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Britain decides to take back America
To the citizens of the United States of America
from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You will probably need to look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Alaska , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-'ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S .English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All junctions (not intersections) will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen.
hahaha
funny thanks, brought a smile to my face
Tomorrow's front page:
"Mass Suicide at the White House"
Re: Britain decides to take back America
| quote: |
| Originally posted by techead God Save the Queen. |
well the Brits certainly did a better job at running the world when they had their turn. To me, the Union Jack has always been the flag of "freedom", not the American take off of it.
I should have been born in the 1890s.
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Dj Smitty20 well the Brits certainly did a better job at running the world when they had their turn. To me, the Union Jack has always been the flag of "freedom", not the American take off of it. I should have been born in the 1890s. |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Yohan freedom? really doesn't go well with imperialism |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Dj Smitty20 and the United States doesn't practice imperialism? It's evolved beyond conquering territories and acquiring colonies, sure, but it's still imperialism. "Imperialism" as you're thinking about it is hardly a new phenomenon or one used only by the British Empire and its European rivals in the 19th Century. And yes I would argue that Britain has done far more for "global democracy" than the United States has ever done. At least the British left behind institutions and infrastructure such as school systems, hospitals and railroads. This is but one example but I'm not sure if you really want to get into this discussion. |
This is Gold !
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Dj Smitty20 It's evolved beyond conquering territories and acquiring colonies, |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by VDub I'm sorry..What??? |
Ah yeah, John Cleese (sp?).
I got a better idea...
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Abercrombie I got a better idea... |
LOL Aw Kelly.
Old and stupid, kthxbye.
| quote: |
| Originally posted by DigiNut Old and stupid, kthxbye. |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Dj Smitty20 economic imperialism? |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by yankeeBaby sounds a lot better than the bloody brits coming in and takin ova! (yes I said TAKIN OVA!!!!!) tell me how to spell, and I will shoot you with my gun and sue you with my lawyer. And I *AM* a therapist, BITCH! |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by Abercrombie I got a better idea... |
)
I forgot to mention that these clever demands and maps seem to ignore the obvious fact that if Britain or Canada (or both) tried to invade the USA they'd get pulverized in a matter of days, perhaps hours.
Unless that was the point, and this was supposed to be funny in an ironic sense. In which case I apologize for not getting the joke.
| quote: |
| Originally posted by DigiNut I forgot to mention that these clever demands and maps seem to ignore the obvious fact that if Britain or Canada (or both) tried to invade the USA they'd get pulverized in a matter of days, perhaps hours. |
Re: Britain decides to take back America
| quote: |
| --------------------- 10. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. --------------------- |
| quote: |
| Originally posted by DigiNut I forgot to mention that these clever demands and maps seem to ignore the obvious fact that if Britain or Canada (or both) tried to invade the USA they'd get pulverized in a matter of days, perhaps hours. Unless that was the point, and this was supposed to be funny in an ironic sense. In which case I apologize for not getting the joke. |
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