would be little love between parents, but children are a sacrifice at times - who is to say that living conditions would be better or worse for this situation in light of divorce? None of us, that is for sure.

I know I am proposing a lot, urging someone to stay with someone they might not truly love any longer, but it is completely up to him to evaluate what he wants to do at this point. they may be able to come to some agreement to stay together and not argue for the children. It's just one of those things parents do in silence, at times. It's not a beautiful thing, nor a brilliant solution, but neither is the alternative.

quote:

Originally posted by Halcyon+On+On And what will they turn out like with parents who end up having a lengthy and tumultuous divorce or custody battle? Any better than if their parents stayed together under a quiet roof with little love for one another? Both situations can elicit problems later on in life, but how people deal with their problems is what shapes who we are. I would not be the same person had my parents stayed together - they did not argue, there was no abuse, they just decided to split somewhat peacefully and found other spouses who created even worse situations. I think my parents actually sort of regret forfeiting what they had together 20+ years ago, but that is neither here nor there. I don't disagree with you, but I also hold that neither of us is truly in a position to judge this situation fairly. I merely threw out the idea of keeping the family unit together, as it is an option that would prvoide some shred of security for his kids. Maybe there would be little love between parents, but children are a sacrifice at times - who is to say that living conditions would be better or worse for this situation in light of divorce? None of us, that is for sure.

as i am not a child of divorce i cant say i have "experience" in that sense but i have been through it with friends. thankfully the few i have helped them through most have been an amicable divorce but thats not to say there wasnt one or two that were horrible.

i agree with you. really its hard to say what is better. it depends on the situation. so many variables and what not that are unpredictable.

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