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-- Akira Live Action Movie...


Posted by Joss Weatherby on Apr-10-2011 10:07:

Akira Live Action Movie...

I knew it was going to be bad... but oh god...

http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-act...than-you-think/


oh god.





TETSUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


quote:
The new Akira is the embodiment of every creepy kid archetype that's ever been, like Drew Barrymore in Firestarter, Damien from The Omen, or Samara from The Ring. He comes complete with all the old Hollywood tropes: He sings "unsettling" nursery rhymes, he carries around a disused stuffed animal, and casually murders people with his mind powers. Notice I put "unsettling" in quotes up there; that's because this script marks the moment when Hollywood officially ran out of genuinely creepy nursery rhymes to accompany their child villain stereotypes:


PLATOON LEADER

It's alright, Akira. Nobody's going to hurt you, son. Just come with us. And it'll all be fine.

The Little Boy looks up, HIS HAIR STANDING ON END, EMITTING A GENTLE PULSE OF STATIC ELECTRICITY as he begins to hum a slow, haunting version of "Frere Jacques." It chills to the bone.


That's not a joke. I did not make that up. And it's not just an isolated moment of laughable Horror ineptitude either, that's Akira's official theme. Every single time he makes an appearance, even if it's just in PTSD Tetsuo's nightmares, the script calls for 'Frere Jacques' to be played.


Clearly, the boys are going to need help defeating such a terrifying - and let's pause this sentence while the snickering dies down - supernatural enemy. Help like Kay, the female lead, who in the original film was a strong young woman that slowly developed the very start of a relationship with Kaneda. By the end of the animated Akira, the two got to a point where they acknowledged that they might care about each other, but never had a chance to act on it -- because it was the fucking apocalypse, and his best friend's arm just exploded into a giant tendon-dong while she was being possessed by three tiny geriatric children; they had other shit on their mind. But not in the remake: There's plenty of time for playful banter and lots of close-ups as Ky randomly strips naked and dons sexy outfits.



JESUS FUCK WHY?


Posted by FuzzQi on Apr-10-2011 10:12:

" KANEDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAA"


Posted by Joss Weatherby on Apr-10-2011 10:17:

God damn it, the original movie, and the manga... so awesome...

WHY IS IT EVEN CALLED AKIRA!? CALL IT TRAVIS'S BIG GAY OUT or something, it would make just as much sense...


AHHH!


WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Posted by FuzzQi on Apr-10-2011 10:21:

lol


Posted by Joss Weatherby on Apr-10-2011 10:30:

The only thing that will be worse is probably the Evangelion live action that is supposed to be somewhere in the pipes.

God... fuck... AH!

Wow I need to go to bed, this actually has made me angry enough to develop a nervous twitch on one of my eyes.


Posted by FuzzQi on Apr-10-2011 10:36:

lol ok


Posted by Moongoose on Apr-10-2011 11:01:

Think about how the last two eps of Eva made you go WTF and then put that into live action.


Posted by Sand Leaper on Apr-10-2011 11:36:

Well, they have to do SOMETHING to change how dependent the original animated movie was on having read the manga beforehand. The idea of switching the themes of the original to a NYC-setting strikes me as quite intriguing, also.

But yeah, PG-13. The kiss of death.


Posted by LAdazeNYnights on Apr-10-2011 18:42:

in the beginning of the movie tokyo is destroyed on the exact day i was born lol


Posted by Joss Weatherby on Apr-10-2011 20:01:

quote:
Originally posted by Moongoose
Think about how the last two eps of Eva made you go WTF and then put that into live action.


After watching Death and Rebirth and End of Evangelion (originally while reading from a fan translated script and watching at the same time on a shitty Japanese VHS) I can say that I ignore the last two episodes.


Except for the alternate reality bit... That just made me wish they had made a whole series set in that universe!


Posted by bas on Apr-10-2011 22:38:

That is the biggest pile of horse shit I have ever read in my life.


Posted by EgosXII on Apr-11-2011 00:31:

HO-LY- FUCK.

Those responsible seriously deserve to be tortured to death. Goddamn it why the FUCK did whoever now owns the rights to the original let this atrocity be made? I refuse to believe that Otomo would allow this, I can only assume it was some studio permission...


Posted by Quazar on Apr-11-2011 01:58:

Yeah, this is one of those projects that just makes Hollywood look horrible.

Most Americans know what Tokyo is, and even desire to go there, so why change the setting? It's Neo-Tokyo anyway, which means you can make it a futuristic multi-racial city, it doesn't mean you can only have Japanese characters.

Which brings me to the whitewashing. Now we all know for a bigger-budget action movie you need somebody recognizable to put butts in the seats, especially for a property as "risky" as Akira. But why the hell do you have to whitewash every character? Make Kaneda a white guy (or multi-racial), and Tetsuo a Japanese guy. There's no reason every role has to be changed.

Some whitewashing complaints are dumb. (Dragonball Evolution, for instance. Nobody ever said Saiyans look like Japanese people, and it's pretty obvious in the manga/show that Bulma's family is supposed to be white). But this? Yeah, this is a problem.

Honestly, if "Akira" wasn't the title of the story, they'd probably change his name to "Adam" to creative some sort of psuedo-religious connection. >_<


Posted by Joss Weatherby on Apr-11-2011 01:59:

Yea I really don't see Otomo allowing this at all...



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