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The Texas Chili Cook-Off

I'm sure some of you have seen this. But I had to post it. This is one of the funniest stories ever told.



Chili Cook-Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chilli cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL .

Frank: 'Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILLI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILLI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILLI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILLI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILLI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILLI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILLI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT.. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

CHILLI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILLI # 6 - VERA' S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILLI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILLI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILLI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILLI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli?
Judge # 3 - No Report

omg.

*wipes tears from eyes*

that was pretty damn funny.

I need to wipe my butt w/ a snowcone HAAHAHHAHAH!!!

quote:

I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

this is all i needed. winner.

I didn't laugh at first, but then I pictured Steve wearing a propeller hat and I laughed profusely.

quote:

Originally posted by davemolina I didn't laugh at first, but then I pictured Steve wearing a propeller hat and I laughed profusely.

Step one-Take out a hammer
Step two-Take your balls out of Jaci's purse
Step three-Strike down in a forceful manner on said balls.
Step four-Picture Steve laughing and pointing south.

Repeat until dead

quote:

Originally posted by jonas Step one-Take out a hammer Step two-Take your balls out of Jaci's purse Step three-Strike down in a forceful manner on said balls. Step four-Picture Steve laughing and pointing south. Repeat until dead

You're the only person who has ever spelled her name right. I love you.

quote:

Originally posted by davemolina You're the only person who has ever spelled her name right. I love you.

I wrote it a hundred times on the chalk board

quote:

Originally posted by jonas I wrote it a hundred times on the chalk board

That's what I wanted. It's easier to stab you when you're back is turned.

quote:

Originally posted by davemolina That's what I wanted. It's easier to stab you when you're back is turned.

Dave, I just mailed you a package. Be sure and shake it before opening.

Once a gladiator...always a gladiator

quote:

Originally posted by davemolina Once a gladiator...always a gladiator

Man I miss wearing those outfits.

"eat through the chair"...

what? jonas was an A.G? aawesome!

I just want some chili

quote:

Originally posted by diggerz what? jonas was an A.G? aawesome!

Was? No. Once a Gladiator, always a Gladiator.

meh,

but now i want some chili
the way Mavie used to make.

quote:

Originally posted by jonas Was? No. Once a Gladiator, always a Gladiator.

Wow, I was a fan of that show! In fact, I think I remember a character that looks like Steve, respect! that's rad.

quote:

Originally posted by daydreamer meh, but now i want some chili the way Mavie used to make.

Now why am I not surprised you don't have a sense of humor?

because he hates puerto-ricans, Chinese, Mexicans and Caucasians alike. He's an anti-this and anti-that....

An Internet loser at best.

quote:

Originally posted by diggerz because he hates puerto-ricans, Chinese, Mexicans and Caucasians alike. He's an anti-this and anti-that.... An Internet loser at best.

He's like one of those Chinese Indians from Born in East L.A.

Orale Vato....Waaaas Sappening!!!

quote:

Originally posted by davemolina He's like one of those Chinese Indians from Born in East L.A. Orale Vato....Waaaas Sappening!!!

Psss psss psss psss psss psss psss psss psss

quote:

Originally posted by jonas Psss psss psss psss psss psss psss psss psss

quote:

Originally posted by we_R_DNA

lmao!#@

quote:

Originally posted by davemolina

classic lolz

"you just gotta slip your hand in your pants like that al bundy guy"

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