Lira's investigation: Is Arbiter a hot Cuban girl?
Juanita Ramirez del Toro
Age: 26 Birthplace: Havana
Could this be Arbiter?
After years of investigation, I'm proud to present the results of my work. Ever since I joined TA, I saw my boardmates pose the very same question: Who on Earth is Arbiter? The commotion soon became generalised but, once we realised we would never find out their identity, the tension ebbed.
But, I decided I'd look further into it, and I'd find out who Arbiter truly was. Could one, based on the little we know, unveil Arbiter's real identity? Was it just an internet persona? A committee? Or, perhaps, a bot? Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, Arby's identity will no longer be concealed from you.
Details of the investigation
The information we've got on Arbiter is scarce, but precious. In order to properly understand the conclusion to which I've come, I'd like to show you all the hints that were valuable in in quest. Please, bear with me, and with the extensive use of singular "they":
Firstly, Arbiter is ruthless, frank, and in a really odd way, caring. If you try to cut in front of them in traffic, Arbiter would make you regret the day you bought a car. However, if you deep inside your heart ask them a question about the meaning of life, they will promptly reply, even if the answer is to come with a sarcastic undertone.
Make no mistake, these are truly feminine characteristics. Hence, Arbiter is a girl.
A home video of Arbiter dancing reggaeton?
It's more likely than you think! As the Romans
used to say, "Veni, Vidi, Veni-veni-veni! OMG!".
Secondly, we all know Arbiter loves Nietzsche. She probably realised she was smarter than the average person, and tried her luck elsewhere. She's also really capitalist, and that doesn't often happen in a capitalist country. Therefore, she ought to have come from one of the few communist countries in the world.
She could be Chinese or North Korea. Vietnam, perhaps. But, it's not that easy to get from China to the US illegally, I reckon. Hell, it's nearly impossible to get out of North Korea by any means! That could happen, I'm sure, but she was in Tampa a while ago. What the hell would a Chinese girl be doing in Tampa? If only she were in Vancouver, or somewhere California, she could have slanty eyes and she wouldn't be able to say my surname. But, no, that's not the case.
She could also have come from the former Soviet Union. However, I remember she's my age. I was too bloody young when the Berlin Wall fell, and communism in Easter Europe collapsed. No matter how clever she is, there's no way in hell she could've emigrated at such young age. So, once again, we must rule out a country (actually, I think we can discard the whole region).
She could be African... but, personally, I've never seen anyone from a communist country in Africa, so I just ignored these republics altogether.
That leaves us with one single possibility: Cuba! She's Cuban. Where else could she have come from? Berkeley? As if!
Now, how could she have gone all the way from Cuba to the US. Easy! She was on a boat! Really, just look at her! She's on a boat! If you don't see that, look hard, because she-is-on-a-boat! Or, rather, she was.
She had Nietzsche's books for oars, and probably the paper was by far the most nutritious "food" she had available to her, so it's no exaggeration to say she devoured all of Nietzsche's books. Except, maybe, for the Antichrist. She needed an oar, after all.
After spending all that time adrift, I'm sure she's not fat. She sometimes must've had to swim here and there in order to get food. I'm sure she'd just bite the hell out of all fish she found, sharks included. It's Arbiter we're talking about! Therefore, she probably has good legs and a nice arse.
Finally, I reckon she must've had to drink something for breakfast until the day she swam ashore. She could even have breastfed the other emigrants, but I'm not sure she'd care about them enough to do that. Well, maybe. Regardless of that, this is the reason why she must have great tits. She sailed away for weeks. She had potential to feed the entire Italian army. And that's how she got to Florida. I'm sure Darth Vader is still somewhere in the beach trying to collect the water Arbiter drank in order to become immortal. Or something.
Conclusion
This is why I believe Arbiter is a Cuban girl. Feel free to post comments, criticism, and post more hints about her true identity. Arbiter, if you're reading this, and you don't really appreciate our efforts, don't worry. We adore you, you big titty Nietzschean!
xoxoxoxo,
- Lira
Posted by tubularbills on Jul-22-2009 02:12:
that was very in-depth.
Posted by Domesticated on Jul-22-2009 02:15:
Arbiter's opinions and argumentative techniques are more overtly masculine than a 6-inch boner.
Posted by Lebezniatnikov on Jul-22-2009 02:19:
Another example of why Lira is one of my favorite TAs.
Posted by Sushipunk on Jul-22-2009 02:25:
Re: Lira's investigation: Is Arbiter a hot Cuban girl?
Fucking lol Lira!
quote:
Originally posted by Lira
If only she were in Vancouver, or somewhere California, she could have slanty eyes and she wouldn't be able to say my surname.
Posted by Lebezniatnikov on Jul-22-2009 02:27:
Re: Lira's investigation: Is Arbiter a hot Cuban girl?
quote:
Originally posted by Lira
We adore you, you big titty Nietzschean!
Greatest string of words ever?
Posted by MeLLyMeL on Jul-22-2009 02:30:
aside from the booty shaking.. that girl moves her hips the proper way when she does it side to side.
Posted by Paradox Lost on Jul-22-2009 02:33:
Indeed; I always thought "Mr Scowley" had an overtly feminine Cuban flavor to it.
Posted by yukii on Jul-22-2009 02:34:
Posted by Domesticated on Jul-22-2009 02:36:
quote:
Originally posted by MeLLyMeL
aside from the booty shaking.. that girl moves her hips the proper way when she does it side to side.
I just watched the video, and all I can say is: during my 3 odd months in South America next year, I will be a very happy man if I end up in bed with a woman who can do that. The chick in that particular clip is pretty cute, too.
Posted by MeLLyMeL on Jul-22-2009 02:39:
haha my mom lives vicariously through me and paid these belly dancing classes for me.
it was awesome and yes of course the bf loves it!
Posted by jonSun on Jul-22-2009 02:41:
Re: Lira's investigation: Is Arbiter a hot Cuban girl?
quote:
Originally posted by Lira
I always though he would wear a darth vader outfit to the beach.
Posted by Clovis on Jul-22-2009 02:48:
This post is amazing.
Posted by pkcRAISTLIN on Jul-22-2009 02:59:
Arbiter is too clever and rational to be a girl. But if he was, I so want to bag that bitch.
FYI I heard a rumour that arbiter is of native American descent.
Posted by Sunsnail on Jul-22-2009 03:02:
quote:
Originally posted by pkcRAISTLIN
Arbiter is too clever and rational to be a girl. But if he was, I so want to bag that bitch.
thats...kinda creepy. so you find his personality to be very attractive then.
Posted by Lira on Jul-22-2009 03:02:
Re: Re: Lira's investigation: Is Arbiter a hot Cuban girl?
Are you really telling me, PKC, that the hot girl we know as Arbiter is actually an Apache jurist called Geronimo?
quote:
Originally posted by Lebezniatnikov
Greatest string of words ever?
Quite possibly
Busty fans of Nietzsche, actually, remind me of a really attractive freaking hot Brazilian actress, Luana Piovani:
I was stunned to find out she read Nietzsche. True enough, she didn't know who he was until she was on her late 30's, but still, she can even cite "Human, All to Human" in interviews!
quote:
Originally posted by Sushipunk
It's true! I'm glad my mother-in-law calls me by my first name, because I can't keep a straight face when someone calls me "Leela" or "Lilly" Posted by pkcRAISTLIN on Jul-22-2009 03:07:
quote:
Originally posted by Sunsnail
so you find his personality to be very attractive then.
who doesn't? I love a perfect rack as much as the next guy, but an astute brain that thinks differently yet provides compelling logic gets me all moist.
quote:
Originally posted by Lira
Are you really telling me, PKC, that the hot girl we know as Arbiter is actually an Apache jurist called Geronimo?
well, if his name is Geronimo I can understand his desire for secretiveness!
Posted by Lira on Jul-22-2009 03:08:
quote:
Originally posted by pkcRAISTLIN
well, if his name is Geronimo I can understand his desire for secretiveness!
Posted by Domesticated on Jul-22-2009 03:19:
I think it's also highly plausible that Arbiter is a one-eyed Himalayan hermaphrodite.
Posted by Yohan on Jul-22-2009 03:45:
whatever the outcome is, Lira's post deserves to be in the hall of fame
Posted by Ivand on Jul-22-2009 04:28:
i love you lira
because of this post and because of your random likes and unlikes on facebook
Posted by SuspicionVandit on Jul-22-2009 07:37:
Re: Lira's investigation: Is Arbiter a hot Cuban girl?
quote:
Originally posted by Lira
probably has good legs and a nice arse.
she must have great tits
check, check, check.
Posted by Arbiter on Jul-22-2009 14:48:
Re: Lira's investigation: Is Arbiter a hot Cuban girl?
Fascinating.
quote:
Originally posted by Lira
If only she were in Vancouver, or somewhere California, she could have slanty eyes and she wouldn't be able to say my surname. But, no, that's not the case.
Well, to be fair, the first U.S. city where I lived for more than one year was Los Angeles...
Posted by Lira on Jul-22-2009 15:04:
Re: Re: Lira's investigation: Is Arbiter a hot Cuban girl?
quote:
Originally posted by Arbiter
Well, to be fair, the first U.S. city where I lived for more than one year was Los Angeles...
Los Angeles? Aw, man, I think that means I should go back to the sketch board
Can you... fly? Because, if you can, you're totally Chinese. Or North Korean!
Posted by Slylee on Jul-23-2009 00:25:
quote:
Originally posted by Slylee
i bet you give raisins out for halloween.
quote:
Originally posted by Arbiter
No, that's how I get rid of my change.
maybe so. only a hot cuban gold digging bitch would do this.
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Now, how could she have gone all the way from Cuba to the US. Easy! She was on a boat! Really, just look at her! She's on a boat! If you don't see that, look hard, because she-is-on-a-boat! Or, rather, she was.
