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'fake' marriage proposal

this is my first (and likely only) personal advice thread to the COR - I've already talked to my closest friends - but I was interested to see what a bunch of outsiders would say about this situation.

I am in a very happy relationship with someone I love dearly. We've been dating officially for a year but we have been close for several years. Personally I have felt for a while that I could easily devote myself to her and spend the rest of my life with her. We both have told one another that we see ourselves with the other 'long term', and sort of skirted around the word 'marriage', talked about marriage age, discussed having children, etc, like im sure all serious couples do.

So today we're just talking on gmail casually (she went away to visit her folks for the holiday, and i stayed behind because of work), and she tells me:

"What would you say if i asked you to marry me when I graduate? What would you do?"

(She graduates in less than a month. I had stayed in my college town to be with her until she graduates)

My first response was 'Are you asking me to marry you?'

She says "Just answer! What would you do?"

I said yes.

Then I tell her I cant believe she proposed to me on gmail (honestly i didnt know whether to take this as a serious proposal or what, I was a little hurt that she would play with something like this, since I am really romantic, let alone do it over gmail chat, but whatever - love is love, and a proposal is a proposal.

Then she says "It wasnt a real proposal."

Then she says "It wasnt really fake... i just wanted to know if would be open to it."

So I have a few questions for you guys:

Does this count as a real marriage proposal?

Is this unfair or manipulative?

Is it normal for couples to field responses to marriage proposals before making them?

Is this fucked up, or am i overreacting?

I don't know how I should feel right now. On one hand I am thrilled that she wants to marry me (but theoretically? apparently?), but not knowing whether she is serious or not has me feeling that she is being somewhat manipulative and exploiting something that is sort of sacred to me and that I have been seriously considering for a few months now. Also, now that the 'cat is out of the bag' so to speak, I sort of feel that a 'real' proposal wouldn't be as special.

Just curious on your thoughts here. Thanks.

EDIT: I should also note that even though I have been musing about marriage I would never have considered seriously it until we had dated 1-2 more years at least. This really came out of nowhere.

stick it in her bum till kingdom cum

then you will know for sure

u are overreacting
be happy that she wants to marry you

why would u guys want to get married so fast anyways?
youv only been fuking for a year... dont rush things

quote:

Originally posted by rT19 u are over reacting be happy that she wants to marry you why would u guys want to get married so fast anyways? youv only been fuking for a year... dont rush things

you're quite wrong about the last part, lol


but I don't want to get married so quickly! thats part of the problem!

so dont
enjoy one another
go traveling i dunno do things "married" people do to shut her up lool thats what i do with my bitch(whom i love ofcourse)

quote:

Originally posted by rT19 so dont enjoy one another go traveling i dunno do things "married" people do to shut her up lool thats what i do with my bitch(whom i love ofcourse)

ok

Re: 'fake' marriage proposal

quote:

Originally posted by nefardec this is my first (and likely only) personal advice thread to the COR - I've already talked to my closest friends - but I was interested to see what a bunch of outsiders would say about this situation. I am in a very happy relationship with someone I love dearly. We've been dating officially for a year but we have been close for several years. Personally I have felt for a while that I could easily devote myself to her and spend the rest of my life with her. We both have told one another that we see ourselves with the other 'long term', and sort of skirted around the word 'marriage', talked about marriage age, discussed having children, etc, like im sure all serious couples do. So today we're just talking on gmail casually (she went away to visit her folks for the holiday, and i stayed behind because of work), and she tells me: "What would you say if i asked you to marry me when I graduate? What would you do?" (She graduates in less than a month. I had stayed in my college town to be with her until she graduates) My first response was 'Are you asking me to marry you?' She says "Just answer! What would you do?" I said yes. Then I tell her I cant believe she proposed to me on gmail (honestly i didnt know whether to take this as a serious proposal or what, I was a little hurt that she would play with something like this, since I am really romantic, let alone do it over gmail chat, but whatever - love is love, and a proposal is a proposal. Then she says "It wasnt a real proposal." Then she says "It wasnt really fake... i just wanted to know if would be open to it." So I have a few questions for you guys: Does this count as a real marriage proposal? Is this unfair or manipulative? Is it normal for couples to field responses to marriage proposals before making them? Is this fucked up, or am i overreacting? I don't know how I should feel right now. On one hand I am thrilled that she wants to marry me (but theoretically? apparently?), but not knowing whether she is serious or not has me feeling that she is being somewhat manipulative and exploiting something that is sort of sacred to me and that I have been seriously considering for a few months now. Also, now that the 'cat is out of the bag' so to speak, I sort of feel that a 'real' proposal wouldn't be as special. Just curious on your thoughts here. Thanks.

Well, I think a lot of women have this idea that men would be offended or feel emasculated if the woman proposed to them instead of the other way around. As such, she may want to be the initiator but was concerned of how you would react.

Alternatively, she may just be trying to signal to you that she is ready to tie the knot and urging you to act sooner rather than later.

Either way, I highly doubt it was meant to be manipulative and I think you are overreacting. Really now, it was obviously not a proposal, it was just an inquiry about your openness to it. Also, a real proposal will certainly be more special that some silly chat session and it's ridiculous to think that it would hamper it.

You need to chillax. I would strongly recommend you talk to her and ask her what's going on in her mind. Ask why she wanted to know that. Did she want to know if you would be ok being proposed to instead of being the proposer? Is she reconsidering when she wants to get married? Etc. I am sure if you pry enough she will fess up to her real intentions.

Re: 'fake' marriage proposal

So I have a few questions for you guys:

Does this count as a real marriage proposal?

I don't think she's proposing the idea of marriage inasmuch as she's offering a possibility for contemplation; who knows, perhaps she's unsure about her sentiments, and wants to determine yours if she were to eventually lean in a certain direction.

Is this unfair or manipulative?

Somewhat; there are more effective ways to go about this that don't result in the emotional confusion/ambiguity that you are apparently experiencing, especially by providing more context/clarification to her intent instead of saying 'just answer!,' which unfairly puts you in a rather blind position with few options.

Is it normal for couples to field responses to marriage proposals before making them?

Hard to say, but I think it's normal for couples to gauge the level of their mutual commitment, in which case this is certainly one way to do it (if that is, indeed, what she is doing for one reason or another).

Is this fucked up, or am i overreacting?

If this is a new and sudden development without any real precedent, I wouldn't categorize this as an overreaction, and it doesn't appear you have reason to suspect ill-will or manipulation upon the behalf of this person.

quote:

Originally posted by nefardec you're quite wrong about the last part, lol but I don't want to get married so quickly! thats part of the problem!

Then why did you say "Yes" (even hypothetically?)

earnest thanks for your thoughtful responses, theresa and paradox lost.

just a side note too: i have no problem with being proposed to. it's just the 'not a real proposal' part that messed with my head a bit.

the only reason i suspected any kind of manipulation is that we have plans for her to move in after she graduates, but she is also considering moving elsewhere to find a job, which has been a touchy subject lately.

quote:

Originally posted by Sushipunk Then why did you say "Yes" (even hypothetically?)

because i would, and because it doesnt mean i have to get married tomorrow - it could be years from now really.

also see my other post. other things are going on here, and i felt that she was trying to gauge my level of commitment before making a commitment to move in with me.

I don't think it's unfair, I think you're overreacting.

Lot's of couples talk about that sort of thing. She just wants to know if you're at the same stage as her, and what you want to do.

It wasn't a serious proposal.

But yeah saying yes to her might not have been the best plan...

quote:

Originally posted by Lews But yeah saying yes to her might not have been the best plan...

What would you have recommended?

She basically put me in a yes/no situation.

lol, how could you trust someone enough to marry them if they can't even be honest with you- via email no less.

quote:

Originally posted by pkcRAISTLIN lol, how could you trust someone enough to marry them if they can't even be honest with you- via email no less.

she was being honest.

put your tin foil hat away

quote:

Originally posted by nefardec What would you have recommended? She basically put me in a yes/no situation.

Telling her the truth. That you love the idea of getting married, but you're not sure if you're ready for it yet, and then explain your reasoning why.

quote:

Originally posted by Lews Telling her the truth. That you love the idea of getting married, but you're not sure if you're ready for it yet, and then explain your reasoning why.

already done

Clever girl; I like her. See how she's managed to extract sensitive information from you without providing you with anything in return?

Now she knows how you feel, but you're merely speculating about how she feels. She's gained an advantage with her superior tactics. Sure, it's a little manipulative, but if you're going to make it so easy for her she would be a fool not to take advantage.

This might be a little off but she is from punjabe - India right?

I have friends from that part of the world and it is a custom that after a girl is done with her University the parents find their daughter a guy to marry . in another words an arranged marriage.

It could be the case that since she has a bf she doesnt have to go through that ...but if you were to deny her , her parents might find a guy to marry her right away ... most likely a cousin

I know this sounds crazy but my friend met his wife through a picture he said yes and they got marry ... i was like

Be aware that she is considering you as her first option to marry her ... you should be happy

quote:

Originally posted by djhaziel This might be a little off but she is from punjabe - India right? I have friends from that part of the world and it is a custom that after a girl is done with her University the parents find their daughter a guy to marry . in another words an arranged marriage. It could be the case that since she has a bf she doesnt have to go through that ...but if you were to deny her , her parents might find a guy to marry her right away ... most likely a cousin I know this sounds crazy but my friend met his wife through a picture he said yes and they got marry ... i was like Be aware that she is considering you as her first option to marry her ... you should be happy

lol, not the case with this family. they are very liberal.

i joke about this with her all the time

quote:

Originally posted by Arbiter Clever girl; I like her. See how she's managed to extract sensitive information from you without providing you with anything in return?

i know right?

girls...

i think you're overreacting a bit. you can take it as manipulative, but imo she threw that question out there just to see where you're at, relationship-wise. then she backpedaled and said "it wasn't serious" or whatever once you expressed that you didn't like the fact that she asked you on gmail, because she understands as well as you (or anyone, for that matter) that proposing to someone via chat is pretty lame. lol

obviously it doesn't count as a "real" marriage proposal, but i would definitely think that she is open and ready for the idea of marriage (otherwise she would've avoided the topic). pop the question if and when you're ready to take that leap.

manipulation implies ill-intentions which i severely doubt she had.

quote:

Originally posted by nefardec i felt that she was trying to gauge my level of commitment before making a commitment to move in with me.

that explains everything. i dunno dude, i think you generally know where you're at in this situation, you've got nothing to worry about. i'd take it as a good sign, personally.

quote:

Originally posted by Omega_Blue manipulation implies ill-intentions which i severely doubt she had.

Not at all. In fact, I've got something she can manipulate.

yes you are over reacting.


No that was not a marraige proposal - it was a question.

You know how many time I've told my bf "will you marry me" - when I love him and tell him "i am never gonna fuking marry you" - when I hate him

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